Student teaching not going very well...I want out

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I guess this is more of a vent than anything, and it's going to be long. I've really never had a clue what I want to do with my life. I did really want to work with animals, so I spent a bit of time training service dogs (I went through a 9-month training program and got an Associate's degree, and I had a 3-month long internship where I helped train a litter of puppies and also helped out a bit with the organization's prison program). That all went pretty well, and seemed to help me come out of my shell (dealing with the people rather than the dogs was the hardest aspect, but it wasn't horrible...the inmates were actually quite easy to get along with, and the clients receiving service dogs were really grateful and pretty easy to work with). However, actual iob opportunities training service dogs are rare...many businesses are non-profit and rely on volunteers, and even many of the ones that do have paid employees pay almost nothing (and are sometimes even just part-time). So, after I finished my brief internship and was not successful at finding a job, my parents really encouraged me to go back to school, especially since they had saved up a lot of money to send me to school and hadn't spent nearly all of it on my dog training education. I decided to major in Spanish, because the language and culture had actually been one of my special interests in high school and I still felt pretty passionate about it. I knew my job options with a Spanish degree would pretty much be an interpreter or a teacher (so I either had to minor in education, or pick some other minor that might help with being an interpreter). I had concerns about both...with the teaching, I'd have to go into secondary education, which scared me, because the kids would be bigger than me and some maybe even "ahead" of me socially, and I knew I wouldn't know how to deal with or manage them. With the interpreter, I knew that would require communicating face to face with people. I'm good at learning languages, but just being able to read/write/speak it is different than actually communicating. I can certainly speak English, but communicating with people is entirely different.

Anyway, my parents really encouraged me to go the education route, saying that I could probably do it, but even if I didn't want to be a high school Spanish teacher, there could still be other options. However, after I finished all my general education requirements and was about to start education courses, I knew I could just not see myself teaching high school (or even just getting through student teaching) so then I had to figure out quickly what I would do instead. So, this was when I changed my major to elementary education. Most of the credits I already took would still count towards my degree, and I figured that if I was going to teach, I'd at least be more comfortable with younger kids.

So yeah, fast forward to now, and I am actually doing my student teaching. I just feel like I knew all along that I wasn't suited for this and I jumped into it way too quickly because I just had to change my major and pick something quick. Sure, I like kids, am patient with them, and relate to some of them better than adults, but that doesn't mean I can teach them. I don't, and never did feel like I'm one of those people who was just "born to be a teacher". I feel like alarm bells were going off inside my head the whole time I went through the program, but I just pushed them aside, because my mom, and several others, told me that it was just me being negative/being too hard on myself/not having enough confidence in myself. I really didn't enjoy the courses that I went though, and I hated most of the projects, especially the lesson plans that I had to write. I've come to realize that this lesson planning requires good executive functioning skills, which I do not have. I did manage to get mostly A's and B's on all the assignments and lesson plans that I did in my classes, but I honestly feel like I didn't usually deserve the grades I got. I had to force myself to just sit and write the things, and it was so difficult. I was required to have 22 days of "field experience" in a school setting so that I could get a feel for how it actually is in the classroom. I did see how much work being a teacher, and trying to manage a classroom of 18+ kids really is, and I definitely worried about whether I could handle that. I was required to teach short lessons for two of my field experiences, and neither went very well. The first one was somewhat okay, because it was over the summer, so it was a more informal environment since it was a summer camp and not an actual classroom, and no one was observing/evaluating me. I did still almost have a panic attack before I was about to teach, just because I knew the cooperating professor was going to be watching me even if it wasn't a formal observation. The second one, where I was being evaluated, was not good. I was so panicked and had to get to the bathroom ASAP (I have a lot of gastrointestinal issues when my anxiety gets bad) that I just tried to get through the lesson as quickly as possible. I wasn't very prepared, because I had like two nights to figure out what I wanted to do, which never feels like enough time. The children weren't very engaged and some of them were not paying attention...I got a lot of points deducted for this and for not using classroom management techniques to fix this.

