Advice please

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How do you know when you are in over your head?

I don’t like thinking that I can’t do things, and other people do even less, since it would mean looking beyond whatever idea they have of me as a “bright young woman” who just needs to “believe in herself.” Since I trust other people over myself I usually let myself get talked into situations that aren’t good for me and that are beyond my capabilities for me to deal with. Of course once I am in whatever situation, especially once it is too late to back out, it becomes glaringly obvious that it is too much. After all of the listed situations I’ve had major emotional breakdowns where I become extremely depressed and anxious or physically ill, twice to the point of hospitalization. It takes me months to years to recover from these mistakes. My parents always have to pick up the pieces and fix me after the fact and I swear all my mom’s gray hairs are my fault. Regardless they are getting too old for this nonsense and so am I.

Somehow I have to get over my extreme trust in others and my stubborn independent streak. I’m scared of really messing up by trying to do too much for myself but I’m also scared that I’ll limit myself by going too far in the other direction.

Point of post: I might have a good work opportunity coming my way. The employment assistance people I’m working with want me to find a job and just fake it till I make it. I say if I could do that I wouldn’t need employment assistance. I really want to believe them that I could do it by myself, I really want to be independent, and I really don’t want to mess it up.

On the other extreme, on my worst days I just want to throw in the towel completely and ask to be placed in a workshop, which they discounted immediately for me. Or I should stick with the “real job” and disclose and have a “helper” come with me to the job for the first few weeks to make sure I am learning the ropes and that everything is running smoothly. But this feels like giving up, and also a form of laziness and entitlement on my part. I just don’t trust myself to make good decisions anymore about my own capabilities.

Can you share some details about what caused the previous breakdowns?
What were the problems you had in these situations before?
Where do you think your capabilities were not enough, or were they enough but you couldn't use them due to other factors?

The breakdowns either happened from stress during the situation-- from working too hard to overcompensate and hide my weaknesses--or after I had somehow "failed" at whatever task. I've tried so many times to be independent. At first I failed because I had no idea there was anything wrong with me, and later from trying too much to do what I "should" be doing. School, jobs, independent living, city living, friendships, travel, you name it. Over time I've adapted a little better and the reasons have shifted but it's always the same general issue.

I have some really good skills and a lot to bring to...somebody's table I guess, I just need to be in a supportive, structured situation to use them, and one that won't penalize me for my weaknesses. My verbal iq far outpaces my performance iq so I have terrible memory for some things, not great social skills, need everything explained and spelled out for me ten times, rock bottom slow processing, non-existent math skills. I'm probably leaving some things out but, hopefully you get the gist.

Based on the information, it is probably best to disclose and get additional support from the employment agency and the employer if possible. You listed concrete reasons for disclosure beyond social skills, the two that stood out most to me are needing things spelled out and slow processing. How quickly did these two become problems in previous jobs without disclosure? If it were mostly social problems, then I wouldn't recommend disclosure at the beginning, but since it goes beyond social, I would.

Thanks. It goes way beyond just social and they all become issues on day one even if I can hide them a bit longer by hard work and pretense that I know what's going on. It's really just too much at this point, to maintain that mask, and it never even works. Eventually the employer gets frustrated or bored with me/my work.

I would think since you've had trouble a number of times that having a helper or job coach would be necessary to try to be successful. Plus which if it's that obvious day 1, the employer will form wrong ideas and then be mad they weren't told upfront.

I think you stand a much better chance to be successful if you get all the help you can to do so.

Yes, I spoke with the employment assistance people. I think I got my point across and that they were receptive, thank goodness.

Have they come up with a plan for you? I'd try to put it across to them as a "training wheels" type of deal. But privately, maybe you need to be a little kinder to yourself.

There's a book by Philip Slater, that's out of print but you can still get it called Earthwalk that's about how Western civilization puts unnatural emphasis on doing things without help and pushing yourself as far as you can go.

There's another book by Simone De Beauvoir called The Second Sex that I think every woman should read. It's about the little things involved in being a woman that make our lives hopeless and bleak. This may not sound uplifting, but for me it was. It made me see that a lot of things I had seen as personal failures were actually uphill battles that I was still trudging along in.

I don't have any specific references for looking up the experience of being a woman on the autism spectrum, but your description sounds a lot like many high performing, smart, interesting women I know who are on the spectrum. Despite what I and other people see as obvious positive attributes, I don't think they FEEL as smart, interesting, etc on the inside. Maybe this is why your resources place thinks you can do more than you feel comfortable.

I think the heavy socialization of being female plus being autistic can have effects on your sense of identity and your confidence.

Honestly, fake it til you make it can work, if the job is right for you.

Please do not be ashamed of receiving help. If there are people out there who want to ease you into a job, take it. In a year's time, when you are solidly employed, maybe then you can indulge your stubborn independent streak. For now, if people offer you assistance, do not just throw it away out of pride.

And good luck