Blaming parents for not having a job

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I have gotten help from you guys before and I hope you can give me some advice again! I have a 24 year old nephew that has Asperger"s but is in TOTAL DENIAL! Right now he has his feet firmly planted in what Dr Tony Attwood calls the "god complex", he says that no one is as smart as he is, and that we are all basically beneath him. He has a Bachelor's degree but is unemployed, and says that the reason is because his parents made him waste time going to school. He does not try to find a job because he feels that it is his parents responsibility to do that for him since they made him go to college. He is VERY ANGRY with them and has actually said to me that if they died, he would be glad! Also, he tells his Mother how angry he is, but he does not go to his Father (who we also know has Asperger"s but does not know it). Needless to say, my sister, his mom, is STRESSED OUT beyond belief! How do we deal with his anger? He is almost at times bullying her, but she is no pushover by a long-shot so they end up in these big arguments! When I talk to him he goes on and on about how they ruined his life. I try to let him vent but the more I do, the nastier he becomes in his words against his parents. Bottom line, I would just like to know how to deal with his anger without pushing him too far to where maybe he hurts himself or someone else! Any suggestions?

Has anyone figured out that this period in time has the highest percentage of unemployed college graduates in history? Many people who graduate from college must return home. I am sure they are all feeling anger and frustration because they cannot find a job.

Blaming someone for "making" you go to college is a bit ridiculous, any kind of education is better than none, even today. A Bachelor's degree is a common thing these days and really is the lowest step in any career. His parents are not to blame that some fools in the financial arena blew up the world wide economy. Attributing the cause to two tiny people who have nothing to do with it, is a logical fallacy.

These days it can take up to a year or more to get a decent job. He needs to find something "tolerable" that will teach him good skills that will look good on a resume. Depending on his field (what his Bachelors was in) this will be variable. There are many "bottom step" type jobs that will give a college grad a year or two of decent work experience and will look good on a resume.

Most colleges have alumni services that should be able to help with the job search. Has he been using these? Just wondering.

It also sounds like he may need to see a mental health expert who might prescribe him something that might help him calm down emotionally somewhat.

I don't know if this is good advice or not, but I understand where he is coming from. I too graduated and did not find anything in my field. I went through denial and anger and depression. Anti-depressants helped.

I would just make sure to set the facts straight:
noone "made" him do anything, he's over 18 and can do whatever he wants, so it was his decision.
So my first impulse would be to just let him deal with everything himself, this might help get rid of the god complex.

Then again, I haven't heard his side of the story, and I know that these kinds of conflicts can get very distorted depending on who is telling the story about them. I'm sure it would be very easy to make me sound unfair, lazy and arrogant in my behaviour towards my parents, for example. But that would be due to a lack of understanding of the deeper issues and without knowing what I think and what motivates me.
So maybe a better solution would be to offer support, however only under the condition that he treats everybody respectfully.

I would be very careful about trying to mandate mental health evaluations or suggesting that he might "need" medication.

Well that seems a bit extreme of a reaction...but then again I am pretty bitter about feeling like I was kinda pushed into going to college and taking out loans I couldn't hope to pay back only to find I couldn't function in college but push myself to anyways. But yeah I am not sure what quite explains the blaming of his parents specifically(unless they really did pressure him to go to college)...and it seems like a lot of misplaced anger....I don't really know though because I've never acted like that in reaction to anything before.

Well, I will just say this about my nephew, who I will call "T" from now on. He is in COMPLETE DENIAL of having Asperger's, and in fact was insulted that anyone could consider for half a second that anyone with his vast intelligence could be anywhere on the autism spectrum! He really feels that he is THE most intelligent person on this planet and that we should all bow down to his superior way of thinking! I kid you not! So any suggestions of going to see a therapist about this are null and void. That's why I am trying to find a way for two NT'S, myself and his Mom, to navigate through his way of thinking. He tells me that he has looked for jobs but I do not believe him, he doesn't even get up until 3! I know that it is easy to say that you have only read my side of the story, and no matter what I say, that will still be the conclusion, BUT, his Mom is an absolute ANGEL that has catered to him because she knows he is in denial and she is just trying to help him find a place in this world. Sadly, it seems to be to his detriment because he is completely reliant upon her FOR EVERYTHING. He doesn't see this as a grown intelligent man depending on "Mommy", he sees it as it should be all about him anyway! What I want to know is, when an Aspie is having a meltdown, a grown up Aspie, do you just let him? Do we challenge him? Do I let him say whatever is on his mind even if it is incredibly disrespectful about his parents? When he says, "they ruined my life because they made me go to school", do I just agree with him to keep him calm? By the way, his Dad has un-diagnosed Asperger's as well, so my sister, his Mom, IS GOING THROUGH IT!! ! She truly is suffering from post-traumatic stress!! I must reiterate, she is by far no pushover, but she is very tired. And to Sweetleaf, I am sure you will find a place for you. Please hang in there.

