Ways in which aspieism conflicts with your job

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I work in a Cytogenetics lab accessioning samples and solving problems involving test preparation and the heavy amount of Data Entry. I also have to take phone calls, which isn't so bad, because I have a script to go off of on every call in or out. But I have a sensitivty to sound and bright light. So every day becomes a roller coaster of stress and drama. Recently I let slip to a cowrorker about my Aspieness, and a few other people over heard. I was already alienated to begin with for multiple reasons, beyond even my own personality and some of my quirks. But now, the anxiety and paranoia are at an all time high. Some days its hard to come in and sit still every time a machine or computer fails or crashes and swear under my breath, constantly hoping no one witness me having a "mini-meltdown"

Recently we had another Aspie working with us, he was a Tech though. He was much more introverted than I am and was much more prone to HUGE tantrtums. I had wanted to approach him and talk to him a few times, but was always to shaky with it. He wasn't with us for long and they fired him. He had two meltdowns at work, but the someone made up a third one, and now he's gone for something he didn't even do. Since then I have been thrice as paranoid.

I got into this field with a different company where I would spend my work day with my head phones on karyotyping chromosomes, which was nice a nd simple and I got to keep to myself, listen to books or music on my ipod and solve puzzles with the building blocks that make humans, so we could see if there were any abnormalities.

I am sorry for making this so long, but its been on my chest and I feel it is better for me to vent it here with like minds and understanding then in other settings.

I think I have several qualities that make me good at my job as a computer programmer at a small to mid-sized hospital.
I don't shy away from problems, especially when I see a solution, regardless how complex it is. It may take me a while, because sometimes I do not have all the skill sets or information required to accomplish a task, but when I think of a solution, I carry it out. I don't offer a solution I am not willing to do the work for. Contrast this with the other two programmers who seem to shy away from any processes that are complex. They are both capable, so I don't understand it. When I think of a solution, it seems to me that it is fully realized. It seems obvious If I explain the solution, they don't seem to understand. That may just be my explanation. As I understand it, you may know what I mean when I say English is not my primary language. When they offer a solution, often they do not want to see it through. I on the other hand have a very strong desire to implement solution. i have to know if it will work.

#1 I cannot talk about the above at work because they think I'm trying to be special, that I'm seeking attention, or I'm trying to make everyone else look bad.

#2 I end up volunteering for a lot of projects. More often than not, I see the solution as something very simple. The hardest part for me is when I feel the solution should involve some technology or process that I have not done before, but would add value to the user's experience. Little things like detecting who is logged in so they don't have a dozen applications to log into, or someone enters a patient number and instead of having the person enter duplicate data, then the program fetches the information where ever possible. Or even instead of entering the patient's information, detect who is logged in and where they are logged in, and then present a list of patients on their unit. So then I will spend investigating the best way to determine the location, also keeping in mind that the system used to determine this may be replaced at some point, so whatever I do, needs to be flexibly and adjust from one system to another, or at the very least be modular enough that coding changes can be made without an extensive rewrite. After all, if we are replacing one system with another, I'm going to be working on that project as well. So I also need something that will remind me about this program's dependency on the system. But what if I have more than one program using this mechanism to identify where the computer is located? Maybe this mechanism should be a stand alone program that provides this service to other programs. Wait. Maybe there is something already in place with the infrastructure that can already provide this information?

I'll stop there. So right there I have a LOT of research to do, and fair amount of planning, and just when I start looking into some of these. *RING THE GONG* The third and most problematic thing occurs.

#3 (scene opens in the I.T. conference room, or maybe an e-mail)
"Programmers, the nurse managers have been meeting and want to know if it is possible when a patient has been admitted or transferred to a unit to send an alert when the patient has been flagged as having an MDRO?"
"What's an MDRO?"
"A (Multi-Drug Resistance Organism."

If this is in the form of a meeting, I will wait a minute or so for one of the other programmers to respond or to start saying it isn't possible. If no one responds, I will volunteer because this is a total thing that can be done. If someone says it cannot be done, I will wait for the meeting to end and then approach our director and tell him I'll do it. If the message was in the form of an e-mail, I will wait two hours for someone else to reply, and then I'll reply. Writing the setup screens for these programs always takes more time than the program process itself, mainly because it involves human interaction and I strongly believe the user interface should serve the user and not the other way around.

