Accusations of an "attitude problem"??

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For awhile, I was being counseled because of my lack of "team spirit" along with what was left of the unpopular group. In reality, it was because we didn't hang out with our supervisors and sociable counterparts as they compared ringtones (an all afternoon event). It was also a well known secret that they were drinking together on weekends. When we attempted to hang out at work, they usually gave us a petty task to keep us out of their hair.

That was the low skilled medical field, the job we did could've been done by anyone, the work was in bulk, so most anyone didn't want to do it. Most of the complaints here seem to focus on the customer service side of the house, if your job function is something that your boss knows how to do and something that took less than a week of training, they can treat you however they like, especially if there are applicants waiting to fill your position.

Also, quality control doesn't always take priority over money or simply convenience. Col Boyd, the man who brought us the F16, spent as much time outwitting the pentagon bureaucrats and military contractors as he did on conceptualizing a cheaper and more effective fighter jet. Notice how we was Colonel Boyd and not General Boyd?

For my part, I've never had much problem in dealing with customers/clients or the general public. Though I find social situations to be generally stressful, I've always had the ability to "make nice" to someone for at least the brief few moments of interaction, no matter what I really think of that person. I have enough self-control that "acting out" or "showing my ass" in front of customers has never been a problem. Also I have enough areas of interest & knowledge that I can make casual conversation & a good first impression with just about anyone.

The problems always have to do with my place within the organization, with co-workers & management. When starting a new job I always strive to make myself indispensable, to be able & willing to do work that others can't or won't do, to display good work habits & establish a reputation for being dependable, or as a previous poster stated, to produce results. Also, I do my best not to project negativity. The problem is that eventually, even all this isn't enough.

I think one Aspie trait that has put me at a disadvantage in the work environment is that I have always treated work & private life as separate spheres. Generally, I don't have any desire to socialize with co-workers outside of work. Objectively speaking, I am kind of weird, & I'm always on guard against co-workers learning things about my private life that would become gossip fodder or that could be used against me in some way. When my workday is finished, I have to have time to myself - the last thing I want to do is have dinner or drinks with co-workers or especially one who has formal authority over me. The problem is that that's where alot of the glad-handing & favor-currying takes place.

I also have the common Aspie traits of taking language literally, obliviousness to non-verbal cues, aversion to eye contact, & especially conversational awkwardness in group settings. In these situations I tend to drift into my own train of thought, other people's words not even registering, which makes me appear "spaced out" or completely disengaged & disinterested. These aren't things that get me fired, but over time they always leave me on the outside looking in.

I'm so amazed how all these annoying things I've encountered throughout life make total sense under the light of Asperger's. At my first serious job (through ages 18-21), I mostly got along well. I was a lab technician at a glasses shop. I loved how I never had to interact with customers! It was all technical glasses-making, which required tons of attention to detail and, after learning how everything worked, basic fixes, and the nature of lenses, rarely required managerial intervention (my lab manager loved me anyway, since I got the least breakage out of everyone in the lab. She called me the best "surface tech" she'd known in her whole ten years working there. But I digress.) Unfortunately, the lab fell under the store manager's jurisdiction anyway, and the store manager mostly cared for the sales floor. Eventually I was forced to answer phones (I don't like talking on the phone, but I hate having to call customers. It's one of the most nerve-wracking parts of every job I've had.) I was often complained to when I was practically frightened to pick up the ringing receiver, or hung up hastily when I was instructed to leave a voicemail. The worst part was how if anyone from the sales floor complained about anyone in the lab, the manager instantly favored the sales floor... especially when it came to the manager's "pet", a girl who once switched from the lab onto the salesfloor, eventually brown-nosing her way to assistant manager.

This girl LOOOOVED to misinterpret me. She was also the kind of person to see you doing something wrong (even out of ignorance), not say anything to you, but go tattle to the boss in order to see you get in trouble later. She did it to me within my second week working there, and continued on every chance she got.

One time I was already in a bad mood, and that b***h complained to the manager about my "attitude problem." I don't even remember what was said, but I know it wasn't actually about a problem and I meant absolutely no attitude when I said it. When the manager confronted me, I couldn't take it anymore. I broke out crying. I explained how I've been yelled at for an "attitude problem" throughout my whole life and never understood why. If I ever have a problem with someone, I'm outright and honest about it! I have no reason to give an attitude, especially when it's something stupid like what she was accusing me of. I'm a hard worker that likes to keep to myself and I'm not stupid enough to talk back to someone just to cause drama. To my surprise, the manager backed down. It was only within this past week that I've realized an undiagnosed Asperger's might be the cause of all this. At the time, I asked (friendly) coworkers why this always seemed to happen. They knew I wasn't the kind of person to do that. The hypothesis we came up with was that since my voice is high-pitched, it naturally sounds more urgent, which some people interpret as an impatient whine. I accepted that at the time, since I hated my voice and it was the only explanation that seemed to make sense. But in reality, my voice isn't THAT bad.

