Anxiety @ work is killing me.

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Let me just got give some background first. I got a job last November in a legal transcription firm as a proofreader/court reporter, after three years of unsuccessful job hunting (not counting a library supervisor job, which I was fired from after four months and I covered in a separate thread). So far, things have been going smoothly-ish. I'm making a steady income, have learned the ropes, and am getting along fairly well with my coworkers. But one thing is ruining it all: my anxiety is going through the roof.

I've always had anxiety, but its usually manifested itself in smaller ways, like outbursts of frustration or panic over trivial things, or constant second-guessing and assuming I've been getting things wrong. Even before the job, my friends and family all noticed it getting progressively worse, but it is only this year that I finally started acknowledging and recognizing the anxiety for what it was. The job seems to have exacerbated it though. In the first week of training, I became extremely worried about making a good impression, and to not lose this job like I'd lost the last one. By the third day, this lead to hour-long episodes of me thinking over and over on mistakes I had made or things that I was worried about not doing well. I recall one incident at the end of the week where I botched an examination so badly that I thought I had lost the transcript I had just recorded. After work on that day, I had a full-blown panic attack that was so bad that I even contemplated suicide if I wound up losing the job. In retrospect, I'm actually quite scared that my mind went in that direction.

I haven't had any panic attacks since (aside from one incident where I very nearly had one in the middle of an examination after briefly messing up the microphone channels while the lawyers were speaking), but the anxiety hasn't gone away. I keep having episodes of severe dread and worry, where sometimes it gets so bad that my breathing becomes laboured and I feel faint, and I've noticed my right hand has developed a slight, tensing twitch whenever I'm worried about something. The anxiety increases whenever I have a scheduled day off, as I become restless with worry. I've noticed it impacting my job performance as well, as, when proofreading, I keep second-guessing myself and slowing myself down. I'm actually quite worried about my job performance now, as its been four months and I still haven't been greenlit for solo proofreading. I have no idea what I'm doing wrong, and for some reason I feel too terrified to ask my peers about it.

I don't know what to do about this. I've started seeing a therapist, but in the meantime, the anxiety is still a problem. I keep going into work every day half-expecting to be brought into the HR office and getting laid off. The worst part is, I know this anxiety is most likely based on nothing real, that it's just my own head running wild on groundless fears, but sometimes I just can't turn it off. If anyone can relate to this, or has suggestions on how to deal with it, then please, I need help. I can't work like this, and I feel like I'm going to wreck myself if this keeps going on.

Well, I guess I'll ask the obvious question: have you tried medication? A little Xanax does wonders. One reason you may not have advanced to solo proofreading is that your employers can see how anxious you are. Getting a prescription from your therapist might help save your job.

I've been there, and still experience it to a lesser extent. Medication helps me a lot, but also having a confidant at work to verbalize your fears to. If you can find someone at work or talk to your therapist, they can help ground you when you start spiraling.

I still worry about getting fired. I go into freefall whenever they restructure my job duties, which seems quarterly. My mantra right now is "just day by day".

Exercise helps, along with any hobbies or interests you can absorb yourself in. Sudoku helps me, because it's portable and easy to concentrate on.

Hope everything turns out okay for you.

I've considered meds, though I'm reluctant to go for them. (I was on Paxil as a teen, and it messed me up pretty badly. Also my sister was once driven into severe depression by some meds of her own, and hospitalized when she went off of them cold turkey). My therapist is considering it as well, but she first wants to explore my background to see what the root of my anxiety is.



Yeah, I guess that's my problem, I've been (and I guess always have been) way too timid or defensive about opening up about my problems to others. I guess that's the biggest and most immediate hurdle I need to overcome. As for things to absorb myself in....well, reading on the train there and back sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. There's also an adult colouring book I got for Christmas, and given how therapeutic they're alleged to be, I might try that.

I was on the Paxil train wreck too in the past. Other medicines aren't the same even when they're similar. I think Zoloft is a more commonly prescribed one, which I take with Xanax. No impulse control problems, no sexual dysfunction, and no feeling high 24/7. Everyone responds differently I'm sure, but the only issues right now are some weight gain and occasional upset stomach. It's much better than white knuckling it through the day.

Have you considered a CBT therapist? If you're on the spectrum, then that anxiety is really a response to our reality. We misunderstand, and are misunderstood. Fear of failure can be a biggie, too. Good luck with your coloring book..I've heard they can be very meditative.

I'd see if your therapist can put you on an antidepressant. SSRI's can help anxiety and they aren't addictive like Benzos (xanax). Once you get the anxiety more under control then you'll be able to think better under pressure. It will also help for any depression and sleep problems you may be having.

For myself, I choose to go the exercise route but I still have problems like now with my IBS if I don't stay on track with it. Medication just doesn't go well with me so I stay off of all of it, but I've been on several antidepressants, Depakote, Ambien (that one scared the crap out of me and I'll never take another sleeping pill), melatonin, provigil (because I work nights but it gave me chest pains), and Benzos. Now I only take benadryl for sleep.

