Shoot me, I'm not a team player

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Hi, new here.....just got done posting in the forum for newbies but do have a specific topic to discuss. I'm 40/female (undiagnosed AS and extremely introverted) and work in the engineering field. 99% of the time it's great because I work with people with many of the same issues as I deal with - as long as I'm dealing with other engineers/techs. However, I've recently started to get to know one of the accounting types there and I *thought* we were becoming at least decent work acquaintances, which seemed nice because I generally have very few friends. Lately she and the secretary, who are good friends outside of work, have been trying to pressure me into becoming a "rep" for this company and it requires hosting parties in your own home and pressuring others to sell and become reps. I find the idea absolutely vile and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Even if I wanted to get involved, I don't know enough people well enough to feel comfortable inviting them to my home - which is slightly embarrasing to admit, especially to people I work with every day. Beyond that, I'm not interested in the first place. I'm not good at selling and I don't think it's right to pressure people in any situation, but especially in this economy. I don't like making people feel bad, upset, etc. The whole thing may work for them and that's fine, I just can't/won't get into it.

The secretary is very political and was never that nice to me until she thought she could recruit me into this MLM thing. Then she started being very saccharine sweet to me, it's very transparent but at the same time I really don't care about her anyway. The other lady, the accountant type, I actually like her and was disappointed when this whole MLM thing reared its ugly head. She hasn't put as much pressure on me as the other lady but it's still there and still annoying.

My problem is this.....being of the socially stunted sort, so to speak, could I have missed any signs/clues that she wasn't really interested in being my friend, at least a work type friend? She had talked about this MLM crap in the past but had never asked me to get involved until recently. She once told me her psych diagnosed her with borderline personality disorder and I do seem to attract those type of women, for whatever reason. I am very, very tired of trying to make the occasional female friend and it never seems to work out, especially the older I get. This current "friend" isn't a good listener, often quite self-centered, and interrupts people all the time, especially the more comfortable we've become with one another. She also seems to have a lot of drama in her life.

I'm also worried that somehow not getting involved with this MLM crap with co-workers will come back to haunt me at the office. There are rules against promoting MLM stuff at work but it absolutely doesn't stop any of these ladies. I don't want what they are selling, I'm not a big spender, and would rather do my own thing/hate to have commitments. A person announces anything like that at work and it's like putting a target on your back saying "Shoot me, I'm not a team player." BTW, my boss is heavily involved in Amway, my two "buddies" are involved with three different MLMs, and there are many others there who promote this kind of thing.....I'm sick of the invites and sick of making excuses about why I can't show up to their parties.

Why am I sooooo naive when it comes to other women and has anyone else here had to deal with that pressure to get involved in the latest/greatest MLM scheme? If so, how did you handle it?

Gosh, I just hate this kind of stuff. It's hard enough trying to make friends without all this.

I was involved in an MLM years ago and it did not work out well. I was approached some years later by a really pushy person who wanted me to join her new MLM. My way out of it was to tell her that my past experience was not good, even then she insisted it would be different this time. After several more conversations I just stuck to my guns in not joining in and told her I could not afford to buy 'products' that I really didn't want to use. She did not contact me again.

In your work situation it is much more difficult. I can only suggest weathering it out and trying to find others to just talk about work related issues or safe topics. Perhaps the other lady you like will realize that it doesn't matter if they can't get everyone to join in with their MLM plans. Unfortunately it's like indoctrination were you are told usually to keep working everyone to get them to join as it their only way of getting to the next level.

I wish you luck.

You don't like making people feel bad or upset which is fine, but do these people have any reservations about making you feel bad or upset? They aren't respecting your boundaries so you have nothing to apologize for if you do make them feel bad or upset by refusing to bend to their pressure. This rep thing isn't something you want to do and, from what you state, isn't something you feel qualified to do anyway. In my experience, when people do things they know they really aren't qualified to do, and don't want to do, it doesn't usually turn out well for them. As someone in engineering you should know a lot about the concepts of safety margins and parameters. You don't recede the safety margins such that something might be pushed beyond it's parameters. Don't allow yourself to be pushed beyond yours. Just tell them "I can't do it, I've got too many other things going on right now. Sorry" and if they keep pressing the issue, reiterate yourself and tell them to please stop asking. If they have an issue with this that's honestly their problem.



These types of people tend to be attracted to secretarial work for some reason. I never really understood why but I loathed working in offices for the longest time because of it.

The Kids In the Hall represent them well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NubcKsQTuNQ



People with borderline personality disorder usually experience emotions very intensely and because of that, they tend to be emotionally impulsive and short sighted which leave little room for ulterior motives of the type you are worrying about. They tend to be very self centered, not because they don't care about others but because they become so blinded by their own emotions they have a hard time not thinking about whatever they are thinking about. There is no such thing as a little problem for them. Everything is a crisis due to the intensity they experience emotions with, and they tend to create their own drama where drama doesn't really need to be. They have a strong fear of abandonment coupled with instabilities in their self worth and ironically, as a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts, usually destroy their own relationships. They also perceive people in very binary ways because they have a hard time reconciling the fact that a person, including themselves, can be both good and bad. If they like you they usually think you are one of the best people in the world, and if they feel you have wronged them in some way, they will usually think you are the most horrible person in the world. That this lady told you she had borderline personality disorder is a sign that she is aware of her problems and probably attempting to overcome them so I wouldn't write her off as a potential friend just yet. You do, however, have to be firm in your boundaries with them.



