shared diagnosis with employer today

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i shared my diagnosis with my boss in supervision today. there has been talk about my wearing boots at work, which i wear every day, because it is quite hot out now and people talk. so i told him why that was. his response was not the most validating response. to focus on the positive first, he was glad that i this 'condition' because i could be eventually certified as a 'peer' in my line of work and that certification would look good for the agency. second, i think he was glad also because of the additional boost to staff diversity. the third positive (because it is in some ways) was the dismissiveness of his response. he returned to 'to me, you're just quirky' and 'try not to make more out of it than it is' (when i talked about possibly sharing it with my staff) and 'thats not your autism, those are just features of your personality' (when i talked about the strengths that being on the spectrum provides me with in the context of the work environment). he ended by saying 'if it begins to effect your work, we can talk more about it, but im very happy with what you do here'.

and im just...i feel invalidated. just in that moment, just for ten minutes i wanted 'me' to be about autism and i wasnt allowed that. i hate that. and in the aftermath of that discussion, i feel as though i am back to where i was: not knowing what is wrong, who i am, how i am, anything at all. i really am tired, just exhausted. i find that im questioning my diagnosis as a result and i hate that. i hate interacting with people. i hate. i hate. i hate.

i just want to 'be' something for once. and allowed to 'be' that something.

epilogue~

tomorrow i am sending a copy of my diagnosis to human resources though. i refuse to be dismissed by the agency at-large.

Wow this sounds really positive. I mean it. From an outside point of view of course.
You're boss disappointed you, sounds pretty normal thing for bosses to do.

"im very happy with what you do here"
OMG shoulda asked him for a pay raise right then!
Most bosses would NEVER admit to that, he must really like you! (ie. your profitability)

He probably minimized the issues BECAUSE he likes you and probably would take that tact with anyone, regarding you.
He'd probably defend you, telling other people that what you do or how you act "isn't that big of a deal, now go back to work ya whiner!"
And he's not a doctor (of course) he just doesn't want any big changes.
Try not to let his 'invalidation' get to you. He probably really doesn't see that it's a big deal to the actual operation of the company.

You're a valuable asset. You didn't really want him to think you were too damaged to work there, did you?

I think it was a fairly positive response. Looking for validation for being autistic at work is likely to be fruitless. Work is all about contribution and productivity. As long as your work is good, things are good.
I think you should take their endorsement as a compliment and continue as before.

Well hey man, we can cling to our labels all we want, but the truth is that none of us has enough knowledge about the human brain to sufficiently define what we are. Any of us. Autistic, schizophrenic, sociopathic, so-called "neurotypical" - we're all a little crazy, and some of us are very crazy.

I think your boss likes you, and was trying to help you feel like you do belong there, and that you do make a positive contribution to your community. You're lucky, I think I would be ostracized at work a lot more than I already am if I told anyone. Right now they just think I'm a weird kinda guy.

Honestly, that sounds like a very positive response. I'm not sure why are you so upset about it. He said you are a good employee and he's happy with your performance. It sounds like you didn't ask for any accommodations either, so I'm confused.

I'm not sure what you hope to achieve if you push it forward other than potential alienation of a boss who finds you a good employee.

This right here. Yeah it's an ignorant response...

...but if you have to get an ignorant response, that is most definitely the one you want.

Of course, I shouldn't even be in here. Yeah, all you high-functioning people really want to take career advice from a housewife....

If you have adapted well enough to be considered merely "quirky" that is not negating your autism. It is just saying that you pass as "quirky" and is a comment on how well you've been able to adapt and function in society. Would you rather be so "autistic" with obvious symptoms that you don't ever get questioned about it?

At a certain point, it actually is all about behaviors. Because as long as you can function on a daily basis, regardless of how exhausting it is for you, that is really what matters on a basic survival level. You can think/feel/experience however the way you want to, but as long as outwardly you can manage your life, you are mainstreamed. Your identity as being "autistic" is not being challenged. I think you said that your boss was very supportive of your diagnosis. I think if you let your autism, OCD thoughts, or anxiety take charge to the point where you start acting MORE autistic to prove a point, then OK, you can do that, but to what end? I know it is easy to get hung up on the details (I'm guilty of that too), but in this case I would say try not to let that small detail override the entire positive interaction with your boss.

Congratulations on "coming out of the closet"!

Am I reading this right? A guy felt invalidated and upset by being completely ignored by his boss and you guys are saying its a positive response. I don't see any positive in this personally. I have a meeting with my employers on monday which I will be attending with my support worker. I have been on stress leave for over 7 months now as I got completely burnt out by trying to fit in with my colleagues, i only realised 8 months ago that I may have Autism and seeked help, which to be honest is quite poor but still I couldn't face going back to work and putting up with such people (your boss sounds like my boss) It is infuriating to be invalidated and not taken seriously specially when you have gathered courage to tell him about it. You have my sympathy. I hope you get a better response from your HR department and that boss apologises for being so rude to you. Good luck

I think when your boss was supposedly being "nice", he is frightened that he will have to do some work into finding out what is it that you have and how will it affect him and his career and he is trying to silence you so that he doesn't have to do any work. He feels that you have taken his criticism to heart and he thinks you are just sad, this is so insulting as he probably doesn't know anything about Autism and how it affects you on a daily basis. He just wants no trouble so he is trying to confuse you. This is sick. My boss would have done exactly that had I told him but i feel these people are not capable of understanding us and are not worthy of our honesty and hence I have involved a support worker to talk to them as they can understand each other better.