What you're saying makes him sound like a terrible person, I hear a lot of judgement in there, and just for that reason I feel less compelled to condemn him. For example, you're completely convinced he is autistic, even though he has obviously not been diagnosed. You completely discount his opinion on the matter and call it denial. He may be in denial (or he may be right), but if you're not open to his perspective, you can't expect him to be.
If your sister is overwhelmed, she needs to withdraw from the conflict for now.

I don't think it makes a lot of sense to "challenge" an Aspie that is having a meltdown, because he is already overwhelmed in that situation. There is no need for manipulation at all, be it agreeing or challenging. He'll need to figure out how to deal with it himself. You don't need to expose yourself to it either.

Frankly, this doesn't sound like something you can resolve on your own. You need a neutral third party to mediate (ideally someone with the necessary training).
I'm saying this because you're emotionally invested too, and obviously both sides are angry, exhausted and not able to see the other side's viewpoint.

It's simple. Tell your nephew's parents that from now on they need to charge him rent, and he should do his own laundry, make his own bed, clean his own room, make his own meals, and pay his own bills. Also, no watching the family TV, or using the family PC. If he wants to have and use his own TV and PC, they should include a fee for the use of the electricity in his rent. He should also not be allowed to use any family vehicles. Let him buy his own and pay for his own insurance, gas, and maintenance. If he won't pay his own way, and continues being a jerk, they should strip his room down to the carpet/bare floor, and give him a sleeping bag, pillow, lamp, alarm clock (not with a radio), bedroom trash can, a box with his clean clothes in it, and a laundry basket for the dirties. Then they can tell him that when he starts paying rent, and starts acting civil to them, he can have more personal effects.

Sorry to sound so tough, but he sounds like he is spoiling for a fight. If he doesn't stop being a jerk, and keeps looking for a fight, they may have to find a facility that would take him in, or kick him out.

Hey, Look Twice, you said it, I didn't. I love my nephew, but yes, at times he can be a terrible person. A lot of us can be. He has seen a couple of therapists and when the Asperger's thing came up he immediately dismissed it and called it quits on the therapy. In reading about this I have found out that denial is very common. Trust me, if anyone met my nephew, you would nominate him as THE FACE of Asperger's!! If anyone could be a "textbook" case, it is him! Not being mean, he is a sweetie pie most of the time but lately he is getting more and more angry because he absolutely, positively has dug his heels into thinking that because his Mom insisted he finish and at least get his bachelors, that has ruined his life. He said that he could not go to school and work because it would be too much for him to handle, so guess what? He refused to work! He has rituals that are at times hilarious, but also he does them with no regard to other people in the household. He has LITERALLY told me that his intelligence is far superior to anyone else on this planet. And he is not being silly, he really believes it. There are so many other things I can tell you that would make you see that we are not grasping at straws with the whole Asperger's thing. He has it, no doubt about it! And to Questor, YAAAYYYY!! ! You have said some of the very things I have told my sister! Problem is, she has an Aspie hubby who is disconnected except for what he deems important! I guess it comes down to what we will or will not put up with from a 24 year old, Asperger's or not!

Also Questor, I am going to steal that Henry David Thoreau quote!! I love it and it is quite applicable to this situation I feel!! !

My advice would be to stop letting him 'vent' on this particular subject. Maybe explain once that you feel he is being unfair to his parents and that you don't want to listen to it anyore, end of.

If you really want to help him, I think you need to help him let the subject drop. By all means, be supportive in other ways, but just not about this.

More than likely he is having major problems finding a job. God knows I have. You need to understand what he is up against. First, a lot of the jobs are going to require him to take a personality test. More than likely he does not understand what the questions are asking for. The questions they ask come across as vague and ambigious. If he does not meet the criteria they want in this test they will not hire him.