It sounds like getting involved in it will haunt you more. People with AS are good at being stubborn, so be stubborn. You're a team player with respect to your responsibilities at work.

Why am I sooooo naive when it comes to other women and has anyone else here had to deal with that pressure to get involved in the latest/greatest MLM scheme? If so, how did you handle it?[/quote]

I take it you mean Multi Level Marketing?

simply, just don't, as it's a synonym for pyramid scheme, and they only help ONE person; the one at the top... suffice to say, it'll have a heavy toll on your wallet unless you're extremely careful...

yeah when i was in college working part-time living at my parents house, i was introduced by a work acquaintance who had just started working with amway. i remember going to this acquaintance's apartment and having a meeting with the amway rep. at first, it seemed like a brilliant idea, like i could easily do it. and then he asked me to give him my cellphone to see how many contacts i had and he states "oh you dont have that many people here". as i recall i probably made up some BS reasoning for it as strangely i was essentially trying to convince him i could do the job. i went to a meeting or two at a local motel and just felt completely out of place there. i came to realize i did have not have that essential switch to turn on the extroverted/happy go lucky/sell,sell,sell mentality and when i finally understood the real power of this BS i.e it being a pyramid scheme i quickly walked away from it. but you would think i would have learned my lesson. well no.

right after i graduated from college, i felt invincible in my future unknown career. that the world was my playground and i was bound to be successful in all ways in life. so i went to one particular job fair and became acquainted with this nice guy from an insurance company. he seemed to be very interested in talking to me about selling insurance and how much money i could make and all the BS. i actually tried to do the cold-selling BS with this company, as strangely enough on the very first day of my "employment" i had stupidly agreed to my own life insurance policy, which this f*****g as*hole gladly got a commission off of. you would think i would have known better. so i stayed on, went to some big regional meeting which to me seemed to be very f*****g cult-like and being around these extroverts who were so f*****g happy and successful with all their sales. in hindsight, i guess what got me interested was the product knowledge. i enjoyed learning about this stuff and in all reality, since everyone usually has a life insurance policy, it would not be too hard of a sale as long as i had the knowledge of the products, i guess i believed the sales would just come naturally. i ended up growing dissatisfied with it as i made no f*****g money and by the time and with the time i had been there, you would think the "management" would be concerned about my lack of sales. nope.

i was just a guinea pig to be used for the purpose of making money off of and throwing me BS words of encouragement. i remember one time the office manager said to me "that i was a personable person" and i recall basically saying i didnt agree with that at all. another time i remember for some reason was that since i was like the youngest "employee" there or something, i remember one night where after we had our weekly meeting all of a sudden my boss was like "hey come to the conference room. so i walk in there and there are like 10 to 15 mid 30s to early 60s people in there standing in a circle, and im thinking what the f**k is going on?...what did we end up doing? we ended up doing some stupid lame ass exercise stretches for a few minutes (keep in mind we were all dressed in suits/dresses) and at the end...the leader says "you are going to love it around here...we have a lot of fun"...looking back at it, i think they were just nervous that i was going to leave them or something so they wanted to show how "fun" working there was. oh how naive i was.

the point of it is that after those two experiences, i have learned i cannot and never will be able to any type of outside/cold-calling/commission-based/pyramid scheme/upselling focused/extroverted wasteland sales BS. you really have to be a complete bullshitting manipulative sociopath to do those creepy f*****g sales. when really those sales are just about using people and making people fall for your BS just so you can make money off of their lameness or inability to understand that you are just a good salesman and never will be any type of "friend" nor care about them as a person at all. MY ADVICE IS TO STAY THE f**k AWAY FROM IT. you will be better off doing so mentally, physically, emotionally, psychologically.

pyramid scheme?

sounds like a bad idea. just say no

If employees are pressuring other employees to enroll in a pyramid scheme, then why have you not reported this to HR? A credible company should want nothing to do w/ people who associate w/ this stuff.

Pyramid schemes are NEVER a good idea.

This reminds me of an interview I went to that was actually a recruitment for selling life insurance. I easily saw through the BS the lady was saying, and at the end of it, she even admitted it was BS by telling us it was a routine we could all learn in a couple of hours. Once it was over, we each went into someone's office to tell them whether or not we wanted to do it. I sincerely hope I wasn't the only one there who went in there and declined the job. Judging by the ease with which the guy accepted it, I probably was.

You need to just hang out with different people.

Pressuring people at work to join marketing schemes is ridiculous, you are being way too hard on yourself. You don't have to do what everyone else says to be a "team player". You need to ally yourself with people who aren't in on it. You make it sound like everyone is doing it but that's probably not true.

If you want to make a good impression at work stand up for yourself, turn them down without having the attitude that that you are doing something wrong, THEY are the ones doing something wrong. Don't get mad and berate them, do something like, make fun of them, make jokes about it.

I think that they are trying to take advantage of you because they see you as an easy target. I have had people try to do the same thing to me. They get desparate to have people in their "downline", and someone who hasn't many friends or is a little bit socially isolated seems like an easy mark to them.
Ask the person who else they have tried to sell it to in your office and if they can name anyone, ask what the response was.

What you are describing reminds me of this: http://www.skepdic.com/mlmhar.html