But, despite all this, I actually did really try to be positive. When I first started student teaching, I was enjoying it and doing pretty well. I was mostly just being an assistant to the teacher, and teaching small lessons here and there. I was starting to feel more confident and think, "hey, maybe I could actually do this." But since completely taking over the class, it's like reality hit me again. It's all so overwhelming. The planning just makes my head spin. You wouldn't believe how much there is. I feel like it's consuming my life, and sometimes I feel so sad and depressed because it feels like it's all I do. I don't have time for my boyfriend, the few friends I have in real life (who I am attached to since they are the only friends I have), and my imaginary world/friends. Since I was little, I've always had imaginary worlds and friends in my head (I've seen a lot of aspies on here say they do this). I guess it's sort of a coping mechanism, and I'm really unhappy now that I hardly even have time to indulge in it. The worst part about teaching is that I literally feel like I need to have a script whenever I'm up teaching. Nothing is coming naturally. And I just don't know how to deal with people, and that includes children, too, even if they are a bit easier to deal with than adults. I'm always afraid of some unforseen situation coming up and not knowing what to do. And adults are still always around when I'm dealing with the kids, so I'm still afraid of being judged. And so far, I haven't been good at managing the kids. It's just too much to keep track of them all and try to keep their attention. I was observed by my supervisor last Thursday, and she was concerned with my lack of classroom management skills and ability to keep the students engaged. She also thought that it was bad that I was holding a paper (basically my "script" telling me what to say) while I was teaching the lesson, because I "should" be able to teach without constantly looking down at a paper, and she felt that a lot of the management issues stemmed from that (because I am in a kindergarten class, so the kids have especially short attention spans and you have to be able to just go through the lesson quickly and not stop to look down at anything). So, I got a pretty low score, but she is going to come back this week and give me another chance. I'm just dreading her coming back because I'm afraid it will still be bad. I'm pretty much just dreading this whole upcoming week. If I can actually get through teaching this kindergarten class, I have a second assignment in 4th grade, and I still have some hope that it will go better. For one, the upper grades are departmentalized, so I'll only be teaching reading. I can just focus on one subject (and one that I'm good at), rather than having to try to prepare for so many different lessons in all content areas, which has proven to be extremely difficult for me.

But I still just feel so in the dark. Again, I often feel like it was a big mistake to go into education. I feel like one of those terrible singers that embarrassed themselves on American Idol because their family and friends told them they could sing and encouraged them to do it. Everyone told me I'd be such a good teacher, and I doubted it, but tried to believe it, and really tried to be positive and have confidence in myself, but it's still not working out so far, and for the most part, I'm not enjoying it. Maybe I could be some kind of teacher assistant and enjoy it fairly well, but I certainly don't feel like I'd ever want to actually be a kindergarten teacher (but again, maybe I will find 4th grade a bit easier to deal with and teach, but we'll see). I feel bad, because my cooperating teacher is very nice and tries to help me. I can tell though that she thinks I don't prepare enough (even though I try to...it's just that once I get up there and teach, I get so nervous, freeze up, and am just awkward and forget what to say if I don't have my little script). I also know that she's worried that if I don't get better at managing the kids, and the classroom gets too chaotic, it will be really hard on her once I leave and she takes back over her class and they'll still be all out of sorts.

And just out of curiosity, are there actually any people with AS/HFA who are teachers? If so, did you feel like this when you started out? I just don't feel like it's going to get better at this point. I'm also not officially diagnosed, but I've wondered a lot if I am on the spectrum. I talked to a psychologist (who specializes in ASD) about it and she didn't rule out ASD based on our conversation, and said that if I decide I want an evaluation, she'll do it. But we both agreed at that point (it was right before I was starting student teaching) that it was more important for me to just start seeing the therapist there to help with my anxiety before I started. I think seeing the therapist has helped, and that was partly why I was feeling so much better when I first started my student teaching. But again, I feel like things just aren't working out. I've wondered if getting an evaluation/diagnosis would be worth it and how much it would actually benefit me, but now, at least I'd have an explanation for the difficulties I'm having and I wouldn't just feel like a complete failure. I'm just scared for my future...what am I going to do career-wise if I can't teach? I'm 26 and definitely need to get my life going. I'm still just holding out hope that I could handle teaching if I at least could just teach a subject that I'm passionate about. I have been working at a restaurant while going to school (now I'm only working on Saturdays) and surprisingly, I started to really enjoy it after a few months once I got used to it. I have grown close to a few of my coworkers. I actually really look forward to going to work on Saturday, getting a break from the teaching, and returning to my "old" way of life for a little while. But I can't stay there forever, unless I try to become a manager. That still doesn't sound as intimidating as being a teacher, but I also have doubts about that too.

