I Need some Advice! I'm so confused...

Post Reply New Topic

Ok, I'll REALLY try not to make this into a novel, but I am long winded, so please bear with me while I try to only give pertinent details...

Situation:
I worked (maybe I still do?) at a real estate brokerage doing accounts payable and 'deals' (the associated legal paperwork when a property is bought or sold). Well, I thought I was doing a good job, and my bosses seemed pleased with my performance, but it was almost daily lately that I would be told of some aspect of my job that I had not been doing. I have to say here that my training for this position was minimal to say the least, but I was really trying to do my best, and whenever I would learn that there was something else to do, I would try really hard to make myself remember, etc. But, my female boss (let's call her F) knew that I was struggling, and for the first time in my working life, I was actually really upfront and honest about my limitations (even though at the time I didn't quite understand all of my differences), as I loved my job and wanted to stay there forever. So, F was understanding, and she had said that she was going to put me in a position that I would be much more suited to. I was excited, and we started some brief meetings about the scope of work and such...

So, here I was, excited to have a more suitable position in the team, and she kept saying things like 'working in the background', behind the scenes doing research, composing email communication and maintaining the client's information...sounds like a dream come true!! !! What happened? I had the day off of Dec. 13, but F asked me to come in for a meeting, which I gladly did. Then, all hell broke loose, and I have no idea what exactly happened here.

It came to light that I did not inform my other boss (let's call him M) of the arrival of a time-sensitive document, as well as I sent some confidential documents to the wrong lawyer, which I took responsibility for and even tried to correct the error. I was confronted by both of my bosses at the copier, and I felt like I was backed into a corner, and I got scared and started to cry. Normally, I would be able to run up to my office and put myself back together in private, but I happened to be sharing my office that day. She claims that I made her uncomfortable...not sure how. I wasn't bawling my eyes out, I wasn't doing anything, but sitting at my computer and trying to complete my work. Yes, I was crying a little, but mostly just sniffing and trying to stop crying...anyways, I didn't know any of this at the time. I completed my work day, and went home as quickly as possible. I was due to have the next day off and was scheduled to come back on the Wednesday.

The following day I received an email from F stating that I shouldn't come in to work the next day. She said that I had made so many bad mistakes that everyone else had to 'clean up the mess' and such. Basically, she gave me a laundry list of things I had done in error over the course of my beginning that position. In all fairness, she brought up things I didn't even know were part of my job, so I am going to have to pass at least SOME of the responsibility of this on the fact that I was not trained fully, had no clear job description, and was never told what the expectations would be of me....but anyways. I f****d up. I get that.

I sent her a reply and begged her to keep me. I told her that I was sorry that I messed up. I wanted to help fix it. I really beat myself up saying how sorry I was that I couldn't communicate effectively, and basically what a horrible, stupid person I am. I asked her not to take my job from me to which she replied: I'm not the one taking it away from you...what does that mean? I did this to myself?? She also said that she didn't know where I fit into the team anymore, and that the new position that she had for me was way more work, and she doubted that I could handle the workload. Anyways, we exchanged a few more emails, and she told me flat out: don't come back to work until you hear from me. That was last Tuesday. I have stayed silent and hopeful, but the entire time I've been freaking out cuz here it is just before Christmas, I have a baby and a partner that I am supporting on my sh***y income, and I pointed that out in my emails to her (not the sh***y income bit), but obviously she just doesn't give a s**t. (Please pardon my salty language...I'm trying to limit my cusses)

I don't know if I still have a job or not, and I'm terrified to email F and ask. My impression is that she is waiting me out so I quit, so she doesn't have to fire me. She also sent those emails to me as a way of covering the company's ass in case I decide to sue them (I know this because F made me fire someone, and I had to do this too), basically making it sound like I'm a complete moron who couldn't do the job.

Yesterday, we went in and applied for welfare. I feel like I had no other choice. It was humiliating. I told them there that I was let go, because as far as I can see, I was. If they still wanted me as an employee, wouldn't it have made sense to have me come in and at least answer phones while everyone else 'cleaned up my mess'? If I'm too stupid to even answer the phones, then where the hell do I fit in here? And do I really want to continue to work for a company that so clearly has left my family high and dry over the holidays with no money for rent, let alone anything else?

I asked my NT friend (who also works there, I hired her) what she thought, and she said that maybe F was waiting for me to 'fight for my job and prove that I want to be there'...but I feel like I DID do that in my emails to her. I fail to understand what kind of game I am expected to play for this, and it's very stressful and confusing for me, cuz I really don't know what the 'normals' are expecting me to do??? WTF!?!??!?!?!

