My 'employment' story...could use some advice

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OK i'll try to keep this short as possible - only like 15 pages or so - kidding

So i was diagnosed in july with Aspergers. I am 35 y/o male formally diagnosed with ADHD as a child. They say I have both now which makes sense I suppose. Reading the posts on this site regarding employment has been a huge eye opener. I went from feeling uniquely inadequate to almost cliche in like 2 mins. I always knew I was the only common denominator when it came to the struggles I have faced at work and not just the unluckiest person alive when it came to bitchy and abusive bosses. I started working at GEICO insurance in 2003 and somehow managed to stay there until 2010 and actually got a few promotions under my belt to boot. I attribute this to having convinced myself I was ADHD only and a bit quirky and somehow developed social 'skills' (or at least pretended to) at a rapid pace. I hit some major roadbumps mainly in the the first 2 years (i.e. saying offensive things thinking they were 'shock humor', childish behavior, negativity and constant complaining, always talking after every call i took about that call and doing so VERY LOUDLY, etc etc). I think it came down to the luck of the draw w/ direct superiors....if i found one that thought i was funny and entertaining I was in like Flynn - if i got the old stick in the mud I might as well just stay home.

To the point..... .... ok so GEICO went downhill fast in 2010 following a BIG promotion I received. I had been under the same supe for close to 2 years and she LOVED me to death. I was her funny little nerdboy at work and everyone knew I was her 'pet'. With her as my supe I was invicible! I performed marvelously and got away with murder! Then....to my glorious surprise I got promoted to my own desk w/ my own extension and my own claims files! This is huge at this job - BUT - I ended up with a supervisor that might as well have been allergic to me in a violent way. Everything I did or said was reason to call me down in front of EVERYONE! I was miserable - I cried daily before work and my wife (then girlfriend) was heartbroken for me. It was like I was in a nightmare where everything I tried to do to fix the problem made it worse if it had any effect at all....I couldnt function at work constantly dwelling on how horribly I was made to feel on a daily basis!

So I quit that job and went to a diff. company....same thing happened there....so on to another company.....same thing but magnified 100 times! This lady was a demon incarnate. I almost punched her a few times had she not been a women i def'ly would have!

I got fired AGAIN - went to work at TW Cable and after 1 1/2 yrs got fired AGAIN! This time I knew my issues and went to my supes (had 7 supes in 1.5 yrs there) and did much better communication-wise. However now I find myself incapable of managing my time on the phones, getting to work on time, long breaks and lunches, and the list goes on. Now this wasn't me being a stubborn idiot.....I seriously could NOT get a handle on this s**t!

So I went from a good job w/ good $$ and nice cars and clothes and a pretty wife - now we're living in Hell with her mother and drunken step-dad...we are broke to a degree close to pure hobo status trying to find enough stuff to sell away to make rent/bills and I am so depressed I won't even say the things I have considered doing. I am so overwhelmed with life I cannot breathe, function, communicate with my family, or be a good husband! My wife and her mom are supportive but they still don't get it! They are both disabled and don't work and expect me and her step dad to support them all but I seriously think I am not cut out for employment period. I will just lose job after job after job because I have no idea how to fix these problems. I've tried so many things but inevitably I just forget to do them and obsess over video games and s**t! When I come to them about options for me to go on SSDI they get angry and tell me its not an option. Nobody seems to understand this is just as bad if not worse than a physical illness.

So I'm sure a large # of you have been through this. Please give me some input - what do i do!?

I don't think you want advice. Reading your post, its seems to me that you know you have issues meshing with the work environment. You are not in control of yourself, are not in control of your behaviors and have demonstrated that you believe that you are flawed. Compact that with the number of years that you've been running this gamut and the length of your post detailing experiences which just back up your negative self view and admission of behavior.

I see several solutions to your problem but I doubt you will like them, as you have probably considered them before and failed to confront yourself.
1)get serious about your mental condition, apply SSDI, get some counseling from local services and spend a few years getting pinged through the welfare state system. Hopefully getting more independence while a therapist will tell you the same exact thing each session until you commit to positive changes and start examining and controlling your behaviors 5% of the time going up over time.
2)get serious and get to work and just don't stop looking for something. Find a job that suits you well enough or you can adapt to with your problems. Like your other job you might just have to grind at it until you get lucky

I suggest a combination of both and distancing yourself from your family as much as possible as their are clearly not going to be a part of successful future for you.
Oh, and more importantly your RIGHT NOW feelings are not your future. You don't know the future, so if you're worried about your life why not give it your all today?

