I don't know if I can do this.

Post Reply New Topic

I'm about to graduate from college. It's taken me ten years to get this degree, mostly because I left in 2001, got married, had babies and didn't go back really until this semester. Thing is, school was extremely traumatic for me. I actually had to leave high school because of the way the school district handled things. Long story short, my parents didn't parent, I was chronically late or absent, the district called me truant, the state placed me in detention for 6 months and I have diagnosed PTSD from that experience. I won't get into how effed up all of that was, suffice it to say I still wake screaming and sweating from nightmares 14 years later. I was not a bad kid, I was just an aspie who got brutally bullied and didn't want to face the abuse anymore...and my parents didn't give a damn. I struggled with anorexia after I was released from detention (HORRIBLE PLACE!! !), but after I out a while and left home at 16, I got better.

When I went to college in 1997, I started having nightmares about being arrested for missing a college class. I would plead with the people, telling them I was over 18 now and they couldn't lock me up for missing college classes anyway! It became very hard to handle and I fell back into the anorexia. I was so terrified that I just wanted to disappear. I never was good at communicating what was in my mind, and I think I saw the anorexia as sort of a metaphor...I'm broken...you don't need to break me further. By 1999, I was an emaciated mess and I am amazed I survived. I took a semester off and started doing better. In 2001 though, still struggling, I needed a break.

By 2002 I recovered and was fine, a year out of the "school" setting was all I needed. I've completed the rest of my classes through Distance Learning (there were five left) over the past 6 years.

I want my Nursing degree (the one I have now is a liberal arts and science degree with an emphasis on psychology and science). This means after this December's graduation - 2 more years of college - ON CAMPUS - to get my RN. I'm afraid. Just the other night I had one of those nightmares again, and days later I'm still not...right with it. I want this degree badly, but I doubt my ability to handle the PTSD again. College nearly killed me the first time.

Did anyone else struggle with issues like this? I know many of us had some terrible school experiences. I need hope right now. Thanks for listening.

Last edited by siuan on 26 Sep 2007, 5:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I had many similar experiences with you, ie; the PTSD, the Anorexia, and indifferent parenting. I dropped out of HS in my sophomore year, due to overwhelming pressures both school and home. Suffice it to say, I later got my G.E.D. And much later, in my thirties, I finally got the courage to attend college. You may be a lot stronger than you know! Maybe the break you took will enable you to take a close look at your triggers, and make a plan to deal with them. What helped me at college, was an understanding Academic counselor. While she did not provide therapy, I was able to drop in and talk to her, or just cry, and she was supportive. I told her my issues, and it helped that someone was aware.

I took my first college course in 1978 and still don't have a degree. With me it's like there's this hidden stress that makes me scatter-brained. At first I would sit there staring at homework for hours without knowing where to start. I did better a few years later but I still don't get all that far. This is definitely PTSD and not only was it done to me deliberately, the people who did it are occasionally still on me.

I've had VERY similar experiences. High school was an absolute nightmare. I got through it because of a loophole in my state's law (which was changed the year after I graduated) that didn't have a requirement for private school attendance. So I was able to miss something like 78 days of my senior year without any ramifications (as long as my grades were ok).

However, I flunked out of college on my first attempt (mostly due to attendance), and I didn't go back for several years.

When I finally did, I was pleasantly surprised by how well I handled it. I think I finally found the right campus for me. Most students were fairly friendly and just as lost as I was.

I've completed a bachelor's and a master's since then, but of course, I don't think I'll ever know what I want to be "when I grow up" and so I'm always considering more schooling.

My most recent interest is in nursing.

My suggestion to you -- which is what I'm considering for myself -- is to decide to take one semester of nursing classes. Tell yourself, "Just this one semester." If it ends up being a misery, you didn't necessarily fail. You're just having a 'taste test' to see if you want more. If you do like it, and you think you can continue, then promise yourself to go for "just one more."

I find that baby steps are always less intimidating. And "taste tests" don't leave you feeling like a failure if you decide that a certain course in life just isn't for you.

Here's a couple of suggestions...

Check with the school's disabled student services (or whatever they call it there).

