Being accused of laziness and self-pity...

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...for not being able to get or keep a job. Get that often? Instead of having a supportive family and friends, they look at me like someone who doesn't deserve support, or even sympathy. Can't drive, can't communicate properly, can't focus, can't adjust, can't improvise, can't follow instructions, everything's too far away... what am I supposed to do? But no, apparently it's all in my head. I'm just lazy, and don't want to exit my comfort zone. I'm "happy" the way I am. I take advantage of other people, and people are doing me a disfavor by letting me do so. They should just leave me to fend for myself so I would learn my survival skills the hard way. That's what they all say anyway.

Anyone get that kind of thing?

Well I can drive and keep a job, but I'm getting bullied for being depressed, that my house is a mess and that I'm not currently doing all the awesome things I should be. I'm depressed because I'm still getting used to the idea that I'm autistic, so I'm doing the minimum to stay functional and keep my employer in business, avoiding stress and taking it at my own pace. And that's not good enough to some.

You're certainly not alone Qi.

I can drive and I'm looking for a job - but apparently I'm not looking for a job hard enough even though the process sends me into near constant meltdowns and when I do find a job, my family will complain that the job isn't good enough, you just can't win with some people, the best thing to do is to avoid them if at all possible.

WARNING: POSSIBLE PEP TALK FOLLOWING

To be honest, my first instinct is to say that they are right. But my second (better) instinct is to at least TRY to be empathetic to your situation.

Yeah, I've gotten that kind of thing before. And I can't tell you what to do, or that what has worked for me is right, but this is a little bit of my situation:

I knew full well after graduating from college that I really wasn't fit to be a teacher, at least not a good one, until I've had a LOT of experience and was used to students. The trouble with that, though, is in order to get needed experience, you have to keep a job for several years. And that's where I ran into trouble. I got canned after my first teaching job. So I just said to myself, no big deal, I was just green, I'm sadder, but wiser. I got back in the saddle, tried again.

I did SOMEWHAT better the second time around. I lasted two years in a horrible school under horrible conditions, but I was determined. That second year, when everything seemed to be going really well, I became concerned because I couldn't, no matter what I tried, get along with my principal. And I knew full well he probably wouldn't recommend me for another contract. I went to the school superintendent about it for advice, and nothing I tried on his advice worked. So I wrote a very kind, yet honest, letter to the district saying "thank you" and "good luck," and even proposed ways that the district could make the job more attractive and how they might try to keep the next teacher.

Almost miraculously, I got a call about a job right up the road from there where I'd simply left a resume. It wasn't about the job I WANTED, but I thought-hey, a job's a job, right? So I worked HARD at that school for two years to try to justify why they should keep me there. I tried to ignore the two-year lifespan of others who'd held that position before, but after two years my time was up. They DID offer me the job I actually requested. That job, however, was not an "official" job at the school but was rather a per-student gig for which I was solely responsible for billing and collecting. I'm a musician and a teacher, not a businessman, for crying out loud! Right at that moment, the bottom fell out of the economy, my wife lost HER job, had a second baby, and we ended up getting rid of our house to the first offer we got for it and lived homeless for over two months. We managed to buy a small place on a 1-acre lot out-of-town, for which we paid IN CASH. While we do still live in poverty, at least we can say that the bank cannot possibly take our house!! !

What happened after that was my wife became de facto sole breadwinner for our family, a complete reversal from what had been. We can't afford to move or live anywhere else (yet), so we're stuck here. I had a lot of trouble getting money from people who owed me, and my wife began putting pressure on me to give up what I'd been doing and get a "real" job. Well, I didn't. But word got around, and a local college extension campus offered me a similar job teaching a non-credit course. So I get paid for my evening gig through the college I work for, and they are much more adept at collecting money and paying me for lessons. I have a gig with a local church (a GOOD gig at a GOOD church), so combined with my after-hours work I DO have a fairly regular source of income. My wife pretty much OWNS the office where she works, has gotten raises, the kids are healthy, so life isn't quite so bad as it was.

I made some changes with how I do business and now my "day job" is bringing in more money than it did the last two years with a fairly comparable number of clientele.

I've also discovered (as of last year) how much free time I've had that I've just wasted. So THIS year I've decided to take all that time and energy and devote it to what I always WANTED to do. If done well, I can make KILLER income, and I've extended job-related things I do to include new things I've always wanted to try but just didn't have the courage to do. If I'm diligent, people will start to notice and I may discover new ways of earning money through my interests.

I haven't really mentioned exactly what I DO. My former teaching jobs was as a band director or music teacher, and I ended up teaching private piano lessons--about the exact OPPOSITE direction I ever really saw my life going. But the wonderful thing about doing what I do is troubled kids seem to be attracted to me more than "normal" kids, so I end up being as much a therapist than an actual teacher. I win some, I lose some, and two that I lost last year really broke my heart because I know they won't get the kind of attention they need from where they ended up--indeed they might be worse off. But on the other hand, I have other students that are driven and obviously poised for success in everything they do, and I hope maybe some of them will follow in my footsteps and (hopefully) fare better at what they do!! !

