Explaining mindblindness to your boss

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Hi! I'm about to have my review on Monday, and my manager has already told me I've made great strides in dealing with my tendency to be overwhelmed (thank you Zoloft). This is probably a good sign. I then did some thinking and wrote back that the biggest issue remaining involves communications snafus -- and most of that is probably mindblindness since I can't put myself in other people's shoes in real time.

Here's the story. Mindblindness is neurological, or so I've been told, so you can't medicate it. But it's not behavioral either, since there's a biological basis for it, so you can't "will" yourself to see what other people are thinking about.

I recommended that my manager tell my coworkers to not use nonverbal communication as much around me -- it will make things a lot easier on both sides. However, he said, "it's not up to other people to change their behavior for you".

He seems to clearly think that's the mindblindness is behavioral (and can just be "switched on and off") and not neurological -- sort of like the way the overwhelming and meltdowns were. I get the impression he thinks I'm just not paying attention or think it's important to envision myself in other people's shoes.

How can I explain to him that it's not a case of "the machine isn't on" and it's actually a case of "the machine is on but doesn't work"? Should I demand that people not use nonverbal communication around me for the benefit of communication with coworkers? I would argue that this definitely would help my coworkers.

Note that I am not "out", so to speak -- he doesn't know I have AS. He suspects ADHD, which is probably a good guess given that he probably knows very little about autism.

Thanks in advance,

ACG

This is a tough situation. I'm definitely mindblind, and it's very frustrating. Not to depress you, but I think it's something that will never come automatically to me. I do wonder about something. Do you think you may actually have ADHD in addition to the AS? I do! Most people with AS have other conditions as well, like ADHD or anxiety. I've been on Ritalin for almost a year, and it's made a huge difference in my social interaction, simply for the fact that it slows my mind down enough to where I can take a second to think about what possibly may be going on in the other person's mind. Not saying it works all the time, but it does work a good bit more often than before! I know stimulants aren't for everyone, and I see you're on Zoloft so they might make you too anxious for comfort. But I can say that for me they give me the extra couple of seconds I need to consider the situation from more than one angle before I pop my mouth off and get myself in trouble!

Yo. I'm not sure whether I have AS (leaning towards negative after a lot of thinking) so maybe I shouldn't be commenting on this, but.... I'll be honest, I'm bored and I like giving advice

Okay, you say you can't put yourself in another's shoes in real time. Am I right in thinking this is the same as an inability to predict how someone will react to your actions/ words? I experience something vaguely akin to this, where I have trouble "plotting" out a situation once the reaction of another person has to be calculated. It's like other people are totally random variables. For example, it took me a long time to realise that reading in a resteraunt would provoke outrage from other people at the table (and I still don't understand it). Is this the sort of thing you have difficulty with?

Maybe you should just come straight out and tell him about your AS? Once people realise your behaviour is caused by something you have no control over, they should be more understanding.

Another option would be to maybe err on the side of caution and try to avoid sociable situations where you'll commit a faux pas.

Is it possible for them to "turn off" the non-verbal part of the communication ? I think they don't even notice that most of the message they got from the other was not out of his mouth. Am i wrong ?

As unfair as it seems, no matter what disabilities or disorders or anything of that nature that you may have, you are still responsible for your own actions and your own behaviors. In this sense, it really is up to you to work harder than normal people have to work to accomplish the same job, regardless of what it may be. Unfortunately, your boss is right. It is not up to your co-workers to change their behavior around you. It is unfair of you to ask them to do that. Your disability is yours, so it is your responsibility to work hard and try not to let it affect your job. Find ways to work around it. You can make it, and as long as you can accomplish your job then you're good to go.