You've done well with jobs in the past.

I don't think SSDI will help support your wife and your stepmother, both of whom are disabled. You're definitely not guaranteed to be approved, anyway--without at least one appeal. Getting it would take a couple of years, probably.

You're not going to like this: but your only solution is to TRY TO GET A JOB. And adjust to it, even with your Aspie quirks. You've succeeded in the past. With your insight, why can't you succeed in the future?

I don't care about all this political stuff--the bottom line: you have to support your family.

I wish I could get you something where I work part-time--the people there are really quirky, funny, witty, etc.--yet they GET THE JOB DONE. You would fit in quite well!

Could you use those supervisors at Geico as a reference, maybe--so you could get a job, say, at Allstate? You have the experience.

See if you can go back to working with that first boss you got along with?

I had a good relationship with a person for whom I worked for 8 years. It's been a downer ever since he took a job and shut down his business (letting me go). We worked well together. He'd have me back in a heartbeat (so he says), but he can't hire unless someone quits/retires/gets fired, and he can't fire people...just recommend that they be let go.

It's hard to find someone you "connect" with, and the workplace is full of toxic personalities. It's even harder for people like us to find a place compared to more "normal" people.

My thoughts are along the same line. Sure, try to work on your weaknesses, we shouldn't let being down about the current situation stop us from improving ourselves and coping mechanisms (I have no concept of time, but, to get out of the house on time every day, I have a series of different sounding alarms. First one up, second one out of the bathroom, third one out of the shower, fourth one out of the kitchen, fifth one out of the door. I still get distracted by things, but, it's now so ingrained that when I hear one sound, I leave what I'm doing.).

Also, I know it's a lot of work up front, but, finding personality fits is the most important thing to me and the lack of that is what caused me to turn down some jobs over the years.
First I worked with engineers, and that was great (even though I was still the odd one in the group that's kinda sad, but, it was my fit), now I work with totally non-nerds, but, they're pretty laid back and accept me as 'the IT girl, she's a bit weird, but, she's funny and fixes stuff for us.'
In both cases, I knew people who either worked on the time, or with the team, who could speak to the environment.

Oh, and I work from home, too. Met some folks online and do freelance work... it's great, communicating only via email and sharing files on an ftp. Heaven. Wish I could do it fulltime. But, then, let's face it, I'd never leave home, and I'd probably get addicted to video games and reading all the time.

In all seriousness, the best of luck.

Could your family work as a team? To at least get you to work on time? Probably not, bad idea.

Then why did I ask for it and then why did you follow up by giving me some in turn?



I agree and believe this "gamut" is why I cannot go back in time to when I was doing better....this is a progressive disorder and it's only getting worse - also a major point I didn't mention is that throughout a lot of this I was self-medicating with pain killers (i know thats a big thing to forget to put in but it literally failed to cross my mind when I impulsively typed this out) - I went through recovery and got on more appropriate meds which fail to 'mask' the symptoms as well as opiates have been doing for years.



I'm sorry (<---i say that a lot btw) but did I say or type something to offend you there Mr. Savage? Or am I just misreading you? Because I can't help but interpret that you think I'm either delusional or straight up full of s**t. Hell maybe I am both but I assure you I do not want to be either. I admit I doubt just about everything I say these days because nothing makes sense anymore. I am somewhat convinced that I am totally nuts because what I thought of the world around me and of myself seems to be completely untrue.



I want to preamble by saying that I do love my wife - she became 100% disabled about 2 years after we started dating (Chiari Malformation - another disorder very often misunderstood) and by that point I wasn't going anywhere for anything - however - I have been tempted to run away from my family numerous times and friday when i got fired I was about to drive to my dad's in utah as it's really the only place I might be taken in - albeit unlikely. Wow! my life sure does sound royally fk'd up when its typed out like this. Either way I'd like to make my marriage work and start bettering BOTH of our lives. I think my marriage is the only thing keeping me together as much as it's a large proponent of my stress and fear.

