Aspergers and College Roommates

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I'm on the spectrum and I am having a Very difficult time making friends. My parents paid a lot extra for rooming, in a dorm, and I still can't make friends? I've been this way my whole life, and I feel awful that my parents paid an extra $10,000 for rooming and I still can't make friends. I feel so guilty, pressured, and depressed. I've tried my best, I tried putting myself out there, but people... just don't like me.

I tried having a roommate. She knew that I had special needs. She kicked me out 2 weeks after I moved in because I was "annoying, clingy, and she didn't pay room and board to take care of a child" (she's studying to be a child psychologist, btw). Also, she did not have classes on Tues and Thurs, I did. She would go to parties, not invite me, come home at 3 AM, sleep in, and when I got up to get ready for classes, I would try my best to be quiet but she would always become annoyed at the noise (I would come back at 1 PM and she would still be sleeping!! ! And when I set up my computer to do work she would get annoyed at my typing!! !) I get that it might not be her cup of tea living with someone with Aspergers, but from the start, the very first night, she was not even trying to connect with me or understand my needs. She just assumed I was weird.

Since this incident, I have been paralyzed with fear and social anxiety, making me double guess and review everything I'm about to say or have said. I have had a lot of trouble making friends before, but now it is like, 8X worse. I had to triple my anxiety medication. And I'm still stuck and depressed. And even when I do have "friends", it's kind of like they hang out with me... because they know I'm different and feel bad for me.

I feel like my entire existence, and my choice to stay existing is a mistake. I feel like everyone is socializing like clockwork (how all the cogs on the clock turn and interact perfectly), while I'm a lone cog, not connecting or interacting with any of the other cogs, and even when I try it does not interact right and messes up the whole clock.

I'm trying so hard. My parents are trying so hard and spending so much money on this opportunity to make friends.. and I just can't. Sorry if this does not make sense, I know I'm ranting and anxious, but I have to get the thoughts out.

I've been this way my whole life, and I feel awful that my parents paid an extra $10,000 for rooming and I still can't make friends. I feel so guilty, pressured, and depressed. I've tried my best, I tried putting myself out there, but people... just don't like me.

You can't do better than your best

People usually only like people that are similar to them

You are different. Not necessarily bad or wrong



I tried having a roommate. She knew that I had special needs. She kicked me out 2 weeks after I moved in because I was "annoying, clingy, and she didn't pay room and board to take care of a child" (she's studying to be a child psychologist, btw).

Year round contract


Got evicted two times

Month to month contract

Had to move in the middle of a quarter


Also, she did not have classes on Tues and Thurs, I did. She would go to parties, not invite me, come home at 3 AM, sleep in, and when I got up to get ready for classes, I would try my best to be quiet but she would always become annoyed at the noise (I would come back at 1 PM and she would still be sleeping!! ! And when I set up my computer to do work she would get annoyed at my typing!! !) I get that it might not be her cup of tea living with someone with Aspergers, but from the start, the very first night, she was not even trying to connect with me or understand my needs. She just assumed I was weird.

Discuss scheduling before moving in


Since this incident, I have been paralyzed with fear and social anxiety, making me double guess and review everything I'm about to say or have said. I have had a lot of trouble making friends before, but now it is like, 8X worse. I had to triple my anxiety medication. And I'm still stuck and depressed. And even when I do have "friends", it's kind of like they hang out with me... because they know I'm different and feel bad for me.

I feel like my entire existence, and my choice to stay existing is a mistake.

"Stay existing"? What choice do you have?


I feel like everyone is socializing like clockwork (how all the cogs on the clock turn and interact perfectly), while I'm a lone cog, not connecting or interacting with any of the other cogs, and even when I try it does not interact right and messes up the whole clock.

Yeah well I avoid and ignore precious lil "people" too


Everyone has the power to hurt me

A lot

"Helping" me is hard and not many are willing

I'm trying so hard. My parents are trying so hard and spending so much money on this opportunity to make friends.. and I just can't. Sorry if this does not make sense, I know I'm ranting and anxious, but I have to get the thoughts out.[/quote]



Not having friends is not so bad

I don't have friends

Friends are overrated

From my perspective, the primary purpose to going to college is learning the tools of a career, which will lead to a job after college. Socialization might be a secondary desire but it should take a back seat to education.

