My fast food 'trainer' greeted me first day with "I'm m

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I don't know why I am taking a job that I tried in the past and failed at. I was offered an assistant manager position in fast food.. hell. Very demanding job. ON MY FIRST DAY, THE WOMAN TRAINING ME LOOKED AT ME AND SAID 'I'M MEAN, BUT YOU WILL LEARN'. Then she stared at me , nodding her head, and told me she was mean. As in 'your trainer is Ronnie, she's mean'. That was nice to say to a new worker! Why would they say something so stupid ? do they want people to quit?? The other workers chimed in loudly 'she's mean, yeah, she's mean' about this woman. 1) Was this supposed to be a joke or meant to intimidate me as the 'new' manager? I don't see the point to that. She said it in front of her manager, and he was smiling and looking at me.

2) How should I respond? I responded by saying nothing. I never know what to say at work since often times it was the 'wrong' thing. This place is loud and noisy and I couldn't stand it for even a few minutes, but after ONE YEAR of no regular, steady paycheck, I have to take it. I just feel so stressed about this, still going on twenty yrs later.

I'm sorry to hear that. If I walked into a job and heard that the first day I'd kind of want to run away. I don't have any good advice for you because I'm always afraid to open my mouth too. I generally manage to say the exact wrong thing. I just wish I could somehow understand just why it is that being "mean" is supposed to equal "good management".

Thank you, Rebecca! that's how I feel exactly. And they micromanage everything, and will not let me proceed to manage the store until I go through their daily process of steps for five weeks. I have been unemployed so long! But I don't want to take this job.

It was likely a joke. If she was really nasty the other workers would have been too intimidated to say anything at all.

By "mean" in this context she is trying to tell you that she is strict and a no nonsense type, rather than "nasty".

Maybe. I almost said 'I'm mean, too' but didn't. I definitely am strict. I am the manager, she is merely showing me how to 'manage' and checking my stuff off. If oNLY SOMEONE COULD TELL ME WHAT IT IS I HATE AND LOATHE ABOUT FAST FOOD WORK, I COULD DEAL WITH IT! I just can't put my finger on why it drives me insane, other than the constant crowding, noise, etc. Other people can do it. These are the only jobs out here.

Annie: I wish I'd read this earlier. I spoke to the woman today and told her that I needed more pay for the travel time and amount of work. This job pays exactly HALF of what the national average is for this occupation and number of years experience and area of the country. I honestly told her I do not know if I can handle all this. She said 'is it too much?' and I feel like s**t, absolute s**t.Her attitude changed of course when I mentioned the money. I am not officially on the work schedule yet, I looked on the wall to see.. right away I feel like I am garbage because they ignore you when you first come in. I was mad they are the ones that tell you to arrive at a certain time and they are unprepared for you and don't take the time to write your name on a 'schedule'. MAd at the depressed workers and smelly filthy small room. I can't go to work feeling so mad. This has happened at MANY jobs. Also, how many of you have had the job change as soon as you accepted the offer? This h appened AGAIN this week. Manager announces " I know I originally said you would be working at this store' and moved me to a store 21 miles away, with no increase in pay!

They are busy with their other things. I don't know how to stop feeling like this. I was turned down for disability. There comes a time when 20-45 jobs of this is enough, a time where you j ust can't keep starting over as the 'new person'.

My take about the OP is this....

Fast food jobs are a dime a dozen with high turnover...especially with people who don't want to work. It's not a horrible job, but you have to get there when scheduled to work and do your job.

Some people just want to be up-front with what their position is (no nonsense) so you know, and if you don't plan to work, go home and save yourself (and her) the trouble of training you.

You're a good person. You show heart right now in speaking freely. My advice is to keep the job right now, but set personal limits. For example, if the lady starts yelling at you, perhaps say

'Alright, yeah, now we're talking!'

You see how that kind of turns it around in a ju jitsu-like fashion?

There is no suggestion that the "mean" woman is actually yelling. Regardless I would strongly advise against your suggestion.

The most important thing in a workplace is to act professionally. The OP's suggestion of replying to the "mean" statement with "I'm mean too" would have been a mistake too. If a "yelling" situation takes place you should act firmly but professionally. The last thing you should do is respond in kind or even sarcastically. You should *never* let yourself be carried away by your emotions in the workplace. And no it doesn't matter if she "started" it. You respond in kind and you will get tarred with the same brush. For example you could say (non-sarcastically, try to feign being sincere if needed),

"I am very sorry about making the mistake. I will try very hard to not repeat it in the future and I do truly appreciate you taking your time out to show me. However I am not very comfortable with having discussions in such loud voices so I was hoping if next time we could be a bit more quieter."

The first line would flatter her and show you are not trying to be rebellious. The wording of the second line shows your dislike of the yelling but it doesn't directly accuse her of doing anything wrong and hence possibly putting her on the defensive. If she has any people skills she should be able to read between the lines and work out what you mean. More importantly people observing you such as your co-workers and higher up bosses will be able to work out what you really mean and will contrast your calmness, politeness and professionalism with hers. And they will admire your "people skills" in handling a well known "difficult" worker. If they still support her instead of you you probably want to get out ASAP because there is likely to be a culture where bullying is admired. If she ignores your request, just keep on repeating yourself until she "gets it".

BTW thinking about how *other* people perceive your responses is just as important if not more for your standing in the workplace than thinking about how the person themself will perceive your response.

If you know her well enough to know that she admires the "blunt" approach (and your higher up bosses too) just feel free to tell her straight out that while you feel sorry about making the mistake you don't like being yelled at. But most importantly, don't get emotional about it.

It's usually safer to go with the more indirect option unless you know for sure a certain person likes the blunt approach.

Another thing to take into account is what is the general workplace culture like? If yelling is common-place and no-one seems to mind and people seem to get along well then complaining about yelling directly or indirectly will get you labeled as a trouble-maker. If yelling is common place and people hate it but are too afraid to say anything, it is a sign of get out ASAP.

And to the OP I wouldn't go worrying about how you should have responded. When she said it she and the others were clearly expecting you to be surprised and taken aback. They wouldn't have expected much of a response at all.

Probably too long. Probably the Aspie gift/liability of talking in paragraphs rather than sentences. And frankly, probably more of a female approach, and I'm a male.

'Okay.' [matter-of-fact]

'Yes, that was a bad situation.'

'And yes indeed, we want every customer that pulls up into the driveway to receive their order promptly and, to receive their exact right order' [reaffirming the goals]

[And with each small sentence, you are observing the person's response and keep going.]

[Observe the obvious, let the obvious be obvious. It's like playing poker at a live table, don't worry about the subtleties. Just don't bury your head so deeply in your own cards that you miss the patently obvious]

'I may have made a mistake'

'I am human afterall.'

'I am in there trying. Right? I am in there trying.'


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That's the hard one. Confessing to something that may not be true. And it's hard to tell in real time.

And I have tried agreeing that I've made a mistake. And it doesn't work. Well, nothing always works. But this one particularly bothers me when it doesn't work, I have followed the rules, including your authoritarian rules (speaking hypothetically to a boss), and it still doesn't work. And this kind of tells me that this is a personal boundary/limit kind of thing.

ww and I had previously talked on the topic "Accounting--a warning for Aspies." It is important to me not to be intimidated.


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And it amazes me, the formal training and the on-the-job, and the two have very little to do with each other! We have theory and we have practice. What we do not have is a healthy interchange between the two. And it's all one way! It's assumed if only, if only people followed the rules-----well, then things would probably be even clunkier and work even more poorly than they do! For it needs to work the other way also. What do we do that works in practice that we can incorporate into the rules, and what do we know is unworkable that we need to find another way of achieving?


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That part I like. You do something, then you read the social situation and adjust from there.

It may not have worked well for you because you have to be sincere or at least be able to act sincere.

Also, I only suggest acknowledging a mistake in this instance to "soften" the blow of the next request (which is to tell her to stop yelling). I don't advocate doing it all the time. In fact I've always been popular with teachers and bosses partly because I do question things.

Maybe someone didn't get their right food. Or, a ten-year-old girl and her grandmother did not receive prompt service even in a badly run restaurant

'Oh, Wow. I'm sorry.'

Go with the first feeling, keep it matter-of-fact.

The situation faced by the person, and assume your boss is reasonable.

The problem comes if that's not good enough for your manager or boss, and he or she keeps going and just wants to lambast you. Some people have been raised in thoroughly dysfunctional families, some people think that's what being a "boss" is about, and the very fact that it's already a loud environment can partially conjure up various hostile and defensive emotions. (For example, they've done a psychological study in which people were asked to tell how funny cartoons were. Some of the subjects held a pen pursed between their lips (beginning of a frown), and some of the subjects held a pen clamped between their front teeth (beginnings of a grin). And sure enough, the people with the pen between their teeth ranked the cartoons as generally funnier.)

So anyway, you need skills of verbal and personal defense.

I tell myself, it's unlikely the person will take it all the way to the top, and even if they do, I have the skills. And that helps.

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And nothing works all the time! We as humans, Aspie, nonAspie, and every other classification imaginable (and nonAspies certainly have their problems, issues and histories, too) are just too complex. Social skills are heuristic, are not algorithms.

You know how you mentally review something before you say it (most of the time, and I think nonAspies also do this most of the time)? Well, lately I have experimented using the assumption that it's probably okay (unless I get a definite feeling that it's not). I am leaning in the direction of saying it. It's a much lighter review. That is, I have lowered my standards and given myself permission not to be so perfectionist.

I have also rehearsed keeping things short.

And at the same time, I have worked on skills of recovery. That is, if I say something too personal or put the other person too much on the spot, I can soften it a little bit.

And again, nothing works all the time.

You did not make a mistake bringing up the travel and the money. It's all part of the texture of the situation.

You can choose whether or not to bring it up again, and how.

And if the trainer or manager brings it up, you have the choice of being low-key, medium-key, or emphatic.

lowkey: 'Let's see how it goes.'

medium-key: 'No, I'm not crazy about the travel.'

emphatic: 'Yes, I think I am going to need to transfer to the store closest to me.'

That is, you can adjust as you go along (please understand that I am mainly preaching to myself in that I struggle mightily with perfectionism). If you think you came on too strong, you can more low-key it and medium-key it the next time. At least you brought it up.

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Now, you know this job's a long shot anyway, not something you previously enjoyed and not something initially promising.

So, learn what you can. Maybe try and be like a participant-observer in anthropology. Try and be a positive leader where you can with the staff, although it looks pretty cut and dried.

What are you talking about?? If they're a 'dime a dozen', why aren't people lining up to work there if so many are 'desperate' and whining every day how the economy is bad and they have no money? Yeah, right. U didn't answer that question.

I am no nonsense, too. I AM THE MANAGER. And BTW: I was on time, early actually, and never missed one minute of work.. with excellent attendance award.. so you're preachin' to the choir.
It has nothing to do with not wanting to work! Have you ever worked fast food? Until you have, full time, day in day out.. you can't talk about it. Not for $8.50 an hour to manage the entire store, and drive 21 miles. Uh uh. Not at this stage of the game.

HELLO! THAT WAS A JOKE! NOTICE I SAID 'ALMOST' SAID 'I'm mean, too'. So, do you want to work here? They are hiring. And actually, I have said that in the past and it worked fine. See 'bullying in the workplace' on google. When you do NOT stand up for yourself from the beginning, you will be bullied at work. And for the excuse, which is the only excuse I have ever heard from people to 'TAKE ABUSE AT WORK BECAUSE THEY PAY YOU'.. THAT IS THE BIGGEST MISNOMER OUT HERE. THEY DO NOT, I REPEAT.. LISTEN UP, DO NOT PAY YOU!! Often, abusive companies renig on their offer of payment.. then we had to go to dept of labot to get our money, because abuse is abuse. They are clearing showing you what they are like.. why do you ignore it? Have you heard the words 'be on your best behavior during an interview'? The company is on its best behavior when you are new.. if this is how they are when you are new, imagine how they will be later! Come on! Common sense. Remember, I have received 46 job offers in 20 yrs and know of whence I speak.

THE QUESTION WAS ' SHOULD U ADMIT UP FRONT IF YOU FEEL YOU CANNOT HANDLE THE NOISE AND STRESS, ETC?"

1. How many of you are still at minimum wage after 20 years? Gets more than a bit old.

2. How many of you have BEEN managers in these fast food positions?? Most could not last five minutes.. factual, as u can see by the turnover rate. I lasted years. Worked over 10 yrs, and NOT for $30-$50,000 a year. When u are being paid relatively well, taking 'abuse' gets easier.. yet most people making $35,000 and more a year whine about their bad job. Puh-lease.








I'm not an 'op' and I actually advise people for a livin on keeping jobs with aspergers, etc. The person who posted here THAT GOES BOTH WAYS. SHE WAS INAPPROPRIATE IN SAYING 'I'M MEAN' TO A NEW WORKER. YELLING IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE IN THE WORKPLACE.

Annie K: Good.Then by giving them no response and not 'taking the bait', I did the correct thing. I AM A MANAGER HA HA! THEREFORE I WOULD BE THE ONE 'STARTING' IT (YELLING) AND MY YELLING WOULD BE ACCEPTABLE? Of course not. As manager, I could throw weight around as you all seem to accept managers do.. and everyone would have to walk on eggshells not to upset me, the manager. All would have to take my yelling and say 'please don't do that', right? I am, and have been a manager of entire STORES, and I never yelled, or had an excuse to yell, at any worker.

Now I get to be the yeller, right? NO! under this thinking, managers can yell and all have to pussyfoot around and take it. When managers or owners yell, get out. If this mentality were true, parents would treat children well. They would not be 'defensive'. EVERYONE gets put on the defensive when they are criticized.. that includes workers.

Annie: I have had subordinates try to bully me. I could have fired them, correct? for 'mouthing off' to me, and didn't.

Parenting is a JOB. A lifelong job. How many parents do you see following the advice about worrying about their 'tone' and presentation and rebellion when speaking to their children? Reality is: very, very few. Ditto in the workplace. This obviously hasn't worked and isn't working for 20 yrs. What is needed is a social worker WILLING to come in as third party so that these people can keep their job. GETTING the job is the focus on this forum.. as usual, that is the WRONG focus. My workshop is the only one out here that addresses the real important issue: KEEPING a job.

YOU ALL NEED TO FAMILIARIZE YOURSELVES WITH 'BULLYINGINTHEWORKPLACE.COM'.
Google 'bullying in the workplace' which shows specific, repetitive behavior that all have experienced. Note the similarities and reasons for the bullying.