How do I communicate with my boss?

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I left work in tears today, and it's still really bothering me. I got into an argument with my boss. I'm working with a startup as a graphic designer, but I sort of ended up the creative lead. It's part-time. I sometimes get paid. It's not the greatest job, but it's at least something to do while I'm interviewing with larger companies for a full-time position. Which are obnoxiously scarce around here.

The company hired a blogger maybe a month ago. We're friends. Which, I suppose, makes me kind of biased. But, anyway, she came to one of the team meetings, and was given an assignment to do during the meeting-time. When you're writing a company piece, it's really important to have a sense of the tone and the audience that the information is intended to get to. I've spent months trying to get a target audience out of my boss but she insists that everyone will want the product we're creating. (they won't)

So, after being given vague and unspecific answers, the blogger wrote a blasé every-man sort of thing, and I decided that since my boss clearly had unrealistic expectations for the product that I should probably write out target audience and tone descriptions for her so that in the future the blogger would have something to reference. I'm given a lot of trust. Aside from a few things she'll occasionally ask me to do, I'm basically able to just observe what is going on around me, and try to fill gaps wherever it's needed so that we can get the product launched as streamlined as possible. Anyway, so the blogger did her assignment, and then was given information that the boss would follow up with her as soon as she had more information for the blog. She never did.

Two weeks later I had to reach out and see what was going on. The boss was unhappy with the written piece, complaining that the tone wasn't right. Y'know, the tone she refused to specify. She then said she was going to fire the blogger. I asked her later, in an email, to reconsider. She told me there was nothing to reconsider. She'd thought about this for awhile and had made up her mind. She had decided (and I'm not sure how) that the person she'd hired as a blogger was rude, unmotivated, and a terrible writer.

I asked her where she had come up with these conclusions, and reminded her that we need to populate our site with content so that we can have traffic flow. It wastes less time to use the blogger we already have then to fire her and find someone else. I pointed these things out to my boss, adding that her complaints about the tone were probably because she hadn't specified the tone she really wanted and ended up with something she disliked. She sent a very angry email back to me. It was full of spelling errors and she might as well have just sent HOW DARE U! D<

So, I apologized. I didn't think she'd be so upset, but I guess I was a little too blunt. I thought the apology had worked because she stopped responding, but today during the meeting she confronted me about it. First, she had one of the senior partners read the email chain, and then she ranted at me about how the tone of the email I had sent was completely inappropriate.

Apparently, she came to the conclusion that the tone in what I was writing was as if I was her boss, and not the other way around. She also said that I was trying to usurp her, and throw her under a bus, when I thought it was pretty clear my only intention was to have her reconsider firing the blogger. No buses involved.

She also pointed out that when I become anxious that I suddenly turn into another (horrible) person. Usually, when I question her, she tells me to shut up and do whatever she says because she's in charge. A lot of times I'll just drop the issue. The problem is, morally, I can't drop the issue if I think she's a) doing something illegal, or b) going to hurt another person. Both of those things make me really anxious, because she's made it clear I can't trust her to do the right thing.

So far we've had two major arguments. This one, and then one where I tried to stop her from exploiting interns. In order to get credit the kids have to be doing work in their major which is software engineering. She somehow got it into her head that one of the kids couldn't code, and decided that she was going to have him do things that, ultimately, wouldn't allow him to get credit for the work. They're not getting paid beyond the credit, and the kid she'd decided was useless also has aspergers like I do. The same thing had happened to me when I was his age, and it was awful, so I fought her as much as I could. I can't do anything more for him, or the others, which still bothers me because she has a highschool intern do the work for her fulltime job with another company.

My boss has told me, multiple times, that I have to “bring facts to the table” because opinions are worthless. I haven't quite figured out what she means by that. Especially since I am a very fact-oriented person, and I pointed out plenty of facts in my emails. But...whenever I give her facts she doesn't agree with they magically become opinions.

One of the senior partners talked with me later saying that my boss had over-reacted because a) she's from India so apparently there's a cultural thing b) she's a woman (but I'm a woman too, so this seemed ridiculous) and c) that she's inexperienced. But he also said that this was a really good lesson in communication, and that I needed to learn to communicate with her without insulting her, because it's an important life skill.

