Being "dressed down" in front of others

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Although this can happen to NTs as well, and frequently does, I'm sure it's happened to many of us at least once - where we were in a meeting or gathering of some sort at work, and the "leader" (unofficial or official) makes some inappropriate, pejorative, or belittling remark about us. Usually it's from some Type-A or narcissistic or otherwise toxic personality type.

Thankfully - and hopefully to better effect - there have been more provisions in labour law addressing this kind of behaviour as overt bullying and harassment with intent to cause emotional distress to the target. At least, here in Canada and other Western countries, that's been the case. I don't know about our neighbours to the south, who are more pro-corporate rights and "quit yer whinin' and be a winner" or "just find another job if you don't like it" attitude.

It happened to me on a handful of memorable occasions: several years ago in a former CS/IT related job, I was in a meeting with about 6-7 other people, and the senior project manager chairing the meeting asked me for some update on coordinating some info / getting questions answered by a stakeholder on the project. I gave her the update and she was like "well what the hell did you ask THAT for?? you weren't supposed to ask them that, that's not important right now, and they're not going to know the right answer anyway - so the info you got from them is f***g garbage!!" My response was like "well, I gave them some background info they needed to know, so they would understand the context and be able to reply better, and..." then I was rudely interrupted with this manager dramatically burying her face in her hands and going "ohh geeze...only YOU, Jayo" then turning to one of her staff present she quipped, "it's like the blind leading the blind, Matt."

Another time, when I asked said project manager a couple of clarifying questions to something nuanced she said, she snapped on the 2nd clarifying question and struck her palm down on the table yelling "NO!! !!"
I instantly reacted with a shocked but angry expression, which I instantly withdrew - right there on the spot I wanted to say "OKayyy, well remind me not to ask for clarification anymore!! !!"

There were a couple of singling-out "only you would..." type of comments, and another instance where it was a co-worker in another dept, not someone higher up, unabashedly singled me out at a meeting with about 14 people present in this way: she explained something that I can't recall what it was, then turned to me and rephrased it in a patronizing manner with a concluding sentence "Jayo, I know I have to explain this differently to you, because you take everything literally" whereupon a couple of people snickered.

I've witnessed people getting dressed down a couple of times, it wasn't very pleasant even though I wasn't the direct object. Thankfully, I haven't had to deal with one of those abrasive managers who treats everyone like an enemy or nincompoop (e.g. "why can't anyone here do anything right???!") But I tell you, during those occasions when I was rebuked rudely in front of others, one of my instinctual responses was to say sarcastically "Well! Aren't you diplomatic!" but I held my tongue on that. I mean, who knows if the Type-A manager would have really lost it and yelled "GET OUT!!" pointing at the door like I was some petulant child being sent to the principal's office. Then that'd be me sitting at my desk wondering when my last day with the organization would be, next week, or next month, or....?

This is why me and these Type-A personalities are like oil and water, they despise diversity or different ways of thinking, when others might cherish and welcome it. BTW, If you ever get a manager who's like the "Whiplash" music instructor, may I suggest you get the f*** out of there ASAP!! !

What you are illustrating here are examples of bad management. These are obviously jerks who sacrifice others to their sense of self-importance. A true leader would take a person aside and talk to them in private. As far as legislation goes, nuts to that! These people need to be called out for their bad behavior, and if they continue to do so, to be censured.

That kind of attitude is typically rewarded in leadership roles. I usually try to distance myself if I can, and leave if I can't.

I have accidentally said something stupid like that before, and the person came to be privately and was like, hey that hurt my feelings. I felt bad and made a point to be more careful going forward. Another time I made a cultural mistake. I gestured at something with my foot. I'm American and half of the people in the meeting were Indian. Another manager reacted with immediate outrage. I felt humiliated, apologized to the group, and then we went on with the meeting.

But the key here is that I felt terrible for my mistakes. The kind of person you're talking about usually doesn't so telling them will only bring negative attention to yourself.

Is it legal to covertly record these conversations as evidence of harassment in case you need to make a complaint later? I can think of countless cases where If I had done this I could have easily cleared my name.

Thats happened to me a few times, but it happens less now that I listen better and think of a good and logical response to them while they are doing it. I make sure I sound firm but not like a douchebag, unless I want to come across that way. If I've done wrong I apologize and either tell them my reason or that I just have no excuse, which is sometimes the case, but I don't take having my ass chewed in public very well. If I'm in a situation where I have to take it in public or risk losing a job or going to jail etc, then I do take it but I make sure I get with them privately immediately after and tell them not to ever do that to me again or I will risk the consequences and make them look like a fool.

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