I appreciate all of your responses and some answers I think I did already know and maybe needed some of my own 'kind' to really drive it home. However I have to say Desurage was a bit...I dunno....harsh sounding? But I don't want this thread to be a internet b***h fest like every other one so we'll hopefully leave it at that. The topic could be "I love puppies" and someone is bound to say "Puppies are for homos!" or something terrible like that.

I would love the SSDI thing and start over learning how to live life w/ this disorder instead of just trying to ignore it and move on. Since I last posted I have met with my family and I think they are understanding they have taken the wrong approach about this thing and they are researching ASD and discussing other options (i.e. going the disability route and going to tech school - i love computers but the good lord gave me autism but failed to give me the math brain so commonly associated with it. or anything resembling artistic talent as would serve me in graphic design....beta testing is $10 an hour...so I dunno but I have options and I just need to try being positive for once. This is just very overwhelming.

We tried that but too little too late I guess.

Yeah, I agree its harsh what I said because I know firsthand who the enemy you're fighting is like. Over the net its hard to get across these kind of experiences and lessons and I doubt even talking face to face anyone could help you accept the truth of your situation. There are friends, people who sit with you in the horrible moments and give you the strength to continue. Then there are people just solve situations and can tell you exactly what you need to do to get somewhere else in life. I just want you to know that from my perspective it sure sounds like you're giving yourself an awful hard time as I've done it to myself before.

I was about to reiterate my first post but I think you don't want to hear it. You need things that only you can provide and its none of my business what you do with that. But it is yours.

Ah, the meds as a factor does fill in the blanks for us. Makes sense.

Good on ya. As someone with a physical disability, I have seen how some people fall apart and ditch a 'loved one' because they can't handle it, so I am happy you are not one of those wusses that gives up on your partner because their body goes wonky. I was engaged to a really nice guy when I was 20-21, but, he couldn't handle when my MG symptoms worsened, he'd be really hard on me and refuse to help (like lifting grocery bags for me at the end of the day or me having to decline plans to go for a walk) and it would stress me out and make the symptoms worse... not a great thing in a 3rd story walkup with no handrails anywhere. Anyway, I digress. Being married is a source of stress, but, it's, most importantly, a source of support and comfort.

I understand this last paragraph, too. My Mom always fell to pieces whenever my MG symptoms worsened as well, and I just dealt with it by myself when I lived at home so I wasn't stressing others out, too (and I wasn't told to get tested for being on the spectrum until my late 20's, so I haven't even talked about this to her. We're not close and she thinks I'm not 'weird' anymore because I can fake conversations for a couple hours a year when we hang out. HA!). If you've been similarly reserved, it definitely sounds like more understanding is overdue.
Good luck on any new routes you try.

I have been told about 1000 times I am ridiculously hard on myself. I am always my worse critic. You have to understand I didn't know there was anything really WRONG with me until my 35th year except ADHD which obviously did not explain everything I was dealing with. My youth was lonely and devoid of real friends, my dad was not around and couldn't stand to be around me because I was admittedly annoying as hell, and I was tortured by my peers in school to the point where I thought they, the majority, must be correct and that I am a total weirdo loudmouthed dork....therefore....I fought for my entire adolescent life to overcome everyone's opinion....basing everything I did on making others believe I was normal...even cool or funny...or whatever. I never took time to develop self-love...only worried if others did. NowI'm just conditioned to care only about how I effect others and dont know how to feel good about myself.....this is how i learned to survive and it's tough coming to terms with that because my whole life is basically a lie and now I'm forced to start over on my own and with major responsibilities I can't manage.....I NEED a plan and I have screwed up so many plans in the past I am now at a point where I have no contigencies whatsoever...no room for error....so yeah I'm looking wherever I can for ideas....I do want to hear them harsh or no but I don't think ditching everyone and running away is realistic hard love....I think it too is very negative.

I was like you once. I got fired from dozens of temp jobs for various reasons. Finally I found a field where I can excel and people respect me. I suppose it takes some maturity and self-control to work in an office. I don't know what to say except keep trying. Perhaps where you had been working was a conservative field where they only reward conformity. I'm now in the fashion industry where it's OK to be a little eccentric.