Check with the school's Veteran's Program. I believe lots of colleges have them now-a-days.
Sounds like you are not a vet, but if you can find someone who works there and understands PTSD perhaps they can offer you some personal advice.

I do not have PTSD, so my words may ring hollow for you.

I have had many difficulties getting through college though.
I have left many classes totally stressed out and crying from my ADD/HD.

This time around, I limit myself to two academic classes at a time and one phys.ed. class for the physical workout.
I find a p.e. class does help.

I also am very upfront with my instructors. I let them know I am serious about getting through the class and doing well.
I also let them know about my ADD/HD and that I do not use it as a crutch, but it does have a real effect on me and my abilities in school.

I think the idea about 'baby-steps' is a good one, but for nursing school that may not be a viable option. I checked into the program at our local university, but decided against it because I'm worried about dispensing meds to patients. I don't want to get a calculation wrong and harm or kill someone. Everything else I have no problem with.

Anyway, take stock of your successes, seek support from places you feel understand what it is you are facing (vet's organizations for one), and see if you can give it a try for one semester.

I'm rooting for you!

You know, that's really good advice. I think looking at smaller pieces of the picture, like one semester at a time, is much easier to deal with.

Thank you, that actually makes a good deal of sense to me. Staying physically active definitely does help. I always do my best to make time for that. I think I'd feel like a fool seeking help from a vets center when my PTSD is likely nothing in comparison to theirs. I feel a little lost on getting help with that. I only got the diagnosis.

I want to be clear that if you are not a Vet, you will not get 'help' from the Vet's Center.
I was suggesting you go talk to the people there and ask them for personal advice or even local resources (couselors who deal with PTSD specifically for example).
It could go something like this...
"Hi, I have been diagnosed with PTSD and I'm trying to get through school, but I feel it may be interfering with that. I am not a Vet, but I know Veterans sometimes have to deal with PTSD. Could anyone tell me what they do to get through school with PTSD? Thank you."

You don't even have to tell them who diagnosed it or what the incident(s) were that are thought to have caused it. Just let them know it's personal and ask them to understand if you wish to not discuss it.

Do you know anyone who works in the Emergency services like a hospital E.D./Trauma Unit, E.M.S. system, Law Enforcement, Fire Fighting, etc.?
These places have what is called CISD (Critical Incident Stress Debriefing).
If you could locate someone who works on the CISD team, they may have a list of resources for someone with PTSD as well.

Just because your PTSD is not combat related, or possibly from dealing with an emergency incident, doesn't mean it's any easier to just tuck it away and 'work around' it.
eta: Also, just because it is not combat related doesn't make your PTSD any less debillitating than a Combat Vet's. Same issue(PTSD)... different reason. That's all.

I really think it could be helpful to find other folks who have experience with it. The most likely candidates are the folks I've listed above.

Having been in the military and worked in the emergency medical services, I can tell you that PTSD can be quite serious (as you may already know?) in how it affects a person's life and outwardly to those lives around that individual.

I do hope you find a good resource for dealing with this.

I totally agree with wsmac--your experience is not any less traumatic than the vets'. On a personal level, it is the same, regardless of what caused it. I'd give it a try. Where do you plan on getting your nursing degree? Still at Penn State? I don't know about you, but I find the environment here (I'm also a Penn Stater) to be very unsupportive. Switching to a different college for nursing might make it easier for you. Regardless, I'd recommend a good therapist, someone who would listen to you. Unfortunately, I didn't hear good things about the counseloring service at PSU. They misdiagnosed my ex boyfriend and put him on pills that he didn't need. The vets center is probably a good option. be strong and believe in yourself! I know that this is hard, but if you do it, you will be very proud of yourself; if you don't do it you'll regret it for the rest of your life. good luck!

Thanks wsmac and lonelylady.

I'll see what I can find out through making some phone calls. I intensely fear most professionals who work in any kind of law enforcement or psych services, so for 14 years I've been struggling through this alone. I don't know if I'm at a place yet where I can deal with it professionally, we'll see. Mostly it affects me only if I have to be in school or when I have nightmares.