Getting Filmed at Work

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For background: I work with 3 year old children and part of my job involves running socialization groups for shy kids and those with various kinds of special needs. In a way this is terribly ironic given how bad I am at socializing with peers; however, I feel that it gives me additional insight into what these children may be thinking or feeling and the way to structure the groups so as to make sure they're comfortable (and stopping the session as soon as I sense that they're not!) It seems to be working - some of them have made wonderful progress, and I'm really proud of them.

Anyway. As part of performance management, my supervisor wanted to film me interacting with a child and then watch it back together to critique it - the critique involving aspects such as what I said, my movements, my body language and facial expression. I was completely horrified and panicked even at the thought of the idea - I haven't allowed myself to be photographed for non-official purposes for over a decade, let alone filmed. The presence of the camera would produce an acute anxiety response.

That means she'd have a film of how I interacted with a child while under high stress, not an example of my typical work. Not to mention that although I can't see myself from the outside, I imagine my movements, body language and so forth are a bit off given my social issues, and when I work with developmentally delayed children I'm often pulling silly faces or making odd sounds to engage them, because that's what works to get them interested in interacting when language doesn't. I know it works, because I've both read the theory and seen the progress the children have made once I've applied it.

So I refused to be filmed. I said that my supervisor was willing to observe my sessions and take notes, but I didn't want a camera present because then it wouldn't be a fair evaluation of my competence. She agreed initially but now seems to be pushing for filming again. There's nothing in my contract of employment explicitly mentioning video for performance management or anything of the sort.

Am I being unreasonable? I legitimately cannot help the panic response I have at the sight of a camera or the thought of being filmed, even though I know it's not entirely rational, and I'm terribly sensitive to criticism at the best of times, so even the thought of picking over the minutiae of my physical self makes me very tense.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? What did you do?

It really is nothing to feel self conscious about and it has happened several times to me at school and while in the military. At college I was photographed for a brochure to promote the college. The same occurred when I was in the military both during basic training and after. I was filmed running and doing calisthenics' and eating a meal with a racially mixed group of people in a restaurant over in Italy. The meal was free and sponsored by those photographing us. Just ignore the cameras' and you won't feel awkward about it.

Filming you is supposed to help you become better at your job. This is for your benefit. The word "critique" makes people think in negative terms. I would think for a job where body language and movements are important, you would have already become an old pro around cameras. It is unusual that they do not film on a regular basis.

Perhaps you can convince yourself that this is for your own good, and the bettering of your teaching technique, and thus is beneficial to your job and the students.

Thank you both for your input!

I'm very aware that this isn't a problem for most people, they might be self-conscious but not to the extreme that I am. However, part of my long journey from serious depression to self-acceptance has been the recognition that I'm not like most people (I may still be unsure about whether I have AS or not, but I'm 100% certain that I'm not NT) and that it isn't wrong for me to be different.

At the moment, being filmed would at the very least induce a full-blown panic attack. The last time I had one of those at work I found it incredibly difficult to go back to my job at all, and I'd rather not repeat the experience.

I'm still amazed that I have a job at all after years of unemployment, let alone a job I love, and I'd rather not push my stress levels past breaking point.

Worrying about what I look like or sound like while I'm doing my job isn't going to make me a better practitioner, it's going to make me miserable. I'm guessing that if I were actually doing anything wrong I would have been picked up on it already, and there's nothing constructive a video can tell me that having management observe me and give feedback (our usual method!) can't.

Being filmed can be a great source of anxiety. Even if you are performing your job perfectly, having a camera suddenly looking at you, and what you do, can be a real trigger. People can become much more self conscious and always feel 'there's a camera on me' in the back of their mind. This can lead to more awkward behavior, as your mind analyses everything you do, trying to make sure you make no mistakes. There's no easy solution. The only thing you can do is possibly explain that you are not against being filmed per se, but that cameras trigger your anxiety, and you are afraid that your behavior will not be a true representation of your typical job performance.