Too Socially Awkward for IT

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Hello. I'm not really new, but think I run at around a post per year so I'm sure the background information will be new-to-most.

I was recently smacked down -- I've been trying for the past couple of years to transition out of the medical field and back into information tech (Still a bit undecided what I enjoy the most... front end web design has been fun, but that's just because it's where I've had the most freelance work. It all fascinates me). The night before my interview, I was doing my nervous pacing thing, and my wife's trying to get me to mellow out. 'What's the worst that could happen?', she inquires. Now, I spoke to my anxiety thinking I was half-joking: "They decide that can't stand me, personally, and blackball me from the company."

This is a huge tech company, and the biggest/most desirable/etc IT employer in the region. You all probably know where this is going from the foreshadowing... I interviewed, felt pretty good about it, maybe a little nervous about how the technical interview went. Got 'em laughing in the 'cultural' interview, so felt that was a good sign. I really have no barometer for how those things go, but getting people to laugh and start talking about their personal lives tends to work well.

Anyway, my feedback was that they were happy and impressed with the technical skills, but were going to pass because I wasn't a Cultural Fit for the Company. They cited social and communication issues interfering with their 'teamwork' orientation, even going so far as to say I 'mostly preferred' to work alone, despite my not mentioning any such preference.

So, yeah, I'm almost 40 years old and have had this lifelong anxiety about rejection related to my social obliviousness, and got precisely that to my face. I'm generally thick-skinned at this point, but it was pretty devastating.

Has me back in the mental place where I'd consider pursuing a diagnosis again, but I'm not sure if that'd ever actually HELP anything, or it's just a sort of salve -- A hunt for validation of some sort. For a LONG time, I thought I was well-compensated and getting along with no problems (Granted, most of my 'getting along with no problems' meant living alone, not going out, not dating, etc...Yes, I was getting along QUITE well at being avoidant, hah.). Few years ago, I got married and life just got exponentially more complicated. Not simply having people around all of the time to try and effectively communicate with, but actively wanting to accomplish more vocationally, family wanting to be more social, that kind of thing.

Guess the summary version is, That sucked, back to wondering if pursuing a diagnosis actually accomplishes anything.

I know how you feel. Even in geek-cultures (Computer jobs) I'm often branded as "that guy". Meaning the one who doesn't fit in, the one who they say "doesn't have an internal filter". It reminds me of the conversation from Seinfeld

I'm that one.

They tease me, make jokes about me, and generally treat me like a two-legged joke.

But let the system go down, and it's all "Please, Mr. Fnord ... how can we help you, Mr. Fnord ... thank you, Mr. Fnord ..."

Getting a diagnosis, to me, was a revelation. It brought me peace of mind and gave me the answer of why I'm so different from my siblings and why I just can't seem to get along or keep long term friends with people. In other words, I'd be beating myself up more if I didn't know.

Yeah, I'd have been perfectly fine with getting passed up on a job because my technical skills needed some brushing up.

Being told, 'No, you can't have The Dream Job because you suck as a person' is a little harder to take.

I'm paraphrasing, yes, but it's what it feels like.

That's a clever way to put it. Very illustrative of your point.

Being the de-facto computer boffin for everyone I know is probably where I shook off most of my own awkwardness. Everyone acts like the aliens have landed until their Windows installs implode.

My wife likes to trigger my Linux Rant button by deliberately complaining about her Windows 8 laptop, hah.

if you read the book the day after roswell... the archons are in charge and its hard for intelligent aspies to survive in a dumb down nt workforce designed for them.. aspies ain't invited...

Their so-called 'teamwork' approach sounds like it just means hiring everyone alike.

It does. When I worked in a so called "flat" organization (a small iOS firm), the hierarchy was anything but, and EVERYONE but me had identical gear. MacBooks, mice, keyboards, monitors, headphones, the whole 9 yards was standard issue, except for my supplies.

So does everyone I know, including Dell.
I won a W8 slate in a hackathon and did my teammates a favor when I drew it out of my hat.

