The stress is the killer, isn't it?

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My AS husband is about to quit another job. He just can't handle it. There is always something. If a job is easy, it's a dead end and he's bored. If it's not easy he can't handle the stress. So finally, after years of wishing he could do something different, he gets the kind of job he thought he really wanted. 3 years in, and he's breaking. It's quit or get fired. I should see it coming, but I'm still never ready for it. What a conundrum. To have so much talent, yet so much difficulty applying it in the real world. I love him to death, but I can't fix it, and the stress on me is huge. I'll have to take a full time job myself, and I'm not sure the kids are ready for that, and my other ducks aren't lined up well enough for that transition to go smoothly. Looking towards the future, I also wish I knew how to make it better for our son, but who knows if we'll be able to improve the end result.

Not looking for answers or advice. Just ... I know a bunch of you can relate. Sometimes it's just good to feel less alone.

My wives have known your trouble ...

>> ... he is about to quit another job.

Any time I ever came home early on any workday, my first wife would just automatically go to the couch and being crying as I came through the door.

>> ... after years of wishing he could do something different, he gets the kind of job he thought he really wanted ...

... and I ended up actually burning that place down in an effort to tell the world I would take no more of its abuse.

>> What a conundrum. To have so much talent, yet so much difficulty applying it in the real world.

Yes.

>> Not looking for answers or advice. Just ... I know a bunch of you can relate.

I wish I knew some way to make things better for all of us.

I'm in the same boat too. I HATE my job because of all the stress. My boss is the definition of the backside of a horse. This time of year things are the craziest, & I have all kinds of responsibilities no one else does. I have given up lunch & breaks....haven't had one for months. Yes, it's illegal, but with the lack of available jobs, made more difficult if you have a condition which affects your ability to perform, it's the only way I can keep up with the work load. My boss doesn't get it. I started having chest pains in Oct. I've also taken on the roll of counselor for my dad. My mom had been in declining health for several years. I made the mistake of calling my boss because I had to drop everything to be by my dad's side while mom was dying. My boss actually asked me "how long it was going to take for her to pass on...days or months." She just passed away in mid Nov. No time to grieve, that has to wait until Jan when things at work calm down. When I got back at work on Monday morning, my boss asked me how my mom was. I so wish I could quit my job. I'm literally sick of the stress, & I'm also sick of working for a jerk. If only I could get a formal diagnosis maybe then things would be better.

Been down that road myself. I wish I knew the answer myself.

in nearly all the places i've had to toil, the definitive cure for stress was denied me. so i just had to withstand it, and my poor body paid the price. now that i've been free of that kind of rat-race stress my health has vastly improved. but sometimes there is just no refuge from this life. to the OP, i would bet your hubby feels trapped between a rock and a hard place. he is the breadwinner but he can't help feeling that everything in the working world is stacked against him in this task. i pray for both of you, that he doesn't break, and that you can find peace somehow in your situation.

I've started out with the feelers to see what jobs I might be able to get and what they would pay me. It's hard because I've been off the career path for so long, but I guess it's time to flips things. I'll just miss the kids so much, and vice-a-versa. But he's actually better with the housework than I am, being one of those "everything in it's place" Aspies, and me being the one with the glaring holes in executive function. IF I can find a job that pays well enough and won't take 80 hours a week, which is a pretty giant if, it might work out. Just wasn't mentally ready for that shift, and there are quite a few volunteer jobs I'll have to leave at a most inconvenient time.

gosh, i hope this new way works out for you both. if he is happy and effective as a househusband, and you can find a renumerative job that is at least tolerable and well-paid, that would be win-win AFAIC.

All big 'If's." But, when we got engaged I actually had the better career on many levels (pay, how much I liked it, upward mobility, etc). But time, kids and life takes it toll and it's hard to go back.

I'm meeting with one of the firms I've been consulting with off and on tomorrow, to see if they would want to take me on full time. Not a perfect fit as far work v. my skills, but we get along really well and know each other's strengths and weaknesses. But I could be too late; he may have already arranged his new full time hires.

I'll talk to another one next week.

And a few other calls have been made. I have had the good fortune of not having burned any of my bridges. The trick is to leave before you crack, to know the signs.

If we can get dh out in time, he'll hopefully keep his bridge in tact, as well. But it's going to be tough; I'd really like him to hang in until the annual bonus is paid, but he's worried he's going to crack and do something drastic first. I've left that to his judgment, but he knows I'd really like for us to see that check. It could carry us quite a few months, and we might need it because I doubt I can go back in at what he's been making.

What does AFAIC stand for?

"As far as I see", I think.

Thanks!

Sorry to hear you've had so much frustration in your working life. I guess it comes with the territory ... if you're the founder of Facebook you can pass all the stuff you don't want to deal with onto someone else, but how many people get that lucky? That is what I dream of for my son, however, that he invents something big enough to live off of, and doesn't have to worry about holding a job. But ... knowing him, he'll be the guy who sells out too early or doesn't get the contract, like so many inventors who never made a dime. Well ... he's says he'll be totally happy that way, he'll just be thrilled if he invents something people want. Not a bad dream, eh? But all still a dream ...

My husband thought he'd get to do some real product development at this job but there has never been time for it. Other employees get to do it because they aren't considered as "critical" to the liability stuff, but who WANTS to be the only one standing between a company and a lawsuit? Yeah, perfect for an Aspie, isn't it? <sarcasm> He's got a few fun days coming up tomorrow and the next day if he can get through today without cracking.

It looks like I can cut a deal with the firm I talked to today. That is a huge relief. I'm still totally fretting the transition, and we'll be taking a pretty big cut as a family, but the mortgage will get paid and we'll have health insurance. Giving it a week to see what else is out there and for the boss to make sure he is good with it, and then we'll probably set. I guess this is why I've paid the miserable balancing act with doing a little consulting here and there all these years: a job when I need one. I'm really grateful to have contacts like that - but I wouldn't have them if I hadn't paid my dues, and I've noticed on this board how hard getting through the dues years is for so many Aspies ...

Thanks, guys, for your input and just being there as I "talk" it all out.

Have you considered putting him on adderall? It works wonders.

As Far As I'm Concerned

the impenetrable web of social interaction is the killer for me but general stress will do me in almost as fast.

I can't say that *I* can put him on anything and, no, I don't think he'd go for it. Does leave me wondering if it could make him happier, though ... still, not my decision, and not something that is really mine to bring up, either.

Adderall XR kicks ass on many levels. It would probably make him happier. Dirt cheap with insurance too. It basically gives you a major leg up.

As for being an Aspie among office monkeys, think Dexter Season 1 Episode 1 (bringing in donuts or cookies included) for how to act.

YOU SHOULD BRING IT UP!

You are in the same boat with him, marriage means shared finances last time I checked.

Adderall is not going to fix a job you don't like. Being in a job you don't like and are not a good fit for will not be fixed by an antidepressant.