Not being able to make friends/fit in on job

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Did anyone have the problem of wanting to fit in or make friends on the job but was unable to, and then resign yourself to this? It seems like every job I'm on I'm always the one left out...people go to lunch together or sometimes out after work, and don't invite me unless the whole company is invited. Then when I do go to the company things I never have anything to say.

It happened again yesterday. Someone had a birthday, and they invited everyone in the company to lunch. I went, and again didn't have much to say. Then I think after work a bunch of them (including I believe most of the other members of the department I work in) went somewhere after work to celebrate, and didn't invite me. (I don't know this for sure, but suspect it based on a couple things I saw/heard.)

Most of us have been working here a year or less, and because most people are fairly new people are all getting to be good friends, all except me.

It really hurts when I see people going off to lunch together and I'm not invited, so that I've started leaving for lunch really early and getting on a bus to go to a different part of downtown for my lunch (I work in an area that's a separate neighborhood but is attached to our downtown--we have an hour for lunch so I can get downtown, grab something and eat it, and get a bus back in less than an hour.) Otherwise I'm afraid to go to lunch in any of the places near here in case I run into the people who went to lunch and didn't invite me.

And I can't ask anyone to lunch because they would probably say no. I was going to ask the birthday person to lunch yesterday before they asked all of us, but was afraid to. If I saw people all going in a big group, I would never presume to ask if I could join them because I feel that if they wanted me they woudl have asked me.

What I want to be able to do is not care about any of this. I get along with people OK for the job, and work quite a bit on my own anyway, and people are nice even if they don't like to hang around with me, so if I could just forget about going to lunch with people I wouldn't have a problem. I would even be OK at the company things because I wouldn't be thinking "Oh, these people don't like me; they didn't invite me to ________ last week" although I still probably wouldn't be able to think of much to say. There would be a problem if I had to talk to the owner of the company, because I'm scared of him, but that's a different story. So all I need to do is stop thinking I have to socialize with anyone at work unless it's a company-sponsored thing.

Yep, completely. People sometimes try to include me, but so many times I see EVERY other employee eating together or going to do something, and I am excluded.

NTs exclude us from their group activities.Should we be upset?Personally I don`t miss their small talk,chit chat,false personas etc.
Try to link up with other AS people in your work area.
Or buy a good book.

Wasn't it one of the Marx bros. who said, 'I wouldn't be a member of any club that would have me as a member'?

yep, groucho marx

I don't think there are any Aspies here, and if there were they probably would be part of the engineering staff, and I'm not so they would probably think I'm dumb or boring.

you mean where you live right? when i first read that, i thought meant this site. it sounded kind of out there.

You may want to find an activity you enjoy that you can do during your lunch break. That way, you don't feel so left out or have to endure awkward silence while eating with the others.

A couple of places I worked had ponds stocked with wildlife on the premises. I would spend most of my lunch hour outside eating and enjoying the fresh air and peaceful environment. I would also feed ducks, turtles and these Koi fish that would eat anything I threw at them. It sure was a heck of a lot more enjoyable than sitting indoors in some stuffy break room.

Oh, that would be lovely. I wish we had something like that. There is a nice little neighborhood with lots of stores, shops, etc. but like I said I don't want to keep running into people from work who excluded me from their outing. I could probably take a bus somewhere not too far away though.

Sorry about that --- I meant where I work!

It sounds like you have a good gameplan. It also sounds like you enjoy your job. So I wouldn't worry about it. I often take a short lunch, and I relax in my car with my Ipod to recharge from the social nightmare of my current job. I start a new job in 2 weeks, so the worst will be over. (I'll be working a graveyard shift.) I don't mind being on my own; what bothers me is all the garbage and assumptions people invent about who I am because I do not participate in their raindeer games. If I make an effort to engage, there are comments about my comments; if I'm tired and stay at my desk without a word, there are comments about no comments. It's very frustrating. I have no idea what works and what doesn't. Doing my job is not enough, which why I can't wait to leave.

dontwanttoknow
May I ask what you work with?

dontwanttoknow, I read this post and wanted to respond to this. I just signed up for this site to post on here.