It took me FOREVER to get off Celexa - I'd end up getting so dizzy I had to keep retaking it and the only way I eventually got off was weaning myself by actually cutting the pill in really small pieces and taking a piece until the dizziness stopped which was usually within an hour. I think it took me over 3 months to get off that damn thing and it actually would cause me to have panic attacks when it reached a certain level in my blood. I only had a good experience with one drug - Depakote, it's an anti - seizure drug, and non-addictive, but also used as a mood stabilizer so I never had any anxiety while I was on it and also no headaches - they found it treats migraines. I finally got off of it because it stabilized my mood so much that I had no highs and no lows, nothing excited me. That one was the only one I actually stayed on for 2 yrs and I had to keep getting blood tests every 6 months checking my liver function - didn't like that either. There's gonna be some drawback with any drug.

Sometimes we experience mixed feelings. It seems that everything around is in order: at work, at home, in their personal lives. But something was gnawing inside, it does not rest, and draws attention to the problems of the inner world. This is an anxiety. For info about anxiety please visit undepress.net/anxiety-issues-tips-to-get-rid-of-anxiety/

Okay, so, there was an incident today that triggered a panic attack. I was given a transcription to read that was due urgently (ie tomorrow). Usually, I'm okay with doing 100+ page transcripts, but for some reason, I just couldn't finish this one today. I was two pages away from completion when my supervisor told me that, since it was 5, I had to drop it and leave it be, also remarking that I can't afford to take so long with an average-length transcript.

Although I didn't freak out, the usual tremors in my right arm were triggered. Usually, though, its just my forearm that shakes: this time it felt like my entire right arm was vibrating intensely, and I actually had to hold onto my wrist a few times in a desperate effort to stabilize myself. Plus, once I left the office, I was hyperventilating until I reached the subway.

I'm terrified now. Maybe its the anxiety, I don't know, but I'm now deathly afraid I'm going to step into the office tomorrow and find that I've been fired, and the thought of this is driving me crazy. I don't know what to do, and at this point I'm once again considering disclosing my Aspergers.

(Also, I went to my GP yesterday, got an official diagnosis of anxiety, and was prescribed with a bottle of Cymbalta. It was recommended that I start taking it on the weekend, as it causes an initial bout of drowsiness that I might need time to adjust to. Has anyone heard of this drug, and/or know anything of its effectiveness?)

I wish you luck, Kevin. I have faith that you could deal with this, and move on.

In my opinion, you being able to do this job at all is a TRIBUTE to you. This sort of job is stressful even to the most NT of NT's.

I don't think I can do that job!

I worked at a medical library when I was 18. It was a great job. The boss tried to sexually abuse me, though.

I had a similar problem at my last job. My boss wasn't someone I felt comfortable talking to. I ended up quitting. I couldn't take the constant anxiety. It was dragging me down. I couldn't function outside of work because I was exhausted from the constant anxiety. I'm worried about money now, but it is not nearly as bad as the constant anxiety, being on the edge of panic all the time.

At other jobs, I was able to talk to my co-workers or my supervisors if I felt panicky. That is something I absolutely need at a job in order to be successfully. Having someone clarify things to me helps a lot. So does having someone explain the consequences if I mess up. My mind goes into worst-case scenario if I don't have someone to reel me in. I also take anti-anxiety medication and anti-depressants, which help. I highly encourage you to talk to your supervisors or co-workers about the things that make you anxious. If things don't get better, maybe start looking for another job.

I used to proofread legal transcripts. There was always a lot of pressure to produce transcript quickly.

Just an idea... is there any part of your anxiety that relates to wanting to do a thorough job, yet having this deadline pressure that makes it difficult to achieve the standard you'd like? Being a perfectionist, that was a key anxiety factor for me. It wasn't uncommon to be "proofspeeding" through at least 250 pages a day, some of it typed by people who didn't have the best ear. Even though I did my best, in those circumstances I'm sure some errors slipped through. Eventually I realised that's the nature of the beast and I did better when I stopped caring so much about doing a perfect job. With such a quick turn around it's not humanly possible to produce transcripts to the standard of more leisurely produced publication. If your supervisor has done your job, he or she knows that.

From what you've said it seems that a lot of your anxiety stems from uncertainty. As much as this will probably scare you, my suggestion would be to call a meeting with your supervisor for some feedback. You can also ask for clarification of anything that's bothering you. (For example, how many pages do they expect you to be able to revise in a day? Do they have any hints for going faster?) Opening a line of dialogue shows your employers that you're keen and may increase the rapport you have with your supervisor, which is no bad thing. If you think you'll be so anxious you'll babble or forget to mention something, prepare some notes you can refer to. You should come out of the meeting feeling like you know where you stand and with a plan for how to improve, if in fact you need to.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

I haven't read everything in this thread but I would proceed with caution here, I know taking prescription drugs is fine under these circumstances. However, some employers might consider being on anti anxiety drugs the same as being under the influence of illegal drugs, I know it is freaking ridiculous but I am speaking from experience here. I got chewed out and almost fired at one of my jobs for taking hydroxyzine which is damn near impossible to get high on and you'll have a seizure from overdosing before that happens. I mean its not hard to hide, just don't go popping pills for anxiety in front of your boss like I did. Do it in the bathroom or something.