I have work soon and I don't know if I can do it.

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It sounds as though you are working miracles already. You are very talented.

Yep. Mountain Goat is very talented.

He and Dear One would get along.

Thanks. I think experienced maybe the word? Maybe I am tallented, but skills can be learned if one has the patience and willingness to do so.
Dear One? I have seen that name somewhere in here...

I meant in the sense of being able to use your skills......not “natural” talent....though you have that, too.

Goo Job MG
I hope things continue to go well there

Thanks. A few weeks ago I wouldn't have been able to do it! I kept having shutdowns and mental blockages when my efforts turned to bikes.
A friend came up. God uses him to pray for people, and something the Lord told him struck a chord. A past event which happened the last time I was working there was the cause. He said it was the cause even before I could think of the event, and I know it was the Lord because after I prayed about it I had release from it and I was able to function and work on bikes again.



Thanks.

Asking for prayer can be hard. I understand he houghts of the ex girlfriend now. In the past I was praying the symptoms would leave which I assumed were allergy related. They would leave and then come back. This puzzled me. Why do they keep coming back? Because it wasn't an allergy I was dealing with.
Here is the dilemma I have. What part of the traits of asperges I know I have are the ones which God intended me to have and what parts do I need prayer for to find relief from the negative symptoms? I know that God can heal anything... But I don't want to be changed if it alters Gods plan, and I don't want the "Me" part of me changed if that makes sense? I want to know. Was I functioning well in society because I was masking well?
Yesterday I was walking along the country road near where I currently live, and I was in awe of the flowers and plants which are so beautiful along here. I was sniffing the flowers... And I was admiring the beauty of them. I was being myself. But the people in the passing cars and vehicles may not understand. They were giving me funny looks. (Or I felt like they were). An ambulance (The ones just to transport passengers to and fro. Not an emergency ambulence) passed, and after I stood there waiting for it to pass, I crossed the road at a 90 degree angle and went straight to sniff a flower in the hedge. I could see the ambulance driver had seen this as he was not exactly looking at where he was going... Now as I let myself grow a beard as these days clean shaving just isn't important to me, and besides, all my razors are no longer sharp. Well. In a way I look like some sort of hippy! This is good as people think "He must be on something" and this gives me an excuse to unmask..
People I know have said to me (When I have been in group situations) that they thought I was drunk and are alarmed to hear I am sober! I am not quite sure what they mean by this. They say it jokingly though. They don't intend to say it to harm. The problem is that I get is when I mask and am thinking that I will be found out, I concentrate soo much on masking, where every thought goes into trying not to make any mistakes, that I end up messing it all up and it would be far less noticeable if I just went ahead and did my own thing, and sniffed those flowers after all!
Masking, for me is such a lifelong thing that it is only when I know I am unusually behaving that I know the mask has come off? A thought has come to me though. Does everyone mask to fit in? Is it the same for everyone that they mask when they are with people, but when they are not, they are themselves? But they do it so automatically and flawlessly that they don't even know they are doing it? It is a good question to ask, as what if we all unmasked on the planet? Haha. I've just had a thought... The one group of 15 ducklings.. About a week ago or more when they were about four or five days old, my brother let them out of the cage and they all ran at top speed in any random direction around the conservatory floor in their own straight lines. They were bumping into each other or things like the legs of the table... It was as if they were all fully wound clockwork ducks all set off at the same time! The funny thought I had is, that if everyone went around being unmasked, that it would be something along those lines? HAHA!
Maybe NT's need to automask after all! (If they do mask? Do they mask?)

Your model trains show your talent. Your posts show exceptional kindness and compassion. You obviously have exceptional technical skills.
I also am enraptured when I see flowers and I walk around smelling them and just smiling at the trees and greenery. I don't care what people think. I don't need material things or status to make me happy. I think you are wonderful be it aspie or whatever your diagnosis determines. Faith is a wonderful thing and you already know that I have the same faith in a Higher Power. I hope you continue to be yourself, it has never worked for me pretending that I am something other than myself. What a dark world it would be if we were considered nuts for enjoying smelling the flowers.
Btw. isn't it great to feel high without being "on" anything? I am the same as you. I look "high" all the time and never touch drugs. Certain scents and sights just bring me joy.

Thank you Teach51.

Hello!

Never Doubt Yourself!! !

Thanks George D.

That is a familiar song and dance. In my case, the Autism eventually always wins. I have had 25 employers, in the role of 35 different positions all in attempts to hide my weakness. Also 7 "under the table" jobs makes for 42 failures. I didn't know I had job related ptsd until the therapist explained it all. I get physically ill at the thought of returning to an industry I unglamourously exited from (boot or complete shutdown) and have full blown anxiety attacks with severe respiratory alkolosis if I am forced to enter a former work premises.

