Struggling with my current employer

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Hey all-

This is sort of a rant slash request for help and suggestions. Just wanted to be clear about that from the beginning,

So, I've been working for this 60's aged female author for about 8 months. There's very little work in my area that pays enough to live on, and would also be tolerable for a person like myself (social anxiety, OCD, and probable AS. Going through diagnosis process now). I do various things for her including housekeeping (she runs a retreat center), doggie care, organizing, errand running, and other personal assistant type activities. She and her publicist have some big plans for her new book, and decided to invite me onto the team to launch her next project. I'm a writer myself, a poet, and I am way more techno savvy than the two of them, so I figured I could handle it.

I've been working about 20 hours a week, split between housekeeping, dog care, website creation and management, web design, graphic design, internet marketing, and editing for the last 5 months or so.

Here is the problem I've been having. She is very scattered at times, jumps on a new idea and changes the course of the entire project. She had me create a website, build the whole thing, and then tells me via TEXT MSG that she's decided she's going to change the name of the site. She's purchased and hosted another website that is named what she now wants, and I'm to swap all the content over and tuck in all the loose ends in the next 3 days. I'm totally livid. have a stomp-around-the-house meltdown. I can do the work in three days. That isn't the problem. The problem is this is the second time I've had her say this. All my time and work was wasted on her whim. Not to mention the stress and anxiety I feel everyday knowing that the next email I get is going to have some snarky/sweet comment about why isn't this (tiny detail) fixed yet?

She is cool enough in person, and I've tried explaining my problems with her approach, and how we need to stay on task, and that changing the copy every other day is going to result in SEO confusion and drop our search rankings. She nods and appears very understanding, and then I go home and get a buttload of emails from her saying that she doesn't understand why I'm upset, and didn't we talk about fixing this tiny detail earlier, and she's confused about what the general public is seeing when they are looking at her FB page.

One day she sent me 49 emails over the course of 12 hours.

I'm not really making enough per hour to justify this kind of service, I think. I'm not going to say specifically, but it is less than 900 per month before taxes.

She can't really pay more until the "book" takes off [which I personally doubt it ever will, because even with my frank editing and suggestions for rewrites, it is a real stinker] and I understand she pays probably more than she can really afford. But I've been getting the feeling lately that I am essentially "on call" when she comes up with something new she wants to chase down a rabbit hole, and I've been working every day of the week on her stuff. It isn't like I'm working super long hours, it is that I have to be available to her all the time for feedback and editing and coming over to scrub the toilets, and the stress is totally getting me to the point where I just want to call her up and quit.

I would have already, but like I said, I live in an area that is worse than many in this nasty depression. I'm already on food stamps, and have housing assistance, and I still am barely scraping by on my 20 hours from her. There are other jobs available, but I know that my soul will break apart if I have to waitress or work as a cashier. I've done those jobs for most of my life, and they were soul destroyers for me. Right now, I only have to leave my house twice a week to go to her place and do the housekeeping. I feel much better working from home as much as I can. It feels like such a luxury to be able to not have to go out and face the madness of the world.

My boyfriend says that she's not worth the stress, and that she would be a way too demanding boss for NT's let alone me with my psychological issues. She knows about my OCD and anxiety and probable AS diagnoses, and she seems to be very kindly and understanding in person. And then, it is right back to "I need. I need. I need." I am especially annoyed that she "forgot" to go to the bank to get my pay this past week, then said "If it is a problem, I'll give you my ATM card right now and you can go and get the money and bring back my card." I'd just finished cleaning the whole house (6 hours worth), and I was exhausted. A 30 minute round trip to the bank at rush hour on Friday? No thanks.

I'm going to wrap this up. I don't think working for her is good for me. She feels like a crazy maker, and I don't think I'm getting getting paid what I'm worth. I know so many people nowadays are also busting their butts at jobs they hate and are overqualified for, and are getting paid next to nothing as well. I was just looking for some support, suggestions, or advice on how to set boundaries in informal work environments. I'm tired of nearly having a heart attack every time I look at my phone or email.

So what do you think? Am I overreacting? Does this sound like a job that would also bother or upset you?
Also, please tell me about your crazy, annoying, frustrating work experiences to cheer me up. As always, thanks for reading this, and responding (if you do). It is super appreciated.