What I said to my manager is true- ever since I was a kid I got in trouble because of an "attitude problem" that never actually existed. In my adult, professional life, I've had my sampling of customers that got offended when I had no idea what it was about... but it doesn't happen nearly as often as it used to with teachers.

Now it's just the social aspects that are hard for my work. At my current job (which is also a glasses shop, but is a small business with only five employees verses a multi-national company), I'm often pushed by my clueless boss to "go help" customers pick out frames... even though I was hired for lab work... I end up standing there clueless and lost for words, the customer looking back at me, expecting me to suddenly jump out into a lively personality, handing them all sorts of "cute" frames to match their faces... But I can't do that. I don't even want to be anywhere near the sales floor- that's what my other coworker is good at. I just want to be in my little lab doing my own skilled, heavily-detailed work in peace. Not trying to sell the latest fashion and pushing unnecessary additions onto patients that may not actually want that... Oh, but I can't tell my boss that I'm uncomfortable with it. She just laughs and goes, "You can do it!! !"

(... Which makes me think maybe I SHOULD get a definite diagnosis, just so I can use it to tell her, "No, actually, I CAN'T do it!! !")

Ack, sorry I turned this into a bit of a rant. Feel free to resume the previous topic...

I am starting to understand why some bosses I've had have really seemed to hate me for reasons I failed to understand.
One of the first of these bosses ran a restaurant, I was a waitress. Day One was my training, my boss told me that I had to clear the plates from the table the very minute that the customer had taken the last bite of food and put the knife and fork on their plate. I must not leave them sitting with empty plates even for a minute.
With twenty years of hindsight I realise that she didn't really mean it. However at the time I found it impossible to do the job effectively because while I was watching for the moment she described I couldn't do all the other work & look after all the other customers.
I see now the trouble was that she explained the less obvious things as if they were the top priorities expecting me to be able to prioritise it all from there. I took her at her word and tried to do exactly what she asked putting everything else as a lower priority. I was trying very hard to do a good job and she hated me for it
Later I accepted a large denomination Scottish bank note, in England it is illegal to refuse a Scottish or Irish sterling bank note in a place where an English sterling note would be accepted. In spite of this these notes are apparantly often refused in England.
When I was told to never accept a Scottish note again, I told her that was illegal. She got quite angry with me, but I wouldn't agree to break the law by refusing legal tender from customers who were willing to pay. I told her the money was being banked anyway, a bank wasn't going to mind what country was stamped on it, why did she mind? My final paypacket contained the disputed banknote. I still have no idea why she didn't want it, I had no problem banking it to pay my rent.
She got rid of me for having a "bad attitude" when I was trying my best to obey her instructions as second only to obeying the law.
Several more bosses have made nonsense demands of me since, I still can't agree to do what I don't believe is right, so I ask for reasons, bosses don't like it, but I really honestly only want a logical reason. If it's explained & I understand the reasoning behind it then I happily do it. If this is an attitude problem then I don't know how (or why) I should change it.
My present boss has been very patient. I am old staff, she is new. I have asked loads of questions about exactly how she likes things done, I do apologise to her for asking so many questions though. I explained I won't ask questions forever, only until I learn how she likes things done. I am her assistant so this seems to be working so far. I think I ask things no-one else would think to ask or care about, but I don't know which things are more important than others to her. Its a problem with priorities, not attitude, but I am acting shy at the moment so I am not seen as arrogant. It seems I have to be one or the other, rather than people seeing me as I am.
We are starting to get into a good routine of work now, that is where I relax, because once we sort out what I am expected to do each day, then I can be relied on to do it well

Thank you! I don't like being told to do things against my conscience. It happened recently and when I messed up something we ordered, but my boss wanted me to lie and say it arrived damaged. I told my boss I wasn't comfortable lying about what was wrong. So what did he do? He deliberately broke it. "There. Now it's true. Call and reorder it."



The owner at my last job was very straight-forward. He gives a task, he wants it done immediately, no questions asked. I did what I normally did- ask clarifying questions, since even if there's one obvious way, some people like things a very specific, different way. He would give me this look as if I'm an idiot and say, "What do you THINK!?" I knew better than to argue with him since he was clearly a megalomaniacal sociopath that fired people on the spot for the most ridiculous of things, so I had to really hold back that urge and just do what seemed most apparent. Luckily, he was happy with that. I still ask clarifying questions with SENSIBLE bosses... but I know I have to be careful with that now.

