Caught off guard and confused – fresh start!

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Thanks for all your help - Life is better at work! Good luck!

There may be no way to fix this situation. However, if you still want to try, look into books and online info on Asperger's Syndrome and books on office etiquette, and management methods that cover employer/employee relationships, both with low level employees, and with assistants. Once you have the info, then you can have a meeting with Mike to share it with him. First tell him has misunderstood your feelings about him, but that you are still willing to try to work things out and then tell him that you think he might have Asperger's Syndrome--and here's why--and show him the info. And tell him, whether he has it or not, he doesn't yet know proper office etiquette, or employee relations methods, but that you have material here that he can study to help him with that.

You need to explain things to him clearly. People with Autism/Asperger's tend not to be good at understanding nuances. Direct talk is more clearly understood. Unfortunately, we will also tend to let others think we are getting what ever they are talking about, because we want to fit in, and don't want to appear clueless.

Even if Mike is not on the Autism/Asperger's spectrum, he is somewhat clueless, at least on office etiquette and employer/employee relationship management issues.

If you do nothing to try to fix the situation, nothing will be fixed, and you will probably have to let Mike go. At least if you try to fix the situation, things might get better. If not, and you still have to let Mike go, you will know that you have tried your best to save the situation.

Thanks questor - people are so complicated. Life is a tough journey and I see now some of us struggle even harder on what might be for some a much easier and enjoyable path.

I'm Aspie diagnosed, and can certainly understand it. I remember how in my first job, on a dairy farm, the boss' son used to bad-mouth his father, to me, behind his father' back. I figured it was the correct thing to do, especially since I thought the father was a bit of a tyrant too. So I parroted the son back to the son. Apparently the son didn't recognise this aspect of himself, thought I was bad mouthing his father, so informed his father, and his father blew up at me.

A situation that could have been avoided if I knew how inappropriate it was for me to pass on what was given to me in context of the work environment.

But we can learn as we get older. Though there's no guarantee that we will, and therefore no guarantee that Mike will. And I kind of think that the learning happens organically. might not happen if you confront, or try and teach him about it, though bringing it up might plant the seed that he can meditate on over the years.

Some will 'get it' and some won't. You'll need to consider if he wants to grow, or if he has a vindictive streak. If he comes across as an otherwise mature individual with a sincere desire to grow, then he might be worth the effort. Just be careful that your efforts don't end in him going among the other workers and saying stuff like 'now the boss is trying to cover his own @ss and make it look like it's all my fault', or some such. Especially if he sees this as a chance to push you out and him take the reigns.

You might need to look for someone else to build up if it isn't already too late. But just be sure. If Mike is an otherwise good worker, and this is just the last issue to get sorted before he becomes the perfect next boss, then it might be worth it. It can be hard to get good honest workers. I was never a boss, but I was as good as I could be and always annoyed by deliberate slackers. I suspect that it's the way it is for more Aspies than NTs. Though not ALL. Nobody's perfect.

I'll finish by commending you and your efforts. Seems to me that the world needs more bosses like you.

Hello DoniiMann,

I had a real sit down and talk it all out moment with Mike - after reading your post. The Dairy incident is so true to many who don't get the social rules and norms of relationships - they are subtle.

I like Mike as he is with all his skills - weaknesses and strengths. I explained to him how I am heavy on relationships and he is heavy on details and planning - both are amazing when they come together. He has a good soul and I like him - it hurts to see him suffer right now - as I can more easily let the 11-yearsof misunderstandings roll off and I can move on. It is harder for him - but he says it is possible - I hope so.

I am okay that he struggles with relationships - as long as he knows this too. All that talent in one area has to cost in another is my belief.

It was like a light went on in a darkened room today for him and me. It is brighter and I think we both are seeing a bit more clearly and I have hope - and I think that he does too!

You have been helpful to my problem - Thanks!!

I'm in a job-find agency that focuses on finding work for ... well, let's just say 'people with issues'. They've got me looking for places they can approach. So I hit the pavement in the local towns and must admit I'm coming up empty. Very disheartening.

But your post has brought a little light to my day. Hope it goes really well for you both.