My REAL dream is to compose music and get my music performed. I'm currently writing for handbells, and my most recent project is a work for my husband-and-wife duo (myself and my wife, that is) that I'll hopefully premier this December. I'm hoping that our performances will attract other aspiring ringers and that I can write quartets after Christmas and even recruit an entire handbell choir. Now, I'm not getting PAID for that work, but since a large portion of my income is church-related, I feel I ought to put in the work to at least demonstrate my dedication to church music, even under-used resources. My motivations are primarily spiritual in this regard, but it also shows a new potential employer (should there be one) the sacrifices I'm willing to make in order to be a valuable part of a team.

It also demonstrates my versatility in my art. If my music is worthy of performance, why shouldn't I expect to attract wealthy patrons of the arts in supporting public performances of, say, string quartets or woodwind quintets--or even overtures and SYMPHONIES??? Being able to produce those kinds of things speak highly of a musician's talent and resourcefulness. When I eventually decide to go back to my school for my doctorate degree, it also shows that, as a student, I'm willing to go the distance and REALLY make a significant contribution to my field, that I've shown an ability to work within budgets and deadlines, I can raise funds for projects, and that I actually know what I'm talking about because I've DONE it. I don't just have the ability to teach others, but I also have the ability to actually DO those things which I profess (those who can't do, teach, as the old cliche goes).

Right now I'm not selling because I don't have a product to sell. But given my free time (lack of students during the day), the world is my oyster.

You and I, I suspect, are really in the same boat. I've heard countless times "Why don't you give up? Get a real job! Do this little hobby of yours at night or on the weekends. You can't live like this!" My wife's friends have all said, "Why do you put up with him? Just take your kids away and get out! You can do so much better!" It got to her for a while. But eventually she told them not to ever talk about it around her again, to shut their mouths, or she'd just reconsider who her friends really were. And she's been very outspoken about me and what I CAN do and how determined I am to keep going in spite of obstacles and circumstances. She's been instrumental making believers out of people, encouraging me, even buying prohibitively expensive equipment I needed to do the kind of quality work I'm capable of doing (note the custom rank under my username!). She's even helped me audition for good bands, one I'm a permanent member of, the other I'm not sure I even really want to join anymore (long story). We live in troubled times, but she's my best and only cheerleader--and that has made this troubled life as exciting as it is strained. But nonetheless I look forward to every sunrise because it means "here is another day and another opportunity for me to be ME."

My point is that there is some kind of focus you have that is unique to you. Capitalize on it. Surround yourself with people who will offer free help and who desire to see you succeed. You want people who are encouragers. You want people who, when you fail--and you will, often--will say "Shake it off, it's ok. We just won't do THAT again, right?" If you can't fight your own battles, they'll fight for you. And you'll do everything you can to see that THEY are successful WITH you--so don't let them down!

Yeah, it takes work. Getting out of your comfort zone SUCKS!! !! !! ! Asking for the impossible SUCKS!! !! ! But you will eventually learn how to do it. Get things started. If you can get people who care WITH you rather than for you (if they are with you, they ARE for you), you'll be on your way.

One of my most obnoxious accomplishments in grad school was a piece I wrote for clarinet choir and voice choir. The first thing I did was write the piece. When it came up sounding empty, I wrote some more until it said EXACTLY what I wanted it to say. But I was discouraged because I don't work well with people. I said, "If I write it, I'll never get people to perform it." But I asked for advice and help from instructors, and I got the people. Then I said, "I'll never get enough rehearsals in to pull it off." Yet I managed to reserve a practice space, the students I worked with showed up for practice, and I even got a rehearsal accompanist!! ! Then I said, "They'll never make it to the recital." WRONG! MOST of them showed up, actually more than I really needed. The performance wasn't earth-shattering, but it HAPPENED. And any time I think that I can't pull off this kind of thing, I remind myself of the dues I had to pay back then and that I've done bigger things since then. Why should NOW be any different than 5 and 7 years ago?

It won't always be that good. But it won't always be THIS BAD, either. Find what it is you do and DO IT. And you can feel free to PM me any time. I can almost guarantee you're going to find SOME supportive people here.

Where do I sign? I get this with my family aswell. I'm lazy,shouldn't count on people to take me everywhere! My parents don't want the girls (little sisters) to end up like me with no job and certain behaviors they dislike (rudeness) for example and I haven't amounted to much etc.. and having me put down like this is VERY VERY depressing. I try to cope the best I can and IMO NO PILLS! are NOT the answer. Conundrum and WP and other members here are very helpful emotionally speaking and for me emotionally if I can think of one of you guys for support etc. then all the better.