Yeah, also same here... I often ask for the reason or the background of the task they want me to do. Usually they would just throw tasks at me and give me exact the amount of information they would consider necessary. But I cannot handle the task without knowing what I'm doing. I guess they often feel annoyed because I ask so much in-dept details...
I often complain directly when I think that something doesn't make sense or is useless... and I can never tell if they just want me to shut up or if they actually listen to what I say.

On the other hand, I like being on the outside looking in.

I do not understand this at all. Are you sure you interpreted your boss correctly? How did you determine you were supposed to pretend to hand out fliers? Why would your boss have you go to a place to hand out fliers if your boss did not want you to hand out fliers in the first place. This does not make any sense whatsoever.

I had one person who didn't understand me. He always assumed I didn't listen and he expected me to have a savant memory. I am not good at remembering how to do something if it's not something I do all the time. Plus I was expected to magically know where things were when they would rearrange things and I hated that because then I would have to go play hiding go see and I couldn't even ask where the item was because the I would be told "How long have you been working here? You should know this stuff." I would hate it when they move stuff around because then it would cause problems for me. It wouldn't be a problem if my office clerk didn't get mad at me for not knowing. Then he would contradict himself telling me if I have any questions or don't understand something, just ask. I wonder if I should have complained to my boss but back then I didn't know. I don't seem to be good at that stuff when I am having problems.

When I lived in Montana, my boss was good but she always accused me of arguing. But at my new job here I did better because I didn't ask why for everything when I get told to do stuff. Plus at my old job in Montana I kept being told I had to be courteous to guests and I couldn't understand why she was telling me that. I didn't say anything to them or push them. I didn't hit them with my laundry cart. Guests loved complaining about me at work. That's what I thought then. The problem was I just didn't understand personal space so they acted like they wanted me to read their mind and when I didn't, they assumed I was rude so they complained about me. The boss could have fired me for meltdowns or for "rude behavior" but she didn't.


Right now the issue I face at work is, not knowing what I am supposed to be doing at work because I do what I am told that is my job so I am not going to know what else I should be doing and telling me just do what I think needs to be done or needs to be cleaned isn't enough.
But my boss just slowly shows me what I also need to be doing. My husband told me same thing happens to him so I guess it's not AS related. He told me they always do that with janitors. Also I do not know I am supposed to be asking questions because how do I know didn't misunderstand something and how do I know I am not understanding something if I think I understand it?

I think he wanted you to look for the items yourself. More than likely he just was trying to get you to leave him alone and was giving an outward appearance of being friendly. If you're in a situation like this every again try this formula whey you are at another job Act like you're looking for object x. Look through the different boxes, walk to different shelves and look around to see if you notice it. Do this intensely especially if a coworker is round. They may offer to help. Show a little resistance to their offer by saying "nah, I think I may have it and act kind of hesistant." I believe it shows to them that you're making an effort and you're being a problem solver. They may ask, "are you sure" in a hesitant kind of way. After that, let them help you but try to show a bit of reluctance still. This seems to work for me in getting other people to find crap for me.



One thing I have learned is not to ask to many questions in one sucession after another. NTs hate that and they perceive it as interrogating. This is difficult for me as well to follow but I would do is ask maybe 2 or 3 questions and try to fill in the details yourself as to what you need to do. Pick your questions carefully. If you do something wrong they will tell you. If they tell you you are rude then I would politely ask "if you do not mind will you pleasetell me how I was rude?" I would apologize afterwards Try to practice the asking voice for this. Try to be calm and somber about it. Do not use the demanding voice. Do not demand anything from anyone.



This is not what they mean by courteous. It would be considered simple battery if you purposely hit them with the cart. You're being moral and following the law by not hitting them with a cart. By not doing that all you're doing is keeping yourself out of jail. You're not being courteous by their standards. When you said nothing to the guests this was one of the problems they had. They wanted you to greet the guests and ask them how they were doing especially regulars. They wanted you to make small talk with them. You probably should've noted somethings about them like maybe their kid's soccer practice or their dog. Even talk about the weather. I know, my advice is easier said then done. I know small talk is stupid and I agree. One thing I have learned and I would like you to learn is to pick your battles and to know when to fight them and when to just let it go. With your ex-bf him demanding certain things of you and you hating it is worth the battle. Your ex-bf was a prick and a user. Fighting small talk at your job you have is not. Sometimes in life, we're just gonna have to do stupid and dumb things. This is something your child will need to know as well.



