Jobless, useless, sleepless

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I've gotten degrees, in history and in mass comm. I aspire to do documentaries about American history, and for the last year, I've freelanced, as well as worked on a great Civil War doc which will hopefully be on PBS soon. But since that project has ended, the well has seemingly dried up. I've been looking for employment, for work, for several weeks now, and while I know it is early compared to those who've been jobless six months or a year or more, I still feel all these incredible, negative, awful feelings.

I feel so out of place and useless. I have my gifts, yet I feel that in this climate, they are of use to seemingly no one. I wonder what good I am in this world. I believe we all have a calling, a passion to which we are meant to devote our lives, and while I for a long time was certain I had found my passion, I now doubt that. The rewards have been little in relation to the hardship, and the temptation grows to give up and find something else. As I've said, I started looking anywhere and everywhere for something, yet all the while I'm filled with a sickening feeling that I'm in the process of giving up. The best case scenario I foresee at this time still means I yield what I love in favor of something that fills the void in my bank account and nothing else. I will lose the only thing that makes me special, since I have been an utter failure socially, and romantically I'm not a catch any girl would want to keep. I fear I'm about to begin a forty year journey that leaves me miserable and hating myself for giving up.

Yet I fear persisting in my dreams, because I just dont' know if I have the strength, teh courage, the talent to make good. What if I'm just meant to be mediocre? What if I'm just not worth a damn?

I'm so scared of what the future may bring. That I shall be lonely, poor, stuck in my home city my whole life, and not have anything to show for it when I'm gone. I've never really contemplated suicide, but if I had a crystal ball that could show me my future, and if my future was what I fear it will be, I would kill myself now. Because that life is not worth living to me.

I just don't know what I'm going to do.

I'm jobless have been for 5years , i'm living at home , i'm 30!... currently in pain and completely unimpressed with myself , it seems only now am i doing something about it but then i feel
is it too late?. You do have a much better standing than i , although all i can say is even for you i hope for the better

Perhaps you should get a job that's not media related? You could make documentaries in your spare time, whilst supporting yourself with another source of income.

You wouldn't be giving up, you'd just be realistic. If your documentaries kick off, you can always give up the day job, but it makes sense to have a back up plan for times like this.

Lots of people want to work in the media industry ibut in reality, it's quite competitive and the jobs aren't reliable.

It is so easy to fear the worst when it comes to employment, particularly in this current woebegone economy! I thoroughly empathize with you! I've been out of work for three years now, have survived living in a homeless shelter and learned the ways of "The Lifestyles of the Poor & Broke" (apologies to Robin Leach.)
If you're not already in therapy, do you have access to free and/or low-cost mental health services? It's a component that has helped me tremendously! I would also encourage you to make use of the 12-Step group known as Debtors' Anonymous. Again, it's a component that has helped me enormously!! !
It is amazingly and frightfully easy to succumb to depression and to allow its warped thinking dominate your mind - you are my mirror image right now in terms of wondering what the *^@k is going to happen next in life. Hopefully your depression won't so dominate your thinking into taking self-terminating action. There is probably someone in the world who would miss you if you left that way.

Welcome to my world.

I wanted to be a police detective. Due to the prejudices of others, I was never allowed to go down that road. I went to college, got a dual major (Poli. Sci. and Mass. Comm.) then went on to law school.

Granted, I realized I did not want to practice law, but I was confident I should have no problem finding any decent paying job, but then 9/11 happened, and the economy for people with my types of skills never got better. Too many out of work people with similar skills and abilities...not enough jobs. I should be making $35,000-$45,000 or more with my education, but I'm working as a glorified secretary. It's been 9 years, and this is the BEST I can get.

I might be better off because when I lost my dream job of being a police detective, I NEVER found a passion for anything else. I seemed to just be going along trying to find something that could take its place. I've given up on "careers" or finding any sense of fulfillment from what I do for a living. I'm fortunate to be working with someone who generally values and appreciates me...perhaps even understands me. There's no economic prosperity where I'm at, but I'm getting by. I've learned to find contentment in the little that I have rather than pine away while looking at what I do not have.

Don't know exactly how I will deal with issues like retirement...or if something happens which costs me my current job. I've been looking for better work for years. I'm lucky to get even 1 interview in any given year. Still, I look at what is going on nationally, and everyone else (NTs) are just as concerned, so I know it's a bad economy, and that makes me feel good knowing that I'm as "secure" as one can reasonably be at the present time.

All I can say is find ways to be content and just bring in money doing what you can do well. It's a rough time for a whole lot of people (AS and NT). You're not alone.

Hello Brianruns10,

First off, let me salute you for understanding your feelings that well, and also having the guts to talk about them in depth here!

One thing about deep feelings is that whether they're good or bad, while we're in their grip we "think" we'll always feel that way. Rather, as the saying goes, "This, too, shall pass!"

When I was 26, I could count all the dates I'd had on my fingers, and I'd never had a girlfriend. I also had yet to find my passion in life - and had never even heard of AS! Now, I've been happily married for over five years, and I have my own practice.

Keep in mind that there are compromises, and then there are compromises. As Lene rightly points out, you can find a job in another industry, work at it while still pursuing your film dreams and leave the job if and when a media opportunity pans out for you. As she also mentioned, the media industry is tough for finding and keeping jobs.

As zer0netgain pointed out, right now the economy stinks, for Aspies and NTs both. My guess - speaking from my Economics training and the data out there - is that employment will get better at a glacial pace, and it will take a few years more for things to be even close to as good as they were before the recession started. You need to hang in there.

Last but not least, if you ever seriously think of harming or killing yourself, please call 1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK. If you need therapy or counseling, please get it. Many services work on a sliding scale basis (that means if you have less money you pay lower, nominal or even no fees), and/or will treat you on an emergency basis (that means they treat you first, and they'll worry about the bill later). The only way you know that your life will be a total failure is if you end it ahead of time.

Keep your chin up, Brianruns10!

I think your feelings are quite normal! Millions of people world wide are jobless without choice. I've been jobless for a year now, and have been all over this city going after laundry, fast food, cashier, baker, lunch lady, ect. Forget job stress, I feel like this is really the worst part.

You're not useless. Why? .. because millions of people everywhere are laid off for the sake of a companies funds. Any kind of business from Jails to book stores. Whatever reason you are jobless right now, I have my doubts it was your fault in the first place. It's no dance of ease, in my oppinion, to be competeing as an aspie against thousands to millions to ?? of nuero typicals.