I have been half-heartedly been trying to find a job since I graduated from college about two years ago. I went to college without knowing what I wanted to major in or what kind of job I could ever want. I hated college all the way through, but then in the end of my senior year I barely postponed a nervous breakdown (I had it just after graduating). I was about to graduate with a degree I didn't care about, forced into the world without any idea of what I wanted to do that could help me support myself.
Since I was a kid, all I wanted to do was be a writer. But my confidence level is too low to let others criticize what I've written. I took some writing courses in college but my view of the world was so different from the other students' that I almost never got constructive criticism. I felt ostracized and even transferred schools. But the damage has been done. It's gotten to the point that I feel like I will never be good enough to be able to make a living through writing.
But I need to be able to support myself so I need to get a job. But what kind of job can I tolerate and be good at? I grew up watching adults - parents, family, family friends - complaining about their jobs. If they didn't hate college but they hate their jobs, then how could it be for me who hated school all the way through? Wouldn't a job be torture? The idea of a job terrifies me, because: If I make mistakes, there's only me to blame.
I don't know how to talk to other humans I don't know really well - small talk is, to me, pointless.
I dread the tedium of doing the same thing every day.
I will not be able to afford the lifestyle I've been used to, living with my parents aka the lifestyle that feels comfortable and semi-safe.
A hundred other reasons.
I can't find a job I feel even a little enthusiastic about. I have a very, very hard time lying, so in interviews I can't say something like: I've wanted this job ever since I was seven and I want to work for your company more than anything and I think I am the best person you could ever hire for this position.
I have to bite my tongue not to say something like this: I need a bread and butter job and I'll work hard for you (because I need to know I'm liked) even though I don't care about your company. Since I can't literally jump into a book and never come back, I need a job or else I'll have no money for retirement in fifty years. But I can't find a job, since I'm an Aspie with little job experience, so just trust this face in front of you and take a chance on me. Whaddaya say?
But, perhaps, my biggest problem? I don't have connections. I can't make connections. I don't want to put in the time and energy and fake smiles and small talk necessary to make another human interested enough in my life to help me find a job. I don't trust humans, I don't understand them, and I'm scared that they're going to yell at me or lecture me, both things I have run into numerous times in my life.
When I've looked for organizations that help people find jobs, I'm told I'm not 'autistic' or 'mentally challenged' enough to qualify for their help. Maybe I just haven't been looking at the right websites.
So how does someone like me find a job? I'll let you know if I ever find one. If anyone reading this is interested or sympathetic:
I have Aspergers, social anxiety, low self-esteem and confidence, and dysthymia (chronic, low grade depression)
But I'm also very creative, very polite, rather intelligent, and I have an unique look at problems. I'm not up to date on technology but I learn quickly and I aim to please, since I have no idea if I'm tolerated unless I do something right.
I'm looking for a job with nice co-workers and a nice boss, because those are the things that really make me shine in a work place. I'd rather eat my own feet than have yet another retail job, across the counter from a new human I have to please (a customer) every thirty seconds. But I work hard, regardless.
I'm looking for a job on the West coast of the U.S.
I'm nice. Really. Give me a chance.
21 Jan 2015, 9:29 am