But wait, what happens to the first program? When I write programs, I think in visual terms, I think in terms of processes, and I keep all the details juggling in my head because if I write them down, it takes me forever. I start going into too much detail, and before you know it, I'm writing the program in my notes. So this new projects comes along, and I'll try to hold on to both processes (in my head). However, this will repeat, another project will be given to me from someone else. Or I'll get a problems from our help desk or more likely directly from the end user because I try to resolve problems as soon as possible. Then I just need one more thing to set off a melt down. A melt down generally involve me sitting in my chair in my office, trying to focus away from the urge to stab a pencil in my hand, or picking up the keyboard and smashing it in to my flat screen, or violently banging my head on my desk. I have banged my head because despite the potential brain trauma, I can always say "I stumbled and hit the wall." It is hard to hide stab wounds or broken equipment. On the plus side, I cannot be fired for breaking the equipment because it all belongs to me. If I tell people I cannot work on their problem or project, go to my supervisor who then assigns the project or problem to me. If I tell him have too much to do, he tells me everyone body has too much to do. I keep that in mind as I walk by the others talking about fantasy football.

Quick #4. I buy and build my own computers and buy my own equipment because the hospital never gets what I need or ask for. It has always been just a bit less. Also, it feels like I have to jump through hoops to get a new computer. "Sure PcGoblin. Just go talk to the computer guy." I talk to the computer guy, even though I hate asking for anything, and he says "Well sure, but was this budgeted for? You'll have to get me a non-stock for that." So I go back to my boss for a non-stock.... Forget it goblin, it's Dilbert Land. Meanwhile, I've wasted an eighth of my day running around about this computer, when I should be working on one of those programs. Sometimes things seem to fall into place. I asked for a new chair in January. "Sure, that should not be a problem. Just go talk to such'n'such." I talk to such'n'such and she is awesomely helpful! I should be getting a new chair, and comfort for my lower back, in about two weeks! I finally got the chair in May. I hate asking for stuff. It's easy to just go out an buy it, or order it from amazon or newegg.

Is there an #5? I don't recall. Maybe. Hmm. That's good enough.

I believe that is how my Asperger's conflicts with my job, or rather my job affects conflicts with my Asperger's.

They say I do magic, but it is just hyperbole. I'm a self-taught programmer who got the job because they didn't want to pay programming wages to hire a college trained programmer (I have a BFA). I was the first computer programmer hired at our hospital, and I've worked as a computer programmer for 27 years. I've seen several programmers come and go. I have never been able to find another job because I believe I am am not qualified, and I believe my skill set would be viewed as being small, and I always thought it was specialized, though I suppose it's really not. I am also comfortable with the surroundings and the people (to a degree). There is familiarity. I didn't know I had Asperger's until May of this year. My boss and one of the managers know. The manager I really enjoy working with knew before I did. My supervisor had their child tested for Asperger's (he didn't have it) and the other has a child diagnosed with an Autistic Spectrum Disorder. He himself has ASD tendencies, but he has stopped short saying he has Asperger's. I think it is obvious he does, and he is awesome. He can sometimes be blunt, but in a department of professional supervisors, managers, directors, etc. who always seem to be thinking hospital politics, again, he is just plain awesome. I told our DBA because he is interested in such things. He took the online tests and was surprised to find he was NT. I mentioned to one of the programmers that I'd taken the online tests (prior to my official diagnosis). I thought he might be interested, and he said all programmers have Asperger's, and dismissed it. Another person, who is actually a very nice guy, over heard our DBA talking to me about his test, and said, "Oh. You're talking about the anti-social test?" That did not leave me with a warm and fuzzy feeling. I don't think I'm anti-social. I like people. I just cannot actively be involved with a hoard of them at one time. This confuses people (all one or two of them) that I am close to because they observe "you do find in our department meetings." I explain that the situation is familiar, but even so, she should check my arm pit sweat after one of those meetings. They really are stressful, and if I get negative feed back I end up in a depression. For instance someone will say something and a tangent thought pops in my head and I find it really funny. I use to occasionally say it out loud, and people found it funny as well. Then eventually, the tech clique guys, wouldn't laugh or would sigh, or make a derisive remark, and that's when I stopped feeling comfortable. I've never been 100% comfortable since that period. The thing is they are nice guys. I like them, so maybe that's why it is uncomfortable. They want to be the smart and funny ones, and I cannot join groups. Let's say that's #5.

edit notes: this is way to long and detail. I need to rewrite it.

