Work problems...

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Hello!

This is my first post here. I'm writing because I wanted to ask for your help as I have no idea what to do.

Couple days ago I had a very inappropriate situation at work. I ignored my colleague in the elevetor. I noticed she is there but for some reason (I have no idea why) I didn't even say hello to her. And I didn't even realise that my behaviour was bad, untill I overheard her telling about this to some other colleague. This is the first time such situation happened to me. I always had problems with social interactions but not to the point where I would ignore people I know. Of course no one at my workplace know that I have AS so she just assumed that I'm being rude on purpose. I tried to apologise to her, telling that I had a really bad day and me ignoring her had nothing to do with her, but I can tell that she is still angry with me. As I don't want to have any more enemies at work (I already have one, which is a really looong story), I was considering telling her that I'm an aspie so she could understand, but on the other hand I don't want to use my AS diagnosis as an excuse. I am more that confident, that if I tell her about my AS she won't tell anybody, but still I have some second thoughts about telling her, as I don't want to be labeld. I know now that my behaviour was very bad and uncool and just want to explain the situation and make things right.

I still don't understand my behaviour that day and myself in general (I am 24 and was diagnos with AS not that long ago), which is really driving me crazy... Btw. I also noticed that I am getting more and more distant for some time now (couple of weeks), and don't feel like meeting my friends and talking to anyone.

Any sugesstions?

All the best for you guys!
Sophie

you apologized. that is all that's necessary. what you did isn't horrible. if the person continues to hold it against you, she is being petty.

about withdrawing in general, is there a chance that you're getting depressed?

I agree with cathylynn. You told her you had a bad day and that you were sorry, she can't ask more of you. I would just go on acting like I didn't dislike her; she would have to be convinced of this eventually. I definitely would not tell a person who held a grudge against me that I had asperger's, as I would not trust that person not to tell anyone. But then again I don't know your colleague.

I know it is common for people with asperger's to not always greet people we know. We are typically overly polite and remember to say "thank you" and "yes please" but saying "hi" is often avoided or forgotten. I don't know why...

I agree with cathylynn too. These things seem really raw at first (rawer for us), but they do blow over. You have to remember that people are so caught up in their own lives they rarely give you a thought. It was smart of you to apologize, but for godsake don't tell her you have aspergers. She was probably sharing the episode, not to be catty, but perhaps as a huh, this was weird, what do you think, type thing. I doubt the other person even remembers.

When I'm in an elevator it feels like a shower or some sort of private place where I should be quiet. I don't think what you did was bad at all, and I think you handled it really well.

I may be wrong but if you were already in the lift when your colleague entered then she should have said greeted you first. The same applies to when a person walks into a room. Even if that's not the case, I don't think you did anything unforgivable. You apologized and she should've graciously accepted and not backbited you to another colleague. I hate backbiters and gossipers. Their only intention to to make others look bad and themselves good.

Thank you for your responses. I think you are right and thus I won't tell her anything. It is very hard for me to go this place now. I'll copy my post in another thread:

This situation is very difficult for me, because I know that I will be around her more often very soon, and I am in the field where there is no way of not seeing each other. And also I am hoping that if I tell her it'll be easier for me to go there. I have a feeling, that maybe telling her would help her understand me (becasue mybe i confronted her in a rude way, I don't know) and help our work relationship. She's a doctor so she knows what AS is. It's just that I havn't shared that I have AS with anyone (not even my family) and don't know how to handle this (telling anyone and AS in general). I was diagnosed couple months ago, but I'm having trouble getting the support I need in terms of medical help (in my country only kids get help, not adults), so the situation is quite difficult for me.

@cathylynn - maybe I am depressed, I don't know. It is really hard to tell. Because for example when I am with my mom and brother I feel great and I am happy. It's just that I am getting misunderstood by other people very often and I just don't want to deal with them. The problem is that I live alone on weekdays...

Last edited by yang on 11 Sep 2014, 1:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

And also, when she was telling about the situation in the elevator to another friend, there were other people in the room, with one of whom I work... And she was telling it outloud, because I was standing in the hallway and could hear her...

Does anyone have an idea on what to do next with regard to my second problem i mentioned? I would be gratefull for guidelines...

This woman sounds like she has very low self-esteem and self-respect for that matter. She needs to draw attention to herself and what better way to get people to take notice of her than to broadcast someone else's 'faults'. Please don't worry about her. Seeing is believing and if people see you're a nice and thoughtful person they will believe that over anything anyone else is saying.


The problem here is that this toxic woman is making you feel unhappy. Technically that is not depression as then you wouldn't feel happy around your Mum and brother. Do you think you can ignore her? Do other people still treat you the same before? If so, you should ignore her. If you can't do that, and you feel that your ignoring her in the lift was a symptom of your condition, then write her a note explaining about your condition. I don't think mentioning one has ASD is wrong. If I had a broken leg I'd expect others to understand why I can't run and make allowances for me, so why not with having aspergers? It could well bring you the relief you need.