Honest job application

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A bit of humour. If you were really honest on a job application, what would you put?

Mine:

I hate people. I really, really f*****g hate them. I do not want to work with them.
Working in a team just slows me down. In my experience it goes like this:
1. Attempt to communicate ideas.
2. Team members do not comprehend.
3. Finally get my ideas through their thick skulls.
4. Nothing ever happens.
Doing nothing without having to communicate first would be quicker and easier. Even better, I could be uncommunicative and get stuff done!
I am not a bubbly people person. I am pathologically introverted with a twisted and morbid sense of humour. I love dead baby jokes. I love Sickapedia.
However, I am also mercenary, and I will pretend to like your customers for money. I will smile at them and ask how their day is. I am a convincing actor. I promise not to threaten to sacrifice them to Lord Satan. Not even the difficult ones.
Speaking of difficult customers, I am actually quite good at dealing with them. Not caring about what they think really helps when you're trying not to get upset. I'm a pro at staying calm, not taking their crap personally, and finding out what the problem is so that we can fix it.
I will work in teams but you can't make me like it. If I'm with adults who can focus on the task at hand rather than personal politics, it really helps.
Now for my strengths and experience.
I've primarily worked as a music teacher. I've done both one-on-one work and small group lessons. This may surprise you in light of my earlier statement about really, really f*****g hating people; however, teaching and music offer certain advantages.
Teaching allows me to be in the position of authority and, to a fair degree, to dictate how the interaction will proceed. It allows me to indulge my propensity to blabber on and on about my pet subject, and it's the perfect environment for my very strong "I'm right and you're wrong" reflex. If a student is incorrect, I can calmly and rationally discuss it with them without any threats about management being called. Hell, I can even be mildly sarcastic and point out when a student is being irrational without it provoking a meltdown! But enough with the comparing of 7-year-old piano students to adults doing their grocery shopping...
The fact that I teach music is advantageous because
1. It's a lifelong obsession, which means it doesn't get boring.
2. Having a clear subject means I don't run out of things to talk about.
3. I know a lot about it.
I've done it for a long time, so a good deal of it I could do in my sleep. Here, I'll teach you how it's done, Just make a tape of yourself saying "keep your wrists up... have you thought about the fingering for that passage?... the pedal is not there to cover poor keyboard technique... no, you aren't a bad musician, it's normal to find that difficult... and you never will be able to do it if you don't try". For the wind instruments, add "air support: to that tape.
I've also worked in retail. In the store where I volunteer, I can do everything except things only the manager is allowed to do. I probably could do most of those if I was authorised to.
To be specific, my duties include general tidying and cleaning, stock replenishment, stock rotation, assisting with stocktaking, customer service, operating the register and EFTPOS machine, processing laybys and holds, tagging clothing, merchandising, operating the steaming machine, and some basic admin duties.
One of my biggest strengths is the speed at which I learn new tasks; the general reaction is "Oh my God.". I'm also brilliant at working alone without supervision, and I can deal with repetitive tasks without getting bored. While my social communication is... well, broken, my ability to clearly communicate information is superior.
My written communication is great, and I have a Master's degree, so my academic writing skills are solid, to say the least.
Putting me near books or musical instruments is probably dangerous, as I'll play the instruments and read the books. Putting me near extroverts is worse, as I'll plot their bloody deaths.

I'd hire you.

I've always wanted to put under "In case of emergency, contact;" "911, for the love of God are you that dumb and going to be my boss?"

Also "Have you ever been convicted of a crime other than minor traffic" "Convicted? No. I was never convicted".

Things you wish you could say on an application, but shouldn't.

I've always wanted to treat the whole thing like dating.

Wanted: one employer which uses clear, written instructions. I'll be good at almost anything you want me to be, at least if it involves computers, writing, or data analysis. You be willing to pay me an industry commiserate wage and insure me. We'll be mutually loyal for the next twenty to forty years. I'll solve your problems, you solve mine. Want me to work with others? I can, but it won't be my best skill. Want me to travel? I can, at least a little. Want me to get more education? I'll be there with bells on.

Let me show you the broad palate of my skills and you can restore faith in a meritocracy for me.

I tried sharing this on another board.

That most were "unsympathetic" is an understatement.

Did you point out that it was humour?

I'm not surprised that they were unsympathetic; they're probably the type who've benefited from the whole culture of "your social skills are more important than your hard skills".

Not really, but since the article says what we all probably think about the interview process, I felt that while it was a lampoon of the real world, it reflected something real at the same time.