Last edited by glassjailer on 02 Apr 2012, 12:23 am, edited 1 time in total.

Well.....gosh. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for you especially when your employer has no clue and therefore isn't very grateful as to how much work she's sucking out of you. Old folks + web design never equal anything pleasurable. My condolences. Maybe this will cheer you up: A month ago I took a job for a small scale construction company run by an elderly man with-what a coincindence-that nasty habit of changing his mind. My job was in demolition which wasn't as fun as it sounds since the majority of the times I had to rebuild (in it's entirety or part of) what I had just demolished. The time I tore down a wooden gate surrounding a residency and dug out the infinite number of those specific suport posts planted in the ground only to be told to put the posts back comes to mind. They even turned on the sprinklers for me. By the end of it, covered in mud, drenched in water, filled with rage I had to reinstall a pipe I had dug out earlier. Oh the time I was, to my sour disappointment, practically ripped away from my demolition tasks to shovel a menacing, plethora of a pile of sand off a truck and onto the front lawn in 115 degrees. Then, finished, drenched in sweat this time, and the truck having left I was told to shovel it all into a wheelbarrel and take to the backyard instead. I never knew how painful a shovel could be. I know, b***h, b***h, b***h but you asked for it. As for advice I can only say this: I left because, although I was being paid fairly well for an 18 year old, it simply wasn't worth it. Only you can determine whether or not your being paid sufficiently. Thanks for sharing, by the way.

Gehrard-

Wow. Thank you for sharing your story. That shoveling business he asked you to do had me remembering when I used to do construction myself. Your story sounded so incredibly familiar. I remember shoveling out a basement by hand, by myself, in 105 degree heat, with no ventilation for 2 days straight. That job, I quit.

Why is it that so many people with the money and the jobs that need doing are such poor overseers of projects and workers? I don't quite understand how it can be so difficult to brainstorm, decide, make a plan, get help/funds for said plan, execute plan, adjust for unforeseen circumstances, complete plan, high five ! This feels so natural to me because I'm such a logical thinker.

I appreciate that you wrote that I am ultimately the person who needs to decide it if is worth it to me. The short answer is "nope. not worth it." But the long answer seems more complex. This job is unique in many ways, and I'm being paid to learn new things and to critique writing (both of which are such enriching activities for me). I still don't know if I'm going to keep sticking it out or what, but I will probably have to have another "sit down" with her to discuss boundaries and what she can reasonably expect for the money she's paying me. I just hate having those conversations.

Thanks very much for your response, and for sharing your own story.

Gee, sounds like we have both been blessed with less than pyrrhic working class jobs. I'm sorry it sounds familiar. f**k's sake, you had to do my job in the irriguous and eerie enviroment of a basement. You win this bout of trauma inducing, arduous shoveling, hot stories.

I ask that very question all the time and you have no idea how much I want to work for you after that logical reiteration of what I have been thinking all along but could never articulate so greatly as you just did. It reads so damn good. It's shame more people can't think likewise, tsk, tsk.

The best thing to do is what you just have done: Look at what is the best decision immediately, the opportunity costs of that decision and if they are worth giving up. I can totally relate, I despise those conversations because they involve walking that tightrope betwixt being too blunt or too lenient. However, you are smart, I can (at the risk of sounding arrogant) tell. I wish you the best and don't settle for anything you know is total BS and worthless. Anytime, your very welcome.

Why is it that so many people with the money and the jobs that need doing are such poor overseers of projects and workers?

Maybe it's because the people who are bad at overseeing are the ones who know they're bad at it and know it's worth paying somebody else to do it. The people who are good at that kind of stuff are more likely to just do the work themselves, 'cause it's not so frustrating.

One question - when you're responding to some of her flaky requests, does that at least count as part of your 20 hours a week? I can imagine that she feels like having you run to the bank with her ATM card to get your money might not be something SHE should have to pay for, that's maybe a borderline issue. But if you're putting in a lot of extra "free" hours because of her flakiness, you might see if you can figure out how to start "charging" for that. Make her realize that her flakiness is costing HER money.

