Aspie meltdown at work - Disciplinary measures instigated.

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I'm in a bit of trouble. Unfortunately, this is going to be a bit long, but I'll try and keep it as short as possible, ok?

My history:

Bullied at primary school, secondary school, 6th form college and university. Had 2 stalkers, one in real life for 9 months, one online for 3. Extremely difficult relationship with sister and mother. Continuous issues recognising what was real and what wasn't. Developed Depression at 12. Repeated suicide attempts at 13, continued on average of 1 a year until I was 26, when I had my final one, which was the most traumatic. For the next 11 years I was out of work, although I was applying for 6 of those years. Was diagnosed as an Aspie in Feb 11. Finally got a job in January 12. I was completely honest with the workplace about my AS.

Work:

I was employed to answer the phones in out of hours social services. Nice colleagues, acceptable workload, interesting job. Manager was a bit chaotic, but nothing too awful, especially since she works days, not nights like me. I had just received the highest level of probationary report from my manager, which was absolutely glowing towards me and my work.

The meltdown:

I came into work at 4pm. It was my 11th day on shift in a row (7 hour shifts). My manager was there and said she was going to stay for several hours. She said the new phone system was going live tonight. No one had warned me of this. She then put me in our office with a trainer at 4:30pm. No one had warned me there would be training with a stranger. The trainer was very loud, blousey and invasive of my personal space. My manager kept dashing in and out of my office, a bit like a child who has had too much sugar. She was extremely stressed and excited by the new system. I absorb emotions which surround me. The moment 5pm hit, the phone rang and my manager exhorted me to pick it up, yelling from the other room. I picked up the phone. The trainer kept talking to me, whilst I was trying to understand the man with a very thick accent on the other end. He wished to give me some information about a client, however, due to my manager fluttering around and the trainer sitting next to me, I was unable to reach anything to write on. I had to try and remember it. Unfortunately, the client involved had a very complex name, so I had to keep asking the caller to repeat it. He became irritated at my inability to remember. The client was also not on the system, so I had to create him from scratch before I could write on the system. During this, my manager and the trainer were both talking, as well as the phone going off and other colleagues talking.
I ended the call, at which point the trainer began talking to me. I became irritated and snapped sarcastically at her (Yes, well, I have to do THIS now!). She left the room in a huff. I was almost hysterical by this point, and began severely stimming, rocking, clenching my hands and including saying "stopitstopitstopitstopitstopit..." to myself in a mantra to try and regain control. My manager came in and snapped at me, asking if I was saying that to her. I dragged the last bit of control I had and said quietly and politely "No, I'm saying it to ME". She stomped out. I went into full meltdown, crying hysterically, stimming uncontrollably and unable to function. However, I knew I would be told off if I let my work slip, so I kept trying to finish the report on the call I had just taken, however I seemed to have lost the ability to read the drop down menus or understand how to work the system. Another colleague came in and helped me.
The trainer returned after 20 minutes or so and I immediately apologised to her, explaining that I am autistic and I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. I didn't want to go into details, since my mental health is really none of her business. She was huffy, but seemed to accept it, and the training continued. When the trainer left, my manager came in and I immediately apologised to her. She accepted my apology and left.
A couple of hours later, I felt the full force of the meltdown as the secondary reaction hit me. It was unpleasant, but I was still capable of doing my job. I emailed my line manager and asked if we could talk about it in supervision. She arranged it for Monday. I then worked 2 further days, had 1 day off, then returned to work for a further 4 days. My Monday supervision was cancelled by my manager, who said she wanted to handle the situation herself.
On Tuesday, I came in early for a meeting which involved a lot of loud talking, emotion and on occasion, shouting. Directly afterwards, my manager asked to speak to me in her office. I asked if I might have an advocate with me, and she said no. She then brought my line manager into the room and the pair faced off against me. My manager accused me of swearing at her and the trainer repeatedly. I said I did not. She said I did. I explained that I have difficulty lying and if I had done wrong, I would admit it. She said she would be skipping the verbal warning stage and move straight to the written, and if I did not admit to swearing, then we would move to the 3rd level, an investigation. I was puzzled why she had not asked me for my side of the story, and reiterated that I had not sworn. She then stormed out and phoned HR, starting proceedings. I burst into tears. My line manager was comforting, and said I didn't have to come into work that night (I was told to record my reasons for being off sick a few days later on an official form).
I received a letter from my line manager this Saturday accusing me of "repeatedly swearing" at an external agency, which was CCed to HR, my manager, my manager's manager and the investigating officer.

