ABD Ph.D Candidate who is strongly considering dropping out

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Hey everyone,

For those who have seen my other posts, some of this info will be repeated or paraphrased from the other posts so feel free to skim read since this post will be on the long side.

I'm someone who is soon to be in their 5th year of their Ph.D program (I had an MA that I did from Fall 2018 - Fall 2020 and was accepted in full). My MA degree is in Experimental Psychology. For those who don't know, clinical psychologists are the ones who sit down, treat, and diagnose individuals. Experimental psychologists investigate research questions in the field, but solely focus on research.

I've had severe social anxiety ever since my teen years. I am also autistic, have ADHD-I, 3rd percentile processing speed, MDD - Moderate, and generalized anxiety (all of this replicated when I got a re-evaluation back in August 2023). It was so bad that I transitioned to a private high school on an autism scholarship that paid for my tuition there. It worked out well for me since I went from talking to only two people to talking to others and had multiple connections and friends.

My transition to adult life has been nothing short of disastrous. During undergraduate, I got thrashed academically at the "stoner school" of northern Ohio (they gave me near full tuition) despite a 29 ACT, 26 dual enrolled credits with a 3.75 GPA, and a 3.71 high school GPA. The reason is because I fell on the "wrong side of the achievement gap" with the high school I attended because they had no foreign language, AP, IB, or honors courses. I was in the Honors College and dropped out before they were set to kick me out anyway since I had a 2.9 GPA after my first two years. They even said they wanted me to talk to them about my situation before making any decision but I was so anxious that I went and dropped before meeting with anyone anyway. My parents hired a life coach to help me my first year of undergrad (who I didn't do a good job listening to my first year). Second year comes around and I listen to him more and actually do better thanks to the help of someone extra we hired to be "boots on the ground" and monitor my study habits (we only had that extra help for one semester though). My parents kept him for all four years of my undergrad (this is important because I have a huge codependency issue now). I should note that I did all of my work independently and its not like the coach ever went out of their way to do my homework for me or something like that.

Fast forward to graduating and I had a lukewarm senior year (junior year was good albeit I had to withdraw a math course I was set to fail) because I took extremely difficult courses within my major (Psychology) and had a 3.1 overall GPA and a 3.48 major GPA (I think, can't remember). Since I went for a BS instead of a BA as well, I got Cs in foreign language courses and math (other than Calc II when I retook it and got a B. My undergrad didn't do plusses or minuses). I wanted to do a Ph.D, but I got rejected from everyone my first application cycle because I had no clue what I was doing at all.

Fast forward to my gap year and two coaches were hired to help me with my GRE and the graduate school application process. They helped me with emails, how to prep for interviews, and more related to the communication and professional pieces of the graduate school application process. I get admitted into 6/8 Master's program and my committee for the program I chose almost didn't let me graduate at all. I also ended up with a bad graduate GPA (3.48) due to a C+ that I got in a core course (this would be failing in grad school or meant I am up for remediation normally but my program counted it) and a B and B+ in two seminar classes because I got C-s on presentations (in what should be "easy A" classes). Fortunately, I did graduate with a thesis. I even re-consulted the coach and they helped me with Ph.D applications too.

My first Ph.D advisor drops me my second year in the program because I lacked collateral skills to be a successful Ph.D in her eyes. Fortunately, I pass my qualifiers under her (for those who don't know, if someone doesn't pass qualifiers twice in a Ph.D program, its the end of the road). All research projects I worked on with her also got dropped completely (look up why publications are gold in the academic world for context). It's worth noting I didn't continue projects with my Master's advisor since he would reply to my emails irregularly and/or ghost me in the process. Fortunately, my current advisor took me and he wants me to graduate by December 2024. Data collection is done so all I need to do is write up the Results and Discussion sections before defending it.

After my funding ran out, I got a visiting position at a small liberal arts college (SLAC) and was paid $56k before deductions for taxes, social security, retirement, and health insurance took effect (take home was around $3.6k a month). This position goes horribly for me due to my untreated sleep apnea at the time affecting my energy when I talked in front of the class, lack of experience teaching in person (I taught as an adjunct for one semester my third year since my stipend was cut in half due to university budget issues), and so much more. The most important part was that I started out with low review scores (high 2s/5 for overall ratings, which reflects other ratings) and it got worse the next semester (1.4-1.8/5). I actually almost voluntarily did not continue into the next semester, but I stuck around because I realize honoring a commitment is important. As for my performance, those who've got this far in their education likely know that things getting worse before they get better is generally nuclear and it wound up being the case I only got one reference from that SLAC who helped me secure this internship and get an offer for a full time lecturer position at a regional campus of a flagship university (that I've since declined).