Second, You need to try to find out what he does understand about the workplace and how it works. He may have a skewed view of how the workplace functions. How I thought the workplace was this. I thought you go to school, then college, and after college you just slide into the job just like that. I always thought that the main thing that mattered was the ability to do the job. I thought they molded you into it. I've always thought that every job had a set of duties similar to Fredrick Taylor's Scientifc Management system. I've always thought the workplace functioned based upon his ideas. I believe in the older times this is how it was. Things are completely different today. I never knew you had to display a certain personality or be a certain personality they wanted. I never knew the purpose of the interview was to see if I meshed up with team. In fact, I never knew and even believed until my first day at voc rehab that appearance counted.

Third, he may have to take timed tests. He may be given mathematical word problems in which due to his communication difficulties he will have major problems solving.

Fourth, it is not what you know it is who you know. They do not hire by the job posts but by word of mouth. It is more of who you know then what you know. Guess what, on the personality test one question may be "It is who you know and not what you know?" This may be factually true but he is supposed to put false. This question is more of an emotional and personality assessment. It doesn't test his logic or the facts. What it is asking him is does he blame society and employers for his lack of employment. It is a question written in double-speak to see if he is a responsible person or does he blame any external entities for any issues or passes the buck. This is another thing he is up against.

Fifth, what he has been taught in school is false. Their methods and knowledge of the workplace is outdated. He is being taught to fit into the old way which is more of the taylorian scientific management way. Today's workplace is not as rigid in that sense.

Sixth, he may have problems with time. In the workplace, they don't dictate how long he needs to complete a task. He is expected to give management the answer to that. More than likely he doesn't know how to do that.

As others have said, your nephew's behavior seems extreme, but I can relate to the sentiment. As children, we're told by parents and teachers that going to college is the only way to be successful in life-that otherwise, we'll be unemployed or only be able to get minimum wage jobs. It was one thing for my parents to pressure me into going to college, but they also told me that I should major in something I was interested in so that I would get a high GPA. That was obviously bad advice. as now I know employers care far, far more about your major than your GPA. A 2.0 in Engineering is still going to be worth more than a 4.0 in History.

My parents also pressured me into finishing in four years. I did, but it didn't do me any good. By contrast, I know people who took their sweet little time in getting their degree who now do just fine in the job market.

So no, I don't hate my parents, but do I feel they should help me out now? Yes, I do.

Exactly, it is what we are told. My parents didn't say this but my teachers did. This is what we were told by one of our teachers. We were told that if we did not do well on the SATs we would have no future at all. Probably except for government jobs, most employers do not care about your GPA or your grades at all. You are so correct about this whoknowswhy. More than likely he was taught an outdated model of how to get a job. WhoKnowsWhy, they don't care as much about your major as they do about your personality and how many years experience you have. When I went to college I didn't know that. In fact, I didn't know that one could do an internship without ever taking a class associated with it.

Wafflesmom I think parents should help their children. Are not parents supposed to train their children in the way they should go? Yes, it is his parent's responsibility to help him find a job and teach him how the work world works just like it is in the wild the father lion and mother lion teach their young how to hunt. Wafflesmom, without his parents help and with your derision and scorn more than likely he will fail. If I spoke to him now I would advise him to claim social security disability and ssi as well because you all are setting him up to fail..

^this

I don't know when I am upset about something, and the other person tells me to just drop it that usually makes it worse...because what they aren't getting is I would drop it if I could but its consuming my brain at that moment so I can't. So that just makes me feel like they might as well just say shut up and walk away. I mean if you don't want to hear it tell him that, but if he's 22 you can't exactly 'dis-allow' him from venting. It seems to me like no one is really listening to him at all.........I mean maybe there is a reason he is so bitter. The superiority act might be an attempt at a defense mechanism.

I find it disturbing you would suggest treating a possibly autistic 22 year old this way, come on strip the carpet off his floor take his property away and say 'obey' or you don't get any of your possessions back? Also its kind of hard to pay rent if you can't find a job and finding a job is even harder if your not allowed to use the available transportation...but yeah I'd tell him to take it up with the law if his parents did something like that. I mean kicking him out would be one thing, not something I'd agree with.....but hey at least its reasonable somewhat. But trying to control a 22 year old adult that way disabled or not is a terrible idea but a great way to build more resentment.