please share your experiences/mistakes: mine was bad

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I'm sorry if this post is rambling. I'm emotional and confused. I can't sort out the day last week.

Okay, so call me stupid? No please don't call me stupid!! !! ! Well, I suppose what I did was stupid.

Anyway, I'm posting here because I need help before I have to find another job. Due to inappropriate comments at work or on facebook or where ever.

We were talking about sex . . . .

at work . . .

this alone would normally raise a red flag for anyone else . . . ummm except me. Until, of course, the avoidance and the ignoring began and then I realized something went terribly wrong.

I don't think I started the sex conversations. I did participate. It was an interesting conversation and people seem to be sharing and so did I . Not realizing that there maybe some hidden cues or something in these conversations because, everything seemed to be okay. (Which hindsight being 20/20, that was probably my second mistake.)

The problem is that someone made a "crazy comment" and when I didn't immediately respond, he said, "nevermind, tmi." The comment was sexual in nature and I was still thinking about how to respond to what he said. Sooooo, I walked away.

However, and unfortunately, since I know the person is on facebook, I took the time to "share" my response. I was blatantly honest. (Apparently, he didn't care for my response and did not respond at all via facebook or otherwise. He said hello by waving at work. I informed him that I hadn't heard back from him so I waved and walked away - I think.) Anyway, I ran into this person again the same night and ignored him.

I was never trying to "hit on" this person and he doesn't like me that way at all (he's made that clear)! !! !! Even if he did, I'm married to someone else and was just thinking that everyone had been having a fun time with the conversations. I thought we were casual friends. Nothing intense or weird . . . (I'm now losing count at which mistake this thought might have been.)

Now, I believe that the best thing I can do, is to let the conversation and friendship drop. But to still be nice and polite or professional. Heck, I'm still not too sure what word means either. So many rules and everyone seems to define that word differently too. (well at least their actions define the word differently.) At any rate, I won't be dumping my workload on him or anyone else. I usually don't anyway. I thought we were just having a casual conversation. I guess not. I think there was a rule or something that I broke by responding the way that I did.

I thought my response was tactful and polite (mistake 59? I wonder . . . I have absolutely no idea.)

I didn't realize that people would judge me or look at me this differently, if I let myself open up. I can now recall people telling me not to open myself up too much. Maybe this is what they meant . . . I'm not to sure.

All I know is that 1 person walked away and is now ignoring me, another person has said that I have exponentially slid down hill. I never really slid anywhere. I grew personally in my sexual life and I apparently made the mistake of sharing. I also have had alot of stress and been blowing off the stress by being brutally honest with my thoughts. The stress has been bad!! !! ! Really really bad. Even some of the counselors said, I was doing pretty good.

I'm mad and hurt. Mad at myself for opening up at work. Mad at the people I thought were my friends, but who apparently see me differently now - which I don't understand. Hurt, cause, I realize again, that I need to be cautious. Really, really cautious with my heart, thoughts etc. I can't be open. I feel like I need to hide. I've always had to hide or not been accepted before so this shouldn't be too much different. But it still hurts.

I just don't understand.
I feel like i need to stuff my thoughts and my personality deep down in my soul again. I guess this isn't true, even if I think that I am safe with friends. Even if I don't bring up the conversations, I will be sure to try to only talk about work related stuff or about my kids activities. What safe topics do you talk about when at work?

What have been your experiences/mistakes and how have you worked through them? Please do share. I feel yucky right about now.

Last edited by Whispering on 25 Jul 2011, 7:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sounds like they wanted you to open up to see who you were because they were to self conscious. Seems like something that goes around everywhere. Seemed like when I cam in strong it worked out good at this one place I worked at. Seemed like genuinely nice people. When I quit they didn't want me to quit.

I made similar mistakes at work when everyone was playing around. I didn]t tell any personal stories but I started making puns that were suggestive in nature (I love puns). Anyway, it seems that one of my male coworkers started becoming interested in me and was trying to get me to go out with him. They all knew I was engaged; why would he do that?

Anyway, he came in upset the next day. Apparently he'd subtly invited me on a date and I "stood him up." Nothing was the same at work after that, and eventually the job ended and I got a job somewhere else.

A good rule would be just don't talk about sex at work unless it comes up in a job-related context. Don't joke about it. Don't be suggestive. Being taken for a prude is better in some jobs than to be mistaken for being more sexual than you are. It depends on the rules of your workplace, most of which are unspoken and not in the policy printed on paper.

thanks for the replies. I think you're correct. regarding the prude statement. It all depends on who I work with regarding the "social rules". I think it will be better if I focus conversations on work, baking, sewing, and parenting just to stay safe. In years past, these are the topics that I typically stayed with when chit chatting. However, I switched from days to nights. With the schedule shift comes different rules, but, I think I will need to keep the same personal rules for myself. No one gets offended and I don't hurt myself or anyone else.

Any other ideas would be helpful. And thank you for sharing your experiences. I am appreciative.

Ya, my rule is not to talk about sex at work. If I should ever feel I have to break this rule, the rule is that the persons hearing it must all be of the same gender as myself.

I'm a guy though, so I worry less about giving people the wrong idea and more about being accused of harrassment.

This really isn't related to the workplace, but it pertains to the subject non the less. My eldest step brother has a girlfriend my age, and I caught her staring at the outline of my penis more than once (it's kind of hard to hide that beast.) From her interactions with me I was under the impression that she was interested (maybe I was wrong?) Anyways, I sent her a message on facebook saying that I think she is very pretty, and I am attracted to her, but as long as she is with my brother nothing will happen between us. I also said that I love my brother very much.
She forwarded this message to everyone I know practically, and I suppose they extrapolated some meaning which I had not intended because it was referred to as a love letter. This wasn't a huge deal, but it got worse. You know how people gossip, or maybe you don't, anyways it had gotten to my other step brother. long story short I had a diamond ring cut open my lip, lost any respect I may have had for my youngest step brother and his now wife, and was left with blood stained cloths and a 600 dollar medical bill. He then proceeded to try and make it look like it was my fault, and told everyone I ran around with my clothes off and broke his chair. He even went as far as to scatter my clothes on the ground. It's funny that my shoes were right where I had put, it's also funny that my family believed his story. It's sad how they lie and turn everyone against me because they refuse to own up to their own actions. Yeah, I'm the bad guy, whatever makes you sleep at night, just leave me the *&^* alone you lying, manipulative, and wanton reticules of hate and prejudice. Why can't they just stop this? I can't take much more.

I've experienced this one more than a few times... it's a combination of my love of wordplay and my tendency to stare at people too directly in their eyes for too long (overcompensating for not being comfortable looking people in the eye, so, rather than staring at the wall or floor, I force myself to look at people... but, yeah, evidently, it's sometimes overkill), or heck, staring at something like someone's hair or item of clothing because I think I like the look of the texture.

Evidently, all of that is often misconstrued for being interested in someone. It always takes me awhile to realize what conclusion the other person has jumped to, then trying to be as not-awkward as possible when correcting the mistaken assumption. ~sighs~

When I was a PhD student my supervisor was busy and told me to email and the way he phrased it I thought I had to email an academic to ask for help. He got annoyed as he meant email him and this was a competitor and he said if I'd asked anyone they would have told me. I didn't question his advice though as he was in a position of power.

I also vomited in the departmental coffee room I was attempting to keep up with my drunken colleagues at a work social, I don't drink much unless other people put pressure on me socially.