not wanting a career

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I am wondering if anyone else is in a similar situation as me - it might help to feel a little less on my own.
I left high school over 6 years ago and have a masters degree in Information Systems and a BA in political sciences and human rights law. The thing is, though I worked in computing for 2 years after high school and did lots of vocational qualifications, I have decided after working again in computing - this time in a school, that I am going in the wrong direction. I am a bad computer programmer for starters and hate fix computer hardware. I despise my job because it is what school leavers could do and the pay is rubbish and my workmates seem to treat me like a ret*d when they have not got any advanced schooling themselves. I have real issues with management if what they do appears to be illogical or illinformed. I wanted to teach but the children upset me. I lack the presence to be a teacher because I cannot make myself heard and can get my words all confused. I generally have no desire for a career and when I look for another job, there is always these horrible catches - 'good communication skills', 'flexibility' and 'good sense of humour'. My sense of humour is morbid by NT standards.
I am bag of nerves all the time now as children keep kicking their footballs against my window although I am on the first floor. The head of computing does not talk to me except to request things to be done but he never says please or thank you. He makes me feel small and stupid. I do feel smug as he has no degreee in computing but this is not enough to take away all this pain.
People tell me to find a better job with a good wage but it is so terrifying and the job market around here is not good. I need a job where i can use my brain but at the same time I want to feel secure and comfortable in my job. I get panicky when there are things to be done but I cannot find a way to do it.
On top of everything else, I have been so depressed since being told I have aspergers. It has turned my life upsidedown. I wish I never knew because before, all my problems were seen as everyone else' fault and was much easier.

I am still wanting to attend my assessment but it is clear to me I have it and other medical people. I feel like this person who has been given this tool box for Christmas but doesn't have a clue how to use the tools in the box. I wish I was not bright so perhaps I would not over think and upset myself. What upsets me the most is that I have talents but I do not have the ability to use them.
I know this is strong stuff but sometimes I really wish I was not born at all. There is so much resentment because my twin brother turned out fine and I'm not. I feel at the moment not happy about who I am and I really do need to come to terms with this.

Although I do not expect answers, if anyone else has felt this way, please let me know.

Catherine

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough patch.
Sounds like you could be a good assistant or clerk or whatever the title is for someone who works with the files in a law firm that deals with rights issues. Most colleges and all universities also have equal opportunities offices.
If you live in USA, your county should have a work counselor to help you on your next step. If you can document your AS, there are state and county offices that can theoretically help you find your next job.
Because you are depressed, you can't see any options, but you have many. You are obviously talented and able to follow through on difficult work, or you wouldn't have made it through college as you did. Having dealt with depression most of my life, I truly understand not being able to see options or positives or anything but gloom and doom. It's so easy for people who don't feel so trapped to say quit and get a better job. It takes energy and imagination to look for that other job.
God bless you. I wish I could help you.

lelia,

Thank you for being understanding and your kind words. I live in England but I am sure there must be similar offices SOMEWHERE that can help! I think they are normally associated with the government run Job Centres that also offer help for disabled people (although not sure at this time how extensive it is!)

You are so right about how depression can make us not see the good in ourselves. I have struggled with that for a long time and its probably true to say that it is holding me back quite a lot. Depression runs in my family anyway so I got the bad luck to have both that and AS but I guess half the problem is solved by identifying it.

As for your job suggestion, that is a good idea. I had not considered that and it has got me thinking. I live near a big port that has a lot of illegal immigrants come over through it via France and other countries in Europe. I think it might be worth investigating the immigration side of things and see if there is any work perhaps relating to this and human rights law.

Thank you lelia

You're welcome.
By the way, my moods have been normalized by taking Effexor and Wellbutrin. I once took paxil but when I lost even the memory of what it was like to desire my husband, I switched because it was not fair to him. It's what I will take if I become a widow. Every few years I need to adjust the dosages when my imagination and energy disappear. Oh, and I take 5-HTP. The first few weeks had supervivid dreams and lots of suicidal ideation, but as I am 54 I have obviously learned how to live with it, and when those bad side effects wore off I had much better sleep and calmer days. I'm telling you this because I want you to know that it is okay to take medication for depression even thought the medication is addictive. It's not your fault your brain does not make enough serotonin. You do need to know the first few weeks of any medication can be rough. And if you can function without it, that's fine too. I did for decades. But unfortunately, the longer one lets depression go on, the deeper it gets because of bad neuron training.

