Coworker accuses me flaunting my intelligence.

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For some reason this has me really bothered. Any one have any thoughts on this?

I have a co-worker that asked me a question regarding her computer. I am no longer the Tech in the office, but i still help out when I'm asked. I answered her questions, to which she replied, " I know you think I'm a simpleton, but I do actually know what I'm doing with computers." She went on to accuse me of flaunting my intelligence around the office and "acting superior." because of my intelligence.

Let me state right now, in my opinion my intelligence is mediocre at best. I have the biggest self esteem issues possible. I go to work, sit at my desk, work and really to say much to anyone else. I don't internally or externally compare who is better, bigger, best in anything. I find it a waste of time and it simply doesn't interest me to rank humans.

I asked around the office, and apparently she told one other employee I, " was like her cousin that constantly makes snide comments about peoples intelligence to make them feel stupid."

Which I could kind of see how some of my comments would make someone feel a bit daft BUT I never do anything to hurt people intentionally. I never come right out and say " I think you are a dumb ass." Even though I might think they are sometimes. ( Hell, this time I wasn't even thinking it!)

She went on to tell me she acts stupid to avoid extra duties and that "not all of us are smart enough to do that."

I am constantly censoring what I feel at the office. I am constantly weighing in my head " should I tell them the truth, will it hurt them? how will it be perceived?" The fact that I offended someone in the office so horribly REALLY bothers me.

I SUCK at office politics! Any suggestions?

I get things like this all the time, too. I had someone become mildly insulted when I explained something about how a gas regulator works. He thought I was teaching him things he already knew, but my intent was to explain what I think I know and see if it checks out or whether I am in error.

It's not just that, but people read secondary meanings into the things I say all the time, and I think "I didn't say that!". Often these secondary meanings are negative or for whatever reason they are held against me, or used to make me look stupid.

Try not to second guess yourself all the time, because you'll just waste time and you won't get any better at this anyway. Save your money, you may need it if they throw you out of there for whatever reason. If they don't throw you out, you may build toward becoming independently wealthy if you save enough money and hold it long enough in interest bearing accounts, and thereby get out of the 9 to 5 situation, and have limited contact with people under better circumstances.

Oh, and there's something to appearing less intelligent than you really are. The co-worker's strategy of appearing dumb to avoid extra duties makes sense, if the things she's doing aren't personally important and she'd rather be doing something else like thinking about what she will do when she gets out for the day. I learned the hard way that most people don't appreciate intelligence anyway, and at best you risk making others feel inadequate if you flaunt it. I've learned to send my thoughts right to the patent office rather than spread them around to people who can't do anything with my ideas anyway. I'm sure that sounds arrogant, but it's just the fact of the matter.

First of all, Dyp, don't feel bad. In my experience, people like that are often just defensive because they really are dumb, and I would especially suspect this to be the case if she claims to "act stupid" to get out of work.

Anyway, I've noticed two other key things:

1. That people get really defensive when you explain things that they already know.
2. Aspies tend to over-explain things.

My solution to this problem has been to explain as little as possible. That way I don't hurt people's feelings by telling them things that they see as common knowledge. And if they don't get it because you haven't explained enough, they'll tell you. For example, if someone got the wrong answer to a complex algebra problem, don't explain how to do the whole thing properly, just point out the one mistake they made. If they then tell you that they don't understand the rest of the problem, then offer them more help with this. That's all.

This sounds a lot like someone who wants to be "pet" by you.

To explain: There are some people who feel a bit self-conscious about their own intelligence for whatever reason. They're typically the ones who lead off with "I'm a very smart person..." and/or work a similar sentiment into their conversation when they want to be taken seriously.

But just as it means "more" to someone to be called beautiful by someone beautiful, it means more to these people to be held as "intelligent" by someone they consider "intelligent". It provides them with some validation.

If you want this person in your corner, your next step is clear. You approach them on your next mutual workday and tell them, "I've been thinking about what you said about acting 'slower' to get out of extra work. That's really smart." Say this, even though it most likely abhors you. Let a few days go by and follow with "You know, you really know a lot more about computers than anyone else here".