I really relate to that since I feel like that at work all the time. In the past I've always ended up quitting jobs because I just couldn't deal with the social part of it. Too much trying to figure out what everybody is thinking and what their motives are.

And it doesn't help either that alot of people in these offices GENUINELY are a bunch of sneaky back-stabbers, and it's not just "in my imagination". That type of person can be hard to deal with for anybody I guess, and especially so for me or us.

I don't really have like a solution or any advice, but just wanted to let you know that I struggle with social stuff at work too and feel like crap alot of the time over it.




Yep me too, not sure how...



I hope you're able to find a good balance at work and that it works out for you.

I figured out why I'm not included in these awesome "group things" at work.
Everybody at my office thinks I am an a-hole. Really I'm a very nice person but people are constantly mis-interpreting, mis-understanding, and mis-representing me. I must be sending out some a-hole vibrations by mistake. I really hope I don't end up having to quit this job.

But thank you for making your post on this forum so I could see other people have similar problems.

I'm sorry that you are getting on the bus to go to another part of town for lunch to avoid the awkwardness, and hoping nobody sees you. That sounds like something I would do too.

(start rage)
Sometimes I think that we are the "normal" ones and everybody else are the "mental cases." They would have to be a bunch of nut cases to all go out in a group and leave one person sitting there by themselves without an invite.
(end rage)

Again thanks.

Since we do not always show that we are interested (body language) they may not be asking because you don't seem to want to be with them (in their eyes). NT's respond to body language in ways we do not. In their eyes we may seem to be not interested in doing things with them.

When this is the case, asking works wonders. They realize you are interested in going out and include you on future outings. If you have had very little dealings with them then there is unlikely to be other issues so it's probably a case of mis-judgement of your interests on their part.

Next time when you think their going out after work, ask casually if anything is going on later, you want to hit a bar (club etc.).

Its the rolling of the eyes, the catching of someone else's eye on the team and giving that 'knowing' look. It is the woman that sits across from me that got the beautiful flowers on her 2 anniversary with her boyfriend and the email that they had reservations for a fabulous dinner and how everyone else said oh, he was sure to pop the question and the next day we didn't hear anything, nor the next day and then she started making fun of me again, trying to bring others into her shaming of me (although I sit right next to her for almost a year and a half now, do the same job as she does, I don't know how she thinks "the ret*d' can do that, however)

Today I just about stood up and said "Look! I'm AUTISTIC, of COURSE you think I am a ret*d" but I got a better idea. I calmed down and later had a cozy one on one with the woman who wouldn't play her game. I just told her I saw the eye roll and let her know I was autistic. She sorta looked at me and realized I was not kidding. I LOVE that part. It is like every idea they have ever had about autism melts down their faces and puddles up on the floor. I didn't get into high functioning Asperger's Syndrome yada yada yada cause it would just confuse the issue and anyway. . I made my point. I also told her that my supervisor knew and so did the supe across the way. And that her good buddy Lauri knew and so did Charise (all on our 'team') And THEN, I said I wasn't telling many people because the supervisors wanted to see which people treated me badly so they would know who to promote into the managers (that they need so desparately there and they promote from inside)

nothing like getting a little respect around the office.
and if it doesn't work?

well, I have looked for jobs before this when I DIDN'T take the bull by the horns, so what is the difference. I learned that from a black guy working in South Dakota with me at Gateway 2000 Inc. No one had been around a black guy and gave him the benefit of EVERYTHING in order to not be thought a bigot. I had worked around black guys and gals before so I just happen to mention he must be really getting over and he started chuckling and we became really good friends.
So now it is my turn.

Merle

I used to have that problem. Now I don't care. When I go into the lunchroom, I usually go to a table by myself. Half the time, other co-workers will join me. Sometimes, I get to eat lunch by myself (with my book). I don't much care either way.