What should I do??? I want to go in over the weekend to pick up my pay (wow, one day! Merry Christmas family!) and collect my things. It has been killing me to know that for the past 2 weeks, people have been in my office touching my personal things and going thru my private papers and notes...I can't think of anything else! I want my stuff back!! !!

I just don't think I can ever go back there. I trusted all of these people, and I feel completely betrayed by them. I doubt highly I could ever look at F the same way, and I idolized her. Please help me...I don't know what to do or say. If you got to the end of this: kudos to you!

I don't feel its fair that you should be fired over 'responsibilities' you had no idea about. Maybe someone else here knows the legal side of it better than I do, but I would think that violates your rights in some way, you could maybe even sue them

Now, I'm going to add more confusion to the mix...I spoke with my friend, and she did some digging on my behalf. She says that F was planning on contacting me with some new training for me, and she says there's a Christmas gift there for me and everything. She said that everyone was surprised that they hadn't heard from me...I explained to friend that I'm intensely literal, and I was simply doing what I was told which was NOT to come back until I heard from F.

So, now I'm massively confused. I was granted social assistance which is wonderful, but now I don't know what to do about this situation...I don't know if I can go back there. Maybe I'm just being silly and sensitive. I just don't know!

I suppose I will eventually have to talk to F, but I don't know if I should make the first move and send an email, or wait for her as friend believes she will be contacting me soon...

I've been thinking that if I do go back, it will have to be at greatly reduced hours, so likely I will be working and getting assistance. I don't want to leave my safety net in case they do something bad and then I'm left with no money again....if I stay on assistance, then I can focus on finding a diagnosis and learning how to be who I really am without having to worry about the stresses of a job. But, I really did love working at this place, and I so badly want to take care of myself and my family, but I just don't know how.

What would you do in my situation? Would you contact F and ask what's going on, or would you wait for her to make that move? I hate being SO literal and pig-headed!

I think you need to contact F (by phone if you're up to it) and simply explain that you were waiting to hear from her before coming back to work. Then ask when she would like you to come in. Keep it short, simple, and businesslike. Unless she asks why, don't get into "you told me not to come in... " etc. Assume you still work there until they tell you otherwise.

If F says don't come in, or your position has been eliminated, or "we don't have any hours for you" or whatever, then you have your answer.

JSB

Thanks JSB. That sounds pretty reasonable to me...with the exception of the phone part! LOL! I will still have to work my nerve up...

I would advise the same. And in case F says you can come back in, consider talking about your need for feedback. Do not, I repeat do not take any blame. You are not the one to blame. You do not pick up on subtile signs like NT people do. Try to arrange it so that once a week, or maybe even once a day, you have a mini meeting with either your boss or a co-worker, and ask if all is well and ask if there is something you missed. If there is, they have to tell you and you will be able act on it directly. If there isn't they will have to tell you there is nothing to worry about and you did a good job, which is always nice to hear and will keep your confidence high.

There are two main problems here:
- They do not give you feedback on time. (That is like telling a two year old he behaved bad when eating all the christmas cookies last year, and very bad management.) So just ask them for feedback.
- You feel responsible for mistakes that are not yours. Yes, maybe you made the mistakes, but your manager is the one that is responsible, and has to give you the opportunity to do the right thing.

In case you ask for more feedback, be aware this could potentially make things worse, since you are telling your manager that she does a bad job. But still, you need it, so consider this. It might even get worse without trying. Maybe ask your friend / co-worker what she thinks about this.

Thank you so much for your reply Hap! I'm glad I came here to ask for advice...thank you also to JSchoolboy for his advice on the matter. You both have been very helpful/insightful. Sometimes it's hard for me to know what is the 'right' thing to do since most of my instincts appear to be the complete opposite of that!

CinnamonGirl, I think you need to go into work as soon as possible and find out what your current status is. That is, have they fired you or not? If they have fired you, then they should have completed the necessary paperwork and either sent that to you with your belongings, or have you collect it and clean out your office. (Exactly what happens depends on the laws of the country you live in.) If you were not fired, then what worries me is they might try to classify the past several days as an "unexcused absence from work", and use that as the official reason to fire you (which might be easier for them to do than the real reasons). Just in case that is what is happening, when you go to the office, you should bring print outs of your recent e-mail exchange with boss F showing that she told you not to come to work. Also, if you have not been fired, and you do not want to quit, then you might need to cancel your welfare application.

In the meantime, think about whether you really want to continue working there. You do not have to quit right away, but sometimes moving on to a different job is better in the long run.

That was very unprofessional of them. They should have asked to speak with you in private (i.e. in an office with the door closed). Alas, there is nothing you can do about that now.

