How to ask "Why?" w/o appearing flippant or confro

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One of the challenges I occasionally get in my adult life despite years of "fine-tuning" my executive function and ToM insight is I don't always see why something is being done, or how it governs the finer details. So in a work setting, involving a project or task, a team/group leader might be explaining something in general terms but I didn't always carry it out correctly. That gets me somewhat anxious, even though recently I haven't experienced that so much (but am still over-vigilant of missing the context - maybe I shouldn't be, but it's a legacy that lasts, I guess )

So pitching the question out there: when all is said and done, how do you go about confirming you understand the "why" without appearing foolish or perverse? Or flippant for that matter? You can just imagine halfway through a group discussion "Um, WHY are we doing this??" and the blank stares of "isn't it obvious??" with some chuckling, or some wide-eyed stares. So I tend to wait till everyone's left the room, then ask the group leader "I just want to confirm, the reason why we're involved in /doing this is [insert interpretation], right?" Usually I've been right, but you never know. It's only because I frantically took notes and tried to piece them together while focusing on what's currently being said. It really throttles my processing bandwidth, but somehow I've managed to pull it off and relatively discretely!!

I think that works. That might also send a message to the employer that you care about doing your work correctly. It also does not spend the time of all the rest of the members of the team so they can get to work.

So what gives the Boss the right to get upset when you ask for a little clarification?

He's the boss, that's what.

If you are going to waste his time by asking him to explain his decisions, then he has every right to get upset.

Now, get back to work.

But that puts the Autistic at a severe disadvantage. If I don't ask for clarification I end up making a mistake but if i ask for clarification I am either a ret*d or I am challenging him or wasting his time. Did the thought ever occur to my Boss that maybe if he invested a little extra time that I might become his best worker?

As a boss, it can be a fine balancing act between boring the s**t out of everyone by explaining every detail, and going to quick and loosing everyone.

Usually the best way to avoid coming off as challenging authority is to speak to your boss in private. It might even be worth talking about some of the broader issues too.

Remember, your boss is only human, and can't possibly know everything about you, and in some cases may not even be allowed to ask.

Sometimes, meeting them half way goes a long way.

I read a study about people with ASD and employment. One of the reasons some people with ASDs are let go from their jobs is either asking too many questions or not asking enough questions. (So how does one know the correct number of questions to ask?)

I think whitrbbit had some very good advice about asking the questions in private. It is more likley to be seen as an attempt to do the job correctly, and has less chance of being interpretted as a power struggle.

I'll give you my opinion, but it's gonna hurt a little...

1. It's likely that your boss hired you under the expectation that you can follow orders without needing to have those orders explained to you.

2. He may also expect you to be competent enough to carry out those orders with needing to be micro-managed every step of the way.

3. Finally, it is very likely that the boss considers his best workers to be those who can already meet these two expectations, and that anyone who does not meet those expectations is not, and will never be, his best worker.

Face it, kid; bosses nowadays expect their best workers to "hit the ground running" without question, and not require constant supervision. There are just too many unemployed people who can and will meet this expectation for your boss to have patience with just one one person (even if that one person has special needs), and there is simply not enough time in the day for your boss to hover over you and make sure that you're doing your job right and still perform the other tasks that he was hired to do.

My advice is to adapt to this paradigm or risk never being considered a good worker at all. Your boss is not likely to accommodate one person at the expense of others ... or his own job.

You could try "So, what you're saying is that we need to _____________ because _____________. Correct?"

Even when I turned out to be the best worker and started to receive awards at work my neurotypical boss fired me because he felt I could never make up for the extra time he spent training me.

I smell a pretext...he was probably just jealous, or very negatively biased towards a "special" person receiving awards, that he took it upon himself to maintain the status quo so to speak.

As for training courses: I actively took free online communications webinar courses outside of company time in the past, and my boss would be automatically copied on my completion of them - he praised my effort and initiative to be the best I could be.

Do you have any further advice as to how to adapt to this paradigm? How does one "hit the ground running?" I am all ears, I have an open mind, and I am willing to listen if you are willing to explain. Is this something that can be learned, taught or is it something that is innate? Is it one of these cases in which "you either have it or you don't?" Are there any tools and techniques that we all can use?

Does it mean employers do not want to provide training whatsoever at all?



As a concrete and specific example let's say one wants to be a cashier in a supermarket are you saying that one has to go out and train himself in this day and age? Are you saying that in today's society employers will not train a prospective employee how to use a cash register? Is this what employers expect today? I am not being facetious. I am asking serious and literal questions.

Your answers will tell me and possibly others what we need to do.

We must distinguish between an entry level job and a non-entry level job.

A cashier is an entry level job, so I would expect to train you on using the Point of Sale system. That said, I would not expect to have to teach you how to make change or count money. I would also expect you to have a basic understanding of customer service, I would expect to have to train you on the company script, but I would expect you to know things like smiling at customers, not telling them to f**k off, etc.

For a non-entry level job, you are expected to know things. When I was hired, I was expected to know about fixing computers, some basics of IT management, things like that. I was trained on company specifics, but they also expected me to have a working knowledge.

I can smile at them. I know not to tell them to f**k off. To me, this is so easy.



Well, I guess my aspergers is very severe then,I'm just an idiot or another possiblity exists. It seems like a lot of aspies were able to obtain IT jobs. I was not because I couldn't figure out the structure of it whatsoever. They say start at the bottom. I ask, where's the bottom?

The bottom is usually jobs that require no experience. For example, when I went to college I worked at the student help desk, the job required no experience.

I gained 4 years experience, I moved up to full time IT Support, I learned about the full time side, management, IT planning, projects, stuff like that. I moved up to IT manager. They expected me to know the things I learned leading up to that, but I also was changing divisions, and they do some things differently, so I was trained on what they do differently and we also have hack mods on some of our systems so I had to be shown how to use those since they were job specific.

This is where I have major problems. How does one find the jobs that require no experience? What is the hierarchy of the workplace? How does one determine what position is where on this hierarchy? Is there a map that one is supposed to refer to? Again, I don't follow nor understand.

Like I said, other aspies were able to figure these set of tenets out. For whatever reason, there are certain details that are missing. I am glad I have been coming on here. Are there any other aspies who tried to go into IT but could not figure how to do that? I would need a larger sample space.

I can only think of these possible secnarios. a. My aspergers is very severe much more so than others think. b. I don't have aspergers and I have another condition that may resemble aspergers and autism but it is not aspergers or autism. c. I have another condition comorbid with aspergers that is not diagnoised. d. It is the story of the poisoned well and even other aspies have been poisoned and for whatever reason I am immune to this poison and therefore society is poisioned and compromised. e. There are other possiblities I have not thought of.