Coincidentally, all this happened during "Autism Week", a week of Autism friendly events and talks promoted by my manager's manager.

Now, here's my questions:

1. Am I suffering workplace bullying?
2. Who do I bring to the investigation meeting? The policies say I can bring a union rep (don't have one) or a work colleague (what possible use...?!). I believe I need an AS advocate, my main carer (my mum/my fiancé) or an employment solicitor (my sister), because I'm getting railroaded here.
3. I have AS - surely that means I ought to have an advocate for my disability during something like this?! I don't have the skills to cope with it!
4. It's been made clear to me that my manager is bombproof. She plays office politics extremely well and as a result has friends in extremely high places. Do I have any chance of winning?
5. Should I quit when I am found guilty? I couldn't live with an unjust stain on my permanent record.
6. I believe I am being discriminated against (the way my manager treats me is the equivalent of telling a paraplegic to get up and walk). Should I make a big noise about this?

This is utterly ridiculous .

You say that your sister is an employment solicitor. As you're not a union member, and even if you were, I recommend that you get your sister formally involved as soon as possible. It might be worth your while joining the union, but they won't usually assist at interviews etc until you've been a member a certain period.

They have behaved unreasonably in terms of the lack of notice of a new system, the training etc and possibly unlawfully, in respect of the meeting when you were denied an advocate, given no prior written information and were pressured to admit to something you deny, ie, swearing.

With the right support and with experienced and knowledgeable people on your side, I'd think you have a very strong case.

I'm wondering: do you know what swear words the manager thinks (or at least claims) you said, and when? I'm trying to find out if it's a misunderstanding, or you didn't realize the word(s) were swear words, or the manager is just throwing this charge at you to try to "justifiably" fire you.

1. Am I suffering workplace bullying?

I don't think so. I think there's more to the story that you may know, but I don't think it quite raises to the level of bullying. They aren't personally attacking you, they are attacking your work performance.

2. Who do I bring to the investigation meeting? The policies say I can bring a union rep (don't have one) or a work colleague (what possible use...?!). I believe I need an AS advocate, my main carer (my mum/my fiancé) or an employment solicitor (my sister), because I'm getting railroaded here.

If your in a union, you should contact the union and get information on how to get a rep. The union should have a phone number you can call to get help. Was anyone around when this happened, maybe someone witnessed it or overheard some of it.

3. I have AS - surely that means I ought to have an advocate for my disability during something like this?! I don't have the skills to cope with it!

I would talk to the union about this. I'd guess you'd have to find one and see if the union could bring him/her.

4. It's been made clear to me that my manager is bombproof. She plays office politics extremely well and as a result has friends in extremely high places. Do I have any chance of winning?

How do you define winning? I'd say keeping your job is a win.

5. Should I quit when I am found guilty? I couldn't live with an unjust stain on my permanent record.

No that's silly.

6. I believe I am being discriminated against (the way my manager treats me is the equivalent of telling a paraplegic to get up and walk). Should I make a big noise about this?

Hard to say. Have you talked to HR about your disability?

I think you are being bullied and the manager wants you out. You need someone at the meeting with you to be a witness, someone you trust. Your sister would be a great candidate but only as your sister, not as a legal representative.

The way you describe it sounds horrific and they are in the wrong.

I think he needs someone who is familiar with the office and internal policies. Also someone who will be calm and collected. A family member could be a danger if they go off half cocked.

It is important to ask to see the evidence against you. What did she think you said?

It's unlikely if your manager wanted you out she would have given you a great report. I'm thinking she just really trusts the person who was the trainer.

**** True. My fiance phoned Unison on my behalf and was told that they could not represent me, although they could give me advice. The problem is, I'm quite naive in a lot of ways and can't really see past the dishonesty of this event, so I'm not sure I could process their advice in an effective way. My sister is champing at the bit to get involved, but I'm wary of involving her - I don't want to come on too strongly, since the manager in question would see that as a challenge to her authority.



