Suffer for money and vocational success?

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Hi all...I'm probably mostly venting but just in case there is someone who has gone through a similar conundrum, I'd love some advice here.

I have a recurring issue with full-time work where I get overwhelmed by the tasks, confused, don't know what to do, can't get the answers I need, and it leads to depression and hypersomnia and eventually I quit. (This is for jobs that I actually think I'm suited to, rather than the other sort of jobs that I can DO but they don't challenge my brain at all and I fall asleep due to boredom rather than stress.)

I've been recently devastated by events where I managed, after 1.5 years of trying, to get my "dream job"...and only lasted a few months before quitting due to the reasons above. Since then I've been trying to reassess everything and decide what is best for me and my health. I've moved to the country and am looking only for part-time work (as I can hopefully handle that much even in a tough job). But to be independent I need a bit more money, so I applied for Disability Support Pension. I just had my final interview and it seems unlikely I'll qualify as I just come across as too high-functioning.

At the same time, I'm being head-hunted for a full-time role that pays much more than I've ever earned before, and is a more senior role than I've ever done. The company is very keen for me to apply so I'm almost guaranteed to get it. It's a 6 month contract with probable future funding, so I could quit after 6 months without feeling too guilty. But just trying to fill out an application is stressing me tremendously, and I can foresee that I'll follow the same path of being overwhelmed, stressed, depressed.

Is it a good idea to go for this job, in case I'm actually quite good at it, and if not just save a bucketload of money in the 6 months so I can afford to work part-time for a while? Thinking about the s**t time I had in my last job, I'm just not sure it's worth it. Worth the impact on my mental health.

I suppose the overarching question is:
Is it better to strive to utilise my intelligence to succeed financially like most people strive to do, or is it okay to choose to "waste" my intelligence and put my health first, being severely underpaid for the rest of my life?

It has been said, "Work at a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." What utter bullsh!t! How can I work at a job I love when the job eventually becomes a nightmare?

Indeed. The actual main duties in this "dream job" I was really good at and really enjoyed, but that didn't make up for the stress the rest of the job caused.

Girl... I feel you. My last job, where I hid out for so many years, was below my skill level a little and painfully boring for the most part, but, I got to control my environment and I could work on some interesting projects for a few weeks at a time, which kept me kind of engaged.
But, as I grew my family, suddenly, I'm needing more money. So I finally finished school and started looking for a new job, because it's what I *should* do. So, I decided the types of jobs I wanted, mentally challenging, secure companies, long-term job security.
But, now I've finally got the job? OMG, the stress isn't uber-high all the time, but, the environment and and couple of interpersonal issues are a constant low-level stress to me.
Quitting isn't an option, but, it takes it's toll on me. I have to hide in the bathroom, or shut down, or go for walks. And I find myself resenting being talked to in the evening because of the constant chatter during the day. I love my family, but, two of them just don't GET how much I need a break from talking, especially repetition. My oldest son is cool, he's the same as me.

So, I power through THAT, then, once my family goes to bed, I just sit up and stim in the dark by myself. I need sleep, I'm always tired now, but, I can't go without that alone time. I just wonder how long I can deal with this and keep it up. And I'm stressed out by an upcoming cube move just because I know the noise and movement will be even worse after it. I've known about this move longer than anyone since I help with the space planning, so it's been wearing on me for months.

I'll be honest, I'm trying to find another job. Similar, but, consulting. So, I'd work from home most of the time, and only do short client visits. I can deal with it in short bursts, and think having evenings alone in a hotel to recover would work.

But, then, I worry that maybe I'm just deluding myself that I'd be able to handle it. I don't work in that large of an industry that I'd want to fail miserably for that company or it's clients because then boring low-paying jobs might be all I could be offered in the future). And, obviously, I'm stressed out like crazy at the thought of THAT because consulting doesn't have the same level of job security that my current work does, so maybe the benefits will outweigh the negatives or maybe it'll be worse.

Babbling and navel-gazing, sorry.


I wish I had some advice to help you, but, all I've got is sympathy that I know it can be a struggle.

Your health is more important than anything else. I have severe mental problems from being a combat medic in Iraq, and am just recently making progress on my disability claims with the VA, after 10 years.

The only time I was at peace was when I did the Appalachian Trail. Being in the woods is calming and relaxing. Living in society, I am stressed and angry all the time, and take meds. I'm in college, but as a chemistry major, the studying is brutal. I had to quit this semester, and going to hit it again in the spring. I like chemistry a lot, and hope to graduate eventually, but I start overstressing tests, ect.

I've thought about dumping school and going to live in the woods, but I have knee issues I'm working on. But my health is more important than 60K worth of student loans. If it comes to that, I may just go live in the woods anyways. My happiness is more important than anything else.

I'm struggling with this *should* business myself, however I don't have the reasons that you have to pursue more money, security, etc. There's no family to provide for and I don't feel the need to own a house. But despite that it still seems that doing what most other people strive to do is the right thing.


I even wonder about this. Is it actually just as unhealthy to give up on challenging roles? Would being "less than I can be" take its toll on my mental well-being? I don't know.

I used to complain about my job until they fired me and I became homeless.

Nowadays, I am grateful to even have a job!

As Drew Carey once said, "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY..."

Welcome to the Working World.

Even if I didn't have a family to support, I'd still need a job with good medical benefits, so, the 'should' will always be there.

