Basically I'm 21 now and I still don't have a college degree. I finished secondary school at 18 like a regular guy, after that though I didn't really feel like doing anything, school stressed me out a lot so when I graduated I felt like I would never do school again. I stayed home for a couple of months, I thought I wanted to go work but I really wasn't ready for it, I was still a little kid, childish and just not ready for any type of work. After a year I decided I should go to college to get a degree seeing I was not doing anything else. I figured I could only really do 1 thing because I wasn't interested in anything and that was desk work/administrative work(don't know how you guys call that degree here).
Once I started school I realized that all the stress from before would come back, all the things that stressed me out from secondary school were even worse here. There was tons of schoolwork, I wouldn't really care so much if it wasn't all that I hated It was basically a lot of work instead of a lot of studying, if it was just studying for test I wouldn't really mind because then all I had to do was study and I had that in me. It was basically writing a lot of papers, doing assignments, preparing stuff and worst of all A TON of presentations. Presentations are pretty much hell for me, I'm not good at preparing them and I suck even more at presenting them. Because of my aspergers and ADD I was almost unable to do them, I couldn't study them because of stress, I couldn't present them right, I didn't know my text, I would freeze every minute, I would mumble garbage, I would pretty much just read it off my paper and I would make a gigantic fool out of myself in front of the class. As I already had big self-esteem problems this would pretty much make my self-esteem drop to 0.
Anyways even though I was having a lot of stress there was this girl in my class that made everything right. She was really beautiful but I didn't think I would have much contact with her, after a while I realized she took the same train and the same bus as me. So she kinda started talking to me, mostly in class but also outside of class seeing as we both went the same route. After a couple of days I started to sit next to her and her friend in the train and in the bus so that was kinda nice, I knew though that she wouldn't really want anything with me romantically so I guess friends was enough. Weirdly enough she was kinda into me(not romantically, she had a BF) she would try and talk a lot with me and touch me once in a while. It was kinda weird for me because I never got attention from a girl before this, I could barely even talk to girls. I never understood if she got that or not but whatever, she kept talking to me and eventually I guess I kinda grew out of that shy with women phase. If I could talk to this hot chick I could talk to any girl.
Anyway she pretty much made my day right, even though I was having a lot of stress and sucking at presentations, as long as I could see her, talk to her and sit next to her in class it was alright. I felt like I could handle all that stress.
After 3 months her friend left to do something else so from that point on it was just her and me. From that point I was getting really infatuated with her, I would see her all day long and I even would even take her to school in my car seeing as she lived in the neighboring village. I would pretty much be 50 cm from her all day long. We got through our first year but then she said she wanted to stop and do something else with her life. I was pretty sad, I think I even cried once, I had it pretty rough during the school break.
Anyway I tried the second year, there were some other guys as well I could talk to. After I while though I realized I wouldn't make it past this year, there were even more presentations and I just couldn't handle all that stress. Whenever I went to school alone I was pretty sad as well, I could only think about that girl. I started skipping classes a lot and after a while I just gave up. I realized the stress would kill me. I tried doing another degree (marketing) while thinking that I would grow out of all this but I realized that with my aspergers and add it wouldn't work, so I stopped with those classes as well.
Now I've been home for 6 months and I haven't done anything yet. I'm 100% sure I'm not going to school anymore because I just can't handle all those presentations. I wanted to go to work but now I'm here at home for so long doing nothing because I'm afraid of going to work and because of realizing I'm just not strong enough to go work. I don't feel like I can handle it. I also feel I wouldn't get anywhere without a diploma. All I want to do is play video games, being on my PC and smoking joints in the weekends with my friends.
What do you guys think, am I giving up to soon? I've thought about doing evening school but I'm not sure if that's going to get me anywhere if I don't get a diploma for it. I'm really confused.
22 Nov 2010, 6:41 pm