I did very little socialization during college. I was very focused on learning. Besides I had very little time to socialize because I worked around 20 hours per week to help pay my way through college.

There are different approaches to housing on campus.
* You could live at home and commute.
* You can live in a dorm. This is a fairly sterile environment. It is a hit or miss on your roommate - you do not have the option of picking who you will share the room with (at least not in the first year).
* Or you could live with other students sharing a home or apartment.
* Or you could join a Sorority. A good sorority might provide you the personal touch that you desire. But you have to find a good sorority - not one that is all party time. Find one that is focused on academic achievement and service to the school and community. That may be what you are seeking. Sororities are like sisterhood. You will have many sisters.

Sororities do not take everyone that rushes

Sororities $$$$

Hazing

Peer pressure


When I was in college:

Roommates too much noise
Gossipped about me like I was public enemy number one
plotted to get me evicted
made comments about my breasts
wrongfully accused me of eating his stupidass curry

wrongfully accused me of leaving the stove on (forensic scientist dust for fingerprint)

Evicted twice

Threatened with eviction once





Looking back, my primary regret is not socializing enough


Yes you are there to get degree

But even job search involves networking

You have to have enough social life for roommates, emotional support, personal favor

But still keep up schoolwork

You're just starting a new phase in your life. Don't get discouraged. The great thing about college is that there are so many different kinds of people compared to high school and there are so many different campus groups you can join and ones related to your interests. If you do that, you're bound to meet people who share your interests.

I'm male, so perhaps female freshman have more of an expectation that they will be friends with their dorm roommate? It was apparent probably within the first few days that my dorm roommate and I were NOT going to be friends. Big deal. He actually turned out to be a violent alcoholic psycho and I got him kicked out of our room, but that's a different story. Come to think of it, some of the girls I knew (platonic friends) got along with their dorm roommates, but we're not "friends" with them. Perhaps assuming that people who share a dorm room together become friends as a rule is even a bit presumptuous?

Enjoy your time exploring your new phase in life. You'll make friends if you want to. Even if you make just a few good friends. Sometimes that's better than a lot of friends that aren't as close.

Finding an adequate apartment was utterly difficult for me

Third year college, lived in three apartment

Nobody wanted to live with me,

Had to look at listings

Homophobia

Too far away from school
$$$
Landlord barked at me like she wanted to kill me


All in all, they did not like me and I did not like them


They did not disguise the hatred

It is quite common to have problems in finding the right room mate.

So what is your living situation now, is it acceptable? How have you resolved the housing?

Normally in college there are advisors that can step in and help you with problems. Sometimes you just have to explore all the various options at college. There are many different groups on campus. You just have to find the right niche, the one that is perfectly made for you.

Some sororities are focused on partying. They are composed of A listers. But other sororities are very different. They are focused on academics and community/school service. So you have to find the right sorority. Some sororities do not take everyone that rushes. Some exclude you based on looks and social skills. But academic oriented sororities focus more on your academic skills. What are your grades.

Almost all housing (except living at home) involves $$$$

Not all sororities have hazing rituals.

College can bring out the best and the worst in people. Some students will take it seriously and spend their time learning (when they are not working outside jobs). Some will waste their time partying until their time there is up. Your roommate is one of those. I would work on trying to find students in the first group to bond/live with.

I was forced to live in the dorms my first year of college. It was hell to say the least. My roommate was an odd duck to say the least, but he was there to study. Many of the others on my floor were partiers and they picked on the serious students whenever they could. After that year was over, I moved into my own off campus apartment. Life got much better as time went on, as I gradually saw the partying crowd either flunk out or stop their fun in order to stay in college. This will happen to your roommate eventually.