Last edited by pcgoblin on 11 Jun 2013, 12:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I have trouble dealing with ambiguity and social cues....I am trying to adapt to an environment where I don't always have clear direction from senior people on how to proceed, what to do, etc. I hold things in a lot because I know I don't dare express my frustration. Ideally I'd like a position where it was clear each day what I needed to do and how, but I'm starting to think that doesn't really exist in a lot of office jobs.

mine are social in nature.

I can laugh now, but at my last job during my final performance appraisal, my manager took it on herself to show me how to gracefully interrupt a conversation.

Also, mine are a bit technical too.

Thing is, I hate having to help other people with their work and listen to their concerns, even if I am a manager. And there are constantly things that I am meaning to do that I never get around to doing. And there are things that I enjoy doing more. So time management can be an issue.

I used to take a long time to make decisions too.

This was on a performance appraisal of mine.

"Tina took a long time to make a decision when the toddler storytime attendance sheet had not been printed. She appeared to get lost in thought and had to be told what to do. Staff were concerned about what Tina would do if there were a fire." What it does not say is that, when I appeared to be spaced out, mentally I was running through my computer files as to where I would locate the document necessary. I just did not talk with staff while I was zoning out. I guess, mentally I was withdrawing and having a mini-meltdown while looking unresponsive. I knew what to do. I just didn't say it.

Here is an answer where I won't go crazy writing it. However, it may sound crazy.

Conference calls. I have a very difficult time latching on to the disembodied voice(s) and processing what is being said. So sometimes what I do is draw little pictures of what I imagine their face looks like. The visual prop sometimes helps me concentrate on what they are saying.

Meetings in general. Again, I can sometimes have problems focusing on the words and processing what is being said. I'm considering getting a recorder. Then I can play them back and pick up what I missed.

I just started a new temporary, part-time, job this week (after having been unemployed for over one year). Before starting, I was quite anxious. After starting, I simply became more depressed.

It’s not the social stuff that is causing angst. It’s the ambiguity of the role. I sit in my cube almost paralyzed, uncertain what to do. It’s crazy. I am in a role I have “theoretical” expertise in, but I do not understand what they expect me to do. And, the direction I get is overly vague (at least for me).

So, I sit in front of the computer, pretending to do something, hoping time will pass quickly, thinking about escaping.

It’s depressing because I am running out of ideas (of what to do work wise).

What an NT would do in your circumstances is spend a lot of time at the water cooler talking to other employees to find out as much as possible about the boss, the culture, the colleagues, the expectations, etc. For an aspie this is probably the worst idea, though. At least for me...

The "live to work" attitudes present in so many Americans. Now, if one is actually doing one's passion and loving it, then that's different. But most people aren't able to follow their real passions, but have to take something else, in order to live. My philosophy on this sort of situation is do your work well and go home.

Co-workers thinking there's something wrong with you, because you don't show much emotion or socialise with them.

Former-employers mentioning the above things when speaking to your potential employer, as you put them down as a reference.

Not so specific, but how work often conflicts or forces spending less time on your special interest(s).

I'm sure there must be more things than I can think of at the moment.

It’s funny. Today, the manager asked me if I wanted to attend a meeting. It was clear that attendance was optional, not mandatory.

I had no idea what the 1pm meeting was. So, I immediately thought, “Hmmm…I wonder what the purpose of the meeting is? I wonder why I am being invited at the last minute”.

He then said, “Based upon your contemptuous look, I assume you don’t want to go”. I assured him it was not a contemptuous look (and attended the meeting).

Based upon this observation plus other comments my wife has made in the past, it appears as if my facial expressions “give off” the wrong message.