I don't understand how I'm supposed to communicate with my boss. When I make subtle indications, or try to hint that she might want to try another solution, she completely ignores it. But when I warn her clearly, and bluntly, then she gets angry with me and over-reacts. Has anyone else ever encountered such a conundrum? What am I supposed to do about it? She also demanded that I find a mentor who can guide me in appropriate communication with superiors but I don't know how to do that either.

Wow, this was long. Sorry. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

i don't know what to tell you except that i'm sorry you're in the situation and glad you're looking for another job.

Thanks Cathylynn. <3

I wish the world was as Rhapsodic as you.....but, as you know, it's ego-driven. People in executive positions don't like to be upstaged.

Next time, I might write my ideas in a form which extols the virtue of the executive's notions, making your notions complementary to the executive's, rather than in sharp contrast to them

It's kissing butt smartly, without seeming subservient.

Are you into composing music at all, Rhapsody?

I am familiar with situations of the type you describe. You have my sincere sympathy because I know how madly frustrating it can be. In my experience the potential impacts of the sort of cultural differences that the exec mentioned are noteworthy. I know of no sure-fire quick fixes; rather, continuing to refine communication with her in the ways suggested is in order, but frankly I would not hope for too much.

That said, one additional approach I have seen sometimes work is trying to develop a personal rapport - like maybe taking breaks or even lunch together, explore any common outside interests, and so on. It isn't always possible, but when it works it can build trust, lessen tensions, and improve working relationships.

I know what a total suckfest the situation you describe can be. Best wishes.

Oh, and one other thing: I want to second Kraftie's comments about making sure suggestions are preceded by complimenting the boss. The trick though is to try to do it in a manner that doesn't sound as though you are presuming to evaluate her performance.

I usually find value in applying the old adage: "Always make you boss look good"...

... no matter how nauseating that may be.

wow. You are in a bad spot with a boss who has low self esteem. They have forgotten the rule of public praise, private criticism. If she has any redeeming values, compliment them while you are there. If you can get her to concentrate on what she does right, maybe you limit the time she has for looking for fault. Just don't make anything up about her doing something right. A fake compliment will come back at you. Also, just drop the compliment and don't expect a response. If it looks like you want a response, she will question your motives. However, I would suggest you keep looking for another position. I don't think you took this job to fix her, so I hope you find a position that you can do what you enjoy doing.

I should have probably mentioned that my boss is the CEO.

@Kraftiekortie~ thank you! But I don't understand what you mean by making my notions complimentary to hers. Do you mean I should just agree with her? Always? Because there is some stuff she does I just can't agree with, and I'm a really awful yesman. There's no virtue in scamming, exploiting, or hurting people. Which, really, is the only time we ever really get into arguments because I push the issue to try to stop her if I think that someone (even if it's her) is going to get hurt. I'm also really bad at kissing butt. Haha~

As for the music: I've tried writing pieces for taiko but I'm really bad at it. I just love the word, and you can never go wrong with a little Gershwin!

@Marky9~ thanks! I'm not sure how much more of a rapport I could get with her without actually becoming friends. Which I'm pretty sure is frowned upon. I know her husband, a good number of her friends and family, and I play with her dog whenever I have to go over to her house. She's given me tips for the workplace in a sort of mentor-like capacity...like teaching me how to fool monitored company computers into thinking I'm working when I'm not. She even told me about how, as a child, she used to kill small animals for um for fun. (I really wish I was making that up) The more I get to know her the less I like her as a person.

Your suggestion of proceeding suggestions with compliments sounds really great, but I feel like it would also come off as sarcastic if I complimented how great she was at exploiting interns, agreeing to contracts we can't uphold, lying to investors, ect. and then suggested she might want to do x to avoid a lawsuit or whathaveyou. Or are you suggesting that I should press more issues, proceeding them with compliments if it's just a disagreement on best practices or something that I would usually just drop, so that she gets more used to me disagreeing with her in general? Because she knows I disagree with her often. There are only two of us in the entire company that will.

@Nbly~ thank you! I'll keep that in mind. I didn't know how to drop compliments, so I will try to put your advice into practice! Maybe it will work with her. And I'm definitely working on securing another job. I'm in the interview process with two other companies right now, so I'm really hoping I can just jump the proverbial ship.