I'm not experienced enough to offer any advice about the teaching side, except to say that it resonated with me when you mentioned feelings of unease about whether this was the right path for you.

If you need a plan B, perhaps the following might help-
1) keep the teaching as a going concern, give it enough effort to advance, but redirect some excess capacity if you can
2) do anything you need to gain experience in animal training e.g. more volunteer or low paid work, with the goal of getting ready to advance to stage 3
3) start training as your own business - find someone who can help structure the business and help keep things on track

One reason this might help is that it could possibly work as a 'side-hustle' until it's self-sufficient.

Sure, there would be more work involved - regarding that, see my sig.

If you feel doubts now I think you should listen to them. Teaching is a very personal job that requires all kinds of interactions with kids and parents that change every year. It's not like you can get used to the ones you have. My sister is a teacher too and it showed me their day starts before the kids come and ends after. You need to want to do it. The education you already have can be used in others areas too.

Not sure if this is going to be helpful or not, but in my own career I also felt compelled to go the teacher route. I didn't have a strong desire to do this, but it made sense. Fast Forward to me completing my Masters in Education and even a year toward a PhD. Then the reality hit and I had to get a job. I took a job working in TX and it started out great, but then as the year wore on I didn't feel like it was a good fit for me. I blamed the other teachers, I blamed the students, and I blamed my lack of experience in front of a classroom. I ended up watching the "problem" kids class after class because that became what I was relegated to. I left and took another job in another state where I would be the "lead" teacher. Again, there was a series of events that I found myself in the middle of, but had no part of. I was not socially aware enough to see the political battles that were going on around me. Again, I blamed the other teachers, the students, and my own inability to see around myself. I classroom techniques were good and I do consider myself a subject matter expert, but that didn't change the fact that I was not cut out for being in a classroom like that. I then moved on to other careers that were a bit more straight-forward. I worked in retail management, then the Army. I felt those were a better fit for me.

Now, what can you take away from my lessons? That's where knowledge of yourself and your limits and abilities come into play. I learned over many years what I can or cannot do. I have only had my Aspergers sort of recognized in the last few years, so I made it for a long time without even realizing the issue. It was a bit of a challenge to get to where I am now, whatever that is. But YOU are the one that needs to know/realize what your limitations may be. I would suggest trying teaching for a year or two to see if you find that you can do it. There are a LOT of teachers out there who went into it for one reason or another, but then fell in love with it. There are also a lot of us who did it and found out that it just wasn't a great fit.

You have put the time and effort into the education for it, now see if you can do it!! !

Best of luck!! !


FF

I recommend that you complete your degree, because you have come pretty far with it. Stick out your student teaching assignment and get your credential, if you possibly can.

Why? Because it looks much better on a resume to have an accomplishment, like a degree, even if you don't continue in that field. If you are asked about it in an interview, you could truthfully say "I found out I didn't really enjoy teaching, so I'm not continuing to look for jobs in that area."

A type of job you could get with a bachelor's in anything, though one in education would be even better, is substitute teaching. Now you may ask if you don't like teaching, why would you be a sub? Well, a sub only has to commit to a limited time period (from one day, to longer), and I think the expectations are lower. My kids had a sub sometimes who was a cartoonist, and basically he didn't even try to follow a lesson plan, he just drew cartoons and gave them to the kids. It sounds shameful, but he was basically a babysitter while the regular teacher was out sick. He kept getting hired, so I guess that didn't bother the school district! Substitute teachers do not require a teaching certificate, but generally do require a college (four year) degree.

You seemed to think the only jobs you could do with Spanish are interpreter or teacher, but actually, all sorts of jobs are looking for people who are bilingual, and it could be just the skill that would get your foot in the door and give you preference over somebody else that is not bilingual.