Although I got an internship with someone who is known globally in the field of Psychology (and I was one of 9 interns among 90 applicants), it has not gone well for me at all since I did not bring any transferable skills to the table. He recently asked me if I'm hirable in the near future (starting in August) and I said I was in this case. When I met with him individually, he asked me a lot of questions about my skills and he thought I was a better fit for two other projects where I was hardly involved at all (but should've been). This is a big deal since one of the research coordinator positions he's going to list soon will be hiring someone who is set to carry on those projects. I'm not holding my breath too much though.

However, I'm so burned out on research and am not enjoying this internship to the point I want to do something totally different after I graduate with my Ph.D. I recently connected with a university that takes autistic graduates from all over the country and helps them find jobs so I'm going to look to them to see what jobs they can direct me to in this case. I'm more interested in some sort of helping role where I can advise students or something similar since I've found a passion in that.

Finally, where I'm doing my Ph.D is a university in Michigan that lost over 50% of its student base in a decade alone. None of the Psychology departments sought any external funding (with the exception of one faculty whose research was nationally known) and was a big reason for the shutdown since they had no other way to support their students. This has left me with having a Ph.D in hand (hopefully) soon and barely any knowledge on how to write grants outside of the fellowship I obtained my third year of the program. To keep the money I got from the fellowship ($11.7k), I need to graduate with my Ph.D.

However, given that I'm burned on research and have no interest in teaching after my horrible experiences in both domains, I'm considering dropping out of the Ph.D program this academic year. It is also worth noting that I'm meeting with the coordinator of my fellowship next week to discuss the job the university where I'm doing my Ph.D wants to create for me. So, I may potentially be able to get a job offer, repay what I took for the fellowship, and drop out with a job in hand.

Would it be potentially better to finish my Ph.D though? I'm genuinely not sure if it will be worth it at all.

Oh, wow, you have come amazingly far and accomplished a lot. Just reading through the long road you've taken is really impressive, and I think you're being too hard on yourself. Probably because you're burnt out. You've done fantastic! You've overcome obstacles at seemingly every step of the way. Everything might not have gone exactly as you hoped, and it all sounds exhausting, but it's still amazing given everything you had to do to get where you are. Kudos to you!

Compared to your coordinator (I hope that meeting went well, btw) my advice probably isn't worth much since I have never been in your situation. I do have some questions for you, though:
If you pursue that career in academia advising students would it be more or less beneficial to have that Ph.D?
Would you regret not getting the degree?
Are you able to apply for some kind of sabbatical or something? Or switch projects to help manage burnout? Are there other options besides dropping out when you're so close?

I'm rooting for you! Hope everything goes well!

Mentioning your thoughts is super helpful for me to contextualize what I've done outside of the academic world. If there's one thing folks with terminal degrees have in common, its that their work output never feels like its enough at all, even if they are accomplished or did a lot. I do think the burnout has taken a toll on my mental health for sure (same with how my first Ph.D advisor treated me).

As for the coordinator meeting, it did not go as planned at all. I caught her up on everything, but then she said that she forgot what role she had in mind for me. She may follow up with me at a later date, but I was severely disappointed in her.

To answer each question in order:

1.) A Ph.D would be more beneficial (in theory), but it would mean I could potentially be overqualified for a lot of jobs. Some who have Ph.Ds even told me they need to hide it sometimes.

2.) I probably would have some regret if I didn't get it. I'm at a point now where I realize I may have to "cut my losses" though and accept taking outcome that I didn't want in the first place.

3.) The sabbatical question is a good one. There is an option like that. For students, they have to file a Leave of Absence though. I haven't done so only because the budget getting cut year to year may have meant that I wouldn't get assistantship funding whatsoever in future years. I've been told by some that funding can be set aside for those who take leaves, but I'm not sure whether that would have applied to me or not.

Since the next week is the final week of my internship, I will make this the last week I work in a full time capacity and just do a part time role in the future or possibly not work at all. The only issue is that many roles with good pay are full time in nature. Since I'm now living with my parents rent and utility free though, I think I can make a part time gig work. One major thing with Ph.D programs is that students are always expected to "wear many hats" (that's an old saying) as a teacher, researcher, and mentoring others potentially.

Your questions definitely helped me ground myself a lot more. I appreciate it.

Ohno! I'm so sorry to hear that the meeting with the coordinator wasn't what you were hoping for. I hate it when people don't follow through. That does sound super disappointing.