**** Thank you - that is encouraging!



**** Apologies in advance. My manager accuses me of telling the trainer to "F*** off" and of sitting there rocking, clenching my hands and saying "F*** offF*** offF*** offF*** offF*** offF*** off..." to herself. Out of curiosity, I've tried doing that, and it's nigh on impossible to turn "F*** off" into a linear mantra. Also, there's the fact that that's not what I said, but it's my word against hers, *Sigh*. Is she trying to fire me...? I can't see how it would be to her benefit. She's continually touted me to her boss as the best operator in the office, the reports of my work have been glowing and the clients/professionals who phone in apparently think I'm great - this is all heresay, incidentally, told to me by my manager at various times. Plus, if she fires me, she'll only have to employ and train someone else to do the unsocial hours, unsocial wage and cope with being abused on the phone . Personally, I think it's a mixture of her lack of confidence in her ability to do her job, stress at wanting the new systems to work perfectly, embarrassment at my inexplicable rudeness towards an outside person and fear that the trainer may not honour her contract because of my "conduct". There may also be a resentment about the fact that my mum was a much praised manager before her and she feels threatened by mum's casual comfort in the office (she comes in sometimes to do sessional work if someone is off). Just my opinion, mind.



**** Which is the weird thing - my work reports really have been 99% perfect (I'm late sometimes, but I always make up the time).



**** I'm not in the union, unfortunately. And even more unfortunately, the phonecall wasn't recorded, it was in a room away from everyone else and no one else saw it. The only thing in my favour is that directly after the incident, my manager asked a colleague to step in and see if I was alright - so she had some sense that something was wrong at that time. It's only later that she seems to have discounted this. And the colleague who came to see me can corroborate my distress.



**** I'll talk with them tomorrow and see what they say.



**** It would be nice. But surely my job shouldn't be in jeopardy,since I maintain I didn't have a random swearing incident at a complete stranger!



**** I have honour issues .



**** Hmm. Interesting tactic. They've assessed me with occupational health, but that's it. I'm not sure I'm allowed to contact them now.



**** My mum has been my main carer for 38 years and understands most of my quirks. She also created the team in question and worked there for 40 years, as well as managing it at one point. She now does sessional work for them. However, like I said, she is also resented by the manager in question, which is a difficulty. My fiance would do it and also understands my AS, but is far more likely to lose his temper and get litigious! My sister is a solicitor, but can be extremely off-putting, plus she doesn't have any patience with the AS. Work colleagues are well aware of the manager in question and don't want to be in her radar - I can't see them helping. The silly thing is, she barely knows the trainer.



**** Thanks . It's truly, truly awful and I wish it wasn't happening.

It sounds like you have a manager who isn't particularly good at dealing with conflict. Hopefully, your HR department will be able to straighten this out.

In my mind, the issue of swearing or not swearing is not entirely relevant. You had a meltdown, and made a scene - when that happens, disciplinary action has to take place. On top of that, your meltdown affected a customer, which is a bigger problem. You're not being bullied, your manager just doesn't know how to deal with the situation.

Very likely, the HR rep will find the issue of swearing a moot point, and deal with the larger issue - you caused a scene which impacted the productivity of yourself and others, and harmed the customer experience. Given that your performance record up until this point has been unblemished - you'll likely have a written warning, and go back to work.

**** I hope so - I like this job and I'm good at it!

I hope it worked out ok.

sliqua-jcooter is fairly correct

explain that you've thought about it and basically point out that you recognize what the line manager's concern is or whatever else, this is not a controversial point really so it's all good

then point out that the swearing bit is either a memory error which is common amongst neurotypicals and can happen amongst people on the autistic spectrum but that autistics can have very good memories of events, that isn't quite photographic but is not nearly as prone to mistakes

explain that you can see how the person might interpret your personal "calming and focusing mantra" "stopitstopitstopit" in avoiding meltdowns in that manner, and explain that the person had originally asked if you were talking to them, and that this could be a case of substitution emotional impact for factual events

and then quickly point out that you've learned that some people do that, and that you should be more careful about it

this addresses both the infirmity of the neurotypical memory and the autistic's proclivity towards things that might offend others, this clears the wrinkles out reasonably well usually

remember the game "telephone"? I've noticed neurotypical memory to be really like that