Anyway, good luck with whatever happens -- I hope things work out for the best.

DO NOT under any circumstances do as JSB and the others say and telephone.

Problems have arisen because they have failed to communicate clearly. Sometimes, they've said one thing, then denied it or done another.

DO NOT put yourself in a situation where it's you at one end of a phone line and them at the other end of the phone line, and if there is any further misunderstanding about what has or hasn't been said, then it boils down what you say versus what they say.

You need to put it in writing, either in email or in a letter.

At the moment, it looks as though they told you to leave 'until further notice', so of course you followed instructions and waited to hear from them. Now they're trying to make it look as though you have gone Absent WithOut Leave and they don't know why you haven't returned to work. It looks as though they are preparing a case to fire you because of the errors and because you suddenly went absence from work.

Are there no law centres or legal advice centres of unions you can turn to for some legal advice?

Wait your an aspie and they are firing you....


I SMELL WRONGFUL TERMINATION SUIT


JUST GET A LAWER KEEP ALL CONVERSATIONS CALL THE ACLU... GET READY TO NOT NEET TO WORK FOR A BIT.. IF YOUR NOT FORED ITS ABUSE...IF YOU ARE...ITS ABUSE


DO NOT CALL

ONLY WRITE BE VERY SPECIFIC WITH YOUR WORDS
ASK FOR A CLARIFICATION AND REASONING AS TO YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYMENT STATUS


IF YOU WANT TO BE A HARD NOSE HAVE YOUR LEGAL CONSUL DO SO

GET A LAWER THIS SAYS GET READY SUCKA, MAKE SURE YOU GET A SENIOR PARTNER OF THE FIRM AND MAKE SURE THAT THIS IS A CLEAR WRITTEN AGREEMENT WITH YOUR LAWER.

FYI I WOULD CONSULT A LAWER BEFORE I SAID ANYTHING. THEY MAY OFFER TO CALL YOUR BOSS FOR YOU!


BRING OUT DA BIG GUNS BABE!! !!

What has worked for me in the past in situations like this is to attack the problem head on. When I am under stress, I find that it helps to make an effort subdue my emotions and to solve the problem in a direct and unemotional manner. Write down a few very direct, unambiguous questions about what she needs from you and approach it in the spirit "how do we best solve this problem?"

I have gotten into a habit of asking my boss if there is anything I have missed that needs to be done or if there is anything coming up that I should prepare for. He usually seems a bit surprised and unsure what to tell me, but it puts me in the position of being the one who is more concerned about making sure the work gets done. I guess it's a sort of pre-emptive problem solving. It doesn't always mean I don't screw up, but it helps.

It may be that your boss isn't quite sure how to behave in this circumstance and is just making it up as she goes along. It might be helpful, and she might appreciate it, if you take the initiative and tell her that you understand that there are problems, but you want to work with her to get to the root of them and to make sure that things can be made to work better. It is quite possible that F feels that she over reacted and now doesn't quite know how to fix the problem. If you can set aside your emotions and just treat it as a work problem that came up and needs fixing, you might be able to diffuse the tension and get back to a good working relationship.

Good luck.

Oh boy! This is definitely a sh***y situation to find myself in. My poor head feels like it's spinning. Fortunately for me, this is a holiday as well as a weekend, so I've not done anything as of yet. Perhaps it would be a good idea to call first thing in the morning to the labour board and ask for some advice. I can't believe I never even thought of that! Thanks English Lulu and notcoyote for suggesting that to me.

Jagtai, thanks also for your reply. I am afraid that your suggestion may not work out, as I work for a small business and F is frequently out of the office (sometimes for days), and so waiting for her to review my work really wouldn't work in this instance, and I'm pretty sure that if I asked for something like that, she'd simply say that if I couldn't handle the position, then maybe the job 'isn't the right fit for you' (I've heard that one from her before)...but with that being said, your suggestion is good, and has the potential to work out, but I guess I'll just have to call the labour board tomorrow, ask them their opinion, and then take all this advice and see which would be the best solution for me.

I hate this...if I was able to afford a lawyer to sue all the previous employers who've screwed me over in one way or another, I'd be f'n rich! It's disgusting how I've been treated in 'the working world' and I've not been able to defend myself against it...and unfortunately, history has repeated itself in EVERY job I've had. But, I guess that's another story altogether. I was really hoping that by going back to work in a mostly female environment that I could certainly avoid the sexual assaults that I've experienced at workplaces, but this is just as bad if u ask me, cuz I really struggle to communicate with other women, and this almost seems like psychological warfare (a bit melodramatic perhaps)...

thanks everyone.