So traumatised by clash with coworker (venting)

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Just venting and trying to get this out of my system so I can normalise again.

Had a clash with a coworker yesterday that actually got resolved pretty well, but I've been so traumatised ever since, just completely freaking out. I've been stimming and having to stop myself talking to myself, with skin-tingling that's a mild symptom of panic attacks I have, right through til today. My productivity has gone to sh*t and now I'm just exhausted with a late deadline ahead of me before I stand a chance of going home.

I have a history with this coworker – I'm the editor working on her articles and she'll often nitpick over the tiniest changes, when I have to come up with solutions to real problems, like text not fitting on a page. I get terribly, terribly defensive because I'm never sure if I'm reading the requirements of situations correctly, so I'm never 100% sure I'm right, and so much of my self-image is invested in knowing that, whatever else, I have a real flair for working with English.

I often overreact and can't let go in situations like this, so while I know I handled everything as well as I could, I just can't get over it. I wrote out an e-mail instead of getting myself cornered into a phone call where I'd be totally stressed and unable to formulate coherent arguments, conceded her point of view where she was right, worked with her to make a plan to solve the problem in future and determined that most of the problem was due to communication glitches on both sides – all great. But I'm still panicking and can't get it out of my head.
I think a lot of my frustration and defensiveness came out in the e-mail, even though I tried to tone it down, and just the fact that she had valid points makes me feel like I've transgressed by confronting her when she had her own side of the story. She cited problems she's had on the editing side and it's shaking my confidence in my ability to do my job. I struggle to judge what's expected of me and what's an acceptable error marging, so I can't reassure myself.

I dunno. Have yet to formulate a good way to cope when I get like this. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.

Sure you have:


That's about all I know how to do.

Busy work is the best that I 've been able to figure out. You might try writing a "fiction" story or something.

Based on bitter past experience, nit-pickers and micro-managers don't trust themselves to do their own jobs so they can't trust others to do theirs, as a result they actively seek to undermine others' self-confidence in order to bring everyone down to their level, thus protecting themselves from the terrifying prospect of being "found out."

Unfortunately your co-worker appears to be a savvy manipulator who knows your hot buttons and when/how to push them for maximum effect, making everyone else think she's Mother Teresa and you're "crazy" (been there, done that).

Don't know what to say other than be aware she's probably a pathological liar so you can never believe a word she says even though everybody else always will, especially when it's her word against yours. Not exactly "helpful" or "advice," sad reality of Aspie life is we can only tell the truth as our pure unadulterated four-year-old logic dictates; we can't make grown-ups want to believe it nor can we make it any less true, which is why we're the ones who always end up getting screwed in the end.

All you can do is know you're completely in the right and be prepared to suffer accordingly.

Thanks for the advice, you guys!

BTDT, I totally agree with you about the work – it at least keeps you going until bedtime, when there's nothing to distract you anymore. ThreeTone 55, I'm lucky enough not to have the nightmare colleague you describe (this time), but I think your advice about trusting myself to know whether I'm right is reinforcement I needed.

You know what, RainingRoses, you're right – I've never really had a forum where I could vent about reactions like this and be understood, and I actually did feel almost instantly better.

So I guess I should be saying "Thank you WrongPlanet" too.

I know you're venting and my going off side-track might be a bit frustrating but...

Are you a graphic designer, by any chance??

Glad to hear it but my unfortunate lesson learned is any Aspie in your situation needs to be aware being right isn't always enough; true facts are no defense against carefully calculated false perceptions of Aspie "weird" or "strange" behavior. I was banned from workplace and ordered to undergo psych evaluation in response to my supervisor's documented complaint to Human Resources that my "presence is unsettling." I eventually prevailed but it was a long hard road.

I knew I was right all along, just as you know you're right now. Aspie problem is we often have to spend extended periods defending ourselves for being ourselves before we can begin defending ourselves for being right. In crunch time I counted on others I just assumed would do the right thing because that was part of their job description. BIIIG mistake, CYA always comes first.

Not saying my nightmare scenario would ever happen to anyone else, just be aware and prepared it could. Protect yourself, be on guard against co-workers like yours, understand their motives, don't play into their hands.