Difficulties at work

Post Reply New Topic

Hi there I’m new to the website. I have Aspergers and wanted some advice. Feeling very lonely and isolated at work, which is making me really depressed. I moved to a new country and started a new job as a scientist in a highly acclaimed lab yet I feel so depressed and it’s all because I don’t fit in with my coworkers. For the first few weeks, I pretended to be someone I’m not by following the rules of formality. It’s got a point that I can no longer act and I’m too formal. I can’t crack jokes or join in their conversations. At the beginning, people would ask me to lunch. People have completely stopped asking me to join them now. I just go into work, barely talk to anyone and nobody talks to me at all unless I try to make some conversation.

I’m feeling really down and there is this team drinks with the boss tmrw. I feel really scared and out of place and don’t want to go. My boss hasn’t seen me enough to realise how odd I am and I feel so embarrassed that he’ll suss out what the rest of the team think of me. I don’t want to go. The last time I went to a meal with my previous boss, I made a complete hash of it n was embarrassed for several months after.

How can I refuse to go without looking rude?

Kudos for getting a good job. I'm in the same boat however nobody in my group talks to me. I would decline. Why take the chance and have it go wrong.

Thanks for the reply history gal, I didn’t go to the drinks thing but everybody is giving me evils and ignoring me even more now since last Friday. I went into and said hi to a few people, they just looked at me but didn’t reply. They all asked each other how their weekends were. I was sitting right next to them yet nobody asked me. I feel so isolated and lonely at work it’s making me depressed. It just seems to happen everywhere I go. I don’t connect to anyone. What are your experiences st work?

Get advice from wise and trusted people that you know.

Go see a therapist to help you work your way though these social puzzles. It may help to get advice from a professional, better understand what is going on via having another opinion, reframe some thoughts, and get advice on how to best approach your peers.

Your peers very well may be more used to the stereotypical quirks than other fields. Educated people seem to think that I am smarter than I am (that I know more than I do) when I tell them that I have Asperger's Syndrome. Some doctors even begin talking with doctor jargon to me. It MAY just help you to tell them.

I feel the same way, the only convo I get is "hey" "how are you" and the occasional semi-joke

A few examples
1. I worked for an amusement park and appeared to get along with everyone but I was hardly invited anywhere. However, other co-workers there would get together and do things. When I called them out about it, I got "I wanted to invite you but I asked the other people and they said no because they thought you would be too hard to handle."

-The amusement park had dorms the one summer I worked there and I made friends with people outside of work who were in other departments. One of them invited me to a gay bar one time because he appreciated my dancing.

2. In another environment, which had employment supports and a CEO that had an adult autistic son, I was left out of a lot of lunches by her unless it was a company function. I also was expected to attend special employee events like housewarming parties and weddings along with buying them a gift. When it came to me having a housewarming party, they refused to make any effort and therefore none of them came or got me any gifts. When it came to others who I worked with, that CEO made an effort to attend and buy them nice gifts but she got none for me.
They were a very destructive group where I was the object of gossip and bullying.

-When I called the CEO out for leaving me out of lunch, she made excuses for their behavior
"Well, you always leave at noon so that's why I never invite you." I knew that was a lie because I used to work there in the afternoons and never got invited
When it came to inviting her to my housewarming party and other things it was "I don't like to drive to places that are far away."

She ended up finding out a year and a half later that I was hurt because she refused to attend my housewarming party and accused me of "Gossiping" about her and her family. It was "Why didn't you come to me?" Well, because she was one of those people where you were always walking on eggshells around her. You could not confront her about anything without turning around and be getting very explosive by blaming the victim and making excuses for her behavior.

"Plan" to go to the event, but then develop a migraine and let someone know you can't make it. Although some people with autism object to lying, this is exactly the kind of social lie that the NT world thrives upon.

I have to emphasize though, everyone needs friends. If the only people at work are NT and aloof, at least develop your own friend circle outside of work. This online support site will try to help, but there is no excuse for developing your own real connections in the real world. If you have one or more at work, even better.

Anyone could label anything they do not like as "rude"

I don't have any advice but feel something similar, so you're not on your own.
I work in quite a big team and at work I make as much effort as I possibly can to join in and be talkative and friendly. This falls far short of expectation but it's as much as I can do and it's enough that people do talk to me and are friendly enough on shift. There is zero chance I can cope with any socialising outside of work, or even to join in with internal things like surprise leaving lunchtime party or something. It's incredibly draining, but I'm glad I push myself to talk and join conversations to some degree because it makes the work environment easier. I've been told a lot of times in the past that people think I'm stuck up etc because I don't talk or socialise, it doesn't even cross their minds that I might actually like them and I'm just rubbish at it.