So I've been looking for jobs once more, needing to do so as I need to pay off my student loans. As in, I'm almost out of time before I burn off the last of my loan refund and become flat broke. Problem is, I've been trying in earnest for 4 or 5 years now to little effect. For background information, in terms of Asperger's I was never officially diagnosed but was suspected and tested at one point with a standardized multiple choice test. I was in special education classes when I was really little because I did not speak but after kindergarten was talking just enough for me to only need a weekly appointment with the school social worker. I remember asking one of my therapists as a teenager if I should be retested for that and was more or less blown off to where I've since been hesitant to bring it up unless a professional brings it up.
I had tried vocational rehab last year when I had gotten back home from school, and I did manage to land a temp job, but I had screwed that up by freaking out about being late my first day and never showed, then screwed up going to an interview because I thought I'd be getting a ride but didn't, my dad was just starting on a project and not wanting to inconvenience my job coach as she has leg problems. Eventually, my case was closed after a discussion with my coach and job counselor where I felt largely misunderstood and ignored. As in, I was told it was my depression that made me not want to make eye contact, despite telling them that it had always been a problem. I'm guessing that since I don't have an official diagnosis (despite having the suspicions of having Asperger's for years from around 10 people I can vouch for being knowledgeable on the subject/have Asperger's themselves) means all my problems automatically default to 'it's the depression'. Overall, my experience with that was negative and, six months after, I can say that it probably left me worse off since I kept messing up and not feeling supported through those times., my updated resume was full of typos that I had to recreate as I never received the raw .doc form the .pdf was created from, and just largely feeling misunderstood about what I needed out of the VR, which could be boiled down to confidence.
Anyway, I've since moved and am starting the job search once more. I applied to a job earlier this week that was posted on Craigslist. Put in a short letter, attached my resume, and sent it out. Few days after, I get a response saying to complete the attached application and mail it in. I open said document, and am crestfallen to see that I have to have a car for the job. Thing is, I don't have a car or a license and I don't want a car anyway as I don't feel the environmental, financial, health drawbacks would be worth it. The location of the job also doesn't truly warrant that I have a car (I could get there with public transportation easy). The biggest punch to the gut has to be though that it was for a position with good hours that I was certain I'd like, pertain to my interests and be comfortable and competent at. It feels like a joke fate pulls on me, for me to be so close to having something only to have one little thing go wrong that ruins the opprotunity.
I am wondering though if I should fill out the application and mail it in anyway. I mean, I was reading this one book while I was working with vocational rehabilitation and learned, among many things, all requirements don't necessarily have to be met. I'm not sure if this would be one of those times, as I definitely have the skills and can learn quickly through training the ones I don't.
This newest thing really put a dent in my confidence that I'd ever find a job. I mean I'm constantly criticizing myself and not seeing myself as good enough to do a job right, and am scared of all the uncertainty of what may happen at the workplace, so I literally have to fight through that just to apply in the first place, then remember not to screw up the phone screening, then the interview, then training, then the social hierarchy of the workplace, then my job duties. It's even where I'm scared to step out into the world of self-employment as there are a world of unknowns that I'd have to deal with essentially on my own.
I don't want to be seen as a failure and a lazy deadbeat by my parents, and I seriously don't want them to be made to make those payments for me, and... well... for that I'd do whatever is necessary to ensure they don't have to. So far, living in this new environment with a friend's family away from home and having at the very least moderate social interaction has been considerably better than home where I had little to no social interaction on an average day. I do have skills, thanks to my years in community college and my year at an art college, so I know the major Adobe Suite programs, Maya, I can get around Office well enough and I received both industry and school certification for computer repair (though no associate's).
I could use encouragement or advice or just about anything when it comes to this, honestly.
11 Oct 2014, 2:33 am