I looked up different mental health diagnoses when I was 20 as part of my introductory psychology class. I suspected that I had Asperger's as soon as I read about it. I had all the symptoms. I KNEW my mom had it. It took me seven years to find a psychologist who know what I was talking about. He gave me an informal diagnosis without doing all of the neurological tests. It made me feel so much better having a qualified psychologist give me a diagnosis. I knew for sure that I had it and wasn't making it up. For the past two years, I have been trying to come to terms with this knowledge. I have a hard time accepting that this is never going away. At the same time, I am able to make better decisions because I know what my weaknesses are. I am also able to reach out for help, now that I have a diagnosis. I am not just an as*hole or a weirdo or a slacker. I have a neurological disorder. I would recommend seeking out a mental health professional who is familiar with Asperger's Syndrome and getting a diagnosis. It will help you. Another thing to consider is that you can get government help with a diagnosis (grants for school, vocational counseling, stuff like that). I am in between jobs and in between careers right now, and I plan on seeking help at the unemployment office by telling them I have Asperger's. I also want to get disability support for when I go back to school, because college has kicked my ass. I know now it has something to do with Asperger's. I need some help.

DoctorYikes, I have been in a roughly similar place. I had a long career with a tech company, and excelled when I was in positions that allowed me to work largely alone. For many years I even did user-interface/web analysis and design while working full-time from my home office. Long story short: assorted changes outside my control resulted in my taking on a less-suitable assignment in a traditional office environment, and things went downhill quickly.

My eventual diagnosis helped greatly by giving me validation, and opening up a new set of tools that help me move more effectively in an NT world. Most importantly, it allowed me to begin psychotherapy with a licensed professional who specialized in ASD. I find regularly scheduled sessions with a compassionate expert to be a vital part of my life.

It is sad. Some time ago career in programming was good option for socially awkward people that prefer to work alone rather than with others. Currently programmers are expected to have good communication skills and other BS like 'cultural fit' (terms probably made up by HR).

^ I used to be a mid-level supervisor in an IT company and I can tell you this is absolutely true. My last hire was a guy (possible aspie) who had all the skills I needed for the position but I knew he wouldn't "fit in" with the other employees in my department. Part of why I went ahead with him was that I felt my department was getting too cliquey already and people needed to focus on work. I left the company soon afterward and that young man left right after me. He got a MUCH better job and seems very successful however.

I don't believe in looking at ASD as a disease or disorder, but it's useful that it's currently categorized that way. Otherwise, aspies wouldn't be covered by the Americans with Disabilities Act. I think it's useful to be diagnosed just to cover your a$$ once you get hired, but typically it doesn't help to disclose in an interview. I think you need to come up with a set of things to say that explains your preferences and personality but spins everything in a positive way. It's useful to use buzzwords in those explanations.

EX)
Q: Do you prefer to work alone or in a group?
"I am most productive when I can focus alone, but having access to a group keeps me on track with my team members."
This indicates that you can work in both environments.

Q: What is your typical role in a group?
"I am usually an organizer. Planning helps me to make sure my efforts are effective and efficient. I always like to work with my team to make sure our solution is in the best interests of the company."
This is a tactful way of saying that you like things to make sense and you don't mind talking to others about what you're doing. It also infers that you are company loyal.

Q: What kind of work environment are you looking for/most comfortable in?
"A supportive and task-driven environment where I can use my skills to help others."
This says you want to work around nice people who are trying to do their work and that you are a capable person who can contribute to their workforce.

Ask any manager or former manager and they can give you more. You should also practice with someone so you don't get as nervous.

Oh and remember to research the company first, compliment them, and ask them questions. If, perhaps, it's a medical IT company and they got some award last year and also did a cancer research fundraiser, you can say, "I heard that your company got an award for web design last year. After I heard that I did some looking around on your website and was impressed. It was very easy to navigate and appealing to many different kinds of people. I was also interested to see your fund-raising efforts for cancer research. Would I have the option to help with efforts like that if I became part of your company?" It's important to include little details so the compliment seems genuine and to seem interested in participating in their company things.

DON'T GIVE UP! Interviews can be the hardest part of the working world, especially for aspies. They really are looking for the "right kind" of person. You just need to convince them that that kind of person is you. There are many tricks to it and it's not so bad once you get used to being interviewed.

And I can tell you, NO ONE is too awkward for IT. lol