Has a boss ever said "Get Anger Management Therapy!&quo

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This was the final statement of my last boss, to me, when I was fired. It shocked me. Surprised me. Confused me. I had never considered myself to have anger management issues, and was even a bit offended. I certainly couldn't see that I had been angry the day before.

By all means I had been frustrated. I worked in food service, at a coffee and sandwich joint. I had been put at the sandwich station, which I usually quite enjoy (not facing the customers, everything is nice and in order, job objectives clear, etc etc). That day, the company had failed to have in inventory the plastic gloves I usually choose to use. They insisted I use the rubber ones that were available. And I asked for reassignment, since the rubber gloves irritate my skin - something I put in my initial employment file a year earlier. Frustration mounted as my request to be transferred to another position was repeatedly ignored - though my reasons were made clear and the right staff were available for such a switch. The night ended with the supervisor telling me they would send me home. And me telling them that I'd ask to be paid for the full night if they did so since I was still willing to work.

I look back on my previous jobs. And see that the last days at all of my employments came through frustration with my direct supervisor asking something of me that defied my ideas of fair and equal treatment - frustration with them not understanding me.

I know I was never aroused to the point of harming anyone, and would not classify what I hadd felt as anger - frustration and confusion yes! But I do have poor control of my volume and tone - and reflect that I may have come across incorrectly to the supervisor; reflecting on past employment, I see a likelyhood that I have lost employment for nearly identical reasons in the past.

How common is this?

Its quite common for someone with AS/HFA to encounter frustrations like that in the workplace, and with an officially diagnosed Disability, you can insist on a certain amount of reasonable accommodation and they are legally obligated to make reasonable adjustments. Without that formal diagnosis in your file, they can treat you as a hostile complainer and use it to paint you as a problem and fire you, which is what just happened to you.

In 35 years, I had 29 jobs and was fired from 24 of them, for situations not dissimilar from yours. Employers would start altering my schedule and routines, pushing me to do things that caused me anxiety attacks and treating me as hostile and antisocial, when all I really was, was non-social. I didn't understand why these things kept becoming such big deal issues over and over and they didn't care. I didn't find out about AS and get diagnosed until my career was over and it was a moot point.

Even when I tried to start a new career, I ran into the same types of problems, this time with people who knew what my disability was and were too stupid to understand it. I'm still pursuing a discrimination dispute with them.

However, I did work with several others over the years who had recognized disabilities and employers treated them with kid gloves.

What you've described seems to be a common issue with Aspies, and it isn't about anger; it's an inability to cope. Stress management might be helpful, which is a bit different from anger management. Like you said, you weren't angry, but you were flustered and overwhelmed and unable to cope. The skills for working through that and remaining effective are going to be a bit different than for dealing with anger, although some similarities do exist.

An employer who is sensitive to this need will be ideal.

What other jobs have you considered? You are very articulate, I noticed that in your parenting posts, and you are quick to offer practical and unique ideas. I can see you doing something quite different from sandwich making, personally. Something that plays more to your unique strengths. The more a job relies on abilities in you that they would be hard pressed to find elsewhere, the more they are likely to accept your quirks and help you sort through conflicts.

In other words, raise the bar and you might actually have a better chance of success.

To make a long story short, I eventually discovered that when I try to express minor frustration and annoyance through tone of voice and facial expressions, others perceive me to be very "angry", "hostile", "aggressive", and/or "rude". Yet another reason why I try to keep my mouth shut at work, and minimise my contact with the other humans.

i don't know how aspies keep jobs. i have destroyed nearly every employment situation i have ever had, because something about the environment was intolerable (a lack of structure and predictability, often; other times the social demands) and i thought my viewpoint was objective and couldn't understand why other people were having an easier time or weren't equally outraged. i had no idea i had AS. now things make more sense.

there is a distinction between anger (which can be managed) and frustration which can become acute (which i think is an inherent part of the condition). i don't know what the solution is except to disclose your Asperger's to your employer and request accommodations, and phrase the requests very carefully. accommodations in your case would include the gloves you needed or a different position for your shift if they were absent. in someone else's case who had a lot of trouble with transitions the accommodation might be not to ever be switched from one position to another mid-shift. another person might not be able to work in a particular room due to the lighting or the noise.

but also i think the way we deal with conflict / resolution is too direct for most people to cope with. they will interpret us as confrontational or even hostile when we don't mean to be. it's helpful to be aware of this (and i was aware of it long before i knew why) but i don't know what the solution is.

the catch 22 is if you do as logan5, keeping to yourself, you will inevitably piss people off all the same, for not being a part of their social games

Katzefrau is correct. If you are quiet and keep to yourself at work, you are labelled "unsociable" and "not a team player". Unfortunately, the modern workplace is about (social) networking and playing office politics, rather than actually getting the job done and done right. (These behaviours go beyond the official line of "good communication and interpersonal skills".) Thankfully, my current job is an exception to this, in part because it requires very little interpersonal interaction. I am sure that many of my colleagues consider me to be quiet and unsociable, but what upsets management are the people who are screwing about and not doing their work. These are written up as "conduct issues", and people who rack up too many of them are (eventually) fired. The catch is, jobs like mine are very low level jobs. I really don't see much of a future for myself. C'est la vie.

My NT FEMALE boss told me that a few times...funny, but I never got into any arguments with the men or programmers, only with the stupid marketing women...BTW, funny she said that since she was a STUPID marketing woman, who got ahead by sleeping around (vs. me who NEVER dated anyone I worked with or went to school with) and on more than one ocassion she would leave a meeting and slam the door as she left...but I guess it was ok cause she was NT into BS chit chat at work...glad I no longer work there...

I kinda wish that I was told that. I may have complied and wouldn't have had to worry about an income this last summer because I'd have had my job. Oh well, I look forward to starting my new job and hopefully will not upset too many people in the process.