AS Husband stuck in job he hates

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I've lurked here for a while, but am finally posting. Be gentle.

So my husband has AS. He's having something of a mid-life crisis right now, and I'm at a loss as to how to help him. He's been in the tech field for a decade or more, and is decent at his job, but it's not fulfilling to him. The problem is that, due to our financial situation, he's stuck.

I make a sizeable amount more than he does, and I've been with my (sort of specialized) organization for almost 10 years. We both agree that it doesn't make sense for me to go anywhere.

We've got one kid in daycare and another (surprise) baby on the way. Daycare's expensive as hell. After I go back to work after maternity leave, he'll basically be working so we can pay for daycare. (He would lose his mind being home with two small kids - I floated that option already.)

That means that (assuming our circumstances remain pretty much the same) we have about 5 years left before he can go off and pursue his obsession. We're planning to start our own business at that point - a dream that we've been positioning ourselves for, something that I truly believe will make him happy for the rest of his life. Because we'll have the kids in public school, we'll be free to have him make NO money for as long as it takes for him to get off the ground. I have no doubt in my mind that he'll make it work - and neither do any of the people in our lives. He's MADE for it, but it's not something we afford to go broke for in the meantime.

It's that in-the-meantime part that's killing him. We were a year away from him pursuing his dream, and then oops baby came along. Don't get me wrong, he wanted another kid more than I did....but it's finally sunk in that it means another four years or so of working in a field he doesn't love. We're still young, early 30s, so we've got the time...but yeah.

It's like he has his special interest, he spends as much time on it as he can, he's damn good at it....but it's just killing him that he can't do it full time right NOW. My brain doesn't work this way - I'm not looking for this deep sense of personal fulfillment from my job. I'm happy that I make good money and have health insurance. If I don't hate my life for 8 hours a day, that's good enough for me.

I don't know how to support him in the meantime. We've explored so many options, and we just don't see how we can do this until daycare's not eating into our budget. Logically, he understands we have to wait (at least unless something changes), but I think he's becoming somewhat depressed about the whole thing.

I don't know how to help him.

Hi, Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Okay, so the challenge is something that will help the here and now? I'll put on my thinking cap and try and come up with something.

Thanks! Something that can help him cope for the next five years. I'm afraid he's already sinking into depression. I feel so helpless.

Is there any way he can start to indulge his obsession on a part-time basis now?

Well, kind of. It's cooking. He's a fantastic cook - fascinated with the science behind the food, able to make miracles out of practically nothing, known among our friends and family as THE guy you want cooking at your event, that type of thing. Our dream is to open a sandwich shop, maybe starting with a food truck. He cooks constantly, watches every cooking show, is forever studying/trying new foods....it's a classic AS special interest.

He wants to attend this awesome cooking school in our area - especially to learn more about the business side of things - but it's only daytime. With a food truck, which we could afford right away actually, the market in our city is really during the week - your 9-5ers downtown. (He's researched this extensively.)

He's not interested in working as, say, a bartender at nights while going to school during the day - he couldn't stand being away from the kids so much, etc. Same thing with working at a restaurant for the time being - he's done this in the past, and it involves lots of nights/weekends. He's an awesome dad and doesn't want to miss out. So a lot of it is the logistics of the situation....he can't be in two places at once during the days.

But also the $$....This is a risky business. In 5 years, we can afford to bleed money for a while, give it a real go. Everyone who knows him thinks this is THE thing for him to do. He'll be fantastic at it. But for the first few years, his income may be zero or negative...that's just how it goes.

tl; dr - He's doing what he can now. But basically, it's like this existential crisis for him....he adds up the hours spent at his (pretty low-key, decent) job and counts them as life down the drain. He's completely frustrated that he can't pursue his special interest - he NEEDS that, in a way that I don't.

First off, Congrats on the upcoming baby. That sounds wonderful.

And your husband does know in his gut that the success of a restaurant has at least as much to do with demographics and traffic patterns as with quality of food, right?

So, he wants to go back to school. Nothing wrong with that, but this just isn't the time. And to learn another aspect, the business side, and to potentially have colleagues in fellow students much more so than something like a once-a-month professional association. Still, just not the time.

I did think of something to give your husband one more good option. He could take his time and pick his own terms, looking for a job as a chef, with the proviso that he's a family man and just doesn't work the night shift. And he's looking for a job with substantial informal credentials but not many formal. Maybe over time he could take pictures of his creations thereby building up a portfolio? If he goes this route, will still take a while to find a good position.

So an update...after reading your comment about focusing on daytime stuff and accepting the reality of being a family man.we talked about this more last night, and I think he kind of got unstuck. He had his mind made up on the daytime classes, but I think he finally realized that he might need to get a little more creative. I got up at 7am and he's already online, researching online hospitality programs through the state university system. He found something he's super excited about!! ! His gen ed credits from his first degree will transfer and he'd be 1/3 of the way to a bachelor's degree in a field he actually cares about.