I'm doing some "work" right now for a woman who runs a music school out of her home (I'm actually doing it as a volunteer because, for me, once you involve money in a project like this, it tends to DE-motivate me). She admits she knows she knows nothing about computers, and she has a woman who came in and set up a website for her, but who also has a lot less technical savvy than you might want from your webmaster. And it's looking like a lot of the technical website and online learning stuff is going to fall to me now, because the people who wanted to be in charge are not really competent... last week was very busy for me, and I did find that the music school stuff I'd been working on fell to the bottom of my list... if it was a paid position and I depended on the money, I'd have had to deal with the flakiness...

Another story... for about 9 years, I led the contemporary band at our church as a volunteer... at some point, we changed pastors and I just couldn't work with the new one, and I finally "retired" from the position. She hired a guy who (I guess) was willing to put up with her for $150 a Sunday, who pretty much just blew off a lot of the things that she wanted that I didn't want to do... so I'm kinda resentful (no, actually quite resentful) that he's there doing no more than I'd have been willing to do as a volunteer, being paid for it, and (in my opinion) not doing as good a job of being a "songleader" for the church.

I guess the point of that was that... there are people out there who are willing to put up with a flaky boss if they're being paid for it, and just do the minimum expected of them... and there are those of us who can't handle that. Aspies may tend to fall into the latter category.

So I'm probably just dumping my own feelings here, but maybe something will be of help to you. I've had difficulty dealing with flaky bosses all my life, I just feel like, "hey, if you're going to be in charge, you need to be capable and competent..." For me, money doesn't outweigh that, but I've been fortunate to have enough financial resources that I can be like that...

Demand more pay, or give her a 2 week notice. If shes not respecting you enough to pay you on time, and on top of that being extremely erratic. You may be better off finding a better employer. My sister let her employer do this, and they ended up not paying her for about 3 months of work (and she stayed)...

If they actually need you they will raise your pay, or they will let you go and call you back (they have done this to me before). I'm unsure if that employer knew how exactly I was doing what I was doing to file their paperwork. They kept my work but probably never continued it and had to restart. I never went back so who knows what happened...

Although I do have an ex-employer who calls me from time to time when they need help. I've probably saved him thousands but not demanded money - I only use his connections when needed. I also strangely enough have his debit card in my wallet..

@charles52 -

Thanks for your reply. I've been pretty accurate about reporting my actual time spent to her. I do count research, thinking about concept, emailing back and forth, and running errands (even if they behoove me in some way). I am glad you brought up this point because for several months, I was downplaying my hours, worried to be counting the time I spent talking with her publicist on launch strategy (her publicist is a total rambler, and will go on and on for hours if you let her). I've stopped not counting the hours that I spend figuring out how to word a criticism of my boss' overall world view. I've definitely taken social risks that I've never felt comfortable taking before.

Thanks for sharing your stories as well. I think your input is really valuable, especially the statement :

That is totally me. I NEED for my work to mean something, to be appreciated. I put everything I have into my work. I'm a hardworking perfectionist. I have never understood why so many people don't go above and beyond expectations, but you summed it up in one sentence. Thanks for your insight.

@Nim - I appreciate your feedback. I like how forthright you think I ought to be. I kind of wish I could be that sort of person sometimes. But in reality, I am very insecure, and not very confident in myself. I'm better now than I've ever been before, so that is saying something about where I came from. Lots of abuse can break people, and I've only rebuilt myself so far.

Mentioning your sister's experience of not being paid for three months was a real bucket of cold water to the face. I hadn't even contemplated that she wouldn't pay me. I do trust her sense of goodwill and commitment to me as an employee and human, so I'm not really going to worry about that unless it continues. She told me (a few weeks ago) that she was embarrassed to be paying me so little for the work I do for her, so she has a heart I think. She and the publicist have negotiated that when the book takes off, and the speaking engagements ..blah de blah, they plan to give me 10% of the net profit when the money starts coming in. I'm trying to be patient, but it is hard when I don't believe in the product.

I started reading at 3. I am a sponge of books. I know good writing when I see it, and I'm a little horrified to admit that I'm working for someone who has written and published over 40 books, and is at best a mediocre writer. I wish I could get behind the project. Maybe then I'd be content to wait for this "pumped up payoff".

Nim - thanks again for your response. Just hearing others thought has really brought me some much needed perspective. I appreciate your input.