I was going to say it could be a lie, but given what you've recalled, I'd say in context it sounds more like the neurotypical interpretation of you're snapping at your colleague, combined with a militant mindset from the individual given someone just complained about you


furthermore, instead of sarcastically quipping, just calmly explain that they are overloading you with information and that you can't think straight with that happening

then establish with the person on the other end that "you're still a *little* (emphasis) new" - this gives no information about your place of work, is technically true (you're a *little* new to the client or something)

and then take control of the situation by prompting information from the various people as you can handle it

that's how I handled stuff, I kept having to do it but I somehow managed to stay kinda on top of things in customer service, although I did drink lots of caffeine

oh and you could even drag things out by saying stuff like "okay I have to create a new account for you from scratch since it's not on the registry, one moment please" "okay halfway done" "almost done" and so on

a calm matter of fact voice is key in situations like that, but I do understand the feeling, I snapped at someone for pressing me over something once before too

This incident is highly disturbing. I think most of the other posters have given you very good advice, which I think you should follow. Remember that you are in the right here and don't forget what you said- you have honor.

I'm in the US, and so I don't know how disability laws and privacy laws differ there, but I wanted to mention that after you take care of this problem you need to institute some measures going forward so that this kind of thing doesn't happen to you again.

-I would have detailed documentation from a psychiatric or other medical professional explaining your autism and what accommodations you should legally have.
-If this is legal in your country/region, I would carry a personal recorder so that if something in the "bullying" arena starts to happen you can push record and have it documented exactly what YOU have said and what THEY have said. Here it's legal if at least one of the people talking know that they are being recorded.
-I would maybe have an action plan for meltdowns. Like if you begin stimming, just get up and walk outside or to the bathroom. If it's a stranger, you can say "excuse me I don't feel well" and you don't have to explain that it's stimming, etc. Just get yourself out of there before people have the chance to make you feel worse.

Again, this really bothers me. I'm a former manager and the way your manager dealt with this is 100% wrong. Obviously the manager had an emotional problem with you/the situation and is taking it out on you rather than treating you fairly or even following standard procedure.

Please let us have an update when you are able. I am just spitting mad that employers would put you into a combative situation and deny you an advocate. (If I lived near you, I would go as your friend or assistant or whatever label you liked.) Basically, I think someone should be with you as a "translator." I apologize if the term offends. I do not mean it to do so. I am N/T with Aspie traits, but I am married to an Aspie and the mother of an Aspie. I find I can "translate" Aspie into N/T in ways N/Ts understand (usually). I do have a more difficult time translating N/T into Aspie. ("Why didn't the N/T just SAY that then?")

I hope your sister was able to attend and defend your position.

It sure sounds personal to me- it has very little to do with work, and much more to do with the fact you insulted your boss (unintentionally, but it happened all the same.) You snapped at the irritating trainer who wouldn't stop talking over your client (instead of asking for quiet while you're on the phone - even a "please wait" hand gesture...) and snapped at your boss (instead of explaining that you're nearly at your breaking point from the stress.)

Now the boss is feeling personally insulted from having lost face in front of a trainer and she's likely "getting her power back" by escalating a BS claim in order to slap you much harder than allowed. Bypassing verbal warning, skipping the written warning unless you agree to admit to a BS claim?? Going straight to HR to start an "investigation"?? That's bullying there - but my experience tells me this is VERY hard to beat. HR protects management, not grunts.

If nothing else, good luck... I hope she calms down and backs off.

They are REQUIRED BY LAW to allow you to have an advocate in the us. It is COMPLETELY unacceptable for them to tell you no, and I would bring up the ADA if I were you, and call up the ACLU if you have to (they go gaga over this kind of stuff). They violated the law by not allowing you to have an advocate and you can sue if they continue to violate your rights.

Get yourself to Citizens Advice - they should have allowed someone in with you, they shouldn't have skipped steps in the disciplinary procedure, and although I don't think you're being bullied you are potentially being discriminated against. Don't go straight for the attack as that may make the situation worse if this is a power trip on your bosses part, but certainly defend yourself.