Plus, it would prepare him for working for somebody else - cuz your comments about the volatility of this business are 100% true and it's always good to have a backup plan. This would also be something for him to DO in the years between now and freedom from daycare bills. I think it's an awesome idea...going to call and get him talking to an admissions counselor on Monday. He needs more of the business education than the culinary education anyways.

I am sure the combo of work and school will be more stress for him, so we'll take that as it comes. He saw me work FT and get my BA and MS, so he knows what kind of time commitment he's in for. I'm at a point in my life/career where I can totally pick up the slack now and help him the way he helped me during school, which feels really good. I haven't seen him this happy for months...he really gets stuck in certain thought patterns, but sometimes a good reality check - thinking about constraints realistically and starting from there - really helps. Thank you!!

How about a side catering business? That way he can book his own clients and work where he chooses. My older daughter is going to culinary school now and she's starting her second year this fall. When she finished she's going to go back and take a second degree in pastry arts so it will be a while before she's out. She wants to be a pastry chef but you can't just get the pastry arts degree you have to get the basic culinary degree first. Meanwhile there are no jobs in town and she wants to make some money. Financial aid and scholarships pay for school but she has no spending cash really. This is what she's doing. Her specialty is cakes and cake decorating (she's taken other classes for that and she's already really good) so I'm going to explain how she's doing this about cakes and he can just do the same thing but with whatever his specialty is.

When she decided to do this she was already known as the go to girl for cakes, like your DH is known as the go to guy for other food. She started telling her friends that if they wanted a cake for an event she would gladly make them one for just the ingredients and maybe $20 for her time. She would make the cake and usually go to the event but if she didn't go they would make sure people knew who made it. She makes professional looking, beautiful stuff already and people thought the cakes came from a specialty shop, not somewhere like Wal Mart or something. She also got some plain printer business cards at Wal Mart and printed up some business cards on the computer. She sends about 15 or so with each cake and they are on the table by the cake for people to take. From there, other people started calling her for cakes and she makes them but charges them more. The friends who got her started she charged hardly anything - some she only charged for ingredients.

Then she made a facebook page about it and with pictures of many of the cakes and information about what she does. She got her friends to get on it and to suggest it to others, who liked it and post comments when she posts something.

She also wanted to widen her customer base. We live in a very small rural town, so she could do this here but I'm sure he could think of something equivilant where ya'll live. There is an empty building next to the grocery store where people set up yard sales in weekends almost every weekend. Lots of people come by. You do not have to have a permit or anything. She made cupcakes, cookies, lots of little things and wrapped them and set up a table there. She had her cake album with pictures and the cupcakes were specialty ones. She put out her business cards and she also had several different cakes that weren't decorated fancy, but decorated and had just basically buttercream icing. Those she would cut and hand out a piece free on a little paper plate with fork and napkin for people to try. She would sell the cupcakes and cookies and other things. She's gotten business from there too.

This year when football season starts she's going to make cupcakes with the high school colors on and take them to the office and sell them there and also have some pictures of football theme cakes with the school colors and also Alabama or Auburn colors to leave there with her cards so people can place orders.

Your DH could do something like that. He could start with offering to cater things for friends for ingredients only and print cards. Then he could talk to people who contact him and book events and set up his own schedule. I don't know where you live or what size area you live in, but there are lots of places he could cook things and set up a free sample table and hand out samples with his business card.

Yes, it takes time and effort, but it's a lot less than a food truck to start and he could put only as much time into it as he wants to right now. Plus, with something like this he won't have to be ServeSafe certified, although she already is from school. As long as it's like this you don't have to have a business license. As long as you don't actually advertise, it's not really anything you could get in trouble for.

Hope this helps.

I get bored with jobs. I like it at first but then once the newness has gone I find it hard to stick at it, so I either get fired or leave or just skive every day like I have done this week. Tut tut

You're very welcome. and glad I was able to help.

So, it sounds like your husband has an open field. That's a very good thing. And even online, there might be a fair amount of interaction with fellow students. I remember hearing about one class where the professor required you to post at least three times a week on the discussion board.

At age 50, I'm thinking I might need more adventures and adventures I can look forward to.

And if you have the time, perhaps you could share some tips for how you successfully got your degrees while working? although it might be different for Aspies.

With his AS, I'd suggest one of those "vocation vacation" deals where he spends a week or two (of his vacation time) working in a capacity where he's involved in both the cooking and catering side of things.

Granted, a food truck is less headache, but a catering business involves dealing well with customers (and they can be the headache).

You can love something but hate it at the same time. Cooking is one thing. Being a head chef, running a restaurant or catering business is something entirely different.

I enjoy motorcycles, but when I thought of being a motorcycle mechanic, people told me that many NT people who do that wind up hating what they once loved. Not everyone enjoys turning their passion into a paycheck because you have to deal with all the negative stuff that comes with it.