Child's Point of View Needed

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Hello Everyone,

hope you don't mind me posting here, but I have 2 children (ages 7 and 11) awaiting assessment for AS (as am I). My 11 year old is really against being told she has Asperger's. I've tried to reassure her as much as I can, offered to talk, told her lots of positive things about AS (such as all the good traits, that there are some amazing and clever famous people with it, it's not an illness, it doesn't mean you're not normal etc.) but she is totally denying any possibility she has it.

Of course I wouldn't be getting her assessed if I wasn't very sure there is a strong chance she has it, and she has lots of really typical AS traits. She's trying to deny things cause her bother, such as noises, but then let slip today without realising that when her bedroom window is open loud noises come in and hurt her ears etc.

I just wanted to know, from a child's perspective, how you felt when you were told you were being assessed, if you were scared or in denial, any good tips about what your parents could do (or did) to make you feel better and not be scared, or at least be open minded to it.

If she is so strongly in denial now, if they say she's got it, I think she will have a harder time accepting it.

Thank you everyone!

I remember feeling humiliated throughout the whole ordeal. I felt like everyone around me was treating me like an alien, like I was sick, and I felt... babied.

I was no way in denial, I just wasn't used to being treated like that. Of course, I don't get treated like that at all anymore, I was just annoyed by it all at the time.

You could have her write down how she feels about being assessed, and you can also let her in on a few details about Asperger's. Tell her that no two Aspies are the same, and that some are more affected than others. Also tell her that she's only getting help if she needs it (and wants it). Tell her that it's better to know what's going on. Don't bombard her with reassurances, though, there's enough going on in her world as it is.

Good luck.

Thanks for your input MakaylaTheAspie,

how old were you when you were assessed?

I'm really loathe to tell her too much about which traits are AS because she's denying it so strongly. We already had an initial appointment and she was aggressively denying things (which were noted calmly) such as sleep problems and a history of picking small bits out of her food and lining them up around her plate. So I feel that if I tell her any more than she already knows, she will deliberately deny those things and make the process more difficult for everyone, including herself.

As hard as it is to say, children (and some adults) don't always know what's best for them, only what they feel, and what they do and don't want. So saying to her that she only needs to accept help if she wants it is probably not the best thing for her, as her mum I know she needs socialising help, and at some point may also need help with independence, because some issues point that way. She may also need help with stress management, she tends to be quite explosive when she gets irritated (which I know could be a form of small meltdown).

I don't want her to feel forced at all about having help, but it's there for her benefit and it's a nececessity and I don't want her to face the issues I faced growing up undiagnosed and without help.

At the moment, she's refusing to believe that AS even exists. She says it's made up by "tricking people" and that I am just agreeing with the "tricking people".

Thanks for your other suggestions, I will consider trying to get her to write down how she feels.

Any other input from diagnosed children will be appreciated.

I was treated like I was nothing but a target at my school last school year and all the years before that but i would not do anything about it and now that i recently found out i was an aspie people were meaner to me and then one day we had a sub and he tried to get them to stop being mean to me and even told my teacher about what happened and they made me a poster to show they were sorry and now i am treated normal.
but it took me a while to accept the fact i was an aspie.
so i know how it feels to do that and i think you should show her this comment and let her think about it a while.

Thanks for your input DragonB,

my daughter is home educated now so luckily we don't have to deal with bullying. When she was at school she had constant problems with other children, and in one school was physically bullied.

I think she might be scared, which is what is causing her to be in denial. I just need to find a way through that for her.

It's no problem. She's still a little bit too young to understand what it is. I know I didn't.

I was diagnosed at 9 years old, so about 7 years ago.

Thanks MakaylaTheAspie,

I tried getting her to write down her feelings, she refused. I explained that I wanted her to feel happy and to know that she could talk to me, and that I didn't want her to have any worries about anything. She starts walking away from me if I even mention a word about it. I don't know what else I can do. She really doesn't want to know.

Obviously as a parent it's my instinct to protect her and help her. I think that all I can do is face her attitude when the next appointment comes up and deal with it then.

She's more interested in a character she's really obsessed with, and how she can get to meet the character and tells me that her happiness hinges on being able to do that! I almost feel like there is no depth to her, as she's also really lacking in empathy all round, as well as sympathy, and clearly can't see that I am worried about how she feels (because of her negativity and denial) and is so absorbed in this character, even though I've explained the logistics of how impossible it is to meet them. I guess I need to stop worrying and take it as it comes.

Thanks.

Sorry that didn't work. Does she commonly deny things that she doesn't understand? That could be part of the reason.

Better yet: Is there someone she always listens to, regardless of what they say?

Not that I've noticed. She has always been very oppositional (defiant).

Normally she listens to me when she's calm and rational, however, she does have an attitude problem, and when she's in a mood she doesn't listen to me then!

I'm just wondering whether it's partly because going to the appointments is a change to her routine and it stresses her that way.

She sounds like an aspie. You should try, instead of withholding information from her, telling her more about it. Not only will this possibly give her more reason to believe she does have aspergers, IS but it will also make her feel less--well, it's sorta like that feeling when everyone's withholding important information from you when you have every right to know. It is that feeling, actually.

Also, it may be that somewhere deep down (I know, it's cliche) she believes it, she just has internal conflict and is so angry she's denying everything to everyone. Maybe

Hi physicsnut42,

the only reason I decided not to tell her more is what I said before:



I'm not withholding any information - she doesn't ask about it. It's purely because of her behaviour in front of the psychotherapist that I thought it was better if I don't point out her relevant behaviours to her beforehand. I don't want her to get a failed diagnosis because she knows what to lie about. If she asked me I guess I would tell her more, but I would have grave reservations because of this denial issue.

You know you are very perceptive for a 12 year old! I also thought that deep down she believes it too and that this is why she is denying it. This would be the basis of the fear, because as I said to her "you have nothing to worry about, if you don't have it they will find that you don't have it". She must have had feelings that she has differences or something doesn't feel right, and now she's heard about AS she must be wondering if that's why, but it's still a shock to a child to hear.

Maybe you're right. But when I was first diagnosed (age I was told most of the stuff as well as the fact that many famous people (Beethoven; Newton; Einstein; Paul Dirac, who isn't very well known but just as important as the former 3) had it. But then again I was told after they'd done the tests and they were sure I had it.

sorry the was a glitch it's supposed to say age 8.

Hmmn, I did try that tactic already (see this from my OP):



Thanks anyway physicsnut42.

yeah I know. Maybe this is just my brain spazzing out, but perhaps mentioning specific names would do the trick. There are many famous people who were supposed to be aspies who I'd never heard of, or would care for, otherwise.

Sorry if it looks like I'm just spitting out random words and not reading the original post. I just have a bad habit of repeating things.

Don't worry, I didn't think that at all. I just presumed you hadn't read the OP or the entire thread.

My daughter hasn't heard of most of the famous names except probably Newton and Einstein. She's not that into science, although she loves space and the universe, so those names you gave me would probably not have any resonance with her. If you told me Alvin and the Chipmunks had AS then I might have some luck!

I can't remember being assessed, as I was only five at the time but when I actually found out (aged eight), I was overjoyed. I was relieved to know that I wasn't just a "weirdo".