New job - help!

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My partner is (we're convinced) an undiagnosed Aspie. We've worked through many issues since starting to live together a few years ago and understanding and talking about his issues has been key to this.

He went through a period in his mid teens when he was unable to go to school due to fatigue and other related problems such as short term memory loss. He says it lasted for about 2 years and ebbed and flowed during that time but would come back if it looked like he was going to be forced back to school, which he hated. He was diagnosed with ME, because they couldn't find anything else, but he now suspects that it was connected with his 'Aspie' difficulties. He eventually found a job in a field which meant he could freelance and he has had a productive and increasingly successful career. He likes to be in control of when he works, and importantly when he has time to himself, despite working some incredibly punishing schedules. He's now in his early 30's and has decided for various reasons that he would like to try full time employment again (while he was establishing himself as a freelance he did several but they all ended with him experiencing the fatigue and 'shut down' described above) He had been offered a role previously by a company he worked for on a freelance basis and he told them that he'd probably accept if they were to ask him again, so they have offered him a medium length contract with the intention of making it permanent if it works out for everyone.

He's 3 and a half weeks in and he's struggling already. I'm doing all that I can to help, ensuring that he leaves home on time, making sure there is as little drama at home as possible and that he's getting time to himself but none of this is enough. His feelings keep going up and down, last night when he got home he said it wasn't too bad and was feeling more positive, we had a nice evening, one of his favourite dinners, he spent some time on his latest 'collection' (god only knows what the postman must think with up to 7 packages a day being delivered here!) and some quality tv, but he woke up this morning not wanting to go.

I know that ultimately it might prove to be unsuitable for him, and that's completely up to him, he's not being pressured from me to do or not do anything, I just want him happy and healthy, but I also know that he's very early on in the learning curve of working somewhere new. He's worked for the company before but only as freelance, actually having a job there means dealing with processes and a layer of management that he's just not used to, not to mention going to work five days a week. Does anyone have any constructive ideas to help him at least complete the initial contract, don't forget his employers also employed him when he was freelance and he doesn't want to sour that relationship? I've offered to spend an occasional evening away so he can have some quality time to himself, which might happen but I'm at a loss to think of anything else I can do or say. From what he says the issues that are causing problems appear to be not being able to take a day off whenever he wants (in theory anyway, in practice he hardly ever did when he was freelance, and only on a day when his absence wouldn't be a problem) and the myriad of systems and processes that the company use coupled with not being sure of what's expected of him. I have tried to reassure him that some of what he's feeling is completely normal and part of adjusting to a new job, which he agrees, but he points out that historically his body's reaction to this is far from normal and he's not in control of it. I know part of his stress now is about what happened in his teens (perfectly normal) but worry that if never fully tested he'll never know. On the other hand, it's a pretty big life gamble. Part of his reasoning for taking this step is he wants to move away from the physical work into management, and with a normal salary we can think about buying a home.

Any constructive advice or point of view would be most appreciated.

Edit - Good grief, I didn't realise that I'd written so much, many thanks if you've read the whole thing!!

I would listen to him when he comes home to work, especially when he expresses confusion with what's going on in the working environment.

I would advise him pertaining to what to do to deal with the "confusion." I would make of your own working experience in this.

You're sweet to "get out of the way" so he could "recharge." Imagine if I had a wife like that LOL

I would speak to him about the usual hierarchy of the office: the "chain of command." Tell him to always report to his immediate supervisor, and never "go over the head" of that immediate supervisor. Immediate supervisors get really upset if you "go over" his/her head.

If he has a problem comprehending what he's being told, or completing tasks, I would ask him what cause this trouble. Based on what he said, try the best you can to advise him how to comprehend the boss more, or how to complete the task in a timely manner

I would be consistent in my "listening."

Make sure he doesn't use "being an Aspie" as an excuse for anything.

Thanks for your advice kraftiekortie, I already make sure and listen when he gets in, we call it 'venting' lol. It's like he has to get it all out verbally before he can move to the relaxing part of the evening. I don't do much talking then, just let him get it all out. I'll bear your advice in mind as we go through this, it really helps to have another point of view. Thank you.

Heh, ditto. Sometimes I don't even get my shoes off before my husband launches into me with a verbal barrage (our home office opens into the "mudroom"), or, has me do the homework thing with the kids.

I try to listen because he's at home all day and doesn't get that elsewhere, but, I feel sometimes I'm not getting the same consideration in return.
I know that's not entirely true... He DOES allow me to keep the lights off and tvs and podcasts get turned down when I get home.
BUT, since I have to deal with the office barrage and the stress of commuting 45-60 minutes each way, I WOULD like downtime to zone and veg etc when I get home, letting me re-engage when I'm ready.

As for the OP, I know from past experience that it takes me about a year to settle in and learn all of the rules and players. So, anytime in the first twelve months, when I'd start to feel a rising panic or worry or frustration with something stupid... I'd just keep telling myself it doesn't count and it doesn't matter because I couldn't possibly be used to it yet.
Freaking out about not remembering a coworkers name? Telling myself it'll eventually sink in.
Not wanting to have to deal with a manager who flipped out on me unjustly? Planning job searches and alternative options if it doesn't calm down enough for me to stay... Taking an action makes me feel in control... And that person who flipped out forgets all about it within two weeks.

Just finding ways to cope until time passes and it's no longer an issue.

Granted... I basically spent most of 1985-1997 doing just that, so, it's not exactly a new method for me, it's the only way I survived my childhood.

Thanks Miss Dorkness, I really appreciate the insight I can get here. Things are running a little smoother at the moment, although it's no guarantee it will continue. I think there's been enough time for him to gauge he can withstand it for the length of the contract, and we'll just have to see what happens then. Right now he wants to go back to freelancing but who knows how he'll feel in a few months time. I wouldn't have predicted that with a month under his belt he'd be reasonably confident of finishing the contract so we'll just have to see. His employers already value him and his skill set, which is why they've offered him this contract so that's not a problem, it's just whether he can accommodate it without making himself ill again. I think the control aspect of it is important to him too, he has to feel like he's in charge of the situation, even if in reality he's not. It's also been useful that he's spent some time with his new colleagues and they have reassured him that the things he's finding challenging at the moment is what they also found difficult to begin with.

With regard to the 'getting out of the way' business, the weird thing is that I find that when he knows he can have that any time he wants, and that I genuinely understand that we both benefit from it, he exercises it very rarely. What I have noticed is that he is spending much more time on his collecting, books and memorabilia and I think this is the safety valve for him at the moment. We even survived a roundabout 'conversation' that we have sometimes when he either thinks I don't understand or don't agree with him. These used to escalate into a full blown row but have mostly disappeared of late, but are creeping in again probably because of his underlying stress levels. But we talked it through, apologised to each other (I'm not the sort to just give in, even if I do it without raising stress levels, it doesn't do any good to be a walkover with an Aspie in the house)

Well, cool... Sounds like he's finding ways to cope. And I'm glad you guys are doing well at it as a team, too... That makes things so much easier, diffusing instead of compounding.