How to Be A Bad Employee

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The Hourly Workers' Oath

(Spoken while facing oneself in the mirror at least once every working day.)

• I will accuse anyone and everyone of stealing my personal property when I have actually forgotten it and left it at home.

• I will allow my personal life to intrude into my work life, treating even the least of incidents at home as major disasters requiring my full and immediate attention while at work.

• I will always have a ready excuse for my own poor performance - one that management can not disprove, yet that still seems plausible enough to keep them from firing me.

• I will appropriate all of the best company-owned tools and equipment, and then limit their accessibility to my co-workers to make it look like I am the only one who knows how to use them.

• I will argue that my point-of-view is the only best point-of-view regarding how things are done, no matter who says otherwise.

• I will be the first one out the door at quitting time, regardless of whether I've finished my daily assignments or not.

• I will behave how ever I please whenever my supervisor is away, except what I am supposed to be doing.

• I will bring my most obnoxious leftovers to work and use the microwave oven to heat them before anyone else has a chance, leaving the aroma of garlic, fish, and liver to linger and ruin the appetites of those who use the oven after me.

• I will claim any idea as originally my own if its implementation somehow improves productivity, or even if it just makes someone else happy.

• I will consider every intern and new hire as a threat to my employment, until such time as I have determined how to exploit them to my own ends.

• I will criticize others solely to make myself look and/or feel better.

• I will demand nothing less than the utmost respect from those placed in authority over me, because I have been gracious enough to bless them with my presence when I would rather be paid for staying at home.

• I will diagnose myself with a hidden disorder, and then demand that my employer accomodate my 'disability'.

• I will disagree with others just for the sake of disagreeing.

• I will do only what is in my job description, and do nothing that I am not directly told to do by my supervisor, nor for which I have not received any proprietary training from my current employer.

• I will do things my own way, regardless of any written or verbal instructions to the contrary.

• I will expect just showing up to be enough to earn my pay.

• I will expect to be promoted and given a raise for just showing up and occupying space at work.

• I will flatter The Big Boss at every opportunity, yet express my contempt for him or her whenever my co-workers are the only ones around.

• I will find ways to offer unauthorized discounts to customers who are also my friends.

• I will immediately "dumb down" whenever somebody from management wants to know why my productivity is off, telling them only that I am doing my job in spite of all the hassles I have to put up with.

• I will impart my vast corporate wisdom on how the company should be run to any and all coworkers within earshot, yet make no personal effort to implement this wisdom, and offer no practical suggestions to management.

• I will keep in mind that my performance never has to be perfect; it just has to seem no worse than anyone else's.

• I will leave messes for others to clean up, knowing full well that this will slow them down while allowing me to move quickly from one task to the next.

• I will leave my work-station cluttered and in disarray, so as to always look busy and to prevent others from determining what I'm actually doing.

• I will make detailed lists of what I am going to do, and put no real effort into ever getting it done.

• I will make even the simplest of requests a demand, and then ask on an hourly basis why my request has not been met.

• I will make fun of others, pointing out things like who is the worst dressed or who acts 'funny'.

• I will never be satisfied with my work, and will take forever to get a project or assignment done, because I am always 'tweaking' it to perfection.

• I will never let go of the humiliation of having received a less-than-perfect employee review.

• I will occasionally raise the unconfirmed possibility that massive layoffs are imminent.

• I will openly criticize my supervisor, the corporate office, other employees and even customers.

• I will openly mock anyone whose education, ethics, or morality is higher than my own.

• I will openly speculate about the "real" reasons someone is late or missed work entirely.

• I will pepper my language with as much profanity as possible, so as to exercise my right to free speech and to weed out people who are too sensitive to take it.

• I will pick fights with others for no particular reason, so that no one dares to pick a fight with me and to weed out people who are too sensitive to take it.

• I will plan my diet around legumes and high-fiber foods, so as to produce more flatulence than any of my co-workers.

• I will play every passive-aggressive trick I know to keep from having to do more work than I want to do.

• I will point out problems for which I have no solutions, and offer solutions to situations that which may not even be problems in the first place.

• I will put forth no greater effort than anyone else around me, while extolling my every effort over that of others to my supervisor at evaluation time.

• I will share information about a co-worker's relationship problems with other co-worlers.

• I will show up for work drunk or under the influence of illegal drugs, and then encourage my co-worlers to do the same.

• I will shower every new idea with seemingly endless reasons why it can't be done.

• I will slander everybody that gets promoted ahead of me, denigrating their skills and training, and insinuating that they were only 'lucky' or had exchanged sexual favors for their promotion.

• I will spend the majority of my time on low-priority tasks, such as re-organizing my workstation, reading the Employee Handbook, and re-arranging supplies and stock.

• I will suck the exuberance out of my coworkers with my constant negativity, looking for the worst in everything and having nothing positive to say.

• I will take forever to clean, stack, organize or price something, because my goal is to stretch out a job for as long as I can, showing just enough progress to truthfully say "I am getting it done".

• I will take long breaks, make personal phone calls, and/or constantly socialize during working hours.

• I will tell others (including my supervisors) how to do their jobs, because I can see where everyone else could use some improvement.

• I will threaten to quit if things do not go my way, and then claim discrimination when they call my bluff.

• I will treat all deadlines as mere suggestions, if I chose to recognize any deadlines at all.

• I will treat the Employees' Handbook and HR's Code of Conduct with the lowest possible contempt, citing their contents only when it is to my advantage.

• I will use up all of my sick days on personal recreation, and then complain whenever someone else takes time off for illness or family issues.

• I will wear fashionable, well-fitted clothing to work, and then claim harassment from anyone who compliments me on my appearance.

• I will whine incessantly about the physical environment, citing my workstation, the break room, the bathrooms and the lighting to be insufficient.

and the oath above was written on company time too? LOL

Sounds like a lot of managers I knew

I used to work with someone who faithfully followed that oath. Thankfully, that person left for another job.