Pointers about office life

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Since AS people often have to memorize things for social situations, I thought I could help everyone out with some pointers to survive in an office environment as an aspie.

The Effort Principle

Your idea of what hard work is will be a lot different than everybody else’s. You just have to learn how to adjust to this.
Office people often do not want to be bothered. They are usually playing Solitaire or otherwise putzing around on the computer. Even filling out a form will get on their nerves. To them this is “hard work”.
I know this seems asinine, but you just have to deal with it and learn to laugh at it.

E-mail Etiquette
All e-mails should begin with “good morning” or good afternoon. Terse e-mails do not help you! End your e-mails with “Have a great day!” or something pleasant like that. Corporate security types often look for e-mails that suddenly change demeanor from one to the other. To them it means the employee is unstable (even if you are an AS). Your e-mails must be pleasant without fail!

"Jesus is coming...So Look Busy!"
Looking busy is an important part of your office survival skill set. Here are some basic principles to keep in mind.

Keep your desk cluttered
o This makes it look like you are always working
The NT mind can only focus on one thing at a time.
• Don’t let your supervisor’s mind focus on you!
• If your desk is clean, the focus is put on you. You do not want that.
o Print out lots of charts and post them on the wall of your cubicle. It creates more things the brain of an observer has to process.
• Always carry something work-related with you.
o When you are walking to the bathroom, the copier, or the kitchen, always carry some sort of work-related packet with you. It makes you look like you are in and out of meetings.

The Bathroom is your friend
At the office, the bathroom is the one place where you can be away from work and not be questioned for it.
Drink lots and lots of water every day. The 1 liter water bottle is so that you do not have to keep getting up to go to the water cooler. Even the dimmest of managers know about wasting time by chatting at the water cooler.
I have gotten to a point where I can get about 6-8 bathroom breaks a day from just drinking water. Each bathroom break is about 5-10 minutes. That adds up to about 30 to 60 minutes out of your day.
This does not even take “dookie breaks” into account. A good number two can cut about 30 minutes out of your day. There is a procedure for using a number two break to cut time out of your day.
1. Find a good toilet
a. I like bathrooms that are as far away from your desk as possible. This allows you to burn up more time.
b. Try to figure out when the janitor cleans the bathrooms
i. This allows you to sit down on a clean toilet
2. Wet a bunch of paper towels.
a. Place the paper towels on the toilet paper dispenser.
3. Clean the toilet seat off
a. Hand sanitizer is very good for this.
4. Place a seat cover on the toilet seat
5. Hang up your pants and shirt
a. This adds more time to your bathroom ritual
6. Keep your shoes on!
a. Wipe off the floor by the toilet as well
7. Wipe well!
a. A stinky ass will not help you!
8. Get dressed slowly.
9. Wash hands
a. I should not have to tell you this you filthy urchin!
10. Walk slowly back to your desk
a. Eat up as much of that clock as possible!
b. Take a long and circuitous route back to your desk.
There you have it. You have just spent about 35 minutes or so taking a dump. If you are lucky you might get to do it twice in one day.

Be sure to keep your water bottle in a somewhat hidden position. This prevents coworkers from getting suspicious. It is unlikely that you will be questioned about going to the restroom so much. If you are questioned about it just say in a somewhat nervous and flustered voice that you “have a medical condition” that you “would prefer to not talk about”. They will back off from their questioning.

My only caveat about drinking water is that you should stop about an hour before you can go home. Having to rush home to the bathroom can cloud your judgment and hurt like hell sometimes.

The fiber pills run on a 6+ hour delay, so be sure to take them at a time when having to hit the bathroom will affect your morning routine.

Open Area Work Environments
I absolutely hate open work areas. This kind of office really proves the saying “familiarity breeds contempt”. If you can, try to avoid these offices like the plague. If you are stuck in one of these, try to make the best of it with these tips.
• If you wear cologne, make it very light and non-intrusive
o Your goal is be unnoticed.

• Bathe every morning.
o I should not have to tell you this!

• Wear comfortable shoes.
o Lots of people take their shoes off under their desks during the day.
Lots of people don’t realize their feet stink! So wear shoes that you can keep on all day.
• Invest in headphones to cut down on the noise

• Turn your cell off or keep it on vibrate during the day.

