12-year old daughter refuses to be in band

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My 12 year old daughter is neurotypical, as far as I can tell. She adamantly refuses to be in the band this year. I thought that I would see what perspectives people here might have in terms of a parent forcing a child to study music.

I've pasted a letter below to the principal. I haven't sent it yet. Let me know what you think of this, too.

Dear Mr. F,

First of all, let me tell you that I am absolutely disgusted with the quality of academic programs in District *** in general, and in ** Middle School in particular. Buying a home in this school district was absolutely the stupidest thing that I have ever done in my life.

Your classrooms are overcrowded, and teachers are inexperienced and poorly paid. It is about all that you can do to attempt to keep up with the population growth, as hordes of people continue to move into the area, to take advantage of the cheap housing. I recognize that you are simply trying to do the minimum that the state requires for educational programs—nothing less, and certainly nothing more.

You have no orchestra, and no foreign language instruction. The vast majority of the parents who move into the area have low levels of educational attainment themselves, and very low expectations from the school. About all that you do have is a band, which isn’t too bad, although very few parents care enough about their children to encourage their children to join the band and learn a little about music. Other school districts in the area have superior music programs.

Regrettably, children whose misfortune it is to have parents that actually care about them are strongly discouraged from participating in the band. Children who join the band are referred to as “geeks” within your school, and my daughter * was called the “Queen of the Geeks” because of her participation in the sixth grade band. A* states that she is under tremendous “pressure” in your school. This pressure is apparently hostile towards participation in the school’s music programs.

This type of negative pressure and disparagement severely diminishes the learning environment of the school district. You really cannot achieve a successful learning community unless you take the initiative to counteract this negative pressure and resentment towards learners, and especially towards those who would otherwise participate in your school’s music programs.

I ask that you reinstate A* in the band, and that you take concrete steps towards ending the hostility directed against the small minority of students whose parents actually care about their learning something worthwhile.

A* claims that the band is “boring.” Please instruct the band teacher to make the band less “boring.”

A* has been behaving very badly towards her mother. A* has been shouting, screaming, and using foul words and rank phrases that she must have learned at your school, or from children who attend your school. My desire for my daughter to learn something worthwhile should not elicit this sort of reaction. You may not care personally whether A* or anyone else in your “learning community” ever amounts to anything. Your lack of caring is, I believe, the school’s root problem. Once you change your outlook, and begin to view learning and creativity in a positive light, and start to express enthusiasm for learning throughout the school, then I think that some of the school’s severe problems will begin to reverse themselves.

Very truly yours,

Why do you want to force your daughter into a leisure activity? Maybe playing in a band just isnt her idea of fun.

As for the letter, i have to ask what would you like to achieve with it?

I wouldnt recommend sending the letter.It's hostile tone will simply alianate the reader not change them or the situation for your deaughter.I went to pretty good schools and the band members were still treated as "geeks"(as were the Girl Scouts or any one not in sports or cheerleading).

As far as your daughter.Seek couseling,these are the most challenging years for both of you,it's called puberty.If your daughter doesnt want to be in the band and you force her she will get out of it exactly what I did when my parents forced me....nothing but resentment for them that they didnt seem to care about my thoughts,feelings or interests.

If you have any respect for your daughter,you would incourage her in the things she IS interested in,not the things you are.

Oh my.

My daughter was called an "Einsteinian" because she was in the top gifted track. That's the breaks.

Please do not open your letter with an attack on the principal. They have almost no control over the resources available to them. It will immediately also flag your letter as a "vent" letter, which may or may not ever be read through.

Do not force your kid to do band. If she does it because she loves it, that's one thing. But to ruin an appreciation and joy of music by forcing her do do something related to it will take that from her for life.

Most publicly funded schools in the USA are pretty crappy, in my experience. I strongly suggest you do your own education of your child at home. I tended to look at the public schools as free daycare, required while I worked. My kid certainly didn't get much else out of them (academically). She did learn social skills from the other kids.

Which leads me to - kids are cruel. They can be heartless little monsters. That's part of life, and your kid needs to learn how to deal with them. Because those kids grow up into adults, some of them of a similar mindset. You can't intervene when your kid is grown, so she'd best develop defenses now.

late edit: I cannot, repeat cannot, believe you think it appropriate to tell the principal to tell the band teacher to make band "less boring". There is something wrong here - if your child finds band boring, she should not be IN band. If you think you are justified in telling a teacher to change the way they present the material because your precious child is "bored" - then your kid does have a serious handicap. And it's not in her head, or in the schools. It lives at home with her.

Good luck to your kid. Hopefully she'll eventually learn that the world does not revolve around her. Or, perhaps, she's not the one who actually has the problem with that.

Last edited by Nan on 02 Sep 2007, 7:13 pm, edited 6 times in total.

This may be true. However, it is also possible that the principal has very good intentions and is just trying to do his best under very difficult circumstances, on a dwindling budget with staff who are feeling the 'pressure' themselves and suffering poor morale. Some of the social problems you talk about foul language, peer-pressure etc im sure occur in every school in the western world, so it really isnt fair to blame the principal. You hint at generating a positive learning environment (which i applaud), but i sense very little encouragement or positivity in the overall tone of the text.

I have to go out now, so i cant obsessively re-edit this post until it sounds reasonably diplomatic and unoffensive like i would usually do.