Thank you for your advice.
I feel very wary of taking anti-depressives because my mother has been taking them for years and she always goes on about the side affects. I am not sure if she is being dramatic or not. She reckoned she had over 14 side affects for one make she was on once. I fear being dependent on something like that. I think I could help myself with more natural methods I guess through trying to regulate my hormone levels by taking vitamin B6 and other things.
I am not willing to turn to medication until I have explored the root of the problem.
There must be some way to change my moods. I realise that my serotonin levels are naturally low but I think some cognitive therapy might at least take the edge off the depression if I learn to not make the situation worse.
I am in the process of waiting for an appointment with the hospital but it takes such a long time in the UK! Waiting lists!

I am only 25 so I suppose I might have become "self aware" of the problem before it grows out of control and naturally become a depressed person!

lelia, thank you for your understanding. I find that its hard to talk to people who do not know how things really are as they have this tendancy to just say "stop being so miserable". If it were that easy, we'd all do it!!

Catherine

Yeah, we would. It took years for me to convince my husband that he did not cause my depression and that he could not fix it.

miss_d_bus,

I can relate to much of what you are saying here. Jobs we need, but careers are a just a bad idea.

I had a political science degree too, but was working as a dishwasher. I thought "I'm integlligent, I should have studied computer stuff instead, then I would have a better job". So went back to school got new degree. Now working computer job and hating every minute of it, wishing to be a dishwasher again.

Also, as it turns out, I have really poor interpersonal skills (I am socially ret*d) and absolutely zero ambition to move up inside the organization. I'd say I am a pretty decent programmer and tech person. But who cares: in the office environment I feel very penned in and just awkward and outcast. It's an unnatural setting for human people. Just like a row of cages at a factory-farm is an unnatural place for a bunch of chickens.

If I had known about my AS sooner, I think I would have made some different career choices. I'm just a few years older than you.

I think that's a pretty good idea to try to work out some of the psychological stuff first before rushing straight for the meds. The pills can sometimes make it even more difficult to function at work and in life, from what I've seen of my family members experiences. I haven't taken any such drugs, though I have used alcohol and marijuana in moderation to help with anxiety.

Welcome and thanks for sharing your story.

lelia, thats so typical of men though to think they can fix everything. I read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and it has helped a bit to see how people tick. Although I know we cannot pigeon hole people, I realise that men who try to fix things do this because they care and love. It is this 'I want to make it all better for you' and it is very sweet. It is just so annoying when they do not get it that not everything can be fixed by them! It is good news that your husband now realises this. It must make things easier for you both.

the-over-analyzed, I am relieved to see someone else think careers are a bad idea. I don't like the idea of devoting my life to capitialism when I don't belong there.
I was in danger of falling into the same trap of thinking ermm I have a degree in Political Science and Computing, lets try another subject! I'd die in my 80s with 33 degrees and more debt than the National Debt of the United Kingdom! I've no ambition but thats in life in general. I have to really think what I want to do with all parts of my life. I've come up with have a family and be content with who I am but so far, I've not started working on either goals!
I would love to be a good programmer and actually enjoy it as I would at least have a good job. I design websites but I can't get my head around scripting so it holds me back so much.

I tried to get a job in a hotel once - I didn't get it. I've never could get work in retail either. I also got turned down for dish washing too. Perhaps you could look for work in a university? At least it would be more free and there would be more likeminded people? My experiences of computer science departments suggests this.

Taking drugs is definitely the last resort. I don't want them zapping away any positive emotions I might have !

Washing dishes for hospital and/or university laboratories is fun. You wash out the square quartz test tubes with nitric acid, rinse the pippettes with alchohol, and, oh, I can't remember right now what I washed with sulfuric acid.

Over thinking is definately an AS trait. Mention that to me, my mum or my sister, and you will be bored stupid with a week long discussion on the subject.
I think you probably have it worse than most AS folks, because you have a 'normal' twin that you are being constantly compared to. every little thing that they do right would only make you look worse in the eyes of the forward thinking perfectionists.
If it is of any help, My sister spent five years doing a degree in science with honours, only to never have any interest in getting a job in that field. she is now happily studying accounting.
I have never even managed to complete a diploma let alone a degree. I have plenty of things that I like doing, but nothing that will get me a job.
I dont mean to downplay your situation, only to wish that I had half your ability to study.