Co-worker grabbed me, I had a panic attack

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I had a really bad panic attack at work today. I was walking up the stairs and a co-worker coming up behind me grabbed me by both shoulders. (I'm not sure, but I think he did it to catch his balance at first, then he sort of steered me along.) I freaked out, ran back down the stairs, and hyperventilated in the hallway for 10 minutes, then cried in the bathroom for a while longer. Ultimately I had to go home "sick" a couple hours later.

This was a co-worker I barely know, and I'm really shy and bad at confrontation. Was he crossing a line with what he did, or is this solely my problem? I absolutely hate people touching my shoulders or back. It's happened a few times at work recently, always different people. I was able to handle it the other times, but today I was already having a bad day and so I fell apart. Any advice on what to do?

You have been assaulted. A woman being grabbed from behind on a stairwell with no one else around is a victim of assault

Go to Human Resources ASAP and report this crime. If you don't, the next time he will try to grab something more than just your shoulders.

Fnord, I don't think that's the issue.... There were other people at the top of the stairs, and I'm pretty sure the co-worker involved is gay. I nearly fell down the stairs, of course, when I was running away. But my main worry is that I doubt anyone at work would take this seriously.

If you don't report this, he will do it again, and someone will get hurt.

Your Human Resource Department is required by law to take your complaint seriously.

Stop making up excuses and do it - if not for yourself, then for his next victim.

Do you have any experience with reporting things on this level to HR departments? My supervisor saw my reaction, and all she said was "He didn't mean anything by it."

I don't think I understand why your reaction to this is so much stronger than mine. Do you really think any NTs in a position of authority would take this seriously?

Hi. The guy probably didn't mean anything by it at all. However, you had to deal with the fallout. My guess is that both happened in a relatively public manner, nobody else who is aware of the incident will do it again.

I had something like this happen to me in the distant past, and I had nightmares for weeks. You just have to get control of the fear and then move on. (Easy to say, hard to do.)

I would NOT report this to HR, as if it was done publicly it's assuredly not an attack. Just an idiot who went over the line.

By any chance has he apologized?

Fnord - where do you get the idea that the OP was assaulted?

From what I've read a co-worker grabbed their shoulders - there is no hint at assault, no reason then to get someone fired - it sounds to me like this person grabbed the OP to balance themselves, then maybe leading to prolonged touch as they didn't realise that OP didn't like touch.

If I were OP I'd probably forget it, but if OP thinks touch was prolonged and is particularly touch-sensitive then have a quiet word with this person just to let them know - keep it casual, just say that you're uncomfortable with touch so to be more careful next time. No reason to progress it to the point of making a formal complaint with HR at this point, it was a one-off accident from the sound of things or didn't realise what they were doing was uncomfortable for you, in which case you only report it to HR if it continues after talking to them.

It sounds innocent. I wouldnt report it, but tell him how you feel and if he does it again report it. (but dont tell him you're going to report it... otherwise he may backstab you... not him necessarily).

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. I think I'll try to talk about it privately with the office manager tomorrow--it wouldn't be a formal complaint, but maybe she'll have advice for what to do when it happens again.

I don't think the guy knew that I had that reaction, since I bolted. I don't interact with him very often, but I know something like this will happen again sooner or later, probably involving a different co-worker. This is the 4th panic attack incident in about 8 months, and I'm worried that eventually they'll try to punish me for it somehow, officially or unofficially.

I think we need more information on this before I would even say anything. Was he falling? Did he trip? Where your shoulders the first thing he could grab to avoid hurting himself?

It's very possible that it was a completely innocent situation.

I DEF don't see anything about an assault.

Personally I would not go to your manager because this could happen.

1. She will think you're a weirdo who needs to get over something that she assumes is innocent. (you mention this already). And she will think you're a liability to the productivity of the job, and cannot function well. ***this is most likely***

OR

2. IF the guy is indeed innocent, you're going to give him a bad stigma to him from your manager. And it seems it's most likely is an innocent accident.

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The manager will most likely you assure it was innocent, but she'll go to him in private and tell him that a co-worker "complain" to her about him, and he should not do something similar again.

Just overall bad vibes.

A little more detail... was this guy actually forcing you to do something, or put hands on shoulders in some sort of friendly conversation? Do you remember what words he said or were you in a full-blown panic and miss all those details?

The fact there were other people right nearby leads me to think this was something 99% innocent but he accidentally triggered your phobias. You could certainly start by talking to him and find out what his intent was and explain your reaction to it.

...most people prefer the cowardly approach of crying to management to let THEM "take care of it"... meaning one or both of you will be squeezed out of the job for not playing nice. You mention three other big panic episodes... are they documented? Running to management about another will likely be to your detriment... someone who can't work easily with others is a liability to them.


This doesn't sound like a horrible assault from a lecherous monster the world needs protection from, as Fnord suggests... but try talking to him.

If he grabbed you to catch his balance then he probably kept his hands on there for a minute to playfully "steer" you to make it seem like he was playing around and didn't really almost fall. Out of embarrassment at almost falling.

Or, he could have just been in a good mood and does that sort of things with friends or casual acquaintances and it's accepted without a problem and he didn't know you would be upset over it.

I think it's probably a combination of both.

I've been grabbed at work in an unplayful manner with real sexual intentions years and years ago. I was doing sheet metal helper work and everybody had been very nice and polite and treated me like a lady. Except this one old man who was the foreman. I had been helping him in the basement with something or other and then he grabbed me around the waist, pulled me to him and said "Why don't me and you go take a walk?" I was 20 at the time. I said "You lost two fingers at work a long time ago and if you don't get your hands off me you about to lose something a whole lot worse!". This leads me to believe that sexual harassment is pretty obvious and not really a gay coworker putting his hands on your shoulders while walking down the stairs.


ETA; Just realized I didn't give any advice. I'd say to tell him something like this. Phrase it where the blame is on you, but in a lighthearted manner. "Sorry if I jumped out of my skin the other day on the stairs. I'm real jumpy and real shy. I didn't mean anything personal. Just let me know next time ok?" and smile. He will most likely apologize and because you told him you are jumpy and shy (best explination to NT's that means you don't want to be touched) there won't be a next time. This will also keep him from thinking you are strange if he noticed anything. It's not confrontational to say this, it's nice.

Unwanted physical contact is assault.

Welcome to the 21st century.

If I were another co-worker, I would already be talking to the HR director.

To me it sounds innocent or accidental (at first but not the whole time). I can understand how you feel though. I don't like being touched.

Here is another way to look at it. If a male posted here saying that they were the one that did that I think the advice would pretty much 100% be "hands off, don't touch your coworkers (especially female ones) for any reason unless you want a sexual harassment lawsuit" no matter how innocent it was meant to be.

By that logic, anyone who bumps into someone can be charged with assault, no matter how accidental. Or touches someone on the shoulder to get their attention.

Reminds me of the King of the Hill, "No Love, No Violence"

There has to be an intent to cause harm. The guy had no way of knowing you would have a panic attack.

I would honestly let it go. It seems 99.9% innocent, accidental and a misunderstanding. If he does it again though, I would speak up, but just to him first.

We have a staff member who is very friendly and he likes to give a pat on the shoulder for doing a good job. Nothing harmful, nothing with malice. One student does have AS and doesn't like being touched. She said something, he apologized and never did it again. He didn't know it was bothering her.

Filing a complaint over something so trivial and accidental is a waste of HR's time and in a way, demeaning to the people who may have a legit issue.