Yes, yes it does, unfortunately. Being disengaged day in and day out, you'll find that you no longer just tolerate activities but you actively grow to hate them. It's not a great place mentally to stay. Frustration and resentment are pretty miserable, too.

It is difficult to tell without knowing more about the situation (I understand you may not want to disclose many details).

I have had two jobs which were, in terms of title and role, the same. They did vary significantly in terms of workload (one was relaxed, the other continuous), company ethos, and co-workers (it was nice to have intelligent colleagues [at the good job one was probably AS, at the bad one {who was my supervisor} was low functioning nurotypical]) and the atmosphere was very different.

I have enjoyed full time plus at some jobs, but disliked part time at others.

Would this new job have the same downsides as the previous "bad" job you had or is there a potential that it would be ok.

Does the new company know of your AS? Can you ask them to make some accommodation such as a different form of communication of tasks if required.

There's a difference between not liking your job and not being able to handle the stress and office politics to the point that you get depressed and lose the ability to enjoy life.

It really depends on how severe your mental health issues are. There's no point going for the job if you're completely burned out already. On the other hand, it does sound like a great opportunity, and knowing that the stress could be temporary, if it comes up, would probably make it easier to get through it.

I think the dichotomy between choosing to waste your intelligence and your health isn't useful. You're only giving yourself the options of doing something you should feel guilty for or something that damages you. I know it's not easy, but ultimately you'll have to decide whether it's mostly your anxiety holding you back from accepting this job or whether you're simply not able to handle any stress at the moment. If they really want you, maybe you could negotiate a part-time arrangement?

This new job has much more potential to have the stress downsides than any other job I've had, simply because it's a more senior role and involves things I've never done before. On the other hand that could be a good thing, maybe these new things would suit me. So...there's potential for it to go either way.

The new company does know about my AS. One of the interviewers rang me up to push me to apply, and I threw all sorts of things at him including my AS and he wasn't deterred, he still wants me to apply and said it's a very supportive workplace. The problem is no matter how much they WANT to help, there are issues that are just so hard to explain let alone get the support I need.


I don't have any current anxiety and I feel like I can handle stress right now. That has been my approach, historically. I go in thinking "yeah I can do this!" then it's a disaster. I'm trying to think properly about this beforehand, so I don't make the same mistakes. I haven't worked for a few months now so I'm itching to do something, but that's no reason to do something unhealthy.


Anyhow, I have my interview in two days, and have warned them I have lots and lots of questions

I think that the key is to do whatever makes you happy. If you really feel that you are incapable of doing particular jobs, then there is no reason to suffer through them - quality of life is far more important than money or career development (but of course, money and career development both influence quality of life pretty majorly).

Still, I would recommend trying to figure out why you get so stressed out at your jobs, and work on preventing yourself from getting that way again. Based on what you said, I think that it has more to do with you than with the job itself, and I can definitely relate. At my current job for example, I absolutely love it, but in many ways I don't have the experience to know how to do half of the things that I do on a daily basis. Many of the things I work on are a huge responsibility that I'm not used to having, and can feel overwhelming. To get by this, I spend a lot of time asking questions from more senior people and do the best job that I can. I've been there over a year now, and I'm only just getting to where I can be somewhat self-sufficient in a lot of my work. If my best isn't good enough (but so far it has been!), then I can at least say I tried. At the end of the day, as long as you do your best, then that's all that can be asked of you. Then, I leave all my work in my office and go home and forget about it .

You're leaving the jobs on your own, so it's not like you're getting fired. I'm sure you're doing just fine at them, and it is perfectly acceptable to tell your boss or supervisor if you feel like you're getting overwhelmed by the work. In many instances they will work with you...it is a lot of work to hire new people, so they want to keep you when they do!

Without a doubt. I haven't found a low-paying, low-stress job that has made me happy either though. I'd be satisfied with something that just doesn't make me depressed, happiness at work is a whole new level.


Yeah, it's things that don't seem to bother other people as much. Things that are a part of these higher paying jobs ("responsibility" would probably cover a lot of it fairly well). And also I get to a point where I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do, and I don't get the right answers when I ask for help because they give the answer an NT would understand, but I don't. And I don't know how to explain...err...how I need them to explain things (mostly because I don't even know). So I'm not sure how to "do the best job that I can" because I just don't even know how to begin.


Indeed, I leave before my work performance drops significantly. Depression and stress creeps in before it is apparent that I'm lost. The first time this happened, I tried to quit and my employer wouldn't let me. They sent me to a psychiatrist, then put me on graduated return to work plan, then I was able to quit when this still wasn't working. The next time it happened, I tried to quit and I disclosed my AS and they gave me my old job back which was a more junior role. Then I was able to quit when this still wasn't working. Looks like the beginnings of a pattern to me and I don't want to go through it again. That's the fear I have.

Do you have an example? I think if there are no clear instructions, people probably don't care how you do things as long as you achieve whatever you get paid for. If you don't know how to do it at all and don't have the resources to learn, it sounds like a training problem that should be addressed by the company.

Anyway, what you're doing now sounds like a good approach, finding out as much as possible about the role and the environment. Good luck for the interview!

I completely relate to this thread. I get bored with low responsibility jobs and that makes me depressed, but I get stressed out with high responsibility jobs and that makes me depressed.

I'm job hunting at the moment and I just don't have the confidence that I am going to be able to do another design/marketing type job, but I can't bear the thought of going back to office/admin work. I feel trapped.