Two pieces of advice based on my own experience: 1) There is a niche or a gap in the market which you will find and fit in perfectly 2) You need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go into the world believing you can find it!

I am with you on this one to the extent that you are going to come up against obstacles, but you need to be positive. It can be a vicious cycle because the more you beat yourself up, the less able you wil feel and this will come acorss at job interviews. Your family are not helping, are you able to move away from them if possible until you find your feet again?

I have been in my current role for almost 2 years now and although I struggle with the usual things like communication, I feel I have finally found a job where I know what I'm doing and I'm a specialist in my area of expertise.

Before my current job, I was at a big bad firm for 3 years of training and I nearly got fired over something which neuro-typicals would have known was a major faux pas, but I didn't. I got thrown off a very prestigious client I'd been working on for two years and my reputation in my department hit rock bottom. As soon as I qualified I got the heck out of there and in my desperation took the first job that was offered to me. I only lasted four months - I didn't get fired, I resigned, but in effect I was "constructively dismissed". My boss really put me through the mill for errors I made or even pub jaunts I didn't fully participate in. Naturally this made me depressed and as regards my family I felt like a failure, even if they didn't say anyhing explicitly.

In both those jobs I think I failed because the nature of the job was such that people told you things and you had to work out if they were BSing or not. Being a literal mind, I was never sceptical enough to read between the lines and investigate things deeply enough. Now I have finally found a job where I'm good at what I do, and I'm not perfect - no-one is - but it's made me believe that there is something out there for everyone.

I wish you all the best of luck, you just need to keep you chin up and I promise you, you will slot in somewhere!

First, does your family know you are AS? Or are you self-diagnosed and haven't told them? IF so, a proper diagnosis might help. Your parents could talk to the doctor who would explain to them what you can and cannot do, and how they might be able to help you. It sounds as though they do not know what your problem is?

If they do know, it is wrong for them them to simply call you lazy. They don't understand. Is there any Autism groups in your area that you could talk to?

Second, what does "too far away" mean? Are you out in the countryside with no public transportation access? That is difficult. You need to ask someone to teach you to drive, if possible. But there is always the hurdle of buying a car w/o having a job. But needing a car to get to a job! You would need to find a job, and a way to get there FIRST, while you save for a car. Can you ride a bike to work? Can you get a ride from someone?

We tend to take longer to understand what it is we need to do, and figure out how to do it. It is NOT that we NEVER get there. It's taken me decades to figure out some things. I am 53 and still "learning". But I slowly plugged away and like the tortoise and the hare, I eventually passed some of those rabbits. It's tiring. I sort of feel as though I'm always a little behind and playing catch-up.

But don't give up. Take your time. Think about one problem at a time, and try to find a solution. Like the driving or the bike. Is there a farm near you that could use a hand? Start with whatever is closest and easiest for you. Work part time, or even a few hours a week. Try to be more independant at home. Get yourself up, pack your own lunch, walk to work.

Find ways you are able to help your family. If they all work, can you do the laundry for them while you are at home? Ask how to use the machine. Make a sheet with the directions on it. Or weed the garden. Walk to dog or clean up the cat litter box. Ask every day if there is one thing you could do to help. They won't be so angry if they see you trying, and you won't feel so bad.

Whatever you do, don't sit in your room all the time. Make yourself go out to the kitchen and offer to help.
And go for a walk outside once a day if you can.

I was a roofer for 5 years and bullied regularly by the guys I worked with (especially my boss), you are not alone, I to have trouble improvising communicating etc. They called me things like "thick" and "dopey", as a result I'm finding it hard to get back into the swing of things. Even though I know the people I was bullied by were morons to say the least it still leaves a lasting effect, the fact my dad is old fashioned and has a strong work ethic doesn't help things. He just simply thinks I'm lazy, and it's taking me a long time to convince him I'm autistic (like my brother). Although since I've had my child we've been making the effort to get along a bit more.

I have the same problem OP. I have disabilities besides AS that are limiting me & I fill out apps whenever I think of something I might could do but I almost never got job interviews & my parents are constantly on my back about how lazy I am because I'm not working. They also keep bringing up the fact that I quit a job a couple years ago because I was to lazy to keep it. The rezone I left was because I did NOT feel safe due to my disabilities & I tried medication that made me sick & I had to got home & after being out a bit I was no longer considered employed. It sux that my parents believe I quit because I was lazy & they keep saying that the rezone I cant get a job now is because the places check my references but most palaces do NOT. No matter how much I try they see me as someone who's to lazy to try. They keep telling me that I need to do something else in the meantime to better myself sense I'm not working but they won't give me any hint as to what I can do to prove that I am trying. It was like this 7/8 years ago to when I had no job experience. My parents were taking me to places every month or so to apply because lots of places didn't do job apps online then & I never got a single call about a job interview but my parents kept b!tching about how I didn't want to work. What elseam I supposed to do They NEVER tell me that

Well Nick, actually places DO call references. If you have a job in your past that will not give you a good reference, or could be doing damage to you getting a job, it's better not to list it. Unless the place is out of business. I realize that might wipe out good experience but it is keeping you from ever getting a job.

