Work Social Events - why oh why oh why oh why???

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I have been in my new office since June and have so far successfully managed to avoid two office lunches and a night out clubbing with the assistant manager and her cronies. Unfortunately so has the girl in the office who does the same role as me and who I get on with really well. Now the assistant manager has organised a lunch for tomorrow and while I was ready to make another excuse, this other girl, who has been in this office for a very long time, pointed out, I'm sure quite correctly, that it will have negative repercussions if either of us doesn't go this time. I HATE things like this, why do they do it??? I don't like being in groups of people, even when they're friends, but when they're people from work it's torture! I'm really angry about it inside because as an adult I should be able to say no to things I don't want to do, and there is no way a manager should be able to oblige me to do things outside working hours - that's my time and it's sacred!

Then I found out that other people (the assistant manager's friends) are coming from other offices too, some of whom I don't even know. So I was going to use that as my opt-out, explain that I feel uncomfortable in groups with people I don't know and say to let me know when it really is an "our office" lunch and I'll come to that. But the other girl, who also really doesn't want to go but for different reasons, is now the one making me feel obligated because she says she's depending on me to help make it bearable for her, and asked me not to abandon her. So there's no choice. I've already explained to the boss that I won't eat but rather just come along and have a drink, citing my vegetarianism as the reason. This restaurant does have a veggie option but it's as vile as the rest of their food. However, really, I'm hoping that by not eating, it will be more possible for me to make an early getaway.

Honestly, I'm dreading it, trying to make polite conversation and laugh in the right places with people I can't stand, while they're talking about work and gossiping and bitching, and no doubt interrogating me about why I'm not eating....

How are things like this even allowed to happen?? Work and socialising shouldn't even occur in the same sentence, let alone take place on my personal time!

I completely agree. The girls at my work all go out to lunch together once a week (not to mention whenever they don't go out they're still all in the lunch room together). I don't go out with them because, in addition to not wanting to, I also don't have enough money to eat out.

Besides that they also hang out with each other outside of work and are acquainted with each other’s friends and whatnot. Every now and then as a "treat" our boss will get us tickets to some event in town. I always turn it down because I am not at all interested in going but sometimes my boss will say something like "oh you should go!" and put her hand on my shoulder encouragingly. It makes me feel guilty because I know that NTs often feel like a rejection to a social event is a personal rejection of them and I don't want anyone at work to think I dislike them. I don't dislike anyone that I work with. I just have no desire to spend any additional time with them. I enjoy being at home and going out is stressful. I don't need more stress after work. I want to be able to do what I want to do in my personal time.

In spite of all this fraternizing, they recently called everyone in to a group meeting about "team building" and expressed how we never do anything together outside of work (could have fooled me????) and are currently organizing paintball or bowling or some other sort of "team building" outing I really don't think I have any other options besides 1. Go and be miserable 2. Offend the others and make them feel that I dislike them.

It really baffles me that people seem to think that being friends with everyone is required in order to have a good work environment. Now, granted, I can see how having enemies would be unproductive but I don't see the inverse. I think a polite, friendly, but still professional (aka slightly aloof) relationship is best and most productive for a work environment.

I agree too. I've often said that i don't want to go to such events, and have been met by snide comments and changes in attitude towards me, but i feel like you - IT IS MY BLOODY TIME. At one of my previous employers there were plenty of traveling together, living in the same tourist apartment, drinking and such. That part of the job sucked!

Fortunately, i lost that job and i cannot say that i miss it. I wasn't even sad when the boss told me that i was going to be let go.

Only advice i can give you is - look for a new job, and have an open and honest discussion with the new boss about Aspergers and how you feel about certain things.

Thanks guys, I'm glad to know it isn't just me who finds these things traumatic and pointless!

My thoughts exactly!


Unfortunately I don't think a new job is really an option right now in times of crisis, as much as I would like to move on. I'm on a kind of a cushy number generally - decent hours and systematic, repetitive work that requires concentration And I'm certain that my employers/colleagues here wouldn't "get" Aspergers, vegetarianism is hard enough to explain to them and they think I'm weird for that!

I think I need to either find a way of explaining, without mentioning the spectrum, why I won't be attending any more social events, or, find a stock excuse that I can use whenever required. I could invent regular babysitting, evening course, possessive boyfriend etc....

Last edited by Pinnygig on 26 Oct 2011, 6:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'd say that if you're concerned about them finding you weird or possibly even putting your job in jeopardy (yes, it's possible "doesn't fit in with our team" is an acceptable reason for letting someone go) I suggest you attend ONE gathering every now and then just to keep them placated. I plan to attend my work Christmas party.

I see that most people who post say that work can't do this kind of thing. Unfortunately, they can. As an aspie myself I see why you don't like to attend social events. You keep work and private separated, and like it that way. However, in order to keep the work atmosphere a happy one, (neurotypical) people like to socialize. If you're a real 'team' in the workplace, it helps productivity. That's the main reason for such events.

If you don't want to go, they can't fire you for it. But they can make up a good reason (like 'does not fit in the team') if they want to do so. So it's best to one of two things: attend some events even if you don't really enjoy them, or talk to your boss about the real reason you don't want to attend. That you really don't like being there and it will not be fun for you to be there. Just my two cents, you don't have to agree with me..

Word.

Working in health care, there was a never ending rotation of weddings, baby showers, adoption parties, graduation parties, besides the usual holiday stuff. Oh and potlocks. Mostly because I worked nursing and it was 98% female co workers on our floor.

Oh, forgot all the stupid fund raising for kids' school crap. Blech.

Anyway, you can play hard ball hermit, but you will not last long. The staff that didn't mix in an event a few times a year, eventually got broom.

I thought it totally blew chipping in for a baby or bridal shower present for someone I was ambivalent about at best.

Absolute Evil. United Way. Don't even get me started on that BS.

Referring to the thread title: how very Points of View...

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQgPgi0n9rY[/youtube]

I didn't even know about stuff like that. If I had a job like that I just wouldn't go even if they fired me. I wouldn't be interested in socializing outside of work plus I wouldn't be getting paid for this I'm assuming.

I get mad enough just hearing about people I know having to do mandatory overtime which I would also refuse to do.

I guess I wouldn't have to worry about that. The kinds of crummy jobs I'd have (if I could even get one) wouldn't bother with anything like that.

I would just go, especially if it's only every now and then. Even if you don't say anything the entire time or only respond to questions asked of you, you at least get credit for showing up. You don't want to put yourself in a position where you stand out negatively because then you will be taken advantage of either by management or by your fellow staff members. If the company decides to downsize and needs to lay off some staff members, you could be the first to go. Either that, or management could force you to quit.