Ooh. I have not been through that many jobs. I do recognize rhe pattern. Unless it is a temporary job, which suits me better for now, as I find that knowing the job is only for a month or two means I can put all my effort in knowing that I will have access to a long rest afterwards, as for me things accumilate slowly over time where I find that when things get too much I need to either have a good rest as in a holiday, or I quit to achieve the same effect. The railway job I once had did used to allow for short shifts to prevent onws body from etting over tired when shifts changed, and plenty of holidays as what we used to do was work over the amount of hours, but then we had a week off every 6 to 8 weeks with pay to even out the hours. This week off was beneficial for me and kept me recharged. Then a new company took over, did away with all the short recovery shifts, and lengthened the normal shifts to the max they were allowed to get away with... (There are rules that one is not allowed to work over 12 hours in a row and there has to be 12 hours between one shift and the next, and one can work 13 days in a row but the 14th has to be off... Don't forget. One needs this as the shift patterns are ever changing through the 24 hour clock so it is rare to have a start time the same for more then two days in a week)... so we ended up with many 11 and 11and a half hour shifts which the old company maxed out at 10 and a half,... But to compensate for this the rest weeks were more frequent.
However, as the new company was running on less staff to increase profits, when we reached these rest days we were badgered into working them, so I wasn't able to recover from the shifts. We could say no, but no meant a few phonecalls per day so one eventually gave in, especially when one was already haveing to deal with the effects of needing a break where one was the most vunerable.
The new company also brought in with the union consent, a new sickness policy that if you had more then 3 illnesses a year you were out. I found in the state I was in I was going in for seemingly every passing virus and sickness there was as dealing with the public daily meant one was always in contact with them. I had one brief few days of sickness, then I went down again (I did have several sicknesses but luckily these took place during my annual leave or on rest weeks) and when I was off work, from the early hours in the morning to late at night several times a day I was being phoned to see if I was ready to come back to work. I eventually gave in after two or three days of this as I could not get any sleep while in bed, so I agreed to come back to work. The trains manager saw the state I was in and sent me straight back home. Because I had come to work and was sent home it was classed as two seperate sicknesses, so I had to go from the summer to next april with no sickness to keep my job. I decided to quit work that september, as the way I felt... There was no way I would have made it to april. I was so run down and worn out. Lack of sleep was also taking its toll where I was so wound up after the days shift I could not sleep (As my mind was alive and very awae going through a summery of the says events and mentally preparing for the next day in work), and when I could sleep meant I was going between 4 and 6 hours of sleep between shifts. I had become so used to this, that when I left work and had no job to recover, it took e six whole months to be able to sleep for more then 6 hours in a row without waking up, and it took me around two and a half years before I was right.
Once I had a horrible shift the next day (We thought the shift was not a nice one as it was a late shift where we would catch all the drunks coming home twice from two seperate railway services as well as catching the busy commute home at the start of the shift with an all stop train all the way up to the big city, and the way back was a tail end of a commute home up a certain ranch line which was well known for trouble though ironcally I rarely had any trouble, as the troublemakers didn't know how to take me and assumed I was a tough guy for some reason... ) and I remember the next day came and I drove to work which I needed to leave an hour before worked the whole shift. Every stop on a crowded train on the way up which was 17 stops on a busy main line, then go back on another service every stop to a certain point where we then took the branch line to the rough area (Rough as in people... as the last few stops were in an area where it was well known to have trouble... for example, we once saw a toddler about a year and a half old crawl across the railway crossing in front of the train and thought nothing of it as it was how they lived up there... I once had a family with a pram with a baby and a kid and they asked for two child fares... I was about to question them (Under 5's go free) when the oldest parent was 15, and those two were their children!... Another occasion this tough guy starts to give me a hard time and his misses turns to him and beats him up and he was genuinely petrified of her... It was how it was up there... But the scenery... Oh, those hills were spectacular!) Anyway. I worked the line, and the last train back at night from the big city was also a difficult one as I had to quickly work through after taking over a train through many drunks or tired passengers, to collect tickets and also find out where everyone was going were many tried to hide in toilets etc, but that train was a drop off only on most stations for half of the way so if no one wanted to leave we would go straight through. Drop off only due to past troubles....
And I drove home exhausted after the shift... And then I woke up! It had all been a dream and I had the whole shift to do all over again including the commute to and from work! I was absolutley exhausted by the time I got home that night! Was like doing a 20+ hour shift!

Somehow, and to this day I don't know how, as it is a record for me as jobs rarely last more then two years before I quit, I stuck out the railway job for 9 years. I don't know how I did it for so long. For me, this was the only job I ever worked for over 2 and a half years with (My previous record).