Hey! Dont be too discouraged college is hard but its worth it!
First of all: Do you live in a dorm? I got super lucky on my dorm situation so Im not much help when talking roommates (I share a bathroom and kitchen area but not a bedroom), but I can tell you that socializing is much easier in a dorm. It might seem really hard, but you could try and go hang out in the lounge or study rooms to try and meet people from your hall. Even if you dont make any friends, if you become casual acquaintances with a few other people at least you have a couple people to talk to and hang out with.
I personally dont even socialize that much- despite that being the highlight of college life for most people. I dont go to parties or anything, but when my hall has free dinner downstairs or movie night or an ice cream social or something I try and go join. You dont have to really talk much, but you can enjoy the food and activities and get out and meet others.
Also, not all roommates are so terrible. Some people meet their best friends this way!
Rushing is fun if you like that! But I will warn you, if you are anxious in social situations it might be too much for you. Sororities are ALL about social events-legit ones not parties-and most are required. You'll probably move into the sorority house tho which means another roommate or three. However it IS an almost guaranteed way to make a few friends and get out of the house. And almost NO sorority does hazing. They arent fraternities. They have much higher standards.
(Fair warning tho- sororities stalk like no one else. Theres a large chance your diagnosis would be found. And sororities can be picky. You dont choose them, they choose you)

After the second eviction, I went to 17 apartments before someone would take me

Seventeen

They either want boys or girls and I was trans. San Diego 2004 was homophobic

Noisy roommates refused to turn down "music"


Could not sleep or homework


Not to say that I otherwise would have been able to

Oh, by the way. lline827 - since this was your first post, welcome to Wrong Planet.

The girl I lived with, second year. Her parents owned the condo. She was a f*****g condescending b***h. "Do you mind?" She asked. Entitled as f**k. She watched loud tv at night and I asked her to turn it down and she said ok and did not. It was her whole attitude

Third year, homophobic landlord kept calling me "girl" (which is condescending enough for cisgender women). But homophobic. Trans
Her whole tone was "holier than thou"

Oh yes, I can empathise on this subject.

I didn't get along with any of my roommates, and I had quite a lot as I'm in the UK (where campus accommodation is often more 'packed-in' than in the USA).

I made an effort during Fresher's Week to fit in - went on nights out etc with them - but it just never quite clicked. However, there was a moment that stuck out - during one of the music concert night thingys there was this game where groups in the hall would grab hold of someone and push them around, creating something of a 'wave effect'. At one stage I became that person, and it would have been interesting to watch that back on video - I was completely expressionless throughout it, as if I was a dummy or something.

go to the housing staff and try to figure out what to do .. at least u know u have aspergers .. i feel like a lot of aspergers ppl dont know they have it by the time they enter college or workforce.. thry just knew vaguely everything was awkward.. autism shows itself more obviously ..

My grown son has a complex of problem including Asperger's. It sounds to me like your roomate is the one with problems not you. First of all don't beat yourself up for being a little different. That is a GOOD thing. The regular person in the USA today is generaly not the greatest personality anyway. Sad but true. I might suggest you join a group of people that are into something you realy like. If there is not something you just love then a a walking group is a good start as...believe it or not WALKING actualy is physically not just exercise but stimulates all kinds of mental health as well. The key is to mainly just LISTEN at first. wait till you get a feel for the others or till someone asks your thoughts. When you do enter the conversation only offer your happiest ones at first then be quiet again. If you can keep this up you will become known as a NICE person. Don't try to fit in so much as just BE there. Once you recieve good feedback it will be much more relaxed for you and others pick up on that. And remember... MOST of the people that ever mattered or changed the world were NOT regular individuals. You are in good company right from the git go. I'm sorry your parents paid so much for a realy CRAPPY room mate. NOT your fault. Finding a friend by LIVING with somebody you don't know is not the best way to go about it. I mean come on...most people can't even stay married for more than two years because they LIVE together. It's hard. A twice a month group would be more nurturing of friendship.Remember you'er good all by yourself anyway and you are really lucky that your parents love you. Some people have no one that loves them but still are good people. I'm rooting for you too!