This may become a problem for you. This is called taking initiative. They don't want to have to tell you what to do all the time while you're there. Your boss has other things to do. I've had problems with this myself because as you noticed I am a deep thinker and I do tend to overthink things a lot. I've been told this by various NTs as well. Try to just look around sometimes at the job you're at and if you see something that needs to be done like a spill then just go ahead and clean it up. Don't wait for your boss to tell you. If you see a box out of place and it isn't to heavy go ahead it and put it up where it needs to be if you know where it needs to be. If not, maybe ask a co-worker or your boss. Ask them what the story with this box is and is there anything I can go ahead and do with it? These are examples of what your bosses want.



You can ask questions but keep them to a minimum of 2-3. Try to go from their. Remember your boss has work to do as well. Your boss may have a boss he or she has to report to. Your boss has may have to deal with a lot of nonsense as well from upper management. Again, all is easier said than done.

That turned out to be a huge issue when I was first hired in my current job. It was aggravated by an extremely insecure boss.

The problem is sometimes it's not just failure to give off the non-verbal signal... I just can't because I don't recognize them as authority figures. Because they're slooooow.

After my first supervisor quit, I was blessed with my Most Awesome Boss Ever. She liked order, loved planning and being on top of things, she was ambitious and self-confident. When she read my initial assessment which had "attitude problem" written all over it, she was extremely shocked and asked me how in the world I'd ever gotten anybody to think that about me. We respected each other and worked so well together we became recognized in the office as The Amazing Duo.

She quit last month too... I'm stuck again with bosses I don't respect and I have a feeling the old failure to give off the right jungle signals is about to resurface again.

I've been told that I had an "attitude problem" ever since childhood by my parents and teachers.

It's like you've described my life (minus the husband)! Using your example, I understand you want a cake pan and want to help you, but I can't because I need more information. I have no idea how that is a problem or how to correctly act in that situation. Asking for the socially correct answer gets me in trouble too. I can't win.

Stupid passive aggressiveness! NTs accuse us of being that way for not picking up on their non-literal or non-direct conversation when they are the ones who choose to use that language in the first place.

My boss meant let them by, leave them personal space and not stand too close to them with my cart and to put my cart in the right spot when I am pushing it when there are guests. That is what she meant by telling me to be courteous to the guests and I didn't know what she was talking about until mom told me.

I did talk to the guests when they talk to me. I remember asking a guest what kind of dog it was when I saw the huge dog they had and it was a Great Dane. Then I asked how old it was and they said 11 months and I commented on how big he is and how big that breed is and how bad they shed.

There's a lady at work who is not my supervisor per se but is in the same position as I am and has "been there longer" (even though I started interning at the place doing the same s**t like a year before she got hired), she busts my balls so bad on every minute detail that it's become a running joke among people we work with.

I always just took it because to be fair she does know what's up and her advice is valuable, but now that she understands that her being a b***h to me is literally a joke among people above her she has backed off a lot. So now it's a joke to her too and she'll yell at me about stuff off hand and then be like "I'm just kidding, you're OK" and I get wicked confused.

I haven't been accused of having an attitude problem, except from my own mother, when she listens to me complaining about things that frustrate me about the outside world. But when I make a misstep at work, or have an odd way of approaching problems, I can see in the eyes of others that they may see reluctance to do a task or insubordination. That makes me very self-conscious about my approach to others, and builds up my anxiety.

For example when they ask for me to cover, I feel pressured when I have nothing else planned, but am too exhausted to work. They know they can manipulate me somewhat into taking a shift, because I tend to give in to pressure. But I have a hard time saying no and lying about an excuse, or just saying the truth that I don't want to work and appearing unenthusiastic about the job. It comes across as awkward when I do refuse to cover. I even had a bit of a meltdown when I agreed to a shift I did not want to take.

My current bosses know I have Asperger's Syndrome, though sometimes the way they deal with my differences makes me feel like I'm difficult, even when I'm trying not to be. I work with people, and am required to file an incident report when a person becomes angry at the staff. I've had my share of those incidents, and subsequently filed the reports. A supervisor though made an off-hand remark that I've filed the most reports out of all the staff, even though I was fairly new at the time. Clearly he felt that I was being difficult or was not doing my job properly.

I've tried my way of acting subordinate as much as possible, and it's causing me too much anxiety. How does everyone else deal with accusations of a "bad attitude"?

I have had accusations of some sort of attitude problem at work, once in a blue moon. However I find every time it's a reflection on the other person, and not on me. They've almost always been narcissistic, schizophrenic or had some other personality disorder to say such things. So, bleh.