• Keep personal desktop pictures (on your computer) innocuous and non-offensive

• Make sure that your computer “locks” when you are not at it
o People will f**k with your computer or threaten to.
o Who needs the extra stress?

• Don’t use instant messenger during the day to talk to friends and family
o No brainer here.

• Don’t yell across the room at someone even though it is tempting to do.
o Get up and walk to their desk if you need to talk to them.

• Invest in an Ipod.
o No one but you should hear the music!
• Don’t ever sing along with what is on your Ipod

• If you are going out for lunch occasionally offer to bring something back.

• DO NOT EAT at your desk!
o This will not help you.
o It only gives your coworkers ammunition to dislike you if you like food that has a strong aroma.
o It is visually unappealing.
o Coworkers will complain if you used a metal knife to cut your food.
o NTs are quite the fearful bunch since they often don't look for details and fill in the blanks quickly. Don't give them anything to fill in the blanks with.

Advice for Managers

Here are some tips for you as well.

• Your job should not be your identity!
o If there was a zombie apocalypse, do you think your precious title of Metrics Analysis Supervisor will mean a thing?

• Cubicles are a good thing. Open area offices are a horrible idea.
o Seriously, the element of separation keeps employees from getting on each others’ nerves. “Good fences make good neighbors”.
o Familiarity breeds contempt.

• Peer QA is a horrible idea.
o Don’t ever have coworkers grading each others work.
This is wide open for abuse, sabotage, and conflict.
• Some coworkers will whip through while others will nitpick.

• Explain your metrics!
o It is your responsibility as a manager to explain how you grade performance.
o This gives the employee an idea of what to expect.

• Good coffee goes a long way
o If an office has bad coffee or the higher-ups get better coffee, it tells those lower in the hierarchy that you don’t give a s**t. So why should they give a s**t?

• Don’t curse every third word!
o It is what social artists call “try hard”. It makes you seem like you are trying to be as young as your subordinates. They will not appreciate it.
o Did I mention it looks unprofessional?

interesting read. thanks!

Great stuff, and so true! After 25 years in offices, may I make my contribution?

"Smile!" all the time, for no reason, till your face hurts.
Say "Good moring!" as if you're surprised to see them there.
Say "Good night!" as if you think they're leaving on a world tour.

Types of Supervisors

Pretty Young Female
These are my absolute favorite to work with! They don’t feel threatened if you can work fast and they are just happy to have someone aboard who is doing their job.
You get extra points if they have a young child. Their head will be elsewhere on their other tasks during the day and not focused on you. Showing you care by asking them how their kids are doing is always a plus.

White Male Supervisor
These are the most difficult to survive under since you have to both do your job but not do it too well. These people do not often have an identity outside of their job. This is especially true if they are single and have no kids. Then that pseudo alpha-male crap kicks in and he feels threatened by you if he thinks you are more educated or more intelligent than he is.

If they have kids they are likely to go a easier on you since the job is not as much a part of their identity.
If their perception of you has a single negative to it, then they will not hesitate to fire you. This is why you need to minimize your interaction with them. Your best bet is to stay out of their line of sight and let them come to you with tasks. Try to limit how much you have to speak to them. It allows you to shape their perception of you.

Black Male Supervisor
His main motivation is that he simply wants to keep up appearances. So don’t f**k up.

You’re in trouble with him if you piss off any of the other blacks in the office. I learned this the hard way.

If you have any great ideas on how to improve operations, keep them to yourself. He really doesn’t give a s**t and is only there to collect a paycheck.

So remain invisible in your dealings with him much like you would be with the white male supervisor.

Asian Males (NonAmerican)
I find that I get along really well with them. I think the whole "stranger in a strange land" is something we relate well.

Asian females (NonAmerican)
I always get along well with them. They don't do much on the petty office politics BS. Which is nice.

Ethiopians

I get along well with them. Never had any problems

Pakistanis and Indians (NonAmerican)

I get along really well with them. "Stranger in a strange land" thing comes to mind. It also helps that I know a decent amount about the culture and I am not one those ignorant Americans who thinks they are all "AY-RABBBS". If you share food with them at lunch, it is like instant friendship. They are usually quiet and keep their heads (just like you should be doing!)

Older Black women
Being polite and always willing to lend a hand goes a very long way.