If you'll regret it, then I would suggest you don't give in too easily. You've already come so far, and done so many amazing things! I'll keep my fingers crossed that you'll be able to get a Leave of Absence since it sounds like you sorely you need one. Remember, it's always easier to come up with ideas for finding funding when you're not hanging by a thread. And don't feel guilty about needing time and space to heal! Academia, like corporations, demand too much of people and give next to nothing in return. It's an awful, exploitative system.

Have you talked to disability services at your current school? I ask partially because it might help you get that Leave of Absence, but also because it aligns with what you hope to do in the future. If you want to help advise others with disabilities in the future (which I think is a great goal) they're the people to connect with, as they're actively doing it and they might have contacts across universities thus widening your job search potential.

I'm glad I could help! Good luck with the final week of your internship! I hope everything works out for you!

What I may end up doing is go down to part time if I get a job offer from my internship boss at the moment. If not, then (as much as I don't want this to be the case) I won't work at all and just focus on getting my dissertation completed then. I'll need to figure out how to get healthcare, which I may hopefully be able to get an answer from my vocational rehabilitation meeting this coming Thursday afternoon.

As for disability services, they've sadly been extremely unhelpful. Feel free to review my other posts for more detail, but back when I had the disputes with my first advisor, they had zero clue what to do to handle the situation. They also didn't have any job matching services for those with disabilities too. I tried to get them to help me get in touch with others too and they have no resources for that either. I've contacted ASPIRE recently and the director is someone with a background in Experimental Psychology and has helped guide students before so I'm most likely going to be working with them in the future instead of where I am doing my Ph.D right now since they pretend like they know what they're doing but I can tell they don't know at all (mostly because they get surprised by certain bits of information).

That sounds like a plan. The marketplace is a good option for health insurance if your school doesn't offer it. I'd be surprised if your school didn't. My brother's masters programs offered him healthcare.

That's terrible that disability services has been so unhelpful, but I didn't mean in the job matching service sense. I meant in the networking sense. I don't know if networking is the same in academia but, for example, whenever I had a chance to talk to a senior developer I would ask them about their systems, about how they got to where they are, what they would suggest someone going into the field should do, etc. More like picking their brain to see how they got where they are, and if you want to do the same thing. People like to talk about themselves, and they like to help other people. You might get more than you think out of it...assuming they're not totally useless and hate their jobs. Though that can be enlightening too.

The ASPIRE people sound like a great lead, though! I hope that pans out!

My Ph.D program never offered health insurance sadly, so I had to be on a state variant of Medicare for those who are just above the poverty line once I became a full resident of the state where I did my Ph.D. I recently disqualified for renewal because my income was too high this past academic year (my visiting instructor position actually paid me a living wage for that area and offered me health insurance anyway).

As for networking, I was actually in the process of drafting an email to the director of academic advising where I'm doing my Ph.D to learn more about how someone can get such a position. I like advocating for students and doing so as a career would be amazing to me.

Regarding ASPIRE, the director (who also has an Experimental Psychology background) wants me to give him updates so I have another advocate in my corner!

That's fantastic news! I hope they respond positively and everything goes well. Wishing you luck!

Just wanted to update this thread to mention I'm officially enrolled with ASPIRE and recently signed off on the paperwork for my home state's vocational rehabilitation. My home state's vocational rehabilitation told me that they have a "back door" for state level positions so there's a chance I could land one potentially in this case.

I should note that I recently took a social science research analyst competency test last week and am waiting to hear back on the results right now. If I score 70% or more (or otherwise get the highest score if everyone failed, including me), then I move on to part 2's in person interview.

That's fantastic! I hope things work out for you!

Good luck on the interviews! Since I'm confident you did well on the test~

I will fully disclose that I did not have the time to fully read your post or the replies.

I am NT, but my gap year was from the 2nd grade to college, where I was self-educated because my mom is a hippy. I have four degrees, with the highest being a masters in sociology with a concentration in autistic working adults. I was starting on a PhD when I had to drop out due to a physical disability and having a baby. He is now 10. Maybe I'll go back to it, who knows.

I think you made a mistake. You will end up washing cars and telling people, "Did you know I am an ABD PhD?" There is a reason most people do not make it through any kind of college- it is because it is extremely uncomfortable to be immersed in an environment where you do not fit in. Most of us do not fit into a college environment. As as aspie, you do not fit in anywhere, which is why you have anxiety.

Figure out a system where you can write the dissertation. Do it now, before you enroll again, so you have a draft. It can be a poorly written draft. It doesn't matter, just get it down on paper. Enroll again, FINISH, and get yourself a nerd job. Make bank, relax. DON'T FAIL OUT. Overall wellness for autistic people improves with age. You are almost done with the hard part. It will get better.

Sorry for the hard stance here. I believe you can get through this and find yourself in a place of improved control over your life afterward.