Thank you all for the advice and support!

Umm... that's a noteworthy factoid. I'm no doctor, but last I read that sort of thing can sometimes be an indicator of sociopathy. Should that be the case here then speaking up against dodgy behaviors could be a waste of time. An interesting book that I wish I had read about 35 years ago is "The Sociopath Next Door"; doing so would have saved me many gray hairs, many sleepless nights, and a fair amount of money. Oy... .

I meant complementing your boss's idea, not complimenting

I meant writing in a way which conveys the fact that it's your own idea, but that it complements your boss's previous thoughts.

@Marky9~ Oh. Great. Thanks for the heads up! I'll add that to my reading list.

@KraftieKortie~ Oh! Complement her ideas? I'll try that, I guess. It's hard to come up with sincere compliments. She showed me a blog post she had written in haphazard English that was essentially a rant with some suggestions to other "starting entrepreneurs" that it's totally cool to violate laws because they're apparently just "roadblocks" to be "smashed through." She was really proud of it, but like...I can't compliment that. Even if it was well written. Which it wasn't.

I'm starting to think that the issue is less differing opinions, and more differing morals, but I have no idea how to interact positively with someone like this.

Thanks for posting this, and for the replies, everyone. This has been my pattern at work, too. It feels a little validating to hear that it's a shared experience and not just me being an idiot.

The last time it happened (last year), I ended up becoming suicidal because of the constant negativity. I was blamed for being too passive and too aggressive -- by my supervisor. I couldn't make heads or tails of what had happened, and he began cutting me out of decision-making and handing off parts of my job to other people, without talking to me about it. He blamed me for lack of judgment when I followed the rules (and others broke the rules and left me holding the pieces), then gave me new rules. Then he blamed me for following his rules. When I told him I needed him to communicate without yelling at me, he denied he was yelling at me.

I thought I was paranoid and losing my mind -- and then I became suicidal. I talked to HR and to a few trusted colleagues. They confirmed everything. I worked with HR and my boss eventually stopped yelling when he talked to me (he admitted he had anger issues to the HR guy, apparently, which I don't think I was supposed to hear). The HR guy taught me that when the boss is talking, I just have to agree with everything and then wait for my moment to bring up problems with him. He helped me script out some conversations and advised a class on executive coaching to help me with body language.

It was actually this incident that led to my getting a diagnosis. I thought I must be a narcissist, since everyone described me as that when I was in a meltdown. I didn't know I was melting down -- I thought I was being the rational one. But after researching it, I realized I couldn't be a narcissist, so I thought I had BPD. But that didn't fit either. And then a therapist I was seeing suggested autism, and that explained how people where misreading me -- and me, them. I actually found out that some adult women on the spectrum look like they have BPD and how a meltdown can look like narcissistic rage.

Anyway, one colleague asked why I didn't talk to others in my rank about him to get advice. What could I say? They're NTs. I had tried. But for some reason, it takes years to NT colleagues to trust me. I often feel like Dolly Parton in the beginning of "9 to 5."

Oh, I've hijacked another thread. Whoops! Anyway, that was a long way of saying thank you but -- thank you!

Bingo. It would seem the CEO is imposing a corporate culture that is at odds with your values and beliefs.


I have had very few past experiences that would cause me to have realistic hopes for a situation such as you describe. Of course, your mileage may vary.

I've worked in this kind of environment before, and am familiar with a lot of the things you mentioned.

The killing small animals for fun thing - That's psychopathic and disturbing. There's a book called Snakes in Suits about how psychopaths do very well in leadership positions and are more common than one might think. The only thing to do when a psychopath or sociopath is in your life is to get away from him or her.

The thing about Indian females in leadership - There is indeed something different about the way women from India behave in leadership roles and I would expect this to be harsher toward other women. I think they have a hard time culturally and they feel they can only retain respect by swift and vicious beat downs of anyone threatening them. I think this is specific of women in leadership from Southeast Asian countries and certainly doesn't apply to all.

I don't think there was anything you could have done in this situation. I think you just have to get away from this company and go somewhere else.

You're well out of that company, so don't feel bad about yourself or you'll end up like your ex boss! You clearly have any number of talents, plus plenty of motivation and insights, so I'm sure you'll soon find something better.