Ok, not getting "networking" and "friending"

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I read things about how to "network" for one's job, but I am just not getting it. When I go to apply for a new job, I have to scrape to come up with three job references, even though my previous performance was fine. How do you get job references set up?

I also can't figure out things like Facebook. Others in the office "friend" each other all the time, but I can't figure out how to ask, and no one ever asks me. They also just seem to text each other all the time, but I'm not sure how to start that with someone else, and what the criteria are for when it's ok to happen.

Finally, Linked.In. It's a nightmare when you have no one to add. The few people I know don't use it. I made an account and emailed everyone I could find at my current work, to try to add folks. And only one person responded. So I looked like the social idiot I am, and I'm not thinking that will make me look worthy of hiring in upcoming employment.

How does connecting with other people for this kind of stuff start? What am I missing? Others seem to be doing just fine connecting and all. Maybe I'm just considered too weird to connect with? I've asked a few people who seemed more friendly - like how do you know when it's ok to "friend" someone, or to text someone, or to add them as a reference? And they always look confused and just say "You just do it" or "You just know".

I can't figure this out. And it's really hurting my ability to find and keep employed these days.

I don't get it either. I've even gone to networking events before and absolutely nothing ever came out of it. It's definitely not the free ticket people say it is.

I think a 55 year old person isn't supposed to be all that into social media. A person slightly younger than you might do it to keep tabs on their kids. A person a little older might do it because they retired and they're bored. I think you're not getting responses because there isn't much of a reason for a person exactly your age to be doing it. I'd let it go and stop trying.

The texting part is a little different. If you have people's phone numbers, it's the same as passing notes in class when you were a kid. At work you could text a person in the next room and ask, "do you want coffee? I'm getting up" or say "scr*w this meeting!" or "what's up with linda today?" Do you see how it's similar to passing notes? If not, ask. I'm happy to go into greater detail. I'm very interested in social nuances.

Often here on WP people will post about a problem asking what they're doing wrong, without considering that maybe nothing's wrong. In this circumstance I think the only thing "wrong" is that you happened to notice and be interested. I have an aunt your age. I think she has two Facebook friends and they're both relatives. She can text a sentence with no punctuation. She doesn't think she's missing anything.

Well, the only reason to care is when it means I can't come up with enough people to put down for references for a job, or can't create a Linked.In account because I'm not connecting enough with others at work for them to respond.

The question is about how to do this stuff enough to be/remain employed.

If if were me, and I felt fairly sure that the other person wouldn't put me on blast, I would just put that person down. I know you're supposed to ask first, but when it's been a long time I don't think most people do.

If it's someone recent and you're not sure, you could just go to their desk or call their place of business and ask. That's nerve wracking, but people will understand the circumstances. They might ask what you want them to say and then you can tell them to please mention this project or that skill.

According to my experience, your former direct supervisors seem to have a sort to obligation to be your reference. I used their names all the time and none of them seemed to mind. While I worked under them, I also saw them taking the time to write references to other former employees, even those who left nearly 10 years ago. There was one case when the manager could hardly remember the person, yet he still gave a fairly good response. Your supervisor is supposed to give you an exit interview when you leave and that is a good time to ask.


Also IMHO if you find Linkedin too annoying you can just openly declare that you don't use it at all. I work in IT and I think maybe 15% of my colleagues are not on Linkedin. With your age you can probably get away with it. I don't know about facebook as I don't use it at all...