My son found out the hard way. Everyone wanted him until they called his reference, but he was in disbelief they were doing this to him. It was very bad, because the new boss not only fired him but was determinedly KEEPING him from being re-employed. He talked to his original boss who hired him (but no longer worked there) and he let him have people call his cell phone. NOT the store. It worked.

If you have a long period of unemployment, but TRULY want to work, you might have to "improvise" a little to cover it. You can expand on anything you have done (yard work for a neighbor?) to be general handyman chores around the neighborhood. Say it's drying up and there are too many other people doing handyman work, so you want to get back into a factory job. Is there anyone you could put down who would give you a good reference? Seriously, like a friend or relative (NOT the same last name, LOL!). Sometimes this is what it takes and nothing else will do.

Plus, if you TRULY want a job, SMILE when you talk to the person you ask for the application. SMILE when you hand it back. Ask how soon they might call. Say you are willing to work any hours, or part time. You actually have to act enthusiastic and friendly. Practice in front of a mirror! Practice smiling and saying "Hi!" until it becomes automatic. I did.

There are disabled people out there who do work. Are there any county agencies you could go to that would help place you?

Most of the job apps I filled out don't ask for references; they mostly ask to list the work experience. Not listing that job might be bad because places have ways to check to see if you left something out or had the dates wrong ect. I don't think I would get a bad reference from anyone because I was a good worker. If job apps ask for a reference; I list my former supervisor from WalMart & give his number. I have the most work experience from there & he loved me & was pretty upset when management kept causing me problems & forced me to quit. He's the best friend I have offline rite now & I've been helping him out with things. No one's ever called him about me cuz he would of told me if they did. It's very seldom that I even get a job interview thou. It seems that lots of places aren't hiring or they are very picky when they look over job apps

Hi Nick! It's nice to know someone actually read the post. I do not understand why so few of the original posters on here ask a question then disappear??? I keep hoping the post is at least read by someone else.

Glad you have one supervisor that liked you. That's worth something. Didn't get that impression from your first post. They can only call and check the numbers YOU give them. If you don't put it down, there is no way for them to check anything. There is no giant data base of where everyone has worked. They can check if you have a police record, of course.

Right now it's mostly a numbers game, there are too few jobs for too many people. By this time next September a bunch of military bases will be closed by the BRAC and those 11,000 civilians that have jobs on them will also be out of work. Not to mention the returning troops, who will mostly be let go. Many government agencies, as well as private companies, are cutting back thier work forces. My husband is one of those people and will lose his job next June. He's been trying (with years of experience and several degrees) to get another job unsuccessfully for 3 years. We never thought it would come to this.

Finding a place that is hiring is VERY tough, no matter what your experience level. There will be stores hiring extra part time help for Christmas, and that starts soon. Try to get one of those jobs and you'll have a couple months of work and something else to put on that list. My husband is now looking at "temporary" jobs advertised as only for 1 or 2 years. He would never have considered these before. It's sad, but many have to lower their expectations.

I had problems with some managers at WalMart & was forced to quit cuz of it but I had some decent ones in the beginning; the wrong manager got promoted to co-manager & rite after there was another change & she was temporally acting head manager of the whole store & there was no co-managers rite underneath her. We had a contract crew that was assisting our department because we were short handed & a month latter the people left in my department were transferred to others & it was strictly contract crew left. I think I was forced out partly because I would of had problems in other departments. It wasn't that bad till a few months before & I left between X'mas & NewYears. I put my supervisor's number down on the apps BTW
Your rite it is a numbers game. I started at WalMart at the end of November so starting to get more aggressive now is a good idea. I'm NOT interested in a temporary job thou or a job that I think probably won't work out because I don't want to risk losing my disability & other gov benefits(like insurance) rite before I lose the job. I left my last job rite after those benefits were cut off & I ended up with a lot of debt that I'm still paying off. My main expectation rite now is something that I feel I could do fairly well & has some sense of job security/stability.

I can relate with the OP right now. My mother keeps on cutting me down because of the problems that having Asperger's has caused me. I can't drive, hold a job, or communicate properly with anyone either, and my mother constantly chews me out over all that. she's never been supportive and understanding of the whole ordeal with Asperger's, she always demands me to do and act the way an NT would and feels that I'm "worthless" because I'm just not able to. It just makes me sick, doesn't do anything for my self-esteem, and makes me wish I were dead

Tim (aka the Slipperman)