"are you ok?" How to answer it?

Post Reply New Topic

Currently volunteer one morning a week in a charity shop. Sometimes, I'm downstairs and help out the till. I do this by myself for the first 30-40 minutes and then someone takes over. If we're busy downstairs, I help out downstairs.

I helped out downstairs today and made a mistake on the till and the manager sorted it out. He then walked away and carried on with what he was doing.

I was then asked by the other lady if I'm ok and yes. I'm really not. But I don't want to discuss what's wrong (there's far too much going on at the moment. Worrying about the second Autism assessment and waiting to find out exactly what I've done to my brain and spine) - I think she's aware that I am disabled. But don't know what she actually knows. That is, I don't remember what I've said.

Is saying "I'm fine" when I'm clearly not, really ok? Don't want to go into great detail as to what's wrong.

Yes, that's OK.

the response "yeah, fine" works wonders to this question; i found out that it is NT code for something along the lines of "not really, but it's none of your business, thanks for asking though"

Do you ever get the impression that certain people (not all) ask this to make you feel abnormal?

Sometimes, yes.

I really like using the phrase "can't complain". Because, in a way, it's always true... Nobody cares to listen to me complain about my day, ergo, I can't complain.

Yep

Its more like, "I feel too much pressure to be polite, so I will lie about my feelings in an attempt to not concern others with a problem society expects me to solve".



Not really.

The standard answer to "Are you OK?" is "Yes, fine thanks" regardless of whether you are or you aren't.

I have real trouble lying that I am fine (event though it's the standard answer) when I am really not, even when I don't want to tell people what's going on.

In this circumstance I usually say "I will be" (because at some point, I will be OK but I'm not right now) or "are you?" (deflecting the question).

I'm not too sure that it is.

On several occasions I've said "fine" with a fake smile just to get them to leave me alone, and when they found out afterwards that I wasn't fine they got really angry with me and yelled at me and said: "why did you lie?"



You just can't win.

I'm really tempted to start answering "how are you?" by saying: "I'm afraid I find that a rather impertinent question. Shall we change the subject?" But of course, "how are you?" is such a common question in the NT world that they'd think I was mad or joking if I said that.

A few years ago, I was out walking and minding my own business. I was also somewhat pissed off too. Anyway, a stranger asked if I was ok and I said yes. (I was not going to get into a debate about this) He would not leave me alone.

I have trouble lying too. Sometimes, I just think "not really. Now, please back off and leave me alone".

Thanks for your feedback.

I like that! and am adding it to my script rotation

My dad's favorite response to any "how are you?" type question was "I'm in good shape for the shape I'm in" said with a big smile.

yes sometimes i do.

one of the things one of my neighbors does, he asks me how i'm doing, i say fine and i ask him how he's doing and he just ignores me. almost like it kind of a "hi" greeting but not wanting to get into a conversation. it drives me crazy when he does that. he's actually not the only one that has been like that so i have gotten to where sometimes i just keep going like i didn't even hear them. if they aren't going to respond back to me asking them as a courtesy how they are when they have asked me, why bother at all?

I agree. It is a normal NT thing, I think. I too have trouble lying and saying yes, when I am clearly NOT okay at the moment, but "I will be" or "I'll be fine" tend to work okay to soothe the NT concerns.

I think NT's sometimes use that question when what they really mean is, "I'm really nosey and I don't have a clue what's going on with you so would you please tell me so I can talk about you in the break room?"

Since I went all the way through childhood and half my adulthood before I learned that I wasn't an NT (although I knew that somehow I would eventually be found out), I learned a lot of their code. I don't understand some of it, and I often forget to apply the right phrases at the right time, but I know that when they ask questions like "How are you?", "Are you okay?", "Is there anything I can do?" they are generally soothing their own conscience over their own lack of concern or action. They want to know that you ARE okay without them having to do anything about it.

A YES answer won't be perceived as a lie by the average NT because it is what they want/need to hear. If the NT figures out that you are lying and actually presses the issue, it might actually be that they care...but those are rare in my experience.

Because you are right... it was just another way of saying Hi. He said his part and you said yours. As far as he is concerned, the conversation is over. The rules are very confusing ... LOL

^i agree with this answer as well. i always feel that if i am truthful with them (because i don't like to lie) then all they will do is talk about me behind my back in the break room or whatever.


i do totally agree that the rules are very confusing. i really don't understand how someone can ask me how i am without actually being concerned about my problems. i have only ever come across one NT person that truly did want to know and truly did want to be honest with people when he was asked if he was ok.