Honestly, it’s not something I think about (what my facial expression is expressing to others). But apparently, it could be damaging. I wonder if this is yet another problem Aspies face (no pun intended). LOL.

I have also experienced very similar problems. In an indirect way, I once found out that an employer described me as "expressionless." Often, people like I'm sad or depressed, which is often not the case.

Like you, Rocket, I don't think about my facial expression either.

Hello, folks. New member here, mostly signed up because the world of work has always brought me so much grief.

I moved a month or two ago, and had to go through the (expected) horror of trying to find work. I have been having a lot of trouble with the way folks perceive my facial expressions, exactly as above. The first place I tried, I was dressed down for having "attitude"- and I hadn't even said anything! Nothing really registers on my face and people must assume I'm grumpy or surly. I was unable to feign joy, or even interest, didn't last two days there, and quit.

The place I'm currently at, they're always telling me to smile. I remembered to the other day. It felt extremely weird. Meanwhile, the friends that I'm beginning to make are losing patience with me because they don't understand the need for alone-time, and assume that I'm constantly depressed, as they do with BookPerson. This is... well, depressing

I started a new job trial today: organizing hospital journals. It was overwhelming. I use to be able to organize, but this was confusing. I have never seen real hospital documents and so many for each case, so I had to tell the boss, that I can´t take it all in on first day and work independantly right away. I think, they had expected something like that. I am, a former music teacher, not a clerk.
We then aggreed that I should start by learning the IT system, so I will know, where to find the documents, what they are and where to put them, - and THEN I can start working on reorganizing journals. Wonder if I am going to learn fast enough.

If I try to force eye contact, I cry. Completely subconscious. At least one manager thought that this made me manipulative, that I was crying to get my way. When I was told that, I asked him to ignore that and made less eye contact from them on, but it still is an issue.

The noise. Just so much and while I learned to filter things out, it is hard.

I set expectations way too high of myself, but my employer knows better. Even though it's a good thing, it kinda gets me down.

Being interrupted! I stutter too, so this not only bothers me, I end up saying the first part of my sentence six times.

Customers who insist they are ALWAYS RIGHT. No, you read the promotional sign wrong, not my fault.

When the machines beep. I like the fact that the new popcorn poppers don't throw popcorn everywhere, including down my shirt. I HATE that they beep when the popcorn is popping. I can hear the popcorn, i don't need a beep as well.

Customers who sit their kids on the counter. Excuse you lady, I don't need your baby's dirty diaper on the counter. I serve FOOD there.

When my managers change the rules and say "it's always been that way." Okay, so this is animal farm now?

Workers below me who try to order me around. Listen, I'm your team leader, I'm here to help you, not be your lackey.

This. Although I have never been called manipulative, I've been told I have a 'very rude face' when I was trying to hold back from crying.
It actually sucks when trying to figure out who to ID when I sell tickets. Bleh.

Noise, everywhere. Trying to filter it out for long periods of time is insanely draining. Then there's people who put their hands or wallets over the speaker because "it's too loud" well, the feedback you created hurts my ears, but I have a volume control. Tell me and I will turn it down.

I think that's it for now.

I love my job though, in all honesty.

This is my biggest problem by far. You both have described me at work very accurately. I find it super difficult to get the training/instructions/help I need because from my supervisors' point of view, I am intelligent and capable and my work output is just fine (if not excellent). So when I ask for clarification, direction, or anything of that nature I am either given really rushed, half-arsed instructions, or am told something like "don't worry it will make sense in time" or "don't worry you are doing great". I really don't know how to get my supervisor to see that I'm really actually struggling, because the struggle is mostly going on inside my head, not out in the open where they can observe it.

I also struggle greatly with intense boredom, because there just isn't enough stimulating work to do. That might not look like an aspie problem but I believe it is related, because these under-stimulating jobs are all I seem able to get even though I am overqualified for them. The types of jobs I'd really like to get my teeth stuck into are ones that also involve a lot of tasks that I would find extremely difficult (e.g. supervisory/team leader roles, high level of interaction with clients, lots and lots of meetings, having to negotiate...that's just a few examples).

I've never been fired from a job, but I have quit many jobs due to the anxiety and depression brought on by these issues.