But to conclude: dont reprimand him - offer to help Im sure there must be other like-minded parents who could form a PTA or something.

I'm going to be -very- brutally honest here, so be warned...

Speaking as somebody who's Father is a Headteacher (or Principal, whichever.) I can't stress enough the improper tone of your letter and what thoughts will be running through the recipients mind when he recieves it.

You have written to him in a rude, provocative and been deeply thoughtless in your comments as to how his school is run, Have you ran a school? Do you know somebody who has? Do you know how stressful and burdening such a responsibility is? Unless you can answer 'Yes' to at least two of those questions then i'm afraid you have absolutely no idea whatsoever of how upsetting your letter will be found. I also draw particular attention to your comment "Your classrooms are overcrowded, and teachers are inexperienced and poorly paid.". This is -not- the fault of this man, this is down entirely to your local/national government. Write to them if you wish to let off steam, not to an innocent party who has absolutely no control over this.

Furthermore the demeaning tone with which you refer to other parents at the school makes you come across as nothing other than a small-minded busybody.

It is people such as yourself that put people off going into teaching. Would you wish to recieve such abuse if you were in the job on the salary you'd recieve?

I would strongly suggest a complete re-wording of your letter before you send it. I know we Aspies have trouble with considering others sometimes, but there really is no excuse for taking it as far as you have.

Last edited by Mr_Winston on 02 Sep 2007, 12:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Children usually make their own decisions on elective classes. I can remember at that same grade 6th the band teacher asking me and another boy in my art class to consider switching to band because we did well on some hearing test he preformed when we were in 5th grade. We told him "no".

I say no matter how good or bad the decision maybe you should allow your daughter to make it.

Has it ever occurred to you that the Principal probably isn’t any happier than you about the lack of funding and indifferent support your community has for its school system? Your wrath and letter should be addressed to your neighbors.
Why don’t you find private music, language etc lessons for your daughter? You certainly aren’t paying for them in your school taxes so you should have money to spare for this.
BTW IMO If you sent that letter “Buying a home in this school district was absolutely the stupidest thing that I have ever done in my life” will immediately become the second stupidest thing you’ve ever done in your life.

Umm wtf? From reading small parts of the letter, it sounds like you want to tell them how to do their job so it will suit your daughter. It doesn't work that way.

Besides, its one thing to encourage your kid to get involved in some extracurricular thing. But trying to force a kid into band/music that isn't interested is a fantastic way to destroy any love for music they may ever have.

Hubris (HU bris)
The need to defy the whole in a never completed search for satisfaction and superiority;
fond and careless behavior associated with ignorance;
belief in the mind in place of the self;

Cause of discontent; defiance, lack of care, relaxation.

Hubris perpetuates Personality.

Hubris requires Ignorance.

Hubris is the antonym of Surrender.

wow

you're ret*d

ret*d I am, yes, having been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.

The band is NOT an after school activity. The alternative to band is a study hall. Basically just sitting quietly and doing nothing.

The property taxes in that school district are astronomical.

It is about time that someone finally made a stand for something in that crap excuse for a school.

It might as well be me, and it might as well be now.

I will go to war with my daughter's so-called "friends" and their crappy parents later.

She chose the saxophone herself two years ago. Now its "Oh, I can't be in the band. The band is for geeks. I don't want to be a geek."

If she quits now, it will be very difficult to pick up any kind of music later. This is basically her only chance to learn something about music.

I paid for her to have piano lessons before, but she quit those.

I am NOT going to give up yet.

my first instinct before being the 1st to reply was that the OP might easily be a troll.

I just want that to go on record!

If you wrote a letter like that to me I'd bin it and think you were a mad b***h. A letter as full of vitriol as that will get you absolutely nowhere.

As a teacher I can assure you that the accusatory tone of your letter is the number one way to guarantee that you won't succeed with anything you claim you want to with the school.

When I was student teaching a parent was happy that her daughter was in group 3, as opposed to the higher group 2 she had been in the last year. Rather than contacting the teachers/principal, and come in during their daily discussion period to express her concern about this, she went on a rampage, trying to rile up the other parents against the teachers. As a result, the issues she was having about her daughter couldn't be discussed amongst the teachers, until the first discussed the problem she was creating amongst the other parents, future problems she might create amongst them, how she was trying to play the teachers against one another, how each of these problems should be dealt with, and how each teacher should speak to her if they were approached by her. If she had acted in a mature fashion, rather than an "all out" attack, her daughter would have ben moved to group 2 as soon as she let the teachers know thats what she wanted - after all the 6th grade teachers all agreed her daughter had the ability to move up. However, because of all the unneccessary problems and hostility she was creating, it took 2 months for her daughter to be moved up a group. And it also made it so none of the teachers wanted to speak to her at all.

You need to decide whether you care more about your daughter or attacking the school. If you care more about attacking the school, and making sure you are an enemy who the school wants nothing to do with, than yes your letter is doing the right thing. If you care more about your daughter, and are looking to make the school a better place, then you are going about it in one of the worst ways imaginable.

You have hereby lost any respect I may have possibly been able to garner for you and your cause.

I heartily suggest you pull your head out of your arse before someone (possibly one of these parents you wish to go to war with.) thrusts it so far up there it's irretrievable.

You are a disgrace, to yourself and to your poor daughter.