I'm just curious... what was the boss supposed to say? You're autistic? Great! I love autistic people?
I think the boss handled it very well and diplomatically. If an employee went to him and said they were bipolar, I think most employers would just say, "OK, thank you for telling me." What else can be said, really?

"to me, you're just quirky" - this points out the behaviors he sees, and to me, usually people who are quirky can be a positive thing

"try not to make more out of it than it is" (when i talked about possibly sharing it with my staff) - he may be trying to give you a hint that wearing it on your sleeve may be met with less than favorable response. Nobody announces, "I'm bipolar" when they're having a bad day, even if they are bipolar. It's somewhat unprofessional.

"thats not your autism, those are just features of your personality' (when i talked about the strengths that being on the spectrum provides me with in the context of the work environment). - Is it so terrible to have positive aspects being attributed to your personality versus autism? Maybe and maybe not. This is the only portion that I would think might be somewhat questionable. I think it is common folklore that being autistic is generally a negative quality, but this is common ignorance about autism spectrum disorders. Unless he has family on the spectrum, he won't necessarily know too much about it, because otherwise who would care to ingest all the tedious details of a medical condition? Most people are going to be ignorant about it, but you should try to realize that your boss is in your corner, and not your enemy just because he doesn't throw you a party about being autistic.

"if it begins to effect your work, we can talk more about it, but im very happy with what you do here" - Probably means, Don't worry about your diagnosis/depression/ocd/bipolar, etc., because we value you and you're safe here, and we will try to accommodate you if necessary, otherwise everything is A-OK. So go ahead and wear the boots, we won't make it an issue.

I think I understand...maybe...? These are my guesses (I'm sorry I couldn't phrase them in question/guess format but that's what they are because I really don't presume to know how you feel or why, nor what your experience is):

People don't often understand how much work goes into just being "quirky" -- "quirky" can be the result of someone's absolute best attempt at "normal" and "appropriate". So when the remaining visible differences ("quirks") are brushed off as nothing, as personality traits, it devalues all the work you have to do to -- it also might make it seem like something you might be able to change a bit if you tried, when in reality you're already doing the best you possibly can and couldn't try any harder.

It sucks when people tell you things about yourself that are clearly wrong, despite you telling them something else that is accurate/right. ("that's not your autism, that's just your personality"?) It's not respectful.

This part: might have just been his attempt to normalize your experience and, ironically, to make you feel more comfortable about it or let you know that he understands you have very real issues but that it doesn't affect an overall positive view of you. (sort of like saying, "It's not a big deal for me so it doesn't have to be a big deal for you" and/or "Don't worry I still see you as a person and I won't start treating you weird.") The problem with the first possibility is that for you, in reality, it may be a very big deal and feeling and being seen as "just like everybody else" might not be practical, and from a social/emotional standpoint may not be as important as being understood for who you are, differences and all.

For the sake of argument, lets assume the boss's reaction is reasonable, I don't understand how your advice will help the individual posting this thread. All you are doing is invalidating him and saying his boss is right, who he wants to have jolly good moan about if nothing else to feel better and in my opinion has come to this forum with the hope that he will be heard and understood. Obviously, I can't speak for the individual as I don't know him but I have lost all interest in posting anything that's emotionally upsetting for me because I know that i won't be heard or understood as you will side with the person i am moaning about.
I have a feeling that you are probably a parent or a boss yourself and hence doing this to make yourself feel better.
To me it is pretty apparent from the picture of the sad pumpkin that he is upset about the whole thing so how is saying that his boss's reaction is normal going to help the chap? You decide....

Ps: animalcracker the above is NOT intended for you, I agree with what you have written.

My question is, What would the OP have liked to hear that would have made him feel better?

My other question is, if you are a genius and happen to be autistic, do you think you are a genius BECAUSE you are autistic or can you simply just be a genius who happens to be autistic? If I am hyperaware of details and am super organized can that simply be part of my personality even if I happen to be on the spectrum? Or does it have to be *because* I'm on the spectrum? I think this is perhaps what the boss may have been driving at. Is that man super creative because he's gay? Or could he simply be gay AND creative?

Perhaps the boss should have said something like, Wow, I'm sure that wasn't easy for telling me that, Thank you. If you run into any issues with anyone about it let me know...

Would that have made OP feel better? That is probably a better response from the boss but it took me hours to think of that, I would imagine anyone else might have been taken by surprise and not known what to say. Maybe the boss was caught off guard and couldn't find the right words on the fly. Thank goodness I'm not a boss because I can't think on my feet that fast. Given the circumstances, sure, OP's boss probably could have done better, but I think the guy did the best he could under the unusual circumstances.

PS Sorry for coming across as insensitive to OP. I guess we all want to feel validated to some degree. I just don't know if it was reasonable to expect such validation from his boss. I probably would not have said anything to my boss, but then again that's my own issue. I think it was brave of him to be able to say it nonetheless.

Mikasyna, I liked your response.

Muff, like other posters are saying, I think your boss was trying to be positive. I am glad that you got that response.

When I tried to talk about having a disability at my first job, I was told that people don't talk about it (which is not true, because people here obviously do).

It may be hard to realize this, but because we know a lot about autism, that does not always mean that our employers do.

I wouldn't want to reveal that to a "Boss" without a confirmed Diagnosis by a Neuro or Clinical Psych. Knowing my luck, they would ask for it and if I didn't have it, they would think I was making it up as an excuse for my specific performance issues or behavior. And, as things usually go, "Word" would get around that I was "Special" or something and get ridiculed for it.