This will make her a staunch ally and put her solidly in your corner. We tend to like those who like us. After all, they like us so they can't be bad people.

YES, I know this is manipulative. YES, I know you may feel a bit smarmy doing this. BUT... that's "office politics". And that's what you wanted to know

I think a simple, "What the heck are you talking about!?" would be appropriate in this kind of situation. Then maybe offer to take her out for coffee after work to discuss what is obviously a very large communication gap.

Actually, it sounds like she is projecting whatever drama she is going through with her cousin onto you. It might simply be that you physically resemble her cousin and she is unconsciously assigning that person's characteristics to you. Stranger things have happened.

Good luck

A self-centered manipulative person who won't be at all interested in changing for the better is what it sounds to me like you've got there.

That's a good point, and a good solution. I am horrible about saying too much. I think I'm doing a good thing by being thorough, but actually I'm probably boring people and annoying them by telling them all I know. If I did a better job of reading what they actually *want* to know, and paying attention to that, I'd be better off. The other thing I need to learn to do is ask questions about a situation: maybe say "Are you asking me about how electricity was discovered, or how to change a light bulb?" Or something like that.

quote="Android"]....
2. Aspies tend to over-explain things.

My solution to this problem has been to explain as little as possible. That way I don't hurt people's feelings by telling them things that they see as common knowledge. And if they don't get it because you haven't explained enough, they'll tell you. For example, if someone got the wrong answer to a complex algebra problem, don't explain how to do the whole thing properly, just point out the one mistake they made. If they then tell you that they don't understand the rest of the problem, then offer them more help with this. That's all.[/quote]


I learned, over a long period of time, to "read" the other person when I'm doing this. The glazed over look in the eyes, eyes darting around as if looking for escape. I cut myself off and apologize, saying, "Sorry, I guess I'm just processing out loud."

Explain as little as possible...

Don't explain WHY things happen, and HOW they are connected. People don't seem to care and generally think you're annoying when you tell them things they don't care about. Additionally, they might think you're bragging, too, even though you don't intend to.

Minimalise the explanation like this: "If this happens, go here and do this to fix it."

NOT: "If this happens, you have to put your hand on the mouse, that's that little thingy over here, go there and there, use your left finger to press and click the left mouse button on that little picture, which is for this and that, because such and so, and then you click again, but really fast, that's to make it understand we want to go inside there, and then you right-click that one and click "Properties", yes at the bottom of that little list that popped up, and then there are thingies over there, like "tabs", you click this one because our problem is located in that particular section, because blah blah ETC."

I agree with most of the posters here. Simplifying explanations into "Beat with hammer" instead of technical writing manuals of how to find the hammer, which hammer to choose, how to hold it, etc. helps significantly.

I also have found that many times NT's don't see the technicalities that we see. They don't want logic, they want quick and simple, non-intellectual answers. When you give them intellectualism, they glaze over, or think you are bragging. Also, I've noticed many of us AS folk try to be helpful to others because we see other people struggling with their lack of knowledge or understanding. I've learned not to be helpful and only give information if specifically asked because it comes across to NT's as being a "know-it-all."

I luckily had a coworker who gave me some good advice and tips on how I was perceived to allow me to fix some of the common mistakes that I made about helping people who really didn't want to be helped.

I get this kind of attitude from my boss. And like you, I asked a co worker if there was anything in it. She said no, that I did come across as better educated and more intellectual than my boss, but that I wasn't "showing off" or flaunting anything.

I have always had this problem with other people, particularly other women. It has made me rather insecure and anxious in some ways, as though I needed more to be anxious about!

It's true that aspies tend to over explain things. I wouldn't do the office politics thing of trying to puff up her ego though... not because it's not a good idea, but because I wouldn't be any good at it. She'd smell insincerity a mile off. You may be better at that than I am though, I don't know.

Anyway, the woman obviously has feelings of intellectual inferiority around other people (like her cousin) so it's not your fault. I realise it's not my fault with my boss either, but that doesn't make it any easier for us, does it? It does however mean that this isn't your fault.

Hope you have a better work day today.

A good point! I have to remember that we are all very different. More accurately, I have to remember that we are all not "me". If that makes sense to anyone. And this is probably the only site in the universe where it does make sense to someone.

It's the dialogue. It's not the uber read.


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Just go ahead and give this particular co-worker space. She needs space, give her space. And later, with the luxury of having plenty of time, you can consider, was she out of line? (sounds like it!), was she looking for validation like another person suggested (possibly).

And it's actually better to spend time building positive relationships rather than damage-controlling not-such-great relationships. And positive relationships are the ones that really benefit from dialogue, usually of shorter questions and sentences.

We Aspies tend to focus on the initial mistake to the exclusion of playing the hand. I know I do. So please, cut yourself some slack. You do not need to be perfect. And you should still be treated respectfully. In particular, it was uncool on your co-worker's part for her to go badmouthing you to other people. (If she had just said things to you, it might have been banter, or someone overusing a sarcastic sense of humor, might have, but now that she has acted this way, apparently not.)

In a confident matter-of-fact mood:

'Susan, please don't go telling people I think I'm smarter than other people. I do not. I'm just a person who sits at her desk doing her work. Okay?'

If you can pull it off, do it while you getting a cup of coffee or retrieving some supplies. Yeah, that casual aspect, that can be good. If not, ask if you can speak with her. But keep it short. It's advantageous to keep it short.

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The next step might be to allow yourself to get angry. Be firm, be direct, be brief, limit the remark to how you wish to be treated, but allow some of your angry to come through.

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The next step might be to de-escalate, but go to a manager or supervisor.

'It's beginning to be an issue . . . '

'I don't want it to be an issue . . . '

Bringing a manager on board, it's new to them, they naturally think if they just talk to the person, it's going to be the end of the issue. So you have to give this a chance to work. For that reason, you de-escalate.

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Or any other skillful step you can think of. And hopefully, your first medium step will work.

Be like a poker player, take a medium step and see how it works before taking your next medium step. And trust your gut each step. And again, it's okay to make mistakes. Just allow yourself to matter-of-factly recover from them.

And I think we all probably have an internal self-censor. Just see if you can tune it down a little so that the default is that it probably is okay to go ahead and say it.

I get this too, I don't mean to make people feel inferior, that is never my intention but I get angry when they say it like its me that's got the problem. But I don't mean it that way, so don't they have the problem?
I have a nich'e a specialty, and when someone asks me about that subject I can't help but tell them everything I know on that subject, because I don't want them to miss any imformation I think maybe usefull.
Then I get called a Smart-alek and told to go away because I've offended them by making them feel like they know nothing about the subject. Makes me . And more so makes me wonder why I bother to try and help people.

I was actually knocked in a review once for being perceived by my co-workers as not working hard enough when I was producing two to three times the results in my 6-8 hours as they did in their 10-12 hours. I didn't complain enough about the job, or put in the "sweat" hours. People resented me for being competent.

I developed a personal mantra from that experience, to cautiously help those around me, just a little, because unsolicited help ticks them off, too. I decided I would encourage and build their esteem, and comment positively on their work when it approached competence. Develop them, grow them, help them reach their potential and tell them how they are better than they think they are, and how much more they are capable of than they think.

Basically, treat them like children.

Amazingly enough, I was shortly thereafter made team lead.

It is a lot like babysitting, so the treating like children thing turned out to be good. Sometimes what seems to us as unmitigated gall and condescending arrogance passes for leadership in the NT world, whereas our politeness is considered condescending arrogance.

Another way that treating them like children helps is the little litany inside my head when they got cranky or came to complain - do they need a diaper change, are they hungry, do they need to be burped, are they wanting a different toy, etc. It makes their emotions easier to comprehend viewing them from a caretaker role -- 99% of the time someone approaching you with bizarre and difficult to read emotions and logical inconsistencies is simply out for their own self-interest in some way, and is trying to use their attempts at reason and emotional plea to manipulate you